Alright.. got a problem need some advice. relationship+life help

>>17697178

>this is a girl i almost fought some asshole over and the last time this sorta thing happened i was like just tell me if anything is up, you dont have to lie to me.
>I also have a lot of love for her, i dont know if she's fucked in the head, but overall, her vibe is cool and we have fun together and her work is brilliant. so overall has it together.


tl;dr : Girlfriend is thinking about junkie ex who i have had beef with and texted to find out about how he is doing. its eating at me...is this fucked for the long run or should i let it slip?

Maybe gently bring it up with her if it's really eating at you.

Otherwise I would just be confident and not dwell on it. She's with you and not that guy for a reason. Part of her probably still misses and cares about him, but I don't think that will permanently damage your relationship unless she takes more serious steps to act on it.

>>17697198
ah, it pisses me off that he was so bad to her and I thought i was protecting her and then she turns around and does this..and i asked her to be up front about it but she lied.

I get the part about her missing himor caring for him since they've been together for so long but even when I gently ask her about that she denies it..
its the damn lies man, or not being straight up about it.

if the dude shows up at my doorstep tomorrow, i wouldnt confront him now because I know he came down because of her text...if i didnt I would have fought him like a fool..its so stupid..the dude leeched nearly $35000 off this girl in the 5 years they were together..most ofo it for drugs and sold her belongings on a number of occasions and for the last one year before we got together he was cheating on her...one whole year!!! its ridiculous

bump...any more advice, anons?

I don't feel like being close with her now

like i need time to be ok with this shit if it is the only thing left to do

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>>17697346
She's in a safe place now, with you. She can contact him and be involved in his life and with his family as superficially or as deeply as she wants because she knows you'll be there for her in the end. It lets her carry on her relationship with him without having to emotionally commit to being his girlfriend again. You can accept that a girl needs to satisfy herself this way, can't you, anon? A real man would trust his girlfriend. You're a real man, aren't you? Anon?

>>17697364
ok, I can deal with it.

But if the dude flies off the handle and abuses/steals or starts leeching again, what do i do?

should I just let her get pushed around because she asked for it by starting a relationship w him again?

or should I protect her and say i told you so?

>>17697396
Give her all the support she needs. Make sure you pay for all your dates, she needs to save her money to give to him.

>>17697403
>>17697364

are you the same guy?

>>17697364
also, what do you mean by "a girl needs to satisfy herself this way"?

>>17697430
Emotionally. It's abusive of you to think you can satisfy all her emotional needs. You have to let her get her emotional needs met by the junkie fuck she left you for.

Yes, I'm the same guy. Just #trolling you.

Tell her that it's time for her to make a choice. She's got to let this guy go if you're going to be able to move forward in your relationship. She's got to stop getting sucked into his vortex. That's how she gets to stay with you. Otherwise, you've got to end this relationship because it has no future.

>>17697464
man..never thought i'd say this but i'm a lil scared...
plus, a relationship built on an ultimatum does not sound very promising..and forcing someone to choose is as good as letting them go

i'm sad now, anon..the thing is i already asked her to cut it off, and told her if we were to have a healthy relationship, she has to let go of her old bullshit..everyone has baggage, but nobody keeps opening the damn bags

>>17697178
I might be a kissless virgin at 22 yo but I will still give you my fucking advice - that may be tainted by my abandonment issues and abusive side.

You fucking leave her because clearly at this point it has hurt your trust in her to the point where it will likely never recover (even if she would cut contact with him entirely - which she won't).

You will save yourself a lot of trouble and a lot of harm this way.

>come to the US and meet 8.5/10 grill at college

You lucky piece of shit.

