How can i ever keep the anxiety and depression at bay without

>>17590878
I don't think you can I don't know if it's because I'm on the down swing of my depression again but I can't live without MDMA, amphetamines or drinking. I'm scared too because I don't want to hurt my friends or family but I've pushed almost everyone away because of depression. And I'm tired of living like this there's no getting better so I think I'll end up dying along the way instead.

You need to stop doing any kind of substance in general. Now I'm not saying go straight edge or any of that other bullshit but hear me out. I spent two years dealing with terrible depression and anxiety and all of that. During those two years (and a few years prior) I dabbled quite heavily into alcohol and did a fair variety of drugs (nothing hardcore though).
During that time I was spiralling downwards and downwards and just getting overall worse. Then I had a buddy who was going down the same road as I attempt suicide and luckily failed at it but the shit woke me up. I stopped from doing any substances at all and spent a year sobered up. It was hard, God damn was it ever tough to just cold turkey it all out but Months after I've cleaned up I felt the weight of my depression and anxieties lift up and get better.
Now I'll drink and have an occasional toke but only touch substances a small slight fraction of the time that I used to and things couldn't be better. I have my days and moods but every person does.
Tl;dr lay off the stuff and you'll feel better

> it isn't to the point where i spend every waking moment intoxicated

It definitely sounds like it, taking red bull and amphetamines in the morning and weed and alcohol at night.

> Being a little intoxicated actually seems to unlock the doors in my head and let the REAL me out.

No, it's fucking you up, you're hiding from your problems by getting intoxicated and the amphetamines and red bull are making your anxiety a million times worