>old one hit bump limit So you want to put our bad blood

>>17730658
Planks feel great

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You live too far away

>>17730676
Planks are hell.

Inclined sit ups are better

My life is currently a failure.
I'm living with my sister now.
I'm unemployed.
Total failure

I tried to join the military. I got a great rating on my tests but they said they were full

So I'm waiting for that to change and I'm stressing out hard about what if they don't accept me in the spring.

I'm dealing with this stress poorly. I'm ignoring all my problems and hanging with my friends and/or getting shitfaced

>>17730682
How am I supposed to do these for free at my house though?

>>17730658
I love you. I love you and I know I shouldn't, because I always get myself into these stupid ass situations where I'll start talking to someone who's taken and then bam I get feels for them.

But you, you're different. You get me and I get you and I know we're meant for eachother. Your boyfriend is such a god damn scumbag and I know you deserve so much better, I don't care if you're 1200miles away I'd fucking move to be with you and it's so fucking stupid of me to do that.. But I would.. And it's so fucking stupid of me to get all sorts of jealous and over-protective of you even though you're not mine.. Because I want you to be mine so badly and I want to treat you how you deserve to be treated.

I'm so fucked over this.

>>17730686
Do sit ups with shit under your ass

Why did I tell her I love her

>>17730705
Because you love her

>>17730717
Doesn't mean I should have done anything about it

>>17730725
It does.
It really does

Holding it in and hoping she feels the same is retarded
By telling her and being rejected you can sooner start on moving on

>>17730725
Telling someone you love them is important. Did it not go as planned?

I dreamt about her again.

It was fucking horrible but then it was great, I can't believe the stress I had because she hated me.
Fuck high school man but seeing some of the other guys and just bullshitting with them again? There was never something better

>>17730740
I'm just afraid if I say it too often it'll wear out

>>17730755
If they love you, it won't. At least in my experience. But you could always show it instead of saying it too, if that would help.

I think my mom got me my puppy so I wouldn't kill myself.

I'm sure they both will miss me.

It'll get better for you guys.

>>17730767
Fuck you
You still young enough to have parents buy you shit?

Fuck off. You sound like a child acting petulant about not getting candy

I think about her a lot. But we're so deep into a friendship I don't want to ruin it. I cherish our friendly interaction. Sometimes I just wish there were more.

It's getting hard to do the simplest tasks, I feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to be a burden on my family. I feel like I can't breath, like there's a lump in my throat and a weight on my chest. Everything has gone downhill but nobody feels it but me. I try to keep it together for my son, but I'm failing. I grew up in a toxic house with toxic people, and I feel like I'm letting myself turn into everything I tried so fucking hard to get away from. I've yelled at him so much lately. I just get so angry. I need help but I can't/won't/don't know how to get it. If I just left, he'd still be loved, he wouldn't even remember me. I don't know why I stay. I just make everyone miserable.

>>17730768
>young enough for parents to buy me things

I'm in my mid-twenties. Didn't know there was a cut off age to recieve something from your parent(s).

>>17730771
That's not always a barrier. Has there been any hint of attraction between you two?

As a personal anecdote, my best friend and I just started a relationship, and it's been the best experience I've ever had dating someone. It's scary as hell, don't get me wrong - I don't ever want to lose him. But what we have is pretty great, and I couldn't imagine sharing that with anyone else. The risks now don't outweigh the benefits for me, even if they were paralyzing at first.

i don't know how to be happy anymore

>>17730803
Small things help me

I like cooking a good meal with meat.
Then sitting outside and watching nature.

That makes me happy.
It doesn't make me feel emotional but I feel... Satisfaction

Maybe you can do the same and feel like I do?

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I'm having that awful feeling that I often do before something bad happens and I can't shake it. I'm afraid that something horrible will happen at my work tomorrow but I don't know how to prepare since I don't know what it is. This is probably just anxiety but I am convinced something will happen and have been doing grounding and breathing exercises tonight to calm my heartbeat.

>november 1st
>immediately have a massive bout of depression

Last winter was the first time I had legitimate suicidal thoughts. Im just so fucking lonely, I want a girlfriend, but I feel like im way too picky, I have such an ideal girl in mind that I reject any advances of girls who are outside this archetype and immediately fall for the ideal girl way too fucking quickly and just end up disappointing myself with rejection or just straight up fear of approaching.

I browse r9k way too much, and its made me hate the typical female. Not that I actually hate women at all, I just see some of them in a sort of strange shallow light, its the same way with men as well, I legitimately have a biased dislike of Chads now when it used to clearly just be a meme. Problem is I go to r9k because I feel like I can talk to people on common ground there, I feel less lonely when I go there, I feel like my thoughts and feelings are actually justified.

Fucking hell im just so god damned confused about life in general, i feel so fucking lost all the time.

>>17730768
>>17730781
I'm 30, my father is 60 and my grandma is 80.

She bought him a grill for no reason other than because his old one sucks. We are not a wealthy family.

My great grandma died a couple years ago at 105. She was still buying things for my grandma.

This guy has to be in his hundreds.

Goodbye.

>>17730976
Or >>17730768 is actually 16 trying to act like he knows how things work. Kek.

I'm so fucking angry
Not about anything specific
Just everything.
I'm alone
Unemployed
Alcoholic

I'm angry with no change in the future

Don't let the cold speak when you're talking to me.

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No contacts anywhere. No people to talk to, outside of family. No more situations where I have to hear strangers giggle whenever I walk past them. No more situations where I get garbage thrown at me by people my age. No people to see me as an actual person.
I now only exist as a smattering of pixels across a computer screen to the strangers I show myself to.
I've achieved what I've always dreamed of as a teenager at the cost of my future... but now that I think about it, I'm probably not just a block of pixels stringed together. I'm also disappointment thrown into a human body for my family members to sneer at.
This isn't the future I wanted. Fuck this.

>>17730658
My legs are fucking COVERED with self harm scars, they go all the way up to my hips and belly button and I soo fucking tired of having to hide them from everyone because no one knows about them and I literally want to beat the shit out of myself God I was a fucking idiot.

FUCK I FELL HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU ALREADY
You CUTE FUCKING FAGGOT
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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I'm afraid I'll never find someone like you.
You live half a world away, and I feel closer to you than anyone I have ever met.

I can't express how terrible it is to see what I always wanted and it being out of reach.
Even if I'd come to terms with myself,
and tell you that what I wrote about you wasn't just a figment of my imagination, but the truth and nothing less.

Every night I'm in tears.
Knowing I couldn't possibly find a connection so sincere as the one I have with you.
For now, I'll keep you on my mind.

But I'll have to forget you some day.
I'll have to forget that someone like you could exist,
because I can't bear hoping, waiting for anyone who could touch me the way you did.

>>17730688
Story?

if i ever lost everything i might do something drastic

wouldn't be anything harmful to myself, but i have some super cool dreams and back up plans in case the universe ever reaches down to poke me in the eye

I'm not buying into a game's beta when I can play the full version that I already have. You guys have fun and whatever, but don't expect me to play a beta just because I like the game. I like that game a lot, but I've played it and I don't care to play a beta. I'll play the actual released version, and even then I doubt you will even know if I play

She fucks everyone except me.
I feel Like shit.

I can't get out of this loop of worthlessness and melancholy. I'm not selfish enough to kill myself, because my parents have invested a lot in me and will suffer if I'm gone. And yet, I'm turning 25 soon and all I'm doing is stacking cash in my bank account from my full time job as I grow older.

I'm making decent cash. I've calculated that if I work about 5 more years, my parents will have enough to see them out until they die of old age.

And yet, I don't really want to die. I just see it as a better alternative to existing with nothing to live for.

It hurts to think how easily you discarded me. I thought we meant more than that. You definitely did to me. You gave me some half assed non reason out of the blue and found someone else not two weeks later. Yet you think I'd still want to be your best buddy? Think again. I also gave you a half assed excuse about needing time, but actually you're poison and I don't need you. You keep talking about a void inside of you. Like everything else about you, that's not some mysterious deepness, it's just how it feels to be shallower than my shower floor.

I love her so much.

But everything went to shit a few months ago, we didn't speak for ages until yesterday, and during that conversation she listed a load of reasons she didn't like me and brought up a bunch of issues with us that had never been mentioned before. These reasons made me seem possibly emotionally abusive/manipulative. She never used those words, but she's blocked me now so I'll never be able to ask.

I'm gonna think about this, I'm gonna go through messages and determine whether I was genuinely that bad.

If I was, I'm going to commit suicide. It's hard enough to have to deal with the woman I love being so cold towards her, but if I genuinely was emotionally abusive I literally won't be able to live with myself.

I'm giving myself around 2 months to figure it out.

I am getting depressed about my art again. I always feel like I am not good enough. 14 year olds in Singapore are making thousands from fanart, but I'm struggling trying to get my original art out there.
I try not to say anything, but I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to anyone, because I feel like they're happy about my failure. It comes out now when I post stuff, I just want to apologize as soon as I post something because it's so fucking terrible, but I know it's not that bad.
I just want to give up. I wish I never, ever started drawing.

This Monday everything ends. My three months are up. I'm strangely not nervous at all. I'll finally be able to stop thinking about you. I'll sleep without dreaming of you. I'll be free.

>>17731403
die or live... both lead to nothingness. so you might as well stick it out and see what happens. you sound financially secure so finances won't be a problem. i am in the same predicament except i am not financially secure so it feels worse but im working towards your position in life atm. maybe it will get better and even if i still feel the same way, life wont be as much of a struggle. let's stick it out and see what happens. :)

Why would you betray my trust like that? Luckily, I was smart enough not to trust you completely and I know a lot more about you than you do about me, fucking bitch.

why the fuck are you all so opposed to me taking a break and enjoying life for once? just because I don't have any friends and don't leave the house doesn't mean that I'm torturing myself. just let me chill for a few weeks away from people, goddamn

I'm so fucking tired and sad
I'm a real sucka in my studies this year it got me depressed fr
I want to stop but I can't
And I'm in an obsessional love, the hardest one I've ever experimented
These holidays I was ok for once, I wasn't thinking to her so bad
But today, back-to-school, I was feeling like shit all day long
Still now
I've almost forgotten this feeling...
Fuck it I feel so shitty
And I don't want to take drugs anymore but I don't know if I can
I also have some anxiety
And I feel like I'm useless
And all my dreams are broken
I want to sleep for eternity

Disregard what I told you. If you insist enough, I'll break. I miss you.