>>17697483
I appreciate the advice, anon..
it's hard to think of breaking it up because she is literally everything I've ever looked for in a partner..looks + personality

but i think somewhere deep down all her shitty past relationships have damaged her somehow...she acknowledged this the first time this happened and i confronted her...but she said she is not going to feed the habit...and then here we are again...

i was thinking of just acting cool about it and wait and see if the situation escalates...like if she goes and meets up with him in the next month to see if he is ok or takes her dog to meet him or some thing like that i think i'm going to end it...but i have a feeling i should wait and watch where her loyalty lies and if she is mentally fucked or not

>>17697508
>because she is literally everything I've ever looked for in a partner

Did you look for a girl that still can not let go of her ex that would probably make a move on her the second he got the chance? People are say to view their partners as perfect - even when theres this huge elephant in the room that goes to show that they are not.

>but i think somewhere deep down all her shitty past relationships have damaged her somehow

There is absolutely no denying this - and it is sad for her too, however

>but she said she is not going to feed the habit...and then here we are again...

I'm sure you see the problem yourself. The only way to work this out is by exercising force over her. Force her to break it up and be super controlling to ensure she stays away from him - which is NOT reasonable to do.

>i was thinking of just acting cool about it and wait and see if the situation escalates

Why do that to yourself? Why making up plans for when things escalate? This just goes to show that you are well aware of the situation and where it - more than likely - is heading.

You could spare the both of you a lot of trouble.

Also if you leave her after she makes a major mistake herself you might even damage her further because then she will all blame it on herself. If you break up now it would be easier for her to "get over it" (which is good considering all the emotional baggage she has)

>>17697521
there's so much riding on this anon..i think i made the mistake of going too deep in with her too fast...told i her i loved her too fast (which i do), started living together too fast, became wayyyy too close too fast we almost live like we are married without children...i know her dad really well and she knows my senpai...we both have mutual friends cuz we go to the same school for the same master's program...

shit is going to be soooo fucking awkward

and I also want to wait and watch because people make mistakes, i know that i do every once in a while...what if i act too harshly and love will never find me again? it took me 27 years to find someone so effortlessly compatible to me...im sure i can find someone else who is loyal with ease, but would i really be happy? except for this bullshit every thing with us is top notch...and its even more pissing off that she did this just days after our one year anniversary...makes me wonder how often and deeply she thinks of him

not to mention this asshole abused both of us and called me out to fight...like does she respect me at all?

or is it some fucking martyr/buddha/jesus complex where she needs everything to be full circle

>>17697535
>so effortlessly compatible to me

You are still saying this after posting about how fucked up everything is?

>>17697546
i swear i have never met anyone like her ever before...guys or girls..we have been best friends since the second we met, i doubt i will meet anyone like that again...except for this bullshit, i never put up with bullshit people before like she did

that;s why this hurts even more

like i feel betrayed...i dont know if im making a bigger deal about this than it is or whether what i am feeling is an appropriate reaction...

and this fucking dog is in the house hovering around me and i dont like him anymore

>>17697483
>You fucking leave her because clearly at this point it has hurt your trust in her to the point where it will likely never recover (even if she would cut contact with him entirely - which she won't).

This guy has the right idea for a kissless virgin. You tell her you want her out at the end of the month and she can move back in with her parents or aunt or whatever.

He was already using if he pocketed 35k off her over 5 years and she knew it. What does that make you? Do you believe he just 'started using again' or were you part of her exit strategy. Maybe she convinced you to play the roll of exit strategy and is using you.

I wouldn't believe that 35k shit anyway. Maybe he sold a TV or a bit of jewellery of hers she should have dropped him then and there but she didn't. She maybe rented a flat and he never paid a cent and she just tells you that he owes her half of what she voluntarily gave him 'in kind' over 5 years. That's more likely. Truth is she might be broke and just halfed her salary/loans over 5 year and said that's what I gave him.

She's not effortlessly compatible to you. If she was she wouldn't have the baggage she does... which is a junkie and a dog.

You are giving me reasons to remember why I live alone. How long have you known her anyway?

i can't do it guys

: (

this relationship minus the drama and odd lies is all ive ever wanted

fuck