Is it normal for a bf or husband to not stand up for his gf or

>>17861678
If someone is saying it right in front of you and he doesn't do anything about it that isn't good, just me tho

>>17861678
ideally, it isn't normal. in this case, what was said? how negative is "negative" here and by what party? respect might be something separate.

>>17861678
maybe he finds it hard to disagree with what's being said.

>>17861678
It really depends on what was said and why it was said. If the guy was just saying the negative comment for the sake of being a douche then you should stand up but if your partner was being a basic cunt then you shouldn't really stand up for her, in fact you should get away from basic cunts.

>>17861678
What are you 15

if the other guy was clearly joking about you then no, it means he understood it was a joke and you didn't, guys joke around by dissing each other. If however it was a very blatant thing like "she's a huge whore" then yes, you should expect your SO to defend you, lolll.

You could also just stand up for yourself.

Not OP but I tend to freeze up when I'm thrown insults, or if someone I'm with is insulted. How do I "develop the balls" to stick up for other people and myself?

>>17861678

This >>17862009

Women are people with agency who are perfectly capable of standing up for themselves.

If you don't like something someone is saying about you, stand up for yourself. If you don't care enough about it to do that then why should he?

>>17861678
Depends on what was said and by whom. If my gf is around when someone does it, I generally let her handle it, since I know she can and I don't want to act like some overprotective faggot who shelters her.

If the shit continues I join in half assed, making clear I am on her side without doing much, since she's not some insecure cunt that needs me to do much more.

>>17862028
This is awful.

Women will break up or just straight up divorce their husband because they won't stick up for her. It's not about agency and being your own woman, you jackass.

It's about knowing your spouse will protect, respect and support you. If a woman sees that her man doesn't have her and his kids backs when strangers, inlaws, or friends disrespect them, then there's no family unit.

Well, in my opinion, 'saying' something doesn't really affect anything.
If my gf got pissed off about something someone said, i'd tell her not to get so bothered, as by reacting in such a way SHE is the one actually causing a negative situation.

Also - why the gender shit man?
Maybe the guy isn't the kind of person to confront or 'stand up' for them.

If he agreed and went on to say or show disrespect - then that can show he doesn't respect her.


Although if someone was really being a cunt i.e saying things with the pure intent of making her feel bad, or to hurt her, then i would stick up for her. Same as i would almost anyone else.

I don't think romantic/sexual ties are special social conditions - they should be built on your regular social beliefs/norms

>>17861678
>says something negative about her?

too vague. it depends on what they said, how bothered the girl is, the relationship of the person that said it. the girl can stick up for her self anyway.

>>17861678
Depends. If someone is saying something false about me, then yes, I'd want him to stand up for me. If someone is saying something true and they are saying it in a non-insulting way, then it's cool.
Assuming I'm not there, because if I'm there I will talk for myself.

>>17861678
Sure if someone assaults her and you don't do anything that's terrible but lots of times women just get into stupid fights and expect their MAN to help them.

I'm generally laid back and if someone insults me, which is rare, I just ignore it. Once someone started arguing with my ex about politics when we were together and I didn't say anything. Then she got mad at me because I didn't defend her

>>17862530
>into stupid fights and expect their MAN to help them.

so this. plenty of times women have started shit with my friends for no reason other than they wanted drama and then they expected their man to jump in and fight us. in fact, every single fight we have had has been because of a women. it hasnt happened for a few years now but if it happens again and the girl lays a hand on me i am going to slep the shit out of her and her fella to teach them a lesson. im a pro boxer.

"Depends" "Maybe"
jesus christ, how many of you guys are actually married?
you're all a bunch of pussies who wont protect your woman.

>>17862537
yeah because potentially going to jail or ending up in hospital is worth it to look hard. dont be stupid.

>>17862536
Yeah women jump on this equality thing whenever it suits them but when push comes to shove they're the first person to run behind a man, or expect him to pay for din din.

>>17862543
who tf said anything about being physical? i didnt.
if strangers or his family or his friends say anything, when his woman isn't or is around, the man should SAY something back to them.

>>17862546
exactly, and they fucking shit themselves when you do have a go at them. this one time a girl slapped one of my friends and he threatened to kill her, it was beautiful.

Answer: Your husband was suffering from acute temporary Male Wussiness Syndrome.

This is an incredibly common recurring although temporary disease that men suffer from, much like the common cold. And much like being married to a man who is temporarily suffering from the common cold, you will find that his inability to handle it makes his disease is almost as bad for you, if not worse, than it is for him. Isn't marriage fun?

How can we identify when a man you might be otherwise attached to is suffering from Male Wussiness Syndrome? It's easy! There are 3 components to Male Wussiness Syndrome as it affects you. They are:

a) You are with a male.
b) Something happens.
c) In response, he acts like a complete fucking wuss.
Every woman has experienced this. In fact, the odds are quite good that you will experience it many times. If you haven't been married long - let's say anywhere under 5 decades, the chances are quite high that if you stay married, you will have the opportunity to experience this so many times that you will develop a little running argument with him about it.

Male Wussiness Syndrome Cause #1: Male Social Brains Don't Work The Way Yours Does.

From your point of view, this means their social brains don't work right. Yours works right, theirs works wrong. For the rest of your life, you are going to consider this a major major flaw on their part. Leaving aside whether yours is right and theirs is wrong or not, we're just going to look at how it's different so your feelings won't be so hurt.

Way It's Different #1: The male social brain doesn't work as quickly.

>>17862537
Protect her from what, some faggot talking shit? She's perfectly capable of it herself.

>>17862546
>>17862555
Usually it's the women who don't want equality who expect their man to act like their daddy. I universally dated feminists and not a single one asked or expected me to take care of something they can do themselves.

Manipulation Step #1: Since their brains are only wired to respond to quickly to situations in which the social danger directly affects them - make it affect them.

For example, train yourself in a restaurant situation such as the above, to say something like - 'You guys better pipe down or my husband will beat you up. He's a black belt in karate.' Since he is not, in fact, a black belt in karate, this little statement, said loudly and distinctly, will catch his attention in a hurry.

Not only will this help your marriage, but it will also help your husband's health because you're getting his heart pumping every time you put him in these situations!

>>17862560
Do you want to work, vote, have your husband or boyfriend pay for dinner, would you only be with wealthier men, and do you not want to regularly cook for your husband or boyfriend?

If not why do you expect a traditional man if you're not a traditional woman?

>>17862574
Ehh, all women are affected by this kind of thinking to a certain extent. There are a few who are very very traditional and a few that are very very feminist. Most are somewhere in between meaning they're whichever one is more convenient at the time

>>17861678
well if she started that shit I am not defending her but if someone is attacking her for no reason then yes.

>>17862574
>I universally dated feminists and not a single one asked or expected me to take care of something they can do themselves.


lel a buddy of mine is dating a victim card playing feminist who never once offer to pay on dates until I call her out on her bullshit and now my buddy calls her out on her equality bullshit she speaks of. she is slowly getting her to pay for dinners but I still think equality is impossible to accomplish with our current science. in order to have true equality we would have to remove the ability for women to have babies and increase the volume of grey matter in women. we either introduce artificial wombs or some how allow both sexes to reproduce asexually. as longest females have the wombs society will put them at a greater value then men and equality is impossible among the sexes.

Depends on the culture of the person, the relationship and intent of the person saying the thing.

>>17861678
Some people saying depends on the comment

I don't agree, you got you have your SO's back in public yu can figure out the details in private.

If you are silent she will think either
1) you don't have her side
2) you are scared of the confrontation and sticking up for her
3) you are embarrassing her

Normally you would be doing all three

I expect my woman to be the same


What are some examples where you lot think it's okay to be a passive pussy?


If it's something serious like she just drove drunk and hit a kid then most of the above goes out the window for me cos I would dump her

I've watched my mom over the years put herself in shitty fucking situations that are her own fault and expect my dad to have her back "just because they're married."

Fuck that. If you're being a shitty person and you get called out on it, that's your own fault.

Now, if someone was coming at my wife or girlfriend unprovoked? I'd be the first to say something, but this shit is all dependent. Women get themselves into shitty drama all the time and I'm not going to help perpetuate that cycle.

>>17862735
>I don't agree, you got you have your SO's back in public
This, holy shit. It's a huge sign of disrespect to let people talk shit about your partner, especially if it's your spouse. Even just a passing remark. The more you let it slide the worse it's going to get. And no, it isn't a matter of "she can stand up for herself" or "he can stand up for himself" it shows you are united and stand together, and that you have one another's backs.

If your family or friends say something rude about your partner, you shut it down quick. And if their family or friends say something rude about you, your partner also ought to shut it down quick. In a social situation with strangers you don't necessarily need to step in verbally depending on the severity and if he or she's capable of handling it, but stepping in closer to your partner and/or wrapping your arm around them goes a long way. And if the person insulting them doesn't back down or your girlfriend needs support- you damn well fucking say something.