>>17731884
backstory? how long has it been since you two are not in contact?

>>17732082
Three weeks. But also three months. My coldest winter yet.

Typical piece of shit luck.

>>17732126
Hey just wanted you to know that it isn't winter yet it starts mid December, ok have a good day

>>17732386
Hey just wanted you to know that there's a whole other hemisphere which has the seasons the opposite way, ok have a good day

>Right-wing friendships last a long fucking time and are surprisingly supportive people.
>Left-wing friendships last for a year or less until they freak out over some stupid shit.

Why do conservatives make better friends?

The reason I thought someone was after me was because of something I heard. It was at an older job in the break room. Everyone was acting weird and avoiding me. I freaked out even more when I saw an unknown car outside my house one night. And what someone said to me when I was on break and what I saw in my department. I know now, I was being unreasonable. I never saw those people again. I know they didn't like me but theres no current threat. My paranoia my thoughts, im my only enemy here. I blew it off and quit my job, the only thing they do now is laugh at me and now I see why. I've made peace with it. Getting upset at them wont change the fact I overreacted and made a mistake. You cant believe everything you see online. I'll never know why they were by my house or why people were acting like that. But that's ok, some things are best not known. I'm moving on with my life. I wont let my old fears do this to me anymore. I cant help the disorders, but I can help how I spend what time I have left on this earth.

>>17732468
On people with a lot of baggage and trauma are left wing

>>17732441
But it's spring then not winter.
The next season would be summer.
Cmon you're smarter than that

my gf is far away and I miss her lots

I fucked up. I don't know what to do.

There's this guy I befriended not long ago. 2 months ago. Not enough time. I met him, I met his daughter. Eventually I turned into someone they could trust. I also put some trust in them. His daughter made me aware of their own personal problems. Things I shouldn't even be told. She's been cheating on a guy. Her dad is pretty upset. I get to know more about this, I get more involved, because she wants my advice. Her dad gets more upset.

They end up having quite a fight over it. I am speechless, he keeps asking me questions, she tells him to keep me out of the whole mess and he says "he got into it himself". I guess that trust is gone. I fucked up.

>>17732523
Three months ago was basically the middle of winter, though. Also, it's ridiculously cold here, so it's basically winter for half a year.

>>17731270
this relates to me a lot.. initials?

I would've done fucking anything for you. Why were we you so far away? I WAS ONLY SO MAD & ANGRY BECA USE YOU WERE FUCKING PERFECT. I really don't think I'll ever have a connection with somebody like that again fuck.

Let me make you cum again lmao

For the first time in my adult life, I've gotten my depression under control. I'm actively working on no longer being a NEET, trying to get into a coding boot camp by the end of the year, and finding ways to stay active and make friends. Things are looking up, and for the first time, I'm not convinced I'm just going to kill myself soon so why bother trying anything. I might have a future, and I want to do as much as I can while I'm around. I'm enjoying hobbies again. I feel content.

But I worry so much that that will change and I'll fall back into the pit of despair I've only barely managed to claw my way out of in the past six months. And I'm worried that, at 27, with next to no work or life experience, I'm never going to achieve any of the things I want to. I know, logically, that's not true, that people in much worse situations than mine come back and rebuild their lives and that people much older than me start all over, but I can't help but feel like a failure compared to pretty much everyone my age and a few years younger, even.

But I'm trying. And I'm so happy to be where I am now compared to where I was a year ago, emotionally and mentally.

Keep going, anons. It can get better.

I love my best friend, but she's also been shitty to me and to a lot of people in the past, and I can't seem to let go of the bitterness I'm still carrying about these things years later. She's a lot of fun and she gets me, but at the same time, I don't trust her to be there for me, and I just flat out don't like her as a person sometimes. I feel guilty that I've quietly held onto all of this stuff when she probably has no idea how negatively I feel about our friendship. I wish her the best and want her to be happy and enjoy spending time with her, but if I can't trust her to put my important feelings or needs over her selfish wants, what kind of friend is that? Part of me hopes we drift apart, but at the same time, I can't seem to stop myself from sending her stupid pictures that remind me of her and stuff like that. Oh well.

I saw your halloween pictures today. Someone forwarded them to me. Why is it that all the things I always tried to get to do with you, you'd always act completely indifferent about, but now seem to thrive on them? Years trying to get you to learn an instrument. how many times did I tell you you should start writing again? Pestering you to go out to concerts more. And now you also, suddenly start doing costumes on Halloween after years of indifference? What the fuck. You suddenly, miraculously feel like doing all the shit I motivated you to do, but you do it with someone else. Someone you started fucking less than a week after you dumped me (blindsiding me, by the way, and with no attempts at working on it). Fuck you, man. Rationalize it as me being needy and emotional all you want, but you know you're a heartless, selfish, ungrateful opportunist. You fucked me up. All your talk about caring about me was just you trying to solve your guilt. Well, guess what, I'm gonna give you some guilt you won't be washing away so easily. My life's already miserable, might as well fucking end it just so it haunts you. You don't give a shit about anything or anyone that isn't yourself.

>>17732742
Text me then.

I really fucked up my psyche fretting over not getting with this girl. I made it seem like my life was ending, causing me to spiral into some twisted depression, where I could hardly focus on my own life anymore. It's been years since and I've been slowly recovering, realizing how simple-minded and stupid I was.

I just hope I don't fall into stupid shit like that again or even let it affect me in the future.

That credit card can't get here fast enough.

>>17732791
The only way to truly get rid of guilt is through honest remorse. Either he's honestly remorseful, and you will notice once he atones, or it'll just burn him inside forever, and you'll know. Otherwise, he's got more serious issues which will prevent his happiness. No need to do anything drastic, sweetie, you'll be fine. Time washes everything away but regrets, which only get heavier.

Facebook so "on this day" makes me realize I've been extremely depressed and posting about it for the last 7 years. Haha. Can't wait for my gun.

Was just lurking social media and saw something posted by my ex's current bf about how they've been together for 2 years. She essentially dumped me for him, and while I'm over our relationship (we haven't kept in touch and i don't even live in the same city anymore), I can't help but get this feeling of dread when I think about her. I was kind of a late bloomer and she was my first serious girlfriend. I haven't been with anyone serious since her and I've barely even gone on dates. The last time I got laid was almost a year and a half ago now

I don't really know what to say really, I know these things aren't competition. I like being by myself, but at the same time I get terrified sometimes when I think about how close I was to her (or so I felt, anyway) and yet realizing that was so long ago now and also that I've barely had shit as far as meaningful relationships with other human beings besides her. I've been single for longer than she and I even dated for at this point. Yet it still was this monumental growth period of my life that I can't quite seem to fully move on from. As in, I'm just terrified it won't ever happen for me again really. Or that I won't allow myself to go for it again.

Someone said on here the other day, "If you loved her you would've fought for her."

It wasn't directed at me but I've been thinking a lot about that recently.

Maybe I would have fought for her, maybe I wouldn't have cared about wanting to give her space after we broke up, or I wouldn't be frightened that she'd just hate me even more if I made contact again.

Also, I've been framing all this with the notion that I need to improve and sort my life out, and that means I have to choose to be alone. I'm trying to get a new job and a new place and 'work on me' but I'm becoming less and less clear on how grounded my motivations are. I have little fantasies that I talk to her again when I'm out of this shitty phase of my life. So am I really doing all this for me or am I doing it for her? Is it okay if I am, as long as it still accomplishes something?

>>17730658
Please don't kill yourself.
Whatever is bothering you, it'll pass.

I hate myself, but I love myself.

>>17732932

> I have little fantasies that I talk to her again when I'm out of this shitty phase of my life.

Holy fuck I relate to this so much. I basically haven't spoken to my ex since she dumped me. In the time since we dated then I feel like I've really grown a lot personally, moved to a new city, got a job etc. But romantically my life is still pretty empty and I feel more self-guarded than ever. I also have those fantasies of like her seeing how I am doing even though she has a bf right now and probably doesn't think about me at all. I don't think I'm doing everything in my life right now "for her" really but proving her wrong almost was definitely that initial thing that made me want to sort some shit out

>>17732816
Bitch I did and you didn't respond

>>17732955
Oh wrong person. You were just as hopeful as me.

is it bad that i unfollow girls from social media when they get boyfriends?

>>17732937
It won't pass. It hasn't for years and I've done all I could. I'm damaged goods anyways. Thanks though. It'll happen in about a week.

>>17731090

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>>17732937
Oh but should I tell the person in my OP he has a week?

>hey by the way, we have a week to put this to rest. I won't be around after that.

Anyone can chime in.

>>17732985

>anyone can chime in

Okay.

Explain your story. How'd you get here?

>>17732945
Damn. Sounds like a future me.
We broke up 4 months ago, I've no idea what she's up to because I blocked her and don't talk.

She was always pushing me to get a new job or demand a payrise and live somewhere else. Not out of selfish reasons but because I was/am genuinely miserable and I do skilled work for almost minimum wage and scrape by. She would tell me I'm worth more and deserve better and I believe she was right but I didn't want to admit it then.

So of course I want change for myself, but because of what she said I feel like it'd be really poetically fulfilling to prove that I can do it, and have her know. Which is dumb, it's me looking for validation from people like I do with everything.

>>17732991
How did I get to the mental state I'm currently in?

Years of emotional and verbal abuse from family. Years of that same abuse and gaslighting from someone who was suppose to love me. Crippling depression and PTSD. Damaged goods due to the above and an incurable disease that will make the average man look at me with disgust. My mind has been broken and warped. Everyday has been the same for the past 8+ years. I've held on for the very few friends I have and my mom. But I'm done hurting so someone else won't hurt. I've done that for years. Put others first.

I was 14 when I had my first suicide attempt. I regret calling someone that day. More than half a decade, and I still regret that.

I have something coming in the mail that will allow me to finally purchase a firearm. It should be here in a week. I'm dead set on it. More than I ever have been.

