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I've been seeing a girl in what I thought was an agreed-on open relationship. Long story short, turns out there was a big misunderstanding and she thought it was not open. She is now asking me to choose what we do. I have to choose between it going open with some changes, or it becoming serious.
> Pros:
- She has a very good personality. She's very caring, always having nice thoughtful little gifts, making plans so we do more stuff together and evolve as a couple. She likes to travel and actually does it, and would like to do it with me. I can really see her as making a good and reliable long-term partner.
- She likes a lot of the stuff I do, so we have a lot to share when we're together, which is really important for me.
- She's very clever. Both in pure intelligence, and in the way she handled the relationship troubles when they came up. There was no burst of emotion, just a calm discussion so we could get things clear.
> Cons:
- If we go open she'd go back to see a lot of guys and would cut everything she sees as "couple" stuff. So seeing each other less often, no more plans to go out, no waiting each other to watch series, ... so that'd just kill any hope of it becoming serious.
- She is overweight at the moment and it really ruins it physically for me, because otherwise she'd be pretty attractive. As a result I didn't have this "crush" feeling I've had in the past and it worries me. She's doing regular sports and diet to lose it, but I have no idea if she'll see it through.
- I have a girl I've been seeing in another open relationship for a year, which will never become something serious but is a very good source of fun and stability for me which I'd have to cut. That'd leave me pretty vulnerable if things go south.
- Very troubled past to say the least, so mental health is not that good. She seems to have it fully under control and is pretty fun to be with, but I'm not sure how it'd be in the long run.
What should I choose /adv/ ?
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>Very troubled past
yours or her?
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>>17719130
Open relationships promote jealousy and distrust.
Do yourself a favor and dont throw away what sounds like a decent relationship.
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>>17719553
>promote jealousy and distrust
weak
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>>17719505
Hers. In short, she's been repeatedly beaten in both childhood and past relationships.
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>>17719561
Fine, see what happens.
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Is your name Stuart?
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>>17719565
Thanks
>>17719563
>>17719130
Would you feel recentful in the relationship, if you agreed to exclusivity? Or is it just fear of being vulnerable?
The latter will certainly get cushined by actually having a TLCing girlfriend. The former must be met before you decide. You can't recent her for being chubby. You can't recent her for preventing you to wet your dick elsewhere.
If you are poly at heart, you need to discuss this with her more, and suggest rules. There's a difference between choosing to stay over at another woman's flat instead of your girlfriend's, and to be allowed to fuck random girls whenever you're both unavailable. If you agree to avoid both of these against your core interests, you might soon find yourself in a relationship where you feel like trapped and stepped on.
> the way she handled the relationship troubles when they came up
She does sound like a keeper though
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>>17719553
I agree, but I use them as a first step. Being exclusive is a big thing, I can't do that with anyone.
>>17719573
No
>>17719593
>If you are poly at heart
I'm not. I long for something stable. Which is why becoming exclusive all of a sudden goes against that interest in the short term, even if it *might* be better in the long term. I feel like I barely know her. I have no idea if I'm going to fall in love with her eventually, and even less the other way around. I feel like it's a big risk to take, on one hand I'll be left alone if it fails, and on the other hand it might prevent me from meeting someone I'd instantly know I can click with. I thought I had way more time while we were in an open relationship until I had to decide.
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>>17719678
Dont open the ralationship
Actually try to be exclusive.
>I long for something stable
An open relationship won't net you a stable relationship.
Your a pussy afraid of commitment. Try it, you might like it. If not, break up. But this whole open relationship shit is bad news for everyone involved.
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>>17719678
You are exactly like me dude.
I've been dating this wonderful woman for the past six weeks. If she wanted to go exclusive after that short amount of time, I would have to let her know that she rocks my world, but that it's too soon to make such a commitment, and if she's not interested in dating me unless I'm monogamous with her, then she shouldn't date me. Feel sad for a bit, and then next her.
I am however not convinced the option of making her see your point of view, and adhere to that, is out of the question
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>>17719690
>An open relationship won't net you a stable relationship.
It certainly won't. But if I go open, I just go back to the way things were before her (even slightly better since we'd keep seeing each other). If I don't and it fails, I'd lose a lot.
>>17719746
>I am however not convinced the option of making her see your point of view, and adhere to that, is out of the question
I'll take your advice right now and try again. She came back to me again today to ask me if I wanted us to talk less online, because she doesn't understand what I want. I guess trying again to make her see my point of view can't hurt.
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>>17719791
>I lose a lot
No not really
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>>17719904
I do lose the other relationship I've been having for nearly a year. I'm prepared to lose it at some point, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk in this case.
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>>17719791
>ask me if I wanted us to talk less online
This is nonsensical. Talking less online isn't something one agrees to, it's something that happens when one or both parties respond less.
You'd be surprised at how much people are willing to give, in order to keep what they like.
>unless she's in a romantic hook on you
Then it's just hurtful
Remember to talk WITH her, not to her.
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