How do you deal with anger? My wife is pregnant and we are having

>>17612181

>the rage is so strong all i can do is ride with it.

you've already decided ur gonna be a bad father. not maybe, not possibly, not 'hopefully not but...'.

you are saying you cant control your anger. at all. if you say you have literally zero choice, then you are not acting authentically, you are insisting someones got their hand up your ass controlling you like a butt puppet.

do you wish to be human? or will you let an imaginary god abuse your child through you?

also, therapy? anger management?

>>17612181

Have you tried therapy? There are lots of different coping/relaxation techniques you could try, without putting yourself on meds or anything. Give it a shot. See if any of it works for you.

>>17612181
you have an issue and don't confidently know a way to soothe it other than losing your temper.

the solutions are pretty clear cut
>>17612193
this is a good suggestion. psychologists can be of help with this kind of thing.

>>17612181
OP listen to me

I grew up with intense anger management issues

What you need to do is read Stoic philosophy. Epictetus, for example. If you really get into reading, you should read Plato.

Stoics teach the distinction between the things within our control (virtues, attitudes, motivations, choices) and the things beyond our control (externals, happenstance, luck). Things that are beyond our control aren't worth getting mad about, and not only is getting mad about externals futile-- it actually cripples us internally and keeps us from making the right decisions.

Patience is a very, very important virtue. Not patience like "I can wait around all day", but the type of patience that guards us against anger and helps us keep a cool head.

After I realized these things about life, I stopped getting so goddamned mad all the time. Mad people started to look ridiculous, like clowns.

Apologize to your wife if you've ever hurt her and explain that you are on the path to becoming a good person.

Start today.

>>17612228

not OP, but this looks like the kind of philosophy reading I've been wanting to start in on. is there any particular book you'd recommend ?

>>17612240
http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html

Good starting point, easy reading, you can just read a little bit and think about it each day

>>17612245

thanks for the link! would it be safe to assume thta if i typed in epictetus on amazon id find a book copy? is epicench a chapter of it?

im trying to get more in depth here after readinga 'philosophy of buffy the vampire slayer'.

think it could really help my writing.

>>17612190
If I continue down this path, yeah. I'm gonna be a bad father. But the kid's coming whether I remedy that or not, you know?

>>17612193
I tried therapy but it was not for me.

I simply cannot open up to people who I dont know well face to face. It's another issue entirely but it's there. So what was happening is I'd go to therapy and not communicate. I was spending a lot of money twice a week to make small talk.

There's also the problem that I have a passing interest in psychology so I keep acting like a skeptic at a magic show: trying to peek behind the curtain and see the wires and mirrors.

Not faulting my therapist, she came highly recommended to me by a friend and she is a good therapist, but it was ultimately a waste both of our time. I take responsibility for that.

>>17612228
This seems pretty interesting...any specific works I should look at?

>>17612254
>therapy was not for me
>I can't open up and speak to my therapist
>the kid is coming whether I remedy my anger issues or not
>I'm going to be a bad father at this rate

why do you keep pretending that you can't change?

>>17612254

you're still using 'I HAVE NO CONTROL' statements. you're going to be a dad. do you want to teach your son to basically say 'i dont feel like trying harder, there fore i just cant do it!!!!'

be a good dad. go back to anger management.

try harder. theres no magical option here that will remove your anger or absolve you of your future guilt.

>>17612263

because that'd take effort.

can't you just recommend some pills or a spell that will make me nice or something?

>>17612268
arguably no. narcotics are risky as fuck and could make thing worse. antidepressants would seriously reduce your fuck your wife, and that's not very nice.

>>17612181
She deserves better than you.

