That time of night again. Think I'm going to kill myself

I know how you feel all too well. Suicide is a comforting thought to entertain, never to be put into action. Every time I have to do something that could have negative consequences, I imagine myself hugging a moving train and suddenly things aren't as scary anymore. Why care about embarrassing myself if I don't have to live with the consequences.

Life is still pain though. I can't guarantee you that you'll get better anytime soon or that it won't get worse, but I can guarantee you'll look back on this time in your life some day and thank whatever you believe in that you didn't kill yourself.

You can get out of this, I'm rooting for you.

>>17840811
is it really hanging or asphyxiation?

>>17840897
Short drop hanging, so death by asphyxiation. But my full body will be off the ground. Long drop hanging is so rare nowadays that in medical lingo it's just called hanging.

>>17840904
arent you worried about the mess?

>>17841020
Not really, won't be around to worry about it.

>>17841024
who is gonna stumble upon it?

>>17840811
>I'm posting because I want to make sure before I go.

Nah, you want attention and someone to talk you out of it. Not gonna happen, buddy.

>>17841025
Probably my roommate.

I could probably time it to get the police out there first though.

>>17841026
This attitude always bugged me.
Is there something wrong with wanting attention and to be convinced to not kill yourself?

You might be right, maybe I do want to be talked out of it, but is that so bad? Certainly that I want to be talked out of it, if only on a subconscious level,must make the job easier, right?

>>17840811

Here's your other perspective.

Do what you want, it's your life, at the end of the day you only have yourself, if doing lazy shit makes you happy then do it. Maybe study isn't for you, ditch it, get a minimum wage casual job and do that until you get sick of it then move on to other things. Experience the world, or don't, it's up to you. There is a lot out there, you can move to places like thailand and live like a king, experience different cultures and ways to live. You only have this life and thats it, you can waste it by killing yourself or you can make the most of it and do the things that make us feel alive in pursuit of happiness.

File: do it.jpg (70KB, 500x333px) Image search: [Google]

70KB, 500x333px

Come on anon, I am down to the wire this semester but I slammed a bunch of iced coffee and did some work to study for exam. I regret the major I chose (accounting) but I'll finish what I started. I'll have it to fall back on. If I don't want to do it I don't have to, but I'll look back on it if I didn't try and say shit, I didn't complete what I started. Take 3 hour naps, or 20 minute refreshers. You don't need 12 hours of sleep. That's ridiculous, your dying everyday so why waste it sleeping.

>>17840811
Anon if you're light enough to hang yourself then there's still time to get fit and fuck bitches. I wanted to kill myself before I couldn't see myself being happy ever again. Started a hobby and doing things that were fun and thought that if I killed myself I would never be able to live to experience this fun. Tell your roommate how you feel, you just need help.
Don't kill yourself, atleast buy a bunch of shit and not pay for it. And also try to kill someone you hate before you go.

>>17841029
what if you fail, and end up as a veggie

>>17841036
Thought about that, here's my major malfunctions.

One: So long as I can remember, I've never been fulfilled by anything. Video games are a fleeting distraction. As is work, college, ect. I just haven't found a single thing I truly enjoy, and I've tried quite a bit. I haven't been all over the globe, and to be quite honest, I just don't have the energy for such a thing.

Two: I'm always so tired, and frustrated. Packing up, moving, living a life where I don't know the language or customs is exhausting enough. Not to mention without a friend nearby to back me up, I doubt I'd last long. >>17841038
I don't need it. It's what my body forces onto me.
>>17841040
I'm not allowed to buy a gun after my last attempt. Roommate knows. My hobby is... I don't know video games? Movies? Food? I'm not an interesting guy.
>>17841049
Can't be worse!

OP here,

Also noteworthy is that I've been all major classes of antidepressants plus a few anti-psychotics. I've tried numerous (some for a long time, up to 12 weeks) therapists to no avail. CBT, DBT, all that jazz.

Only thing left is ECT, but I can't afford it. No insurance and can't hold down a job.

>>17841051
Geez anon you're reminding me of me. I not an interesting guy either. Find friends. Go to a gym, work, play sports, go to /soc/ just talk to people experience things! Anon make a youtube channel and just try things out and record them and say how depressed you are

>>17841054
You should go on a massive bender in another country and see what happens

You'll either die or come back wanting to live

>>17840811
I know what you're feeling OP. I'm fairly certain whatever has made you like this is not the same as me, but they both bring about the same results.

if I'm right...

you have been emotionally beat down by various things through your life, were not all lucky. I wasn't either.
Maybe you know or can figure out the thing(s) that did this. I just turned 30 and only a few months ago did I start realizing the primary sources that have fucked me up.