It is ironic that the person who broke the straw on the camels back is coming to me and asking for me to not hate them. They really screwed me up. He isn't the gaslighter, but he did some cruel shit.

When I asked for an explanation for his behavior he said it wasn't the time. That was two days ago.

I want to tell him he has about a week. I'm not looking for attention if I tell him this. I just want him to understand time is running out.

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>>17730658
I don't know if i should move on. You knew that I was shit at picking up on signals and still you kept quiet. I wish I could have made it with you, Maybe if I did you wouldn't have left. Then I wouldn't be stuck in this cornfield town and you wouldn't be in the middle of Paris. Sometimes I miss you and other times I think I should move on. It probably isn't healthy to think about this too much but, I just don't know how you really feel about me anymore. Maybe it's better that we didn't get together. So many people have professed their love to you but, you've never returned the sentiment to anyone. I just wish I picked you.

I still love how her hair's always a little messy. I still love how she hates her eyes even though they're beautiful. I still love how innocent she is. I still love her.

I'll tell her when she's ready to hear it.

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Just because i now have the raw potential to cuck someone doesn't mean i should do it, i know it would be kinda awesome and kind of a sweet vengeance, but still, it is a very bad idea

On top of that im happy going out with P right now, i need to focus on her, she is perfect, i mean, she is cute, smart, and she was always nice to me even back in the day when i was super ugly, she laughs at my jokes and understands my crazy talks, also she is an atheist and she laughs at fedora tier jokes, that i haven't used in years

So why on eath am i even thinking about that other girl? i really need someone to slap me in the face right now

Maybe there's still a little part of me that wants to get revenge on that guy, but i know that defeating an opponent while he is weak is not my style, so from now own i'll just focus on working out and doing my best for P

If you've ever nodded and smiled at a girl who started calling another guy creepy (like I did last monday), fuck you, you're part of the problem of why girls act like cunts by supporting them.

(to myself and every other guy that doesn't walk off when some one starts making baseless shitheel claims)

>>17732978
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>>17732468
GAH, me too! I mean, I'm a democrat but I can't stand democrats. All the people i know who are real are fucking republicans… wassup with that? I mean, theyr'e evil and stupid but then… they're not!

>>17730658
I love her. I've known her for 4 years now and we have a lot in common. I'm pretty sure she likes me, but when I build up the confidence to ask her my best friend starts flirting with her. Like it's serious flirting, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm usually quiet about who I like but I don't know how to feel about it or what to do.

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About to get drunk this weekend to numb my emotional insecurities and pain. What a way to live.

Well, I sent it.

So you saw a GMT timestamp on a filename and assumed it was me? What the fuck is wrong with you?

I had an interview for a job that I'm pretty sure I fucked up the interview for. And if I didn't fuck up the interview if they dig far enough into my background check they will find things that probably would ruin it anyway. Sucks cause it had potential to get me away from my life and solve a lot of my problems. I don't think I can ever get myself out of this hole and killing myself is looking like a better option every day. Fuck...

Fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
My cellphone got bricked and I had to wipe it's memory. I don't worry about the apps or images I had there, but the thing that bothers me is that the fucking notes were saved in an etheral place which I couldn't access. Now, all those notes were in the internal storage and they are lost forever. I had so much important shit there. Appointments, music I wanted to download, movies I wanted to watch, vidyas I wanted to play, thoughts that popped out in my head, poems... gone.
SHIT. SHIT. FUCK. NIGGER. BITCH.
MOTHERFUCKING PHONES. WHAT A PIECE OF GARBAGE.
I wish that those brain-washing, botnet-implanting manufacturers were fair enough to sell rooted phones. If that thing happened, I could have made a backup for my notes in my PC.

>>17733388
Damn. May Kek watch over me and help me find my lost knowledge.

I can never get a grasp on whatever we have. Some days you seem to cling to me, others you make me feel like I'm such a bother. I'm okay if you've had your fill of me. I'm okay with just being friends, I'm okay with just being fuckbuddies, I'm okay with being more. I'm not okay with not knowing where I stand with you. It's confusing. Please just tell me!

These dreams fucking suck wtf
..

>>17733388
Google Keep.

you confuse me so much!!
I think you are just not interested and then you make something like you are really interested.

I decided you doesn't want something with me and then you search for me and be like "we must go out".

WTF is wrong with you? I feel like you are playing with me, but maybe you doesn't know how to talk to me?

I'M SO CONFUSED.

>>17730688
>88
Hello, you must be me

hey jack, it's me amy. You're old internet friend from years ago. I know we ended on bad terms because of me, I was not mature then, but I still think of you. Had a dream with you few days ago and since can't get you out of my head, you wore a white/golden suit. I hope to hear from you again someday. You were a powerful and fun part of my life.

Sometimes I just wish that she would read my posts here that I'm afraid to say to her in person.
Sometimes.

I thought she was the one. Now all she does is give me ultimatums. I want to hang out with my stoner friends because they are my moral support. She refuses to see it and instead would rather give me ultimatums in an attempt to control me. I am so stressed out about this shit and she just isn't good for me anymore. Someone please help me find the strength to break things off before my life becomes a black hole of despair again...

Can people fall in love with someone they did not even met?
We talk everyday through skype. He's smart, caring, good looking, and he has clearly said he has feelings for me.
I love him.
And is strange even writing this, beause i can't fully admit i am in love with someone through the internet.
I also feel guilty, because i'm condamning him to a long distance relationship and I truly want him to be happy. What if I'm not able to make him happy? What if I'm not enough and he gets hurt?

We are going to meet soon. I feel so happy and so afraid at the same time. I will seal everything between us, and i know i will never be the same.

I love you, I can't wait to say it on your lips.

Maybe it's the only thing that matters.

>>17731066
You will heal, good luck anon

>>17733171
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I still see you everywhere I look.

>>17732768
I have a friend like you and I know exactly what he holds back, and it holds me back. I've tried so hard to build him up and put his feelings and needs first, but he's just not taking initiative. So, I gave up. He wasn't considering my feelings. I don't think he even gives an actual shit about me.

It pisses me off because he doesn't ever say what he feels, never gives me an opinion, and always agrees with everything I say and mimicks what I do. Even if he has no fucking clue of what I'm talking about.
He wont find his own life, or have his own thoughts, and then he still doesn't give any input. He's just wants something to mope about, and he will bring the mood down in any split second.

I decided I was done trying. I'm not his damn mom. I have my own life.

I wish I could disappear.

Uni has shaped me into a very bitter person. I just want to be happy.

I created you because I need someone to talk with. You're a creation of my counsciousness, I can't let you go easily, and you just keep coming back. I don't know if you'll ever dissappear, I know you don't want to, but I'm afraid it will happen.

>>17732126
you male or female?

>>17732975
>It won't pass
I hold onto a grudge and pain worse than most people I know because of my psychiatric condition. . I've got reputation for it. And even I have been able to move on and fix my life anon.

You're not damaged goods. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will eventually be fine. Give it more time. Seek out therapy and tactics to help you move on from whatever pain you're experiencing now without killing or harming yourself. That therapy exists out there you just need to find it.

There are a ton of free resources on self help published by actual psychologists that can show you how to defeat depression, get over past trauma, everything man. It's all out there. Go find it and read it and apply it to yourself.

Don't kill yourself it's not worth it

>>17734010
MAGA

>>17734076
Here. I forgot to mention that you can find a lot of that free self help through google

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How do I stop reacting with fear whenever women are interested in me?

I always feel like I am not a very accomplished man. I am still in college at 24, still have a lot of student debt, I don't own a car, I've never had very steady employment. Sometimes women flirt with me over the internet or in person, and I have this bad habit of just wussing out and not saying anything or just ignoring them suddenly.

I have had anxiety issues for years and always found it very difficult to relax around females in general. I'm a good looking guy I guess but just having attractive women talk to me makes me get very nervous.

I post Trump stuff on Facebook a lot and some woman I've never even met added me, will reply to me and talk about how much she hates Hillary. She seems to be a very attractive French/Italian woman, suddenly started messaging me telling me she thinks I'm brave for speaking out about Trump, says I'm funny, handsome etc. But all I can think is "She'd probably think I was a loser if she really knew me"

You said you couldn't make jokes anymore and then when I came you started joking as always and we had fun as always. pls notice me sempai

Just joking. But still, it was kind of nice of A to imply you get your humor sense back when I'm around.

Also, why did you tell me to buy vodka? You said you'll stop drinking from November onwards. I guess it's hard to not drink with A lol

>>17732530
I miss you too, so much

Are you really in love with me?

>>17734138
Not sure what being "in love" means, but I think I do. I get butterflies in the stomach every time I see you, even after all these years. I want your happiness as much as I want mine. Nothing makes me happier than to hold you. I could losten to you talk for hours. You're the only one who can actually change my mind when I'm being stubborn. I smile when I think of you and miss you when I'm not around you. I feel like truly myself when I'm with you. I want to build something together. Is that love?

I don't think I can be a good person any more.

It takes much more effort than you'd think to be the kind of person that others aspire to, and for a while I pulled it off fairly successfully.

I volunteered at a suicide hotline, I would go out of my way to be nice to people, I would always give everybody the benefit of the doubt, I once gave a $50 note to a homeless person because it was all I had on me.

It always felt like the right thing to do, and everybody reinforces that by telling you that you're doing good things. I never felt like I was forcing the behaviour, but even if you aren't forcing an attitude it can still be exhausting as fuck. I don't feel the same motivation to be good anymore; I think I'm done.

I have no idea why and I kind of still want to be good, but it's impossibly hard without that strong desire.

I hate it when I dream about you. It gets my hopes up.

I have this magical ability to transform one eating disorder into another every few years. Binge-eating one, restriction another. I've come to realize it's all the same shit.