>>17612278
>reduce your fuck your wife
and then you swoop in, hamal

>>17612280
i'm so tired of the people ego tripping improperly on here.

look, dumbass. /adv/ is a mutually beneficial setup. let me spell it out for your stupid ass.
1. people need advice.
2. you give the advice.
3. you feel better about yourself
4. they get advice

what you're doing right now is
1. people need advice
2. you insult them
3. you feel better about yourself
4. everyone gets in a hostile mood

be a fucking adult you little twit

>>17612268
You could get a lobotomy, but that may cause more problems than it solves.

>>17612278
That wasn't OP, it was someone being being a smart ass. I think medication should be a last resort and I don't think I'm that far gone.

>>17612263
>>17612264
>spend 140 dollars a week to talk to my therapist about the drive to his office and how work was.

Money well spent.

I want to change, I don't want to change using therapy. There are alternatives out there. I want to know what they are.

>>17612278
>>17612268
wait

there are blood pressure lowerers. it's certainly not a solution, but it could help.

it depends whether or not you're raging out to get pleasure or raging out to calm down. if you're raging out to get pleasure, I don't think beta blockers will do anything.

>>17612254

Try different therapists, maybe? Sometimes you have to shop around a bit to find someone you can have a good rapport with.

Try the other anon's reading recommendations, too. Whatever works. But therapy can be a bit more versatile and helpful, since you can actually talk through your day-to-day problems and the things that trigger your anger.

But if that really isn't working for you - you could look into things like meditation, yoga, maybe even take up a sport or martial arts class, to burn off some energy and aggression.

Regular exercise, alone, can have a great affect on stabilizing the mood. So if you don't work out, or run, or anything like that - start up an exercise routine.

>>17612295
if you were just some guy, I would encourage being stubborn and not changing at all, but you have a family coming and you said that you "create an environment of fear"

your kid is going to have psychological problems if you don't fucking change.

>>17612302
he just said the therapist was qualified but that he didn't want to do it

he's deciding to stubbornly stay this way

>>17612318

I was just suggesting that even though the therapist was qualified, they just didn't "connect." He might have a much better experience with a different therapist.

Or maybe not. Talk therapy really isn't for everyone.

>>17612325
people have to leave therapists because they're not a good match

you don't need a new therapist because you were unwilling to open up on your own. I think it's good that he recognized he didn't want to experience the unpleasantness that comes with talking about emotional problems.

now that he has a kid coming he should push through that discomfort

>>17612295

>i dont want to change using therapy.

the world doesnt care. your son doesn't care. you are refusing the actual options.

>there are alternatives out there
>i just dont know them XD

this is why your son is going to grow up being afraid of you. life handed you an obvious direct answer in anger management and therapy and you just 'dont wanna' use em.

how can you be sure there are alternatives out there if you can't even name them? there aren't. self improvement is different for everyone. its a unique journey. therapy and anger management simply help facilitate that unique journey by walking you through it and helping you come to terms with the issue,

grow up.

>>17612302
You know the long and short of it is that that I just don't believe in therapy.

I know someone will bitch about that, but hey, it is what it is. I can't make a militant atheist believe in the power of prayer, either. Not that praying helps me in particular but I recognize the merits for some people just as I recognize therapy has merits for some people.

>>17612318
Yet I'm taking the advice other anons are giving here that are not therapy.

I don't want to see a therapist. I didn't enjoy the experience when I did, I didnt think it was effective, and I don't want to spend the money on it.

Why is this a difficult concept? Why do you refuse to realize there are alternatives to therapy?

>>17612327
>afraid
or he might identify with his father and not know how to handle emotions and behave

>>17612328
>I just don't believe in therapy
that's stupid. people who disagree with you are not bitching, just pointing out that you're incorrect. therapy helps a lot of people and what you're experiencing indicates that you could benefit from therapy.

>but I don't like therapy, therapy can't be the only thing that would help
you're right! but therapy is *one of your best existing options*. we can fold our arms all we want, but that's not gonna help.

>yet I'm taking the advice other anons are giving here that is not therapy

I like stoicism too but it's actually not a solution to not knowing how to handle emotions. My family was that way and now I can't speak with any of them and my mother lives with her parents in my old bedroom

get fucking real

>>17612327
If you don't have anything constructive to add, you can fuck off.

I don't know if you are a therapist or what but you seem to have a hard on for it.

I didn't like it, I asked for alternatives. Others provided those alternatives, if you can't I don't know what else I can tell you.

>>17612326
I get what you're saying here, and I agree, I will have to get there eventually.

But in the immediate future I'd like to at least get to a level where if the dog pisses on the couch I don't punch a hole in the wall.

Then I can work in learning how to cry or whatever the fuck.

>>17612328

because you cant even name any other than 'read about philosophy'. and thats not an alternative to therapy.

if you can't even deconstruct it with the help a therapist, then a book isn't going to do you any good.

no one cares what you want. the world doesn't care what you want. it wasn't effective because as you admitted, you refused to open up. sure it was 'hard' but so is raising a kid.

take the first fucking step. grow up.

>>17612348

reading about philosophy is not an alternative. there have been no alternative.s im actually pretty anti therapy, i believe in just being an adult and handling your problems on your own.

but you're not an adult. you can't even handle yourself. so go to therapy.

>you can just fuck off

cant wait to see you say that to your kid when he can't figure out how to tie his shoes right away.

If you truely love her, you'll want what's best for her, and you'll realize what's best for her is for you to stay out of her life. If you really love her, you're willing to make sacrifices

>>17612328

What about the other stuff I mentioned? Exercise, meditation, martial arts, stuff like that?

It's also worth noting - and you might not want to hear this - that therapy ITSELF is not always the best thing you can get out of therapy.

As I said before, they can suggest coping techniques and ways of dealing with anger outside the therapist's office, just like I'm trying to do right now. The difference is that a therapist would be speaking from a position of much more education and experience than I have on this matter.

It doesn't have to be an endless, expensive conversation about your childhood and stuff. It can be very open-ended. You can just talk about things that upset you, things that you've tried to deal with your anger, things that are working, things that are not working, etc. You can try a few sessions just to get some new tips and ideas.

>>17612348
>learning how to cry or whatever the fuck
your aversion to getting the help that exists (as gay and expensive and sometimes useless as it can be) is actually distorting your view of the world. therapy is not like Good Will Hunting. It exists as a service to people who risk fucking their lives up, and a service used by the government to keep people in check. it's not fairy dust. it's not crying. it's a soft science designed to keep people from punching holes in the wall. you punch holes in the wall. are you getting the picture?

if your reactions are really that extreme and disproportionate, you might have emotional issues that probably feel like shit to have and will hurt people around you until they're addressed

>>17612181
>therapy helps a lot of people and what you're experiencing indicates that you could benefit from therapy.

You said "a lot." Not "all." Not all people benefit from therapy. And thanks for the heads up but considering all you have are my posts here, I think I'll just take the advice other people are offering and ignore your armchair psychology bullshit, k?

>you're right! but therapy is *one of your best existing options*. we can fold our arms all we want, but that's not gonna help

>I like stoicism too but it's actually not a solution to not knowing how to handle emotions.

I don't care about handling emotions, I cate about managing my anger.

>get fucking real

Nothing personal...kid

>>17612360
this

it's not supposed to be an endless talk about your childhood, correct. they're supposed to help OP get into things like martial arts instead of demolition. they're supposed to listen to what is hurting him and give some qualified advice.

the only downside is losing some money, but if you have insurance then what the fuck

The fact that you have acknowledged this behavior and want to change it is a step in the right direction, you can also go to like angermanagement and they can teach you how to handle things

>>17612360

>Exercise, meditation, martial arts, stuff like that?

I'd add acupuncture and massage to that list, too. The mind-body connection is a real thing. If you're walking around all tense and tight, you'd be surprised at how much physical relaxation can affect your mood

However, even if it's not what you want to hear, I am also going to recommend therapy. Treat it exactly how you're treating this thread. "Hey doctor, can you recommend some techniques for dealing with my anger?"

>>17612367
>i'm gonna ignore your advice [and any advice that resembles yours]
enjoy your hell
I'm sorry for your child and girlfriend or wife

>I don't care about handling emotions. I care about handling my anger
that's very silly. anger is a bunch of emotions.

>nothing personal...kid
idk if that was a chilly dogs sonic the hedgehog comment, or if you were trying to say that I'm no authority because I'm young

in which case you probably know more about the world and making money than me, but you obviously know nothing about this...since you are asking for advice on it, and then demonstrating that you have no grasp of the subject. if somebody knows more than you about a thing, you should listen.

maybe the guy who just called you a name or w/e was right. maybe you won't decide to change.

>>17612360
>>17612366
Therapy will not work on me. That's it.

Here's what happened last time:

>go to therapist
>"I get really angry and do things I later reret and it makes me feel like shit"
>"ok, write in a journal about how you feel"
>journal is literally entries like "I went to work, came home, ate dinner, and went to bed. I was angry that the Giants lost so I had a drink and felt better." (Actual quote, I still have the journal)
>do this for a year
>twice a week

There are alternatives out there. There cannot be only one answer to my problem.

>>17612367

I get where you're coming from, but there are many different kinds of "therapy." Don't give up on the whole thing just because you had a bad experience with ONE therapist.

You're trying to work through some mental/emotional difficulties you've been having, and you refuse to see any of the people that are actually trained and educated to help you. This is exactly what they're there for.

>>17612254
>If I continue down this path then i'm gonna be a bad father

It's more than that. I think you might not be understanding the extreme impact your anger would have on your child. If you blew up just one time around that kid it would be extremely scarring and very hurtful to them and have permanent lingering consequences in your relationship that would be hard to fix. The regret you would feel over exposing your child to your anger would be enormous and like torture.

My dad lost his temper around me one time like 10 years ago and things have never been the same. It was like this one moment that ruined everything between us. Even though i've personally been trying to get over it and try to forgive and be mature about it. It's just really hard.

Your kid would react way worse than me because of their age.

Seriously think of the people around you like a mirror and that anger like a rock. It shatters relationships. Part of how i've managed to control my own anger is in realizing just how devastating anger is in destroying relationships I hold dear to me. It makes them worse off.

I wish I could give you better advice. I'm sorry.

>>17612391
doesn't sound like went at all like it was supposed to.

since therapy is basically just asking someone for help, you can imagine that a lot of people are not equipped to help at all

I would keep trying to find one that is better. emotion regulation, anger management, specialist, PsyD, these are all words you should be looking for. They shouldn't be getting paid to have you journal, that's correct.

and you're really spooked about your anger, antidepressants and ehhh maybe other pills will help as a last resort

>>17612391

But that is just one therapist, you tried ONE technique. Did you try telling her "I don't think this journal is helping me, can we try something else?"

They're not all going to do the same thing. Essentially, they're trained and educated to give you exactly the answers you're looking for in this thread.

Like ANY kind of medical treatment, there's often trial-and-error before you find the treatment that works best for you. If the first treatment they suggest isn't working, you have to tell them that.

They've got a bigger, better bag of tricks than anyone in this thread.

>>17612383
You can go fuck yourself. Don't presume to know jack shit about what the fuck my life is, what the fuck I do with it, or what the fuck it's gonna be.

Just because I don't want to circle jerk in a therapist's office because I lose my temper 4-5 times a year doesn't mean jack shit.

If it worked for you, great. My experience was a year long, it provided nothing, I won't waste my time or money on it any more.

>>17612400
I dunno, like I said he was a good therapist, I was just a bad client.

Asking me to go to a therapist is like asking an atheist to go to church. I don't believe in it; why would I do it?

Anyway I'm getting pissed off again because of this faggot with the hard on for a therapist, so I'm out.

Anons who actually offered advice, thanks.

Anons with the holier than thou attitude and smugness, fuck off.

>>17612398

I agree with everyone that OP should do everything possible to get this under control. But wow, you are REALLY blowing this out of proportion. Your dad is human. He lost his temper around you ONE TIME, and you can't forgive him? How bad was it?

OP is saying he has a chronic problem with anger, he's worried that he's going to be flying off the handle REGULARLY around his kid. That's different. But it is not realistic to expect your parents to keep their emotions completely under control at all times. They have feelings. Nobody's perfect.

>>17612391

you admit you didnt try.

you do realize you havfe to try right? its not a button to press or just a switch you can flip.

you need to put in effort. you need to NOT make small talk during therapy.

you went in, knew what you had to do, and then didnt do it. you didnt talk about your anger.

jesus, you're making me want to go to anger management.

>>17612427
>smug
>holier than thou

that's the proper response to a guy saying he might be abusive to his child but he doesn't believe in the system our society set up to help with that

>>17612427

Not the same guy who was pissing you off - but if you wanted to buy a hammer, I'd tell you to go to a hardware store. If you wanted to buy a steak, the grocery store. If you broke your ankle, I'd tell you to see a doctor. If you asked for help working through your anger problems... I'd tell you to see a therapist.

I don't mean to harp on this, but these are the people that are trained to answer the question you're asking. It just doesn't make sense to dismiss the entire profession just because one doctor suggested one technique that didn't work for you. You still need help with the same thing, why is it so wrong to suggest you see someone who is TRAINED to help you?

>>17612452
I don't want to go to the grocery store. I want to be a self-sustained farmer and rancher.

>>17612470

sure, but a farmer and rancher still needs to go to other stores and other farmers in order to get the basic tools necessary to do so.

metaphor aside, you are choosing to ignore something because of your own faults. the whole point of therapy is to fix similar faults.

refusing to do this is setting a really bad trend for being a parent. you admit that it was your fault, not the therapist. you admit that you only made small talk instead of talking about the problems.

so imagine how much better this can go if you actually 'try'. if you tried to work past what was holding you back.

cuz thats what therapy is. and if you cant even do that to open up to therapy, you aren't goign to be able to find an independent way to control your anger.

>>17612434
50 years ago someone would have told OP to deal with it and that therapy is for crazy people.

But that's what society said at the time so they must have been tight, huh?

>>17612487
therapy has been for all kinds of people since the early 20th century

plebs say all kinds of shit. it doesn't matter.

>>17612427
you do have anger issues and it doesn't take much. Just hope you keep your hands off your wife but sounds like you are one blow up away from using her for a punching bag. Seen way too many fucks like you

>>17612181
There are a lot of books on anger management. Just go to the library and grab a few. Most of those books are 2 or 3 good ideas, and then a lot of fluff.
I worked on my anger a lot before I had kids, then I became zen, then it turns out kids find all your secret rage buttons, so now I am really glad I worked on myself or I probably would have done a lot of damage.

The main key is recognizing when you're about to lose it before you do, and then finding your own way to cope. I had to really focus on not breaking things.
It's hard to look deeply into the ugliest part of you, but that's the only way you can change it. Be honest with yourself and your partner, apologize, and ask for help coming up with a list of (for lack of a better word) "triggers" the things you always get super mad over, so you can work through and avoid them.

>>17612523
he sounds like more of a sensitive, self-destructive type who would probably not beat anyone

it's not a good example for a child, though

Do what I do anon. I have a hard time with anger myself and I find the best solution is to stop myself from doing something stupid. I've gotten better and better at just pausing right after a moment that triggers me and force myself not to react, hold my tongue, etc.

It takes practice and no ones expecting you to be perfect example of self control. Just take it a day at a time. That fact that you're acknowledging your shortcomings is fantastic. Keep up the good work.