When ppl get to know me (literally -any and all-) they end up telling me "ive never seen anyone with the level of bad luck you have"

My life has been struggle after struggle problem after problem literally the moment I was born (I was the product of an affair) and it's been a downhill slope sense then.

As I aged the level of bad in my life took its toll, but I never realized it until recently. I have trust issues, massive depression, poor relationship skills, abandonment issues (that trigger massive problems from breakups etc), financial trouble, it's even started manifesting into health issues now too.

For the last ~5 years it's been so bad I can barely bring myself to get up in the morning. I sleep as often as I can, take massive amounts of sleeping pills every night and still cant go to sleep.

With that said, Now that i've actually managed to figure out some of the roots of my issues, I've been able to start making bits of positive progress. It's minor and I have a lot to go still, but there *is* improvement.

I've been "quickly unofficially diagnosed" with severe depression by a psychologist and doctor before, and recently discovered I've probably got PTSD (I thought only military ppl get that, turns out wrong.) I intend to seek professional help some time next year when I can get stable enough to afford it.

>(cont)

>>17841059
I do have a couple of friends, oldest goes back to elementary school. We bond over being outerwise social outcasts and vidya. I'm not totally Forever Alone, just... unhappy. Since as long as I can remember.

>>17841063
I think you have it a lot worse of than me. I'm a privileged man, I know that.

My Depression is chemical, I know it. It has a lineage, my great grandpa was diagnosed around the same time as me, and every male in the family since has been as well. Mine is just... bad.

I hope you make it, brother.

>>17841033

>if only on a subconscious level

Subconscious my ass. It's clear that you don't want to do it, so talking you out of it is a moot point. In that a case we are left with need for attention, which you got plenty of ITT.

You won't do shit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just put some work in for college or whatever. Everyone has it tough, you are not some special snowflake.

>>17841073
I'll show you. Minneapolis, one week. Note will be on reddit under /r/suicidenotes. I'll mention you.

File: BL.jpg (34KB, 480x480px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 480x480px

>>17840811
>>17841063

My advice to you:

Death is not the solution

To stop now means whatever brought you to this point wins. It means this is all you ever experience and have no chance of seeing what a "happy life" is like. It's a self fullfilling prophecy, if you remove the chance of ever having better experience then you -never will.-

I would suggest you sit down and think about everything for a while. Hours, days, weeks if necessary. ponder the why and how you are like this, starting with what's currently going on. Work your way back finding all the other parts that grew this in you, until you get to the very first thing. I'm willing to bet you're already trapped in your head thinking about how depressed/negative you and everything around you is, as I was the exact same way, but that's not the goal, stewing on things is not the goal and all it does is hold you there like quicksand. What you need to do is focus on "why is this bothering me" every step back ask the question again

This may not be easy. This may not be fun. This may hurt like fucking hell. For me it it was a complete accident, it took ~3 years of me trapped in my head, in my own personal hell thinking about all the stuff day in day out. the first thing on my mind in the morning and last at night.

"my god damn car is broke thats why" etcetc were the initial answers, but it doesn't make sense to want to kill yourself because you have car troubles, so I kept looking at other upsetting things, the picture started to form.

When you learn to think this way instead of just stewing, you begin to navigate through the maze, you begin feeling some of the pressure inside you seep out. Why? because you can start repairing the mental damage. "Understanding" is one of the key components to recovery IMO. Pic related

I would also suggest using a psychologist to guide you through this process, as I'm just stumbling my way through and it's a real mess.

>>17841078

>I-I'll show you!
Oh yeah, I'm sure to be shown. Anonymous man killed himself, why didn't I listen!

>Minneapolis, one week.
Why one week? Why not now? The rope is ready. But nah, must get that sweet, sweet week of posting online suicide notes and gettin' dat dere delicous sympathy.

>Note will be on reddit under /r/suicidenotes.
>Even in death I'm a whore for attention!

> I'll mention you.
Thanks man, cheers.

>>17841073
>>17841087

That guy's not OP, I'm OP.

Be careful not to cut yourself on dem edgy opinions.

>>17841078

He's right. "I'll show you" is the dumbest phrase ever. You sound like a sniveling twat.

>>17841051

If there is truly nothing you enjoy in this life then who the fuck knows maybe suicide is the answer, I'm someone who believes in living for happiness not wealth/power/fame, so if even the smallest thing made you happy it would be worth it. For me I love beautiful scenery, seeing different places, my friends, being in love and sharing my life with another person. Not much else brings me true happiness.