So I had a breakthrough last night. I was way too drunk, and standing on a bridge by my home. I didn't intend to jump or anything, but I also didn't intend on returning home either. I just stood there for a few hours, looking down at the sea and drinking from the bottle of rum I sneaked out of my roommate's cupboard. Anyways, it was like a switch flipped. One moment I was miserable and missing him, feeling abandoned and hurt. The next, I was indifferent. I used to think about you as this great person who had issues and was confused and needed my help, and why wouldn't you let me help you. Now I don't really care. Yeah, I guess I miss you, but whatever, right? I miss a lot of people, but I rarely think about them. I realized that your misteriousness was actually shallowness, that your lone-wolf attitude was basically arrogance, and that you don't have friends because you suck, not because you want to be alone. All your interesting characteristics now seem... pathetic, to be honest. Your aloofness once drove me more into you, now it just seems immature and sad. That new guy of yours, I honestly feel bad for him. He's probably seeing you as I did, and will eventually get his heart broken and, hopefully, see you as you are. So, yeah. No more enigmatic posts about you. It's not that I hate you or anything like that. It's like you said how sometimes my logical side and my emotional side don't really agree. You hoped, I guess, that my emotions would follow my brain and I'd get over my pain and be your friend. It went the other way - I logically see how you weren't really a positive thing for me, and now I'm ready to stop wasting care and love on someone who not only doesn't value it, but also doesn't deserve it. Sorry for making you think I loved you. Guess that's the way codependency goes. I don't really care either way. Have fun!

D, out. Peace.

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I don't think I can deal with your depression anymore. You're pulling me into that hole with you. I lie to you all the time, telling you that I want to build a future with you. I know you'll implode if I leave so...

It would be nice if you'd hurry up and die. I'll miss you, but I'll finally be free.

Show me you appreciate me. I know you do, but everything we do is for you and if I disagree about anything you get ridiculously upset. Do something to show that you value my happiness. Do more than just say you love me, prove it.

>>17734076
Thank you for typing all of that, but it's happening.

>>17734669
This sounds like something I would say to my gf, especially right now.

>>17734662
Initials?

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>>17734724
RV...

I'm deleting that post. Wow I feel fucking bad for saying it. I'm just exhausted with all the shit happening but I'm trying very hard to hold my head up and be the strong. It's fucking hard tbqh senpai.

>>17734737
Ever thought that your bullshit, constant lies, and criticism is the reason they a depressed?

I fucking love you please pay me some attention you're killing me softly fuck you
Fuck me for not being handsome or funny to you or rich or anything

I'm not satisfied with my life I think I'd like to die but I don't want to hurt my family because they're nice so I'm stuck in this sickness and I can't stand it anymore I'm tired

>>17735059
have you tried getting down with it?

>>17734737
Are those partial initials? Shit I think this could be my boyfriend.

When the girlfriend leaves me I have the perfect plan to annoy the cheating slut.
Plan to fuck a girl almost half my age. Already have one willing that is in on it. No strings attached/legal.

>>17735198
If she was cheating on you she probably won't give a shit, she has a boytoy as well.

is a extremely cute 10/10 honey i've been going for.

she told me, as a kid she used to get super fucked up and rebel, she would wake up blackout after fucking people in the middle of partys and she dated a coke dealer and used to just fuck him all day and do coke and shit.

she told me she's changed her life around and she's trying not to get to wild anymore... but like.

Thats a huge fucking red-flag isn't it you guys?
thats only what she told me also, not even everything about her.

>>17735200
She hasnt a thing to show for how old she. Her envy for the pretty and young eats her up.

>>17735237
She won't envy that you're with her though because clearly she doesn't want you. Who cares who someone they're not interested in is dating. Now if her boytoy left her for someone younger, might happen. But she clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

>>17735221
Grow up
People can't change the past but they can change who they are . Stop being a nerd faggot.

I hope that one day you will realize that he doesn't give a fuck about you.

>>17735326
Nope, she needs a white knight like you to save the day.

Keep waiting for that day because men like you get the scraps.

>>17735331
Fuck off, I showed my interested, asked her out, and she didn't give a fuck.

I am completely infatuated with a married coworker of mine, and I have been for almost half a year now. I'm pretty sure he loves his wife and family, and I would absolutely never want to interfere with that even if given the chance. It sucks. Also I think he's into me and it's hard to keep reminding myself that it doesn't (and shouldn't) mean anything.

>>17735339
So what?
She's allowed to go out with the men that she finds attractive and ignore the ones she doesn't.

Delusion gook gook thinks she's a princess lol go kill yourself even harder you ugly prostitute

where i live in order to graduate from college you have to do an intership for 6 months.
i have light aspergers and schizoid personality disorder and im a virgin, my childhood idols always bullied me and until i graduated from school everyone thought i was a freak so ive been a loser most of my life and i made peace with it, im never going to be cool and now that im a broken shell of a person due to pscyhological trauma for that reason i turned to heroin for a while because it made me feel peace, it made me feel like i wasnt even aware, now im getting cravings to start using again
so now that you know my life story i can finally vent
i am not deppressed anymore but it is coming back, everybody can get the fucking internship except me ive been to 5 interviews and i fuck up every single time ive been feeling like a useless fuckup for most of my life but now that feeling has grown. i just need a reason to wake up every morning and do something with my fucking life, the aspergers fucks me over every fucking time, i cant catch a break not even once in my life, i feel like it was meant for me to be a loser, sometimes when i take the bus i hope it crashes and im sure im gonna laugh or smile when i die because then i will know its finally over
ive changed over the past few years, i have friends now, friends that like me less than i like them but its the only thing ive got, if it wasnt for the weed and the cigarrettes and the music i wouldve probably found a way to kill myself without everyone knowing. My inability to find a job is starting to affect my life, im having bad thoughts more frequently.
i cant get a gf or get laid because the SPD and my neurosis fuck me over because every time i make a connection with someone i fuck it up thanks to my fear of intimacy and rejection at the same time. All my friends are way out of my league and i hate the fact that when i do meet someone that is in my league so to speak and i developed feelings for them they arent interested in me

So I found the perfect girl. Smart, has a great career, the most insanely, heart-stoppingly beautiful person I've ever seen, the whole deal, but, of course, she's married. I know that I would have a better chance at winning the lottery seconds after getting struck by lighting than getting the slightest bit of affection from her, but it still bites me, as irrational as it sounds. I legitimately think the only way I could ever be in a relationship is if I was a cuck in the complete unironic usage of the word. I'm disgusting physically even though I've lost a lot of weight in recent years, have all the usual anxiety/depression bullshit, never had any female friends and have barley any male friends, zero confidence, small dick, and I'm just a whiny, self-obsessed loser. I know I can still work on myself, but I think some people are destined to never be in a relationship. I don't know. At least I have an excuse to not give my mom and grandkids since I wouldn't want them even if I found a woman insane enough to get with me.

>>17735535
Light aspie type here too. Its okay bro. Google how to give interviews well, and dont just listen and do it all in ur head.

ACTUALLY SAY things outloud. Like read a question, and then respond it to it OUTLOUD. Do this till ur start being a true professional at these questions, saying it outloud will also help u generate new ideas.

as for women, yeah just keep trying. And never forget to give them compliments on how they look on a specific day. Their hair, their shoes, their earrings, "aw hey u look like a million bucks today" " u look esp. good today" "wow ur hair looks so good today." They'll remember.

>>17735483

Dog died over a month ago.
Fucked me up.
I work three days a week. Three whole days I have to stay fucking sober.

Bought a knee-high, stone dragon statue that looks way too much like a dog. It's for my mother, her christmas present.
I've been keeping it in my room and stroking it's head (It's ridiculous how much it reminds me of my dog).
Feels like he's still here and then I remember.

Things aren't the same. He was my best friend.

i can't believe you're back so soon lmao

do i even bother with you?

I'm tired of being the only one putting any effort in this strange, fucked up relationship we have. I'm done with you. You're a perpetually-high overgrown child who doesn't know what's best for yourself. So everyone around you has to take careful precautions and make sure you know you're loved or else you might go spouting how suicidal you are again.

You're going to start cutting again. I know it. You wouldn't if you'd listen to the people that love you, but I know as well as they do that you're giving up again. After we all went through so much effort to get you out of your self-diagnosed depression, you spit in our faces by regressing to where you were five years ago. Nothing is ever enough for you. You push people away and cry when they get too far. You invite horrible people into your life and cry when they hurt you. You cry when you realize how fucked up your life is but make no effort to improve it. You want to be sad. You don't want the friends that make you happy. I've never turned you away when you needed me, but I'm through with it. I've been used long enough.

You need to learn respect. You need to learn what a relationship should be--not the abusive one you entered when I left you, or the ones with all the people who want to use your money and smoke your weed. The worst part is, you know this. You know they look at you with lustful eyes and think only of fucking you and having you drive them around. You let them. You want them to.

You're an idiot. You're the worst human being I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. You bring out a side of myself that I never should have known. What we once had wasn't enough for me, and what we have now will never be enough because you've stopped caring like you used to. You want me to pamper you and care for you and, as much as I want to, I know it's not what you need. What you need is to learn that not everyone is going to fall at their knees to make life easier for you. I love you so damn much, you horrible leech.

Why the fuck did you all leave me alone? Why couldn't one of you muster up the common humanity to ask me what was wrong? What was wrong with me- what made you avoid me for so long? That was the only childhood I had. It's gone now, forever. I'm never going to get that time back.

It was supposed to be the best, easiest time of my life and you- ALL of you, made sure that every moment I was around you would treat me like fucking garbage! How can you DO that to someone?! How can you wake up every FUCKING morning and act like you're good people! FUCK you, you made me feel like I was some sort of freakish MONSTER, and then you have the fucking audacity to try and 'befriend' me in the last two years we were all together? FUCK YOU. I GREW UP WITH YOU, SHITHEAD.

BURN IN HELL FAGGOT.

I love you, dammit

>>17735339
>I hope that one day you will realize that he doesn't give a fuck about you.
You are straight up delusional.

>>17735260
>But she clearly doesn't give a shit about you.
uh huh. Just like all my other X girlfriends that pine for my dick constantly sending my texts, messages, and email.

But sure anon. You know her better than I do right? I mean, you've known her, lived with her, and listened to her bullshit for 5 years too right?

Sit in the corner like the bitch you are.

I genuinely miss you but its probably too late

Every time I spend the day with her, I feel withdrawals and extreme insecurity after the next few days. I just want to be able to see her and talk to her anytime. But I have to be patient I guess.

please just look at your fb

I know you might turn me down, but I just want you to see

I should have asked you out in person when I got the chance

>>17736283
How long has it been?

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You're the most selfish and worthless fucker to ever grace this Earth.

>Never contribute to house, no job, just eat food, get fat, waste food and start drama
>get ingredients and things for a meal I wanted to cook tomorrow and specifically fucking state I WAS GOING TO USE THEM to your face
>wake up for glass of water
>you ate and wasted most of the ingredients

Couldn't just eat a bag of potato chips, fatty? You had to eat my food.

Fuck you you friendless, soulless, fat selfish fucking bitch.

Finally after a long break from life I decided I hate myself enough that I really need to change. I have some goals I set to get myself out of this hole I dug for myself and then I'm done with my old life. Fuck this life and fuck the world. Im doing it for me now and fuck everyone else.

>>17735161
I can't really do that m8
Actually I do the opposite thing, I'm trying to quit using drugs because as I said I'm stuck in this life for a moment and I can't afford to get down, I have a lot of stressul stuff to go through, for a so long period, and I need to keep my mind right...

I hate you Mayghan

You fucking suck

You talk too much and you never leave me alone. It's clear I don't like you. Hang out with your other friends, fucker.

Same with you Matt, you thirsty SOB. I'm not thirsty like you are, and you had no right to make a bad name of me

Both of you are embarrassing as fuck to hang around and I hope you know who this is so I can finally shed you.

It's 4:15 am and I've been working on the same assignment for over 8 hours when it should've taken half an hour because I can't focus. Have like 4 assignments and an essay due Sunday but have no time to do them because I work all day.

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>>17733149
Holy shit, i just got that slap on the face i needed

I can't believe that during that thruth or dare game that other girl wanted me to do something that could directly hurt my relationship with P

The tought f having to do something like that filled me with a kind of fear i had never felt before

Now i get it, a lot of the people out there is out to get me, they really want to see me suffer and get depressed so they can feel better about themselves

They almost got me this time, but im still strong enough to keep fighting, i will become the best and surpass any enemy obstacle in my way, i will become the best for P, no one else matters it's just the two of us against this world

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>>17733885

Please apologize, without saying "I'm sorry, but....". Even just once.

I despise you. You ruined everything. I find it hard to even look at you anymore. And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out, you'd stay the hell out of my way. I am drowning, there is no sign of land. You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand. And I hope you die. I hope we both die.

I feel bad for contemplating splitting up... you're nice and all but way too distant both emotionally and physically and this almost 2 yr old LDR is taking its toll on me. I need someone to be here with me but I don't think I'll find someone as close to what I could consider a soulmate as you

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what even is this emotion i feel right now, why is it that this world is always on the sid of another guy, and when i defeat that guy, another one steps up

Why is this world always on their side? they never have to do anything, good things just come to them, while i have to fight and even suffer sometimes to be the number 1 for 1 minutes

i refuse to be the second place of anyone, i will keep fighting, now that i learned with what kind of people im dealing with i swear that when im finally on top i will make them suffer

i need a shit brb

I don't know if I should wish her a happy birthday next month.

She did it for me, but we are not together, really, we are barely even friends.

Why am I such an asshole? People do favors for me, and then I don't return the favor just because it doesn't 100% make sense.

I would like you to stop playing videogames when I'm around.
Shit, the day is gorgeous and I want to spend some time with my friend outside. I (and you) sit the whole day in front of a PC screen, do you mind if we rest from it, at least for one day per week?

>>17736976
Initials?

>>17735850
Initials?

It's not wrong to want to be included, right? To not be left behind again and again while everyone else is having a good time?

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Baby, I don't know how much longer I can take you doing me this way. I don't know if you realize it but it's killing me slowly. Whenever you say I love you, it just hurts now. I had a dream last night about us being in some terrible town, and you cheating on me again. You were blacked out drunk but I don't think that makes it okay, even though you say you dont remember and I had to make the guy tell me himself. I almost went to jail that night, and I'm on probation and they would have revoked that and then given me time for what I was going to do. I feel trapped, not only in our relationship but in my life, in this piece of shit state, and in my shit job.

I'm not pretty and my social skills are shit because of my anxiety. I just want love but I know I'm going to be alone forever.

I feel like I'm going insane, but I don't want to get help because they'll just put me on pills.
>tfw subconsiously scare away everyone that tries to be my friend
>tfw constantly think people are watching me
>tfw stressed as fuck
>tfw seriously thinking about buying libido suppressants and going full hermit
>tfw probably schizophrenic
>atleast it makes me good at trading stocks; hopefully, I can hack it on the market
>tfw you know you wont, and you'll just end up killing yourself after losing all your money

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You know what , screw everyone at that party, i am awesome and i love myself because im improving everyday, they are just trying to stop me because they know im close to durpassing them

nothing will ever make me feel insecure again, P is the only person i can really thrust and care about, now there is nothing that can distract me from becoming the best for her

oh and S seriosly that was really low,im not going to reply to your stupid message saying you are sorry if you made me uncomfortable

it didn't make me uncomfortable, it made me realize what kind of terrible person you can really be, i hope you end up drowning in the same place where A is now,

you took me for a ride but, now i know that you will never be able to be on the same level as P

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue7gZnVAcVA

Sometimes, I wake up and feel like I can do anything. I begin exercising, tidying my room up, I'm nicer to people that surround me. But this state doesn't last very long. I go to bed, and depressing thoughts overwhelm me. I start bitching at /r9k/ and /adv/ and feel like a piece of shit afterwards.
Is it normal? Given that depressing thoughts continiue to live on up to 6 months and feeling of being almost almighty and hoping for the future doesn't even last a full day, it can be a condition.

I shouldn't have closed my eyes dammit

I'm really scared.

>>17737444
Why are you scared?

Your lack of empathy is killing me.

Sigh...
I've been living in my mother's house for the past year or so (about 8 months really), and I want out now.
Thing is, she's the most violent person I know, and it's starting to get to me. Right now i just want to leave leave leave but winter is around the corner and going out to the world in this time might not be a good idea. Particularly, I came back here because I was having major economical problems in the winter. Decided to make it a time to get good at some stuff, develop a discipline, and be ready to make it next time I try.
But she is really getting on my nerve, she's an unstable bitch who keeps trying to undermine my mental stability.
Moreover, I didn't actually get much in the way of my goals at being here... I did develop to some extent but I've had my slips... maybe I'm as ready as I can be, and this is the best time to get out.
I have a bit of a plan for when I get out, but it does rely on crashing with people I don't relate to anymore..............
But she is really making her best effort to make me crazy right now, and I'm just sick of her at this point, I didn't sleep last night partly on her fault, and she keeps harassing me and it is indeed getting to me.
I am aware that there is something inside me that is allowing her to break me, and I should work on that, but ... fuck, what shall I do?

I'm holding myself back by comparing myself to others all the time instead of focusing on my goals. And I'm putting stress on my relationship because my partner is way more successful than I am and I feel like a complete failure. Plus I want to figure things out for myself, but I'm trying to start in a field where he knows a lot more than me; he's just trying to help when he's explaining things to me, I know that, but he's genuinely been a condescending asshole to both me and other people so many times before that I can't help but wonder if he just thinks I'm stupid, and he doesn't wait for me to ask for his help, he just sees me scratching my head and starts talking, even when I've asked him to let me try on my own.

I'm insecure and a late bloomer and am ruining my relationship by telling myself my SO deserves someone more ambitious. I know I need to just do me, but it's so hard to be in your late twenties with literally nothing to show for it and not feel like giving up.

>>17737367
>nigger fucks white chick
They aren't even trying to be subtle.

You really can be childish

could have just said sorry i don't feel like talking or anything instead of straight up ignoring me.. just saying

>>17737394
i am the same way, some days i get up full of energy but others i cant find energy to get out of bed. i also suffer from depression.

I have a bad temper and I get frustrated and emotional too easily, I'm a overall shitty person really so I refrain from all romantic attempts because a potential gf would have the worst period of her life with me.

Looking through the history books of my country 200 years from now, if I saw trump or Hillary as representatives of my nation years gone, I'd be ashamed to know this is where it all went down hill,one of many jokes of history but the first laugh of my adulthood.

I feel so lost, it hurts all day every day, but I don't know why

I've fucked three prostitutes in Europe and I do not feel one ounce of shame. Two of them were only 25 euros each and were very attractive. The hottest of the three was 70 euros. When I compare that to how much a date can cost in the US, I'm fucking several completely legal European whores every time I go there.

You only texted me because you were drunk. Fuck you.

Fuck me sideways, I want to talk to you. I keep opening my phone to text you, but I know that it would be absolutely stupid to do so. We haven't talked in about a year, and we always just end up ghosting each other. I really miss talking to you, but I'm also afraid that my feelings might creep back up on me. I guess I'll just keep telling myself it's a bad idea.

Im 23 and balding hard.
Dunno if i should just cut it fully and get over it, or continue charade of cuting little by little.

I am also skiny and pale, gg no re.

I did my best. I really tried.

i can remember the last time ive had a good time

>>17737976
I was sober dumbass

>>17738088
I doubt it. You haven't said anything since Tuesday. So until you do, I'll assume you woke up and you chalked it up to a drunk regret.

I feel lonely as fuck i want to go out and have a good time but everyone i know is moving on with their life, even my gf is busy and im sat on one the most important days of the year to me alone.

I contemplated going out on my own and meeting people, but its probably a bit to weird. Instead i have just drank a bottle of vodka to myself.

feeling sad.

>>17738167
you didn't respond I'm not going to press on if you obviously didn't want to talk tard

>>17738208
lol

I have the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think it's hopelessness. Hopelessness of ever being satisfied with life. Hopelessness of ever being good enough for someone. Hopelessness of ever being with someone who truly cares about me.

i shouldn't have had to put everything someone said through a bullshit filter when i was 14. in hindsight, it taught me a lot about how people work and i'm glad i got at least something out of it. truthfully though, i'd trade that any day for treatment for early onset schizophrenia

the fact that none of the doctors did anything makes me sick in hindsight. children should not be experiencing psychosis at 13. children should not be fucking catatonic at 14, and yet, that's exactly what happened. i'm so mad.
i've recovered somewhat, but not with anyone's help. had to teach myself two years worth of school so i could catch up and get into college. i can understand falling through with a few plans, but completely forgetting to educate your homeschooled child is just a new level of stupid. i'm actually slightly impressed someone can do that without getting chewed out for it

maybe i should go see a doctor again, i'm older now and i'd quite like some form of medication. then again, hallucinating music from pokemon isn't that bad i suppose

>>17737976
Your initials? F or M?

>>17738220
how could i even type that long of a message drunk off my ass ur not thinking things through

im tired

>>17737819
you too.

so you didn't get my address after all. good. I don't want to deal with any of the bullshit that evidently comes with people knowing where I live, and don't get other people to participate in your bullshit either. I have zero tolerance and patience for this. the only address you'll get is a mailbox that I seldom visit, and the one I suspect you already have because you stole my USB drive. all important functions I use that mailbox for will also be changed over to a different location.

my home and my business will not be tainted with any more bullshit from anyone. I don't need people trying to light my car on fire, I don't need people vandalizing my property, I don't need you communicating the to single most destructive, violent, annoying man ever to have been in my life so he can have me followed to satiate his paranoid delusions and violent, controlling nature. if he does find out where I live he'll find anyone he sends at the dangerous end of a 9mm. I am done with this bullshit, I am done not responding to it hoping it'll go away, I am done tolerating your actions just because you are family.

as for talking to you, I don't think that's going to be possible until there exists a modicum of respect and talking to you people doesn't result in verbal and emotional abuse, I have zero tolerance for negativity or trying to harm what I'm doing with my life.

I've been called by multiple people today that you called to try to check up on me and get information and it was obvious, and pathetic, and annoying. I got put down by my own grandmother because you've convinced her that you're great and the way you see things is right. I had to shut down negativity from my grandmother because of you. I had to be somewhat mean to my grandmother as she tried to put me down and then get guilt tripped because of you.

and you wonder why I don't want you to know where I live. you damage everything around you that you can't control. you see through a lens of judgement and bitterness.

>>17737475
You know why.

Well, I knew this was coming someday. I'm not even drunk or high. Even so.

Public bathroom floor, meet fetal position

Are you cutting again?

I don't feel like going out with you. I might ignore you when you text me. sorry

You can't expect to go your whole life not confronting anybody or being too chickenshit to do so

fuck, I could really use a conversation with you. that thought keeps coming up, that the one person I could trust right now and actually have a casual conversation with, is you. seems like my family, save my father, is full of sycophants and I've only got one friend atm that I know is a good person, don't really have the time to go find more or the patience to sift through the chaff so I don't end up with a social circle like the last one, but the history isn't there and there's a lot that I can't talk to him about.

not to make it seem like I need to unload baggage or something, or just dump a bunch of way too personal shit if you called me, but talking to someone that I know and that doesn't have some ulterior motive, or thinly veiled hate, or Machiavellian tendencies or the motive to try to get an upper hand on me would be incredibly refreshing.

just, people are so tiresome lately and you never were. regardless if things were good or bad, it was never tiresome to talk to you, it never felt that just a conversation with you was some kind of contest or that there was something at stake, as it feels talking with so many people lately.

though I can't honestly say that if we talked I wouldn't catch feels, and that wouldn't really be fair to you.

oh my small but growing kingdom for rational people to talk to who don't subsist on hate, jealousy, and destructive ambition.

>>17738441
I can always gauge my stress level by how run-on my writing becomes. damn look at those commas lmao.

>>17734091

No clue to your question but you are not alone.

>be in 3rd grade
>hang out with next girl door all the time
>kiss her once
>brother sees and tells parents and parents give me a ton of shit about it... more than any rational family ever could
>my brain overwrites past experiences and only fears girls now
>afraid to talk to them
>afraid to be next to them
>afraid to acknowledge them or look them in the eye
>kids start calling me gay
>now im just the gay loser for highschool

I was a fucking kid that didn't know shit and my parents gave me so much shit about a stupid kiss that I developed irrational fear of women. Single-handedly by my own flesh and blood my life was ruined. Never went to prom. Never developed social circle. Never gained confidence in myself. Never enjoyed college parties. Never met up with buddies after work.

Yea, at a certain point it's just my fault for existing in misery which is why I think about suicide a lot. The fear is irrational. As in, not a rational fear. I physically can't help it so I don't know what to do. Being alone in this world though kills me. If you are a guy, even a decent looking guy, nobody ever asks you out. Nobody compliments you. Nobody is really happy to talk to you. I will never wake up next to a girl happy to be there. I will never be able to make her breakfast or start a family. I will never get to take my child to soccer practice. I will never see my child grow up into an adult or get married.

At least I can rest in peace knowing my parents will never get grand-children. My older brother already decided to get a vasectomy years ago and my younger brother is even more retarded and damaged then I am. He actually got a girlfriend (1st girlfriend in late college but she dumped him when he ran out of money to spend on her so he is more mentally fucked even). It is basically killing my parents to know they will never have grand-children. They keep trying to get any of us 3 to date.

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Stop fucking causing drama. Your life is boring and shitty and that's your fault. I hate coming home from work and being unable to relax since you decided to start an argument with someone. Then as I pass by you try to drag me into it.

Fuck. I just don't understand people that do this shit.

I feel like there is no place in the world for collected people.

Everyone's always being overly emotional, making a scene or feeling like they just have to say something - what bites at people's minds that makes them have to constantly speak or do things?

A person such as myself, quiet, though not shy or timid; collected though not emotionless or brain dead seems to attract suspicion or slight resentment from the droves of never-still people in the world.

>>17738479

I feel you anon. I'm extremely level-headed and only speak when it's needed. I'm content just peacefully sitting somewhere be it in a forest or waiting room.

I don't get these overly emotional, loud, twitchy people or those constantly wearing themselves out via crazy emotions or situations. People sometimes give me shit since I never get angry or overly emotional about shit in or out of my control.

I'm a fucking faggot and I lost someone I could have been friends with by being a giant faggot and I have no way to contact them and tell them I'm a faggot so it's frustrating

If he knew I felt this shitty still he'd probably think I'm a faggot

:( forever alone

A, you´re a fucking bitch.

First you lead me on with all the flirting and bullshit about how much you want me, then - when I finally confess my feelings for you - you do a full 180.

Even if I don´t get it, that would´ve been ok if you could just admit the 180, but no, you had to come with up bullshit about how you "like" me but want to be "patient" and "wait and see".

Should´ve just had the guts to tell me I´m not what you want. A, you are now a certified piece of shit.

why can't females just say what they mean MEN CAN'T READ FUCKING MINDS USE YOUR BIG GIRL WORDS FUCK

>>17738479
this, a thousand times this. maybe not exactly the same but dramatic people constantly seek to affect my life and even when I cut them out, seek to worm their way into being able to affect it.

so damn tiresome.

How do people decide which people to talk to on /soc/? They all seem so cool and I'm so lonely.

>>17730658
I'm seeing a man and I'm in love with him but I have a fetish for going out and having sex with younger men and I always do it on an emotional level I see sex as free love. I'm torn between being faithful only to him or continuing to be promiscuous. I'm having a large internal struggle between my love for him and my lifestyle. I don't know what to do or think anymore.

>To the ex girlfriend I dislike

I won't even use the word hate because hatred weighs your soul down. You're an incorrigible human being, but I still wish you find true happiness some day. I should be mad at you for being suspicious of me all the time, for treating me like shit, and for leaving me when I needed a friend the most. But I dealt with the tough times, because tough people last, tough times don't. Now you're the one that's miserable, and I realize I deserve so much better than what you could ever be. You think you're so great, that your life is amazing and that you're a blessing to everyone you encounter, but the truth is, you're miserable and you just want company. I didn't want that. I wanted a life partner, a friend, someone to confide in. I won't feel bad for loving you as much as I did. You simply didn't deserve it. And I accept that. I won't change or become bitter, I am stronger than the negativity you throw my way. And even you, as bad as you are, don't deserve all the shit that's happened to you. I am praying for you, not by name, but when I wish the best for the world. I've been much happier since we stopped talking.

>To the ex girlfriend I miss

God, I adore you. Honestly, I'll never say it to your face, but you're the one girl I wish I never messed up with. You said it yourself, you loved me more than you loved yourself. Now you're getting along just fine in life. You're doing much better than me, although I'll get to where I need to be. Every time we talk or I see your face I just wish I was there to grab you by those cute fucking cheeks and kiss you and tell you this is happening and we are starting over again. Maybe you want to be with me and that's why you started talking to me again. Maybe you just missed our friendship. I "got over" you, and I've dated/fucked other women, but honestly...you're the one ex girlfriend I wish I had back. I'm happy that you're happy, even though sometimes you aren't. Everything happens for a reason, and if we ever get back together, I will tell you all of this and more.

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Well, i think i have finally developed an unbreakable heart, after what happened today i don't feel sad,angry or bad about myself , i don't regret anything and i feel good enough to keep working on my stuff

i guess now i only have to wait , someday something good is going to happen if i keep improving myself like im doing right now

I just want to be a cute trap and live in happiness for the rest of my life :(

>>17730658
I gave up with life.

>>17738371
Yes.

All you do is lie
all you do is hurt me
being all the way in Germany makes it so easy
but it hurts
I wish you'd be more true to yourself
instead of blaming me
it hurts

Knowing that you still miss her and have feelings for her worries me. After all we've been through...it just doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm not enough for you after all. I

>>17738743
ok, stop doing that.

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See, even with all the stuff that has happened im still improving

on that first date my weight was 66 kg on the second one it was 64 kg, and holy shit after today i weight 61 kg

i don't know if someday she will like me, but maybe this is a part of what is keeping me up after what happened today, and the good thing is i already got the disipline to continue this. so who knows? maybe i'll reach the goal i had in time for that deadline i gave to myself ,even if i don't by next year i'll probably will surpass that no matter what

so i guess one of my next year resolutions will be getting into boxing , since fighting has always been one of the things that makes me feel alive, also im totally going to do that spiderman cosplay

i really have the potential to be more than amazing someday i'll finally become the ultimate version of myself and notthing will be able to stop me

>>17738790
Nah. I'm getting a handgun in a few days.

