Just found out my gf of 10 fucking years cheated or attempted

Wow sounds like you had a really fucked up relationship from the get-go there, friend.
Sounds like you should of walked away from that crazy bitch and sued for custody, but you didn't.

And now you're a cuck.

>>17809707
Yeah I know it's painful as fuck knowing that I put up with her for that long only to find the worst thing possible was happening behind my back.

I thought it was best for the kid to keep trying to make it work. I regret not reporting the abuse earlier, especially now. I can't believe I wasted ten years of my life dealing with it when I could have had a shot at custody then. I was always worried though because on paper I look like a loser, even though I make more than her.

>stay together 'for the kid'
>don't actually want to stay together otherwise
>she doesn't really like you, you don't really like her
>wonder why she's 'cheating'

>>17809718
Yeah I know, it's not really that much of a surprise. But I never did it to her, and I had chances to. In the first year we were dating I left her to be with this other chick for like a month then went back to her (things were better then). She always brought this up as an example of me "cheating" but its bullshit because we were broken up and we had only been dating for like three months prior (it was the year we graduated from hs). She of course acted like it was apples and apples when I confronted her about the shit I discovered was going on THIS FUCKING YEAR.

>>17809730
How about you just break up because you don't even like each other anyway, try and sort out some sort of custody arrangement outside of the courts and move on with your lives like the adults I presume you are?

>>17809698
Thats pretty fucked, i think the best 2 options you have are either sue for custody and have to explain why you didnt report abuse at first and jepordize your integrity as a parent or wait to see signs of it and then report it abd try to get off with the whole she said she woulf change so i wanted to give her another chance.

What state do you live in? Because alot of times that matters in the whole woman favored system

All in all if i were you i probably wouldnt want my child to be abused so if you can think of a reason you wouldnt tell them then for it but if not i think it is better to let it happen once and have a better chance of saving the rest of your kids childhood.

What kind of money do you make and are you a suitable single parent?

>>17809732
My concern is that she is going to start being a shitty mother again because A) bitch is unhinged and lashes out on the kid like ive witnessed and B) shes going to move in with her parents who do nothing but spoil the kid and let her get away with anything and everything. For example, when she comes home after spending time there, she is not well behaved to say the least and it takes at least 24 hours of readjusting for her to start acting normal again. Even then, she bugs me to buy her shit and when i tell her no she says shit like she wishes she could live with them. When shes not around them for a while shes a perfect angel but all that changes when shes been there for even half a day.

>>17809739
Oops a couple of mistakes

I meant go for it

>>17809739
I make >20k a year but she makes way less, and i have a house that i am renting from my grandparents. My concern is that they won't consider selling online as an actual business or gainful employment and will favor her just because shes the mother. I live in PA btw, haven't looked up anything on custody laws besides what i researched about abuse cases years ago when i was considering unleashing the shit. I really did think i was doing the right thing by trying to hold it together and I thought that if i wasnt around, there'd be nobody to stop her, you know?

>>17809742
First of all, this is not something that would be dealt with by a court and a judge at first instance. In family law issues, it is preferred that issues such as this are sorted out privately through negotiation or mediation, rather than court. Court is expensive and time consuming (more so than you realise) and in issues like this, where ongoing relationships are important, can be particularly damaging. You are mistaken in thinking that your only option is court and it is something that I think should only be used as a last resort.

Secondly, the whole 'the law prefers the mother' is largely a myth in this day and age. There are no presumptions based on gender: courts do what is best for the child, which, unless one parent is particularly awful, will mean joint custody, or main custody with one parent and access for the other. It is very rare that one parent gets sole custody and there is no provision for the other parent to have access. In many cases the courts do 'prefer' the mother, and that's almost always because the father is even shittier than she is.

File: 10yrsdownthedrain1.png (29KB, 492x632px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 492x632px

>>17809698
pt 1/2 of the email

File: 10yrsdownthedrain2.png (37KB, 473x635px) Image search: [Google]

37KB, 473x635px

>>17809755
2/2

>>17809749
Yeah it doesnt seem unreasonable, considering the truth i would say you have a decent chance however the decisions made are not based on truth it is based on what the court is provided. Do you think she would lie to keep your child away from you or maybe even play the sympathy card and make up some bullshit accusation that makes you look bad?

>>17809755
>>17809756
Strike that. Reverse it. 2 is actually 1 and vice versa.

>>17809755
>>17809756
Why are you posting this? This has nothing to do with the true nature of your issue.

>>17809761
Yeah, i think shes going to say that I'm a deadbeat without a job and play that angle. Plus i was addicted to weed for a few years but she doesnt have proof, and she was too. What is even admissible in court with these things? Neither of us have a criminal record of any sort so anything is just hearsay, no?

>>17809767
Hoping someone would say I'm overreacting/misinterpreting this as an actual affair and not her gloating over some guy that she wanted to fuck. Regardless, the shit she has done in the past (such as hurting the kid) makes this the final straw, right? I'd be a complete cuck to not leave her at this point, right?

