My dad killed my mom before committing suicide when I was eight.

I'm not sure if I can help, I recommend a therapist or a psychologist. Here's a bump.

Other than jerking your nose and cock to porn, what else do you do with your time?

>>17680693

Definitely try a therapist or counselor. They can be a huge help. I owe my life to them.

Try MDMA by yourself or take some and see a therapist

>>17680693
I wish I had some ground-breaking advice for you man but I don't. I can tell you this though. Killing yourself won't solve anything other than putting your grandmother through some shit. Life will get better, keep trying, some day down the road you'll thank me man. Might not be this year, might not be next year, hell might be ten years from now. There will be a moment in your future where you will just stand still and think to yourself this is great I'm glad I stuck it out and got to experience all this.

I'm not gonna lie that fucking sucks more balls than I ever want to know. In the game of life you basically accidentally accessed the nightmare mode on level one first pkay through.

But if you can take hold of your life and dirge good out of all that darkness, then you will have balls than anyone will ever know. Your task is like defying some fucked up deities of fate and then punching them in the cock. You have a chance to learn more about climbing out of darkness than 99% of people. The world could use that.

Dont you love the honesty that comes with 4chan...as for you my friend, its all about your choices. Unless you have some sort of disorder...the you may need to muster up the courage to tell someone. As for the porn...try going a few days without it...same goes for jackin it. Not only will you build up testosterone which will subsequently build up a bit more self esteem and help you maybe think of a diet or workout routine...but also...busting a nut is waaay beter than normally doing it everyday...or i dunno...your jist a troll which might be for the best in your case. But if not take my advice?...maybe

>>17680704
>>17680718
I've seen a psychologist and two therapists, but they always become too casual. They never work on anything with me. My doctor says I back off when I get challenged. I don't see that in myself, though. Pretty much gave up on therapy. I guess I should try another one.

>>17680712
I've loved video games since I was 4. My ADHD makes it hard to do anything else, even medicated. I can barely make it through a TV show.

>>17680720
I do DXM and work on my problems during the high. It's helped a bit, but the effect seems to wear off after a few weeks. I'm not doing any other drugs. Not with all the prescription medication I'm taking.

>>17680726
I won't kill myself till my grandma dies. After that, I got nobody to impress.

>>17680735
Every word that comes out of my mouth makes me feel like shit. I feel so bad about who I am. I dream about being infallible and perfect. I've got this vision of my perfect self in my head. I try to do some good, but my self-loathing makes me want to avoid everything. I have this underling pain that won't go away. I obsess about the way I talk and act constantly. I keep trying to be "better," but I can't get there. I always fall apart by the end of the day.

>>17680741
I've been diagnosed with the following:

Major Depressive Disorder
Dysthymia
Borderline Personality Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder
PTSD
ADHD

I don't feel the PTSD much, but every October is difficult. The murder suicide happened on October 28, 1998. Or 1999. I can never remember.

>>17680765
Also, I'm on a ton of prescription meds just to function. I can barely get out of bed unmedicated. That's why I did drugs as a teenager.

Hey at least you are aware of your demons. Sounds like you are really fucked up. You need to find something to stay alive for besides your grandma. Try Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It works. Google it and find a place where they teach it.

>>17680744
Lol I feel the need to be playing video games while I TV otherwise I get all twitchy. Right now I'm into Terraria which is like a more complex 2D minecraft. It's a greaaaaat timewaster.

Backing off when challenged hm? Maybe instead of relying on therapists to ask you the important questions you should be asking these questions *yourself*. The answers will likely be painful but, pain comes and goes.

There's probably something in there that's telling you "if I answer these questions I'll have to completely change my life", but it doesn't work that way... you get a resolve then you can feel bad about it, cry, masturbate, comfort eat... But don't stop there. Next month, tackle another hard question. You *can* sort out this mess in your head, but it's going to take time. Some of it will be with you forever. But that's okay.

What area of the world do you live in? Not trying to find you just trying to help you find help near you.

>>17680744
try another therapist and this time TELL THEM whenever you feel like the therapy is not helping you. they're not machines, they can switch up treatment modes to something that you feel helps you more. if not, ask them to refer you to someone who can.

if they say "no, sorry, I'm doing all I can, I need you to cooperate with the therapy more if it's gonna work" then either do that, or get a second opinion. if 2 therapists say that, then you should really listen. I say that because sometimes it's possible to be too picky and uncooperative and not realise you're doing it. other times the therapist could just be a prick. but at least give it another try or two.

>>17680720
not OP but I'd love to combine MDMA with therapy sometime, I have a terrible time trusting other people's advice, even therapists. sucks because I don't trust myself either.

>>17680772
I did one DBT course in a secure treatment unit (jail for crazies). I did a short intro course two or three times as well.

You're gonna laugh.

I waited three years to get into the only intensive, year long course in my city. You meet with a therapist every week. Group therapy, etc. etc.

My name came up on the wait list, and then I went to the pre-meeting or whatever the fuck. Then I got a call saying she saw in my files that I have Antisocial Personality Disorder.

[ DENIED ]

>>17680777
Yeah, I was off drugs for the last five years. Did weed a few times, but that's it. Just started doing DXM again (my drug of choice).

It's like entering debug mode on a computer. I really figure shit out when I'm high on that stuff. I just talk to myself and ask the tough questions. Really dissect my thinking patterns.

I'm just waiting to have the house to myself again. I don't get high around my grandma.

Have you ever had the opportunity to do ayahuasca? There is a place where they do it in the US/ I has been known to help people brake out of self destructive habits. It makes you vomit and shit but it helped me. Look it up

>>17680782
I'm in Canada. Thunder Bay, Ontario. I know most of the therapy places in my city. I'll find a new therapist, like >>17680783 said. I'll call tomorrow.

