I've been emotionally and mentally unstable for many years now. Its gotten better in general, but I still have my moments. Typically there's alcohol or something else involved.
Last night I almost killed myself. I got really drunk, nuked everybody on my facebook, cried like an idiot when I was on the phone with my friend, and then said some wild shit to people on messenger. I'm a fucking idiot and feel extremely ashamed about all of that.
The night culminated with me sticking a loaded double barrel 20 gauge to my head with my finger on the trigger. I wanted to do it, but I pussed out hard. I kept trying to remind myself that my pain would be over and I wouldn't have to deal with these feelings anymore, or even have to exist, which sounds great sometimes, but I still couldn't do it. I'm kind of glad I didn't, I guess.
I haven't told anybody, and don't even know if I should. What would you guys do? What's the rational thing to do?
>>17632665
100 year old vaudeville joke:
PATIENT (moving arm or something): Doctor, it hurts when I do this
DOCTOR: So don't do that!
Modern version
YOU: When I get drunk I get stupidly suicidal
DOCTOR: . . . .
>>17632711
The alcohol definitely played a part last night, but suicide has been a strong theme throughout most of my adult life. I had a gf that killed herself, and ever since its been a struggle to stay alive. I've done the same thing sober several times, although I was in a much worse place. Valid point, though
bump please
>>17632665
Stop drinking.
>>17632720
You should talk to professional help. It sounds like you have some unresolved grief.
>>17632814
This.
Please seek help. And apologize to your friends for christ sake.
if you stopped when you were about to kill yourself, you must be thinking about something in your life
>>17633458
I didnt have a singular reason for not doing it, no clarifying thought. It was just fear, and the realization that my folks would be fucked up from it