>>17809754
Do you think they would end up taking it to court if they both fought for long enough and didnt settle? I mean i am probably just assuming but she sounds like the kind of person to keep a kid out of spite, probablly just assuming because of personal stuff that has happened

The whole gender thing isnt actually a myth depending on where you live, trust me in WA they most definantly prefer women not compleitly disregarding parental skills but there is a bit of a bias

>>17809771
>addicted to weed

Like you were a stoner or somthing?

>>17809777
Yes you should definantly leave her without a doubt. She is a bitch.

>>17809781
Yeah from my high school years until my kid was big enough to make me realize i need to do something with my life. Quit smoking and worked some entry level manual labor jobs then started buying collectibles and selling them online to make extra cash and when i was making more doing that than the min. wage jobs i just started doing that full time. So basically i went from being a blue collar stoner to a NEET but i improved as a father because of it so i have no shame in my current lifestyle. It's been an improvement in every way, i just worry that the courts will see it differently.

>>17809778
If they didn't settle then yes, it would go to court. But you seem to be under the impression that negotiation or mediation would be somewhat 'token' and just participated in as a step to get out of the way before court. Both of their lawyers would advise them on possible outcomes both when they take on their case, and after negotiation or mediation when they're deciding what step to take if it fails. This advice will impact how likely they are to agree; not to mention, in the majority of cases, the sheer time and cost of settling outside of court compared to litigation alone encourages parties to settle. Legal costs at these earlier stages will be expensive enough on their own, litigation will multiply it the amount tens. Neither party is in a position where they can afford to pay these. The publicity of the court is another factor which might encourage them to settle outside of court - they'd be airing all their dirty laundry in public. From the sounds of it, she has dirt against him, he has dirt against her, and neither of them would want that you there in the public record. From what OP has said, it is VERY likely that they would come to some sort of settlement outside of court, it is in no one's best interests to go to court.

And like I said, the interests of the child are paramount. This is what the courts will be focused on. If she's able to provide the child with a better and more stable life, especially if she's got her parents helping her out and OP's income depends on internet sales, then she's more likely to get primary custody. If her past violence is considered to be a threat to the child now and in the future, then OP is more likely to get primary custody. Custody issues are about the child, not the parents.

>>17809777
I gave you my advice here >>17809732. Leave her and get on with your life.

>>17809778
I suppose I could hang the abuse over her head to get what I want, for example the dog (which is registered with her) but it still leaves me with worrying about the kid. She doesnt have any actual dirt on me, so just the fact that she could be worried that the kid will spill the beans could be enough to get a quick and painless joint custody agreement. I want it to be easy, but if every time i see the kid, she acts like a brat the way she does when shes been at her mom's parents for a day let alone a week at a time, then nothing would be worth it, especially if there is abuse going on alongside the shitty upbringing on that side.

>>17809798
>She doesnt have any actual dirt on me
You don't consider being a stoner actual dirt? Not to mention that you tolerated the abuse and didn't do anything about it.

>>17809755
>>17809756
sounds like she could leave you but she didnt and the other guy went off rather than keeping an affair going

and quite frankly, if you are a neet, you are trash, as a parent for sure

>>17809803
I was never arrested for anything, ever. Anything she says regarding me being a stoner over 5 years ago is hearsay, right?

>>17809807
I make more than her selling shit online. Shes a fucking housemaid at a hotel.

>>17809828
you aint getting custody

>>17809828
>I was never arrested for anything, ever. Anything she says regarding me being a stoner over 5 years ago is hearsay, right?
That's not how hearsay works. That's not even hearsay at all.

I think you're overestimating the strength of your case and underestimating what arguments she could make. Right now, all you really have against her is the abuse, which it doesn't seem like you have any solid evidence of
>you bring up the abuse
>she brings up the drugs
>she brings up that you don't have a stable job or any form of support
>she argues that you're being vindictive and are claiming that she abused your child in order to exact revenge on her
>she argues that if she did actually abuse your child and you had a problem with it, you would have done something about it at the time

I'm not defending her; I have no stake in this so I have no reason to do so. I'm just trying to make you see potential arguments that she could make, which you're downplaying because you have a biased perspective.

>>17809843
Yeah you're probably right. Should I try to at least scare her into thinking I will report the abuse because it worked to make her stop when she was doing it. I could at the very least get the dog if I just agree to split custody. The dog likes me the best, since I'm the one who's always here taking care of her.

Maybe I'm too worried about the abuse happening again as a result of us being slit up, because if it does happen again I know the kid will tell me and then its gloves off since there is no longer a family to try and hold together.

>>17809852
All your posts are made on assumptions.
You're assuming she won't get legal advice.
You're assuming that she doesn't have a strong case
You're assuming she has nothing against you
You're assuming that you'll get full custody and you can then 'bargain' to get the dog
You're assuming that she WILL abuse the kid again.

Stop doing this. Go and see a lawyer, and advise her that you're planning on applying for custody. Don't bother withholding this information, because she's going to find out anyway. Assuming that you two can't work this out between you and lawyers will be getting involved to help you reach a settlement, you both will have lawyers. Your lawyer will be in breach of their obligations if they don't ensure that she at least knows she has the option, and that it is strongly recommended, that she get legal advice.