Might also call my psych and tell him I'll do whatever he thinks I should do. I didn't want to do the DBT sheets he recommended. Just seems pointless. I'm too anal. I wanted the sheets to be perfect. I'm fucking stupid, lol.

Listen to yourself. You are getting in your own way. a lot of that stuff seems lame but it does work. But you have to do it for it to work.

Having a parent murder another parent and then commit suicide is Horrible for your self concept. He basically told you that your mother wasn't worthy to be alive, and he wasn't either so you shouldn't be either. Don't let him win. Life can be really good. but you need to dig yourself out. DBT can help.Try not to be alone very much. try to replace self harm with self care. I know it is totally scary but what you have been doing isn't working!

>>17680693
Listen therapy isn't for everyone and some people are so fucked up they never manage to get their shit together
I offer an alternative instead of doing the usual life route with an enormous handicap find an alternative he it art, sports, wathever and accept that there are going to be bad times and good times and you are going to have little to no control over it
Be honest do you really want to play catch up to everyone forever?
Do you want to struggle to get what comes easy for everyone else?
You have little but what you can have is what nobody else has : balls and why not? You have very little to loose, let the people with wives and daughters worry and stay behind you choose different than them you strive for better

>>17680797
Might want to look into meditation, It takes practice, but after so many attempts you can actually toggle debug mode without drugs.

These addictions are sort of like a fear response to these thoughts bubbling up. When you meditate, you accept them, and accept how much they hurt. You don't need a response. Just feel the pain, and let it hurt.

"I acted like a complete retard that time"
chest tightens, palms go sweaty. you want to run. (you want to pick your nose) But instead, you're still, feeling anxious but listening to your breath. After a minute of feeling paralyzed, constricted, your muscles relax and something in your head loosens, just a little. That's what meditation is like.

>>17680810
Yeah, you're right. I'm just really bitter about not getting into that year long DBT program. All because some stupid piece of paper says I'm a sociopath. Fucking bullshit, man.

I'm not a bad guy. At the very least do your research at the beginning. Don't cuck me after three fucking years.

Makes me want to say fuck it to DBT for the rest of my life.

>>17680834
>>17680832
Wow. Two amazing responses. Thank you.

Hang in there, OP.

>>17680765
You don't have to improve everything at once. Nobody does.

People talk about self improvement like you just scale up in awesomeness evenly.

But it's more like moving a bunch of heavy bags up a ladder. Try carrying them all at once and you'll probably fall. You focus on a few things and get them up to the roof only to look down and say "fuck me I forgot about those other bags"
So you go back down ang get a few more. Maybe one bag rolls off the roof. But some are still up there.

You will envitably neglect some shit while building up others. But then you have a better height to see what your lacking and you have other skills to help.

You don't have to start accending mnt Olympus. Just get your shit togther for now.

you suffer from a condition known as 'shit genetics'. unfortunately this cant be cured. youre just doomed to misery, sorry op. life is just cruel like that

>>17680815
Everyone has a sense of self.

It's a sheet of glass.

Mine has been smashed with a hammer. The pieces are everywhere. I've worked really, really hard, and now it's a pile of glass shards.

That's how I'd describe that aspect of Borderline Personality Disorder.

>>17680741
>Dont you love the honesty that comes with 4chan
What the fuck kind of stupid response is this? Literally every post before your was some faggy genuine helpful advice.

>>17680855
I just feel like those three habits are urgent as fuck. I'm seriously picking my nose deep. It hurts like hell. I have stretch marks all over my entire fucking body. Porn is the least problematic, but it still sucks the life out of me. I hate how I've ruined my own sexuality.

You're saying I should pick one and focus on it? I've tried, but I always end up wanting to work on all three at once.

>>17680856
Thank you.

>>17680848
You're probably right. I'm still gonna try, though. Even if I just stay on disability and do cough syrup for the rest of my life. Whatever. I so badly want to be better, though. I'd do anything to be perfect. I'd love to just be normal.

hey man, remember that life is nothing else than a constant stream of doobie dooba. there is no right or wrong in what you're doing or what you've done. you're completely fine. you are ok. you're alive. sometimes getting medical/psychological help only contributes in making you feel like theres something wrong with you. "you have stressposttraumaticdepressiojdkjjmjeaw". FUCK THAT. its just words. you are ok.
i'd reccomend you to go out in nature and explore shit. simply because its fun and you can learn a lot from nature.
dont try to improve yourself. you are the best version of you already. feeling shitty is just part of reality. dont be mad because you cant have a normal life. there is no such thing as a normal life.
also, dont kill yourself, you're gonna die anyways, so just stay exploring the world for as long as you can. HAVE FUN. would love to go out and explore the world together. hope we meet one day :)

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>>17680842
And what you seem to have wanted to become, which is essentially the batman figure, rising up to show the world that you're worth something. I've felt like that at times, sure - who hasn't? But I'm far more content sitting somewhere quiet with a glass of something. It's not paradise, but it'll do.

alan watts. listen to him.

1. If you don't go to the gym, start going. Honestly, I found that getting into the habit of going to the gym was a good step to loosing weight. Don't worry about diet so much at first. When you really feel like you're in the swing of things begin your diet
2. I'm not too familiar with how to combat this desu, sorry I can't help
3. Find some sort of bitter tasting clear nail polish and apply it to your nails. Every time you pick your nose you'll get a foul taste and that will condition you to stop

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They say one trip on this is like a reset button. You'd have to find a research study to get it legally.

Thank you everyone. I'm still reading all responses. Means a lot. I don't write shitty blog posts very often, so it feels good to open up.