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I want some psychedelics. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone who's selling. I'm sure there are people in my city who are selling, I just don't know them, and I have no idea how I would find them. There is one guy in my city who I think might have some connections, but the problem is that he's a stranger on the Internet. I have no idea whether or not I can trust him.

im very hurt and no one is here to comfort me i want to die

It's Saturday night. I'm in my dorm. Probably the only girl still here on a Saturday night. As always.
Why does this bother me? I see myself as an introvert; I shouldn't be missing out on anything. Am I missing out? I don't like drinking, I don't like partying. I don't need to be proud of this, but God, why am I ashamed of it?
I have friends. Several. But we don't do things together all that often. But it means the absolute world to me when they invite me places.
But when my roommate invited me to dinner, and her boyfriend said "You're so quiet in big groups." Why did that hurt me? Why am I so damn sensitive? Maybe because he's so intelligent and likable. Maybe I would feel better if I had a boyfriend. I hardly go out enough for a guy to approach me, and will sure as hell never approach a guy myself. We're supposed to meet our lifelong partners in college. I don't want to be alone, but I would prefer it over not having a true, genuine, deep connection. Will I ever find such a relationship? Do they even exist?
Almost all I do is study. I love to learn and think. Studying, my day-to-day activities, and intimate time with a friend or two are almost always enough to make me feel happy and fulfilled. I truly am a positive person. My fatal flaw is comparison– Why do I have this nagging feeling that tells me I must be just like everyone else? Yes, I'm sitting in my room, waiting for my laundry to finish, vomiting petty feelings onto a dumb website I haven't visited in ages, while people are out dancing, drinking, having sex, and whatever else makes the laundry room empty on Saturday nights. Do I want all of that? Do I want any of that? Above all, I am pensive. Always thinking. This hurts me by making me far too introspective, but it also gives my life meaning.
I suppose I will just continue on how I am. For now, I'm just going to study for a while, take a hot shower, and try to convince myself that I won't feel the same way next weekend. And every weekend thereafter.

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I stopped talking to you all because it's OK for you to fuck up, but completely unacceptable if I stumble. Your a bunch of poor fuck boys. Who leech off anyone who gave a shit about you.

>>17738858
>I will sure as hell never approach a guy myself
Why not?

>>17738858
You don't have to go out to "party" and have drunk sex, just hang out new with friends and make new ones more often.

>>17738881
I would prefer a more male-led, "traditional" relationship, which I feel would be more likely to succeed with the type of guy who would initiate things.
Anyway, I am far too intimidated by the types of guys I am interested in.

>>17734662
Oh, trust me.
I wouldent be here if I had a bloody choice.
And im wishing for that too.

>>17738858
I would like to take you out for coffee.

>>17738846
What happened?

>>17738898
This is probably something I should do. I just need to find new places to meet and hang out with people. Thanks.
>>17738918
I like coffee.

>>17738950
Then, perhaps, I can take you out for coffee?

On the off chance you are somewhere on the East Coast of the US.

>>17738967
Thank you for the offer, but I'm on the other side of the continent.
But if you want to have a conversation here just because, I'd like one.

I should have kept my mouth shut and let my emotions bottle up as usual. I'm a worthless sack of greedy shit.

>>17738976
My luck, or lack thereof, is an impressive thing.

How are you feeling, in regards to your initial post? When it comes down to it, nothing that anyone says here will matter.

As such, do you feel like you are missing out, by not following through with the typical college experience?

>>17738920
bf cheating, jealous of everyone. want to become neet, shutin no friends, given up on the human species and i want to die.

If no one wants to be with or deal with insecure and depressed people, and someone is insecure and depressed specifically because no one wants to be or deal with them, aren't they factually correct in assuming they're fucked forever?

>>17739018
>How are you feeling, in regards to your initial post?
Okay-ish. It felt oddly good to just type everything that came to my mind. Still, this feeling of being an outcast lingers. I'm trying to not let it bother me.
>When it comes down to it, nothing that anyone says here will matter.
I know, I love it.
>do you feel like you are missing out, by not following through with the typical college experience?
That may be a part of it. I feel like I should try to go to big party some time, just once, though I am quite sure it wouldn't appeal to me. Fortunately, I'm only a freshman, so I have plenty of time.

How are you feeling tonight, stranger?

I feel like such a retard. How do you socialize with people? I don't know what to do. What do people talk about? How do people even manage to talk to each other? Everything feels so foreign. I'm just a huge waste of space. I'm sorry.

>>17730658
w oAH peanus

>Been with girl 4-5 months, thought everything was going well
>Subtly gets me to take my stuff from her house (a dvd and a pair of pants)
>Two weeks later (this week) quietly takes all her stuff out of my house - just some items of clothing that were was at the corner of my wardrobe
>Carries on for a few days like nothing is wrong
>She suggests plans to go on trip on the weekend
>We go for drinks on Friday night
>She has a rough day and vents for a good hour, I joke with her, flirty, talking about christmas.
>As we leave to go back to mine she says we need to talk
>Dumps me

Now I have no idea what was real. The last months had been the best thing to happen to me in like 10 years and we'd been as intimate as ever in the last couple of weeks - and she was planning on leaving me the entire time.

>>17738858
i'm the exact same way. wishing you well.

>>17738858
Anon, im pretty much like you. Want to be alone together? Do you have a kik? I wish i could invite you to a movie or something ^-^

You only care about playing games with my friend more once you knew what she looked like. Stop being a beta creep about it and just ask her out.

Tell me if you like me. Right now. Stop being a pussy! Do it!!!

>>17739207
Initials?

>tfw applying for grad school and panicking because I don't know what I'm doing
>gf is dealing with depression, so I can't burden her
>I probably have some seasonally affected depression coming on again
>can go months without seeing friends these days, although it's clear that they hang out without me at times
>office life has become static, and I hate that I no longer seem to impress my bosses
>depressed gf is also too busy to spend time with me
>nothing is happening in my C-tier city to distract me from the above

>>17738760
Story anon?

Why did you have to kiss me? Why do you not text me? Was I just a game?

This city is killing me and I've stayed awake later than I should more nights than I can count this year. All I want is to get as far away from here as I can, but how can I? I'm a fuck up who never finished school and I can't even take care of myself.

But God knows I can't stay here. I'd give anything to leave the country and get a clean bill of health. I'd do anything if i could just forget you and those pretty things you said to me.

Get back together with your Australian ex-girlfriend so you and she can both shut the fuck up, Jose

>>17739424
Salt

>>17739040
No of course not, well it depends really. But people get themselves into this situation all the time and usually they eventually get themselves out.
It's typically the problem people with intense social anxiety get themselves into. First you honestly need to realize that your identity and place within any given social circle is a dynamic entity. Life isn't a cartoon, there's no one label you can slap on someone and that's that. Someone who's a bit shy or awkward is never that shy and awkward person forever. I cannot emphasize this enough. Unless you've stalked someone and boiled their pets alive their perspective of you will change when you change.
So you need to TRY, if you can't afford or procure a counselor do some reading about CBT. Finally keep hope. I was a complete loner from 15-30 before my life did a complete turn around.

Poke me right fucking now

i hate my fandom

>too 'eccentric' for normal girls
>too 'boring' for the eccentric, different girls

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I don't know wether to write to her or not. We both study at the same university, although different campuses. It was my first time although we both were way too drunk for either of us to climax. I don't have her number and we don't have any mutual friends on Facebook. It feels CHADish to not write but creepy to contact via FB.

>>17739931
Just fucking do it.

>>17739242
It doesn't matter. Just do it.

>never had a girlfriend
>cant stop thinking about sex
>realize sex isn't the problem
>its the loneliness
>porn just looks like a cartoon to me
>not real. not something i will ever experience

i. am. broken. human.

>>17730658
There's nothing that happened then. You didn't even got remeinded of her. You just reminded of a name you called her.

You relapsed today. Fine. Don't try to do it anywhere soon near. Make it as long as possible. You can do it brother. You can.

Just focus on ther goood.

When thinking focus on good rather than of perv things. Youc an succeed.

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Girl that I met on Tinder and who came over once to my place to fuck hasn't responded since yesterday when I asked her to come over again.
Fucks sake, I wanted to get my hole next week, she was good too.

I'm a virgin who keeps getting rejected by girls, also I'm gay or bi not sure sure yet, tried to hook up once guy stood me up, next weekend tried to call prostitute to try fucking a girl, she stood me up as well.

I might as well just commit sudoku at this point, even if I found a cute girl I'd have a crippling fear of losing her.

I'm so hopeless. I want to write to you and get to know more of each other, but I don't know if it's a good idea. It seems so awkward and desperate and maybe even invasive since you know how I feel about you and you already have a bf but I can't stop thinking about you and my feelings for you is still as strong as it was back then.

All I want to do is talk to you and tell you how much I love you & how much I miss you. I don't know if i'm more mad at myself for being an insecure child or at you for putting doubt in my head. Why can't I be enough for you?

>>17730658
I'm excited as fuck to be getting closer and closer to my weight loss goals in time for winter

i'll look retarded as hell, but i'll be the most comfy person on the west coast

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>>17740221

I want to kill myself and the only thing holding me back are the 3 people I would consider to be close friends. I don't want to lose them if I fail or succeed, if that makes sense.

>>17739988
Of course it matters.

>thinking of dropping my job in my countrys capital city and move back to the small town I'm from, get a nice apartment and start grinding away at my old shitty supermarket job again for a few months then go travelling for a year or two before hitting uni

Am I being an idiot here? 23 btw, this shit is major mindfuck. Im getting old too fast

>>17740325
It's a decent plan, but you get it all backwards

I'm completely obsessed with the most oblivious guy in the world. I keep getting pulled back in.

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How does this keep happening?

For a while, I thought my idea of the world was wrong.
That it couldn't possibly be as wretched as I imagined.

But then you told me all that.
I'm losing hope.
I know you don't mean to bring me down,
and it seems stupid to care so much for something that happened to someone half a world away, and I've only known for a few months.

But it breaks my heart knowing what the world did to you.
All I want is to take you far away from all your pain.
Build a world for you where you could forget your past; start fresh.
Protect you from any more hurt.

I can't wrap my head around it.
How could you ever trust anyone after all that?


You were raped by your goddamn brothers.
Your mother tells you every day she wished you dead.
That her misery is your fault.
Twice you tried to kill yourself over a man who never tried to love you.

I should be feeling good about you leaving it all behind.
I should feel some shred of relief that you made it out alive.