>>17809852
If she is as unhinged as you say she is then wait for her to lash out again, if marks left then there is proof

Im no expert but i think that might work

>>17809863
Well when I confronted her about it, she lied at first and said it was just some guy online that she'd been messaging. Then I pointed out the part where she said she wouldn't see him again to prove that she was actually at the very least hanging out with this guy. I told her after this how can I ever trust her again and that we would have to split up.

Then I mentioned how hard I tried to keep things good between us, and resolved the abuse issue hoping it would remind her not to try anything tricky. She kept saying I'm over reacting and that she didnt do anything with the guy. She keeps texting me begging for forgiveness.

I've always held the cards in the relationship because she has always been defending herself against her shitty behavior and actions. I know that I have leverage, and I don't want to waste it. Should I stop at just bargaining for the dog, and if the kid one day tells me she's being abusive, then should I pursue further action?

This is a difficult decision because I hate her and her family so bad and they are a terrible influence on the kid. But I guess that's just part of being a single parent that I will have to get used to.

>>17809877
Let's clarify one thing here. What is your issue? Is it the cheating, or is it custody of your child? I've told you where you stand on the custody issue, legally speaking. In relation to the cheating: leave the relationship.

>>17809884
The issue is basically should I push for custody and/or report the abuse now or do the joint custody thing now and wait and see if it happens again, then pursue action? She will bargain with me, because she is afraid of a custody battle so I stand to benefit from coming to an agreement now instead of shooting for custody now, because I do want the dog. And the PS4.

>>17809891
This isn't an either-or situation. I've outlined the process you're going to have to go through above, but here it is again now: you'll have to try and settle outside of court before you go to court. Your chance of getting sole custody is next to nil, so forget about this fantasy right now, otherwise you're going to be sorely disappointed along the line. Lawyers WILL be involved in this process, you will not be able to 'outsmart' her like you think you will.

Further, I would suggest dealing with this as civilly as possible and not being a shithead about this, she is, and always will be, the mother of your child. Like it or not, she has a role in your child's life and like it or not, this child ties you together for the rest of your lives.

>>17809898
Thanks, man. You've been helpful. I wanted my kid to have a traditional upbringing, but I guess I was fooling myself the whole time as well as assuming I ever had a shot at custody. This shit just happened within the last 6 hours, so my head is spinning.

Should I contact a lawyer tomorrow or wait and see if she is willing to come to an agreement and just sign the papers?

>>17809907
>Should I contact a lawyer tomorrow or wait and see if she is willing to come to an agreement and just sign the papers?
Talk to her first. Like I said, try to be as civil as possible. That said, you won't be able to draft any agreement on your own, you'll need a lawyer for that to make sure that the agreement is in both your interests. She'll need a lawyer to make sure her interests are met, and some of the terms of the agreement will probably need to be negotiated. A written agreement isn't always necessary if you can work things out, but in your situation it does seem like a written agreement is best.

If talking doesn't go well, then contact a lawyer and see what they say.

>>17809863
This is the best advice. See a lawyer, tell that lawyer EVERYTHING and let their expertise figure it out for you.

>>17809912
All I can say is thank god I didn't give into her whining about wanting to get married all these years. What a mistake that would have been...

>>17809928
Actually, given how long you've been together and depending on where you live, it might be treated as the same thing under the law. That's something a lawyer will be able to tell you.

>>17809932
At least I don't have to give up my shit. Unfortunately two of my fav. things are legally hers. The PS4 is an easy replacement, but not the dog. I'm going to especially need the pupper when Im in a lonely house every other week from now on...

Luckily her parents have two dogs already, and prob wont want to take ours.

>>17809698
> girlfriend of 10 years
> 9 year old child

That's why America is declining

>>17809952
What's even worse is i dropped out of college and ended up pursuing zero goals but instead doing whatever I could to make ends meet. Maybe I saved myself over a decade of student debt, maybe I shacked up with someone I didn't love and had a kid. Either way I seriously fucked myself out of ten years that I will never get back. Moral of the story: if you're a hs grad or in college, wrap that shit the fuck up or prepare for a shitty life tied to someone you will one day hate with a passion.

>>17809754
Secondly, the whole 'the law prefers the mother' is largely a myth in this day and age.

>You must not live in the southern states or Midwest US.

Because 9 times out 10 they will give the kids to the mother regardless unless she is on meth and you have pictures, video, and audio to fucking prove it. Doesn't matter if she leaves bruises on your kid or her scumbag new husband does because that is normal discipline in these parts. Oh yes, it is complete bullshit and cps is a fucking joke here.

My cousin's wife burned both of her children's arms on a stove and they still got returned to her in less than a year even though she had no stable income, and my cousin was a veteran who had a well paying job and family that also offered support if he could get full custody.

Things really need to change but I do not see that happening while dhs, cps, the cops even, and the courts have this mentality that authoritarian personalities are fucking fine and dandy to have in regards to child rearing.