I've been pushing myself so long to be 'manly'.

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>>17868562

do what you want. you're miserable now. so how much more miserable can you REALLY be by just doing what you want.

start by exploring it in private, and then if that goes well, and you do like it, admit to your friends and family that you're dating trans.

honest to god i dont know how anyone can understand logic beyond 'do what makes you happy'. i understand how someone high in power might do something for the greater good as oppose dto personal happiness, but you arent in power. you do not have people depending on you to be a certain way.

even your parents will just continue to live hteir own lives as is regardless of what you do.

so why not just do somethign that makes you happy. who cares if its 'decadent'?

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>>17868580
thank you for the response,

the reason it hurts me is that growing up, my father would threaten to leave our family if I acted out of line. so I grew up with this sense of abandonment that fucked with my head all the way up to today. even today, he makes me feel guilty if I start doing out there thing, by saying "I gave up my life back in Miami (old city we grew up in) for you kids, you can't do this" and he goes nuts. my mom then cries and begs me to listen.

I know if I explore that side and they find out, it will turn into the same thing. it got to the point my father used to threaten to commit suicide because he kept feeling like he made a mistake changing his career once he had myself and my sister.

this leads me to today, also on top of that I worry God will say when I die something to the extent "you wasted your life over appetites instead of living how you were supposed to" so I sit in misery trying to just be the best man I can.

>>17868601

>family issues.

I feel you. your parents have issues. but its their issues. its like they say, you don't program your kids. they are people, just like anyone else. and you got to let them do what they want. its their lives. a paretns happiness shouldn't be dependent on the little details of their kids lives.

either your parents love you, or they want you to obey them. if they loe you, then they love YOU, not the act. and if they only want you to obey them, wh y would you want to?

there is that middle ground where they love you and want what is best for you. but if they are in that middle ground they will look past the 'what is best' and not disown you or leave or continue to hate you once the initial shock wears off.

my mother also tried to commit suicide twice this year and i know how exhausting it can be. she keeps saying im her only reason for living. she has a very bates motel mindset towards me despite me moving out six years ago and flying across the country, but shes convinced its only because my career can only be maintained from this particular town and that if not for that id be living iwth her still.

but its something im deconstructing with her and showing that i am my own person, i have my own life and even if i didnt have THIS life id still be somehwere else doing my own thing.


>god will punish me for being happy

its pretty sad if god says 'who cares if you were happy, you were supposed to be a modern concept of 'macho' and not have sex with someone you're attracted to.

if god loves you, he'll love you for you and not punish you for doing something that literally doesn't harm others. and if he doesn't love you why do you want to please him?

honestly if god does exist hes probably way more upset with all the child slaves suffering to maintain your already cushy life than he is about you dating a trans person, just sayian.

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>>17868622
thank you for your response, it does help me a lot. I'm sorry your mom tried to commit suicide. I worry that my dad would actually go through with it, then my mom would be even more miserable and then I'd live with the guilt of pushing a parent to the brink of suicide the rest of my life.

I suffer from a guilt complex and messiah complex. That is, my parents instilled guilt into me since I was a kid to make me behave and now grown up, I get so guilty over anything i do that is slightly wrong. The messiah complex means I feel like I have to do something grand with my life, helping to change the world, or else my life is meaningless and I'm squandering it.

It's tough with these two road blocks, because deep down I love girly things, I love wearing make up and while I do find women attractive, I almost never sexually fantasize about them. I used to when I was young because it was taboo, but for the past 7 years or so, I fap just to men or trans. In the end, I can't tell if I'm' just fucked in the head or if it's ok to be this way.

Thank you for taking your time for your responses, you don't know how much they help.

>>17868654

do you watch bojack horseman?

>>17868664
no, what is that

>>17868677

its an existential crisis TV show i was hoping to use as a basis cuz i cant think of other examples. but if you dont know it then it wont really ring true so ill just jump right into the philosophy.

anyways, the big idea behind existential philosophy is that our choices give us meaning. when we pretend we don't have a choice, we stop being human, and our lives lose meaning. we simply become tools that the universe (god, your parents, or just some invisible force) uses to fulfil its plans.

the problem with it is that it assumes that oyu are so important that the universe has to control you specifically, but so unimportant that it has no plans beyond you being a modern concept of macho.

you have to rememebr that waht you are doing in terms of masculinity is pretty new. everything is. if you look at masculinity across the world it varies greatly.

so do you think gods up there and is like 'all these people born in OPs country have the correct biblical deifnition of masculinity, but all those people born in india are unlucky to be born there, so im gonna punish them for being born there and accepting the beliefs their parents gave them"

its silly, yeah?

back to existentialism, the big idea is that the only way to truly be human to make authentic choices. right now you arent making choices, you are just abiding your parents choices. doing what you want is how you 'act authentically' and its the only way to truly be alive.

your parents might hate it but if your father does kill himself then he never truly loved you, and to be honesti t sounds like he doesn't. he sounds very self centered.

my boss likes to say 'people who worry about being selfish never actually are'. so go ahead and do the hting you consider selfish.

>>17868677
>>17868705

which is to say, do waht you want. be happy. god forbid you like what you do.

if your father is THAT concerned abotu what you do, thats his problem, not yours.

i had to learn to be my own person and while im not happy my mom keeps trying to kill herself im certainly HAPPIER than when i was living in her dollhouse, walking on eggshells, trying to be the 'extension' of herself that she thought i was

>>17868654
DESU I think you suffer from something known as "faggot" and "get over yourself" complex

>>17868705
thanks man, that helps a lot. I'm just scared if he does kill himself one day, but I can't live a lie. the truth is my love for my father is very minimal, but my love for my mother is enormous. she gave me a lot of love growing up even if she messed up in some ways raising myself and my sister.

I am afraid but I know I have to do what is right for me, otherwise I'm stagnant. thanks anon. I needed to hear that.

>>17868725

i feel the EXACT same way. my father left us for a year to 'find himself' when i was a kid and our relationships been irreparable ever since.

i love my mom but even with her, i have to be my own person. if you spend your whole life trying to please your parents one day they will die and you'll have no idea why you did anything.

>>17868750
thanks, yeah I know this is what I have to do. sucks because I think I'll have to change careers and everything too, but I have to be myself. I grew up under constant abuse from family wanting me to live a certain way and the schools I went to were filled with gangs and I had to act a certain way to make the bullying less.

now I'm in the aftermath, really want to find love and enjoy my life. I guess sometimes when you've grown so used to misery you think that is how life is meant to be.

>>17868750
also, sorry you had to go through that with your father. I'm sure that sucks and I don't know why dads seem to always be that way where they cheat or just neglect their family. my mom is way more open for me changing myself and loves me no matter what; I know with her it's a sincere love and if I did one day did come out as gay or dating someone who was trans, I know she would still love me no matter what. my father on the other hand, either he kills himself or he will deal with it but always resent me, even though I think he already resents me now.

anyway thank you so much for your advice, you really helped a ton