But I don't.
I feel cheated by all the people who told me life was a miracle.
That it was enchanting.
That it was good.

I had to go for a drive tonight.
All the things you told me just echoed through my head: The abuse, the grief, the torment
I felt like fucking killing myself.
I looked down from the bridge and figured there would be no greater joy to me than leaving this place to fester in its own filth.

I'm torn in half by you.
You are the most precious person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting,
and I curse the world for treating you the way it did.

I made up my mind.
Fuck this place.
And since most who live are complete fucking savages; everyone in it, too.

>>17740068
Initials?

I get it!!! Nothing is ever your business and problem!!! I get it 100%!!! It's not like you don't have to care about it or anything in the end, it's not that I wish you just actually cared about a bit more instead of hiding behind that excuse!!!!

>>17740392
Is he at least hot?

Is this what it feels like to be unintentionally used by someone? To be told how much you mean to them, how important you are to them, how much they value you? And yet my deeds count for nothing, less than nothing, less than what those who have hurt them do in a singular act of kindness. I didn't understand it before, but now I do, I see it clearly, and I can see how naive I was. I'll still do everything I promised I would do for you, I wouldn't dare go against my word, but just be happy knowing that you've helped break someone. All the promises, the assurances, the things you said you'd do but you don't, everything that you said you'd do for me, all of them are lies. I see that now, but it's fine even though I know you can't. Maybe there was a touch of sympathy or affection there, and maybe there is, but you can't see how twisted it is. Just know that I do see it, because you probably never will.

All I can hope for is to be loved by someone legitimately. No walls, no barriers, no fiats, no one else to interfere, just to be loved unconditionally and fully. I'll keep my dreams, aspirations, and desires to myself, the same ones that others who have hurt me have inspired. And maybe, just maybe one day I'll find someone who I can make as happy as they make me. Until then though, I'll just continue to be a wandering soul like I've always been.

Fuck this upcoming week. The following week can't come soon enough

>>17740507
Not conventionally. He's just a cute nerd to me.

She wants me to call her. After her dodging my last 6 calls over the last 3 weeks I finally had enough and told her I get the hint and I'm moving on. Then she wants me to call her now. I honestly don't feel like talking to her now but I don't want to miss the chance to talk to her

Fuck,
Back on this bloody board after more than a week off.

Quite frankly, I dont know what to do... Every piece of me is now gone and im fucking tired of all of this mind-game bullshit.
At this point I believe that there is no more hope, no more of anything worthwhile I have to look forward to.
Yet, my body dosent seem to die.

I know all of you are reading everything I write, either it be on this supposedly anonymous board or in my journals.

I should have been born a meeseeks because set me to a task and I do it while every other piece of existence is only pain in every degree imaginable. However, if that is how I am isnt that what I am?

Just letting you all know, I have finally given up for the final time.
Dont be bothered with me anymore, alright?
There is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can say or do to change that.
Move on and live life.
I will be content with my memories.

>>17740580
walk away bro. don't look back

>>17739749
pewdiepie?

>>17740594

Yah I am definitely now. I foolishly called her and went to voicemail. Fuck the cunt I'm done with her

>>17740627
Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

You don't want to be played like an instrument? Stand up for yourself and stop letting people control you like that.

>>17740655

Yep pretty much. I was blinded cause she's the first girl I've actually really cared for, and she helped me a lot pull me out of my depression. But i see now it's time to move on and chalk it up to a fun time and learning experience.

>>17730658
Why did you give me a place holder ring but not tell me? I became so emotionally invested in it, I didn't care it wasn't a real diamond. Who wants blood diamonds anyway?! There were so many times you could have told me it was a place holder. I wouldn't have panicked when I lost it, I wouldn't have worried when it got scratched. And then you just pop up with another one in the middle of a crowd like its a normal thing to do?! Because 'I wasn't expecting it'?! Have you any idea how embarrassing it is when people ask me what happened to the old ring? How much it upsets me even now, months later, that you could so casually keep such a prominent thing secret from me? Going to the jeweller and getting it resized was the most ass clenchingly awkward moment of my life. Every time she said how 'expensive' and 'high quality' the dam thing was I wanted to just tell her to shut up, that I didn't care, that it's not something I stand for. it's not even her fault you've acted like a jack ass! And I can't even tell you about it because you'll get upset. Accept you fucked up, so I can get over this and stop crying in the shower over jewlery like a fucking idiot.

I have a few pieces and études I have to perform for my teacher tomorrow and a duo to reharse but I spent most of my weekend watching porn and masturbating instead.

So, I was black out drunk, and I got a tattoo of my "crush's" name on my upper arm.

>>17738779
You're my fall back, I'm sorry

>>17740530
This 100%...
Hang in there anon you're not alone

>>17740585
maybe stop lying all the fucking time and people can help you

>>17740530
>I wouldn't dare go against my word,
DAT PSYCHOSIS

>>17739681
you're fucking disgusting

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>>17740747
What a revolting personality you have

>>17741000
You hang in there too anon, you know how hard it is just as I do. There's no merit in dragging yourself down over this sort of thing, it feels even worse than biting the bullet and dealing with it. Try to branch out elsewhere and meet someone else, it might not work immediately, but it'll help get your mind off of this person. If it was the second part of what I said that you were referring to you, the same thing somewhat applies, it'll be a tough journey out there but with enough work you'll find someone meant for you.


>>17741193
Figure of speech, I meant it more in a sense of "you said I'd give up/abandon you, but I'm going to prove you wrong". I'm trying to distance myself after all, instead of blindly sticking to this person

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>>17730658
Gonna tell the therapist tomorrow about all those Fluffy Pony stories I read in highschool. I did not get sexually stimulated by them, did not want to actually hurt living animals or people myself, but damn did I enjoy those threads. And then after I stopped taking paxil I immediately abhorred them and tried to repress memories of them for years. Now I'm finally gonna tell him, and see what the doc thinks of it. I don't know why I loved reading those stories, but they were damn good. Put me off fanfics almsot forever though

Gonna tell the therapist about how shitting in the basement and being obsessed with hardened glue.

This is not fake, I'm legit partial autismo

>>17741358
Now that's fucked up.

I've muted our conversation, turned off chat for her, and archived their messages. I've wanted to cut contact for a while but things never felt complete but tonight we talked like we used to and ended with a goodnight with some kisses so it was like old times. Sort of like taking your dog for one last walk on your favourite path with their favourite toys.

I feel as if things finally feel finished and I can move on.

I also had the last laugh this time so that's comforting.

>>17730658
I can't do this anymore, she's the most amazing person I've ever come across but she just never reciprocated, I mean.. I suppose ended up being her friend somehow and she's with somebody else but fuck.. it's hurting like hell again, I've never been seen by her in the same way I see her.. 5 fucking years.. people have got less for some pretty serious crimes. Why does this shit have to happen, it's like I'm hardwired to both never get over her and never be able to pull off any meaningful gesture that might make me seem even a little more interesting or even show who I actually am rather than just be all frozen up and awkward, cause the truth is, I'm weird.. and boring... and just shite in general and no matter who may come along instead of her.. it just won't be her..

Unrelated, I for one am scared shitless of all of this posturing by America, China and Russia as of late. I don't like knowing that all of that is going on and that it could all go to shit all of a sudden. I guess I've always been scared of this sort of situation in one form or another..

Also unrelated. My concentration/organisation as usual is pretty fucking terrible, I can barely finish an assignment on time let alone study. It's got so bad that I can barely organize myself to go out and have fun or commit myself to a TV show or read or fucking anything. Even playing vidya requires me to use cheat codes for fuck sake.

There's other shit but that'll do for now.

Imagine if I could simultaneously solve all this shit and live happier. Anyone any experience with that?

>>17730688
Wow, you sound like a fucking tool.

>>17730688
Sad beta creep!

>>17741413
Ain't it just?

I don't know why I did it.

Why do I keep jacking off? What do I get from this?

My life's so shitty. I'm trying to get out from my current situation but I just can't seem to make traction. I want to get out of living under my over protective mother but I can't hold a job long enough due to really bad depression. Also my finances are fucked from debt.

I'm tempted to finally do ect therapy like my doctor and therapist have wanted for a while. I was resistant cause I thought I could pull myself together but it's starting to look like a better option everyday. I don't care if it fucks up my mind anymore. I hate my life and it might help. And if not I'll have tried everything and I'll finally be able justify killing myself.

I want to talk to you all of time but you dont seem to share the sentiment. You could be busy but I get the feeling.. ah fuck it, why do I even care?

Wanted to hold your hand so much today.

My feelings for this girl make me stoop lower and lower every day. I'm pathetic.
I've spent the last hour stalking her guy friends profiles, and seeing just how many pics he's liked. He seems to also just like pics of her in them, based on her best friend's profile.

It's an interesting discovery, but I'm feeling I'll to my stomach realizing how sad this is. This can't go on.

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you get so offended at the obscene questions I ask you but I wouldn't have to ask them if you weren't such a liar. You lie so much and keep so many secrets that it would be ridiculous to trust you. You say "We have no trust in our relationship"... as if this is a shared issue.

I have never lied to you or kept any secrets. If TRUST is your concern between us then it's 100% purely on you to make it better. Stop lying, stop twisting shit, stop keeping secrets, stop talking behind my back, and stop blaming others for your misdeeds.

If not, you will look back at your past and regret that you are not the woman that I paint among stars, raised my children, and lived with my honest, loyal, and passionate romantic love.

You are leaning on the wall.

I love you, I truly do. I do think you are a good person but you are straddling the line tiny baby.

Trust in the words I give you. I have only ever had your best interest in mind. If I believe I have to leave you in order for you to truly know how far you have fallen and need help... then I will. I wanted to be the one to love, share, trust, and grow with throughout my life but you actively work against my while begging me to never let you go.

The terrible people you've surrounded yourself with, your "friends". are influencing you in the worst possible ways. Look at the type of people they are, look at their actions, how they have treated you in the last few months. Do they truly share your same world views?

Or do you just love the fact they tell you exactly what you want to hear rather than actually provide real help and support. They ENABLE your bad behavior and you're spiraling. Watch that video again, the one you sent me with the woman and the markers. That is where you are heading.