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OrgChem undergrad here. I'm doing really well in college, at the top of my class, and going to go to research or MedSchool afterwards, possibly both if I can do a Master's simultaneously with my Medical Degree.
However I feel completely dead and empty inside, in a way I didn't at any other point in my life, and I have difficulty holding conversations with old friends, let alone establishing new relationships or even being around other people. I'm not depressed - I'm not fatigued or somnolent and I have no desire to end my life, nor am I actively suffering. I last had a girlfriend two years ago. I last had sex a year ago. While this information makes me unhappy when I think about it, I have no desire to actively seek out a qt because my social skills have atrophied and having to put up with their personality deters me, as well as the time constraints it'd place on my academic work. When I see a girl I feel a strongly attraction to, I stifle the feeling hard, because it can be painful to allow it to linger. I don't really like the kind of girls at my university, and the ones I would like, are introverted and I don't know how to approach introverted people.
Does it get any better or is the rest of my life going to be obsessively reading books and critically processing information like a homunculus on autopilot? The thought perturbs me frequently and I feel like I'm consistently on the verge of bouts of existential angst.
The thought of doing Medicine, and being a good doctor used to give me a sense of higher meaning or purpose, but that's also faded away and now it feels more like a nerdy and strangely addictive hobby.
How do I get better, and more importantly, figure out if I want to get better, or whether that would simply damage my concept of self by forcing it to include desires that aren't conducive to my character and inauthentic? I'm living what should be an authentic life - eschewing forced wants pure ones, but it feels hollow.
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homie i'm doing grad school after i graduate this spring. chemistry. i have a 2.9 gpa but i think i'll be ok.
i mention this because you'll be ok too. you sound stressed. don't stress about school. it's really not that big of a deal; after a certain point you can't tank your grades that much since you just have too many credits. if you're almost done -- which i assume since you're weighing your post-undergrad options -- put schoolwork on the backburner a bit. talk to classmates, get some finals study groups together, go drink afterwards (if you can). bam, friends.
as for the girl thing you seem to have some major issues. don't stifle your fuckin feelings dude that's not healthy. take some fucking charge if you want a girl. i'm not gonna say some redpill bullshit but if you literally make yourself be confident you will be successful
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>>17800007
> alk to classmates, get some finals study groups together, go drink afterwards (if you can). bam, friends.
I have many friends who I see often, in my class and in the college, but I don't like any of them that much. I have a couple of good friends from way back, but I don't see them and I don't know how to fit them into my life in a lucid way, other than meeting with them once or twice a month for a brief catch-up and a few joints.
Also, due to the problems I mentioned before, I can't maintain friendships with girls, as talking to them makes me feel extremely anxious, and my inability to relate to them and their interests makes me feel angry at them (yikes I know that sounds Ted Bundyish but it's the way I am).
I wish I could make better friends sometimes, who I could talk with about more interesting things, where there would be a sense of collective direction and where meeting new and interesting people was possible, but currently my social milieu is a dead end, and due to inertia and entanglement I can't break away and start from scratch, and besides, my probability of finding interesting or odd people would be just as low.
I'm hoping in Grad School weirdos will start coming out of the wilderness. At least people who read literature other than self-help books reeeeeeee
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>>17799996
Now that I've had some time to think about it, maybe my severe block from forming real relationships with women is the most salient and pressing of my problems and I should see a therapist. The inability to relate could be a rationalization for a more fundamental problem.
I'm trying to find a Lacanian psychoanalyst now - even if it doesn't work, at least it will be a fun ride.
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A-anyone else have any thoughts?
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r e e e e
g-going to bed now, but would still appreciate any advicr
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