If you don't, like >>17862493 says, there isn't a family unit here, you're silently saying 'that's okay, you can talk shit about my girlfriend- I don't care'. It's displays a complete and total lack of respect to all third parties, even if the only reason you don't stand up is out of anxiety or fear. You need to be able and willing to protect your family.

>>17861678
>If he doesn't, does it mean he doesn't respect her?
Not necessarily. It might, but it's more likely he's got some sort of hangup and was too anxious or afraid to speak up, or he doesn't want to weaken his ties with whoever said it (family/friends) by standing up for you which is a silly fear, since that's not going to happen. People need to be willing to communicate their boundaries and assert themselves when they need to. But a lot of people have trouble with it.

OP here.
The last comment right above here is basically what keeps happening: It's unprovoked.
I'm not around and my husband's family or friends say rude things about me or just flat out blame me for stuff. My husband doesn't say anything most times. Sometimes he will say no she's not like that, but the tone and face he gives will mean otherwise. He basically allows them to blame me for stuff. Am I supposed to go out of my way to tell them hey my husband is lying. They won't believe me. My husband insists he sticks up for me, but I've seen and heard convos where he lets it happen.

>>17862785
Talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel, and ask him how he would feel if your family did similar things and you reacted the way he does. Give specific examples when you ask that.

He needs to have your back, and part of that is being able to stand up to his family about you, because you are now his primary family. But a lot of people have trouble making that shift and setting boundaries with their parents.

If you two can't settle matters alone- and it's not going to be overnight- get professional help from a qualified couple's therapist. Not all psychiatrists are couple's therapists and the training and approach is very different so look for one who is.

>>17862690
>who never once offer to pay on dates
That's pretty much a quasi feminist after reading up some shit on tumblr, basically the equivalent of wannabe libertarians who only read Rand. But hey, could be worse, like a whale demanding to be called beautiful or something, which again comes from ignorance and/or entitlement and shouldn't be put in the same basket with actual feminists.

>the volume of grey matter in women
It's not about the volume. Hell, you can cut half of the brain off and it has no negative effect. We barely even know how this shit works by now so it's a shitty criteria either way.

>will put them at a greater value then men
At some things like "wimin and children first" at others (work related shit) we put lower value on them. All things relatively easy to change.

>>17862735
>>17862773
That's like expecting your mommy to join in when someone insults you.

"How dare you! Anon isn't a faggot! I watched him masturbate to Paris Hilton when he was 8!"

If someone says something rude to my girlfriend, she's more than capable to say something rude back and make the person shut up and/or apologize. Been there, done that. First time it happened, I asked her whether she wanted help in private and she laughed at the idea. Not stepping in means I respect her banter skills.

>>17862785
That's a completely different scenario from most of the shit mentioned in the thread. He's indeed acting like a faggot if he lets his faggot friends blame you for shit without either going the sarcastic way or telling them to eat a dick.

>>17862795
Thank you. We've spoken about it before. I do it for him and I expect the same from him. He has said before he'd work on it, but I keep seeing him do the same thing.

I really didn't want to take it to counseling, but it sounds like we would need help.

>>17862785

My question is, are you approaching this with a holier-than-thou attitude? Are there some things that maybe you could work on? Is there some truth to their statements?

This is one of the problems I see the most in relationships where the other person expects to be "defended," it's that they lack the self awareness to possibly think they could be in the wrong.

Given the lack of specific examples brought up in this thread, I'm guessing you're not being unfairly picked on, just that you don't want anyone talking about you in anything but the most positive light.

>>17861678
I don't think this is a good question, it largely depends on how negative, is there evidence to back it up? it is only not normal when your partner is not willing to give you the benefit of doubt even when there's a lack of evidence.

Ironically as much as I would love to defend my girl's honor, I didn't have any opportunity, she's simply irreproachable, and it has always been her that defended me. It's really sweet and occasionally uncomfortable at the same time, she always thought "two of us against the world" is a never ending phase. I just hope I won't turn out to be a disappointment for her.

>>17862812
Not her, but I don't think that matters truthfully. There might be truth to the statements the OP's in-laws speak of, there might not be. But you know what? It's not really their business. If the husband has problems with his wife, it is up to him to deal with and address those problems with her personally. It is not okay for him to let those grievances poison the relationship between his wife and her in-laws and it is not okay for his parents to butt in and say harsh things about their daughter-in-law.

No matter how valid of a complaint my family would make against my spouse, if they said anything I would shut it down immediately. Even if I couldn't disagree with what was said, I would say "I don't appreciate you making those kinds of comments about him". In-laws are family. And they need to be respectful- both to the daughter/son-in-law and to the privacy the relationship must be afforded. He needs to cut the cord and start setting some boundaries.

>>17862826
Ir depends on her, too. Does she feel self-assured enough to shrug it off on her own? Could the two of you just look at eachother, scoff, and walk off without justifying it? Is it something she's really insecure about it? Is it something she finds cute and endearing that you'd do? Or would she think it would be more embarrassing for you to defend her, than the actual insult?

>>17861678
You ALWAYS have your wife/GF's back.

Your wife/GF should always have YOUR back.

Simple as that.

>>17861678
>Is it normal for a bf or husband to not stand up for his gf or wife if someone says something negative about her?
It depends what you're looking for when you say "stand up for" really. If someone said something about my wife that I didn't like, I wouldn't cause a scene or start an argument over it. What I'd be looking to do is take them to one side (you never want to tell someone off where other people can see it, otherwise instead of taking on board what you're saying to them they just get angry with you because you made them feel embarrased) and just tell them in a calm manner that they can't talk about her in that way. I'd stick up for her, albeit in my own way, even if she was blatantly in the wrong, because she's my wife and I'm here to look after her.

However, this is mostly hypothetical. My wife's a red-head Danish woman, and she if fiery as all hell. If someone says something she doesn't like, she'll put them straight there and then. When we were younger she used to square up at me when I annoyed her, and she's even thrown a few good punches at me -- inspite of me being fifteen inches taller than her and almost three times her bodyweight.

>>17862493
> If a woman sees that her man doesn't have her and his kids backs when strangers, inlaws, or friends disrespect them, then there's no family unit.

This. Anons who don't agree are just being resentful of feminists. If they were dating a woman who let her parents, friends or strangers talk shit about them then they wouldn't be able to feel like they could trust her.

I'm not saying a man needs to start a fight but he should at least show some sort of support for her. I've found that guys who don't stand up for women don't seem to care about them.

>>17862785
These are the times when he should 100% have your back. If my family was to say something backhanded about my SO around me they know I would give them shit for it. They are not perfect l and I would tel them to mind their business or belittle them until they do.

My family doesn't try to diss my ex around me because they know in the past it doesn't fly with me and I will be brutally honest and outright mean in retaliation if they try petty shit like that. My aunts nosey friend tried to talk passive aggressively about my sister once because she didn't approve of her choices. I made her cry at the family outing not even shouting or anything, just deflecting everything back on her own failed life. A lot of my family doesn't like the lady but puts up with her cos she's close with my aunt so no one had a problem with it and no one talks shit about people i care about close to me.

For the record I also didn't agree with my sister's choices but that was none of that lady's business.

If your husband isn't shutting that stuff down, he has to man the fuck up. If I saw someone talking shit about someone wife's to their face and they were just being like

"Oh hmm maybe n-no she's not like that you don't know her stop please" I would feel so sorry for the girl

>>17862812
His family thought I stole from them a few times. I've never stolen anything in my life. After the first incident, and my husband not sticking up for me, they think I'm a thief. They've found their lost items a few days after each time. They're just dirty and misplace stuff all the time.

His friends have said I was bitch, that my husband was pussy whipped and my husband should divorce me. They said because they thought I wouldn't allow him to go out with them bar hopping. However the truth was that my husband just didn't want to admit he was tired and wanted to stay home.

Those are just two examples, but they're all based off lies and because he doesn't shut it down quick, it escalates and continues.

>>17862908
If someone talks shit about your wife you don't need to pull them aside out of fear of embarrassing them

It actually makes you look pussy as hell cos it seems like you want the safety of being alone so if they don't back down no one else saw how weak they you just were

>>17862924
>>17862493 (You)
>I've found that guys who don't stand up for women don't seem to care about them.

This is so depressing because a big part of me believes this to be true.
I married someone like this...

it shouldn't be normal.
My dad didnt stood up for my mom when my grandma called her a whore and said she wanted her out of their house and my mom now constantly brings it up. If it was me in her place i would tell them both to fuck off and never talk to them again.

>>17864153
Honestly I'm so sorry you have such a pushover husband.

The fact is if he cared about you he would be sticking up for you.

I also hate guys who use the excuse that the missus doesn't want them to go out when really they just don't feel like it. It's the most cowardly shit I have called mates out on that before. Plenty of times my mates want me to go out I say nah not feeling like it or just wanna relax. It's not fucking hard. He sounds like the total beta bitch for pretty much every social relationship he's in.

How is it with you qnd him 1 on 1? Does he take the lead ever or always letting you call the shots? I don't mean it should always be him but like any relationship it needs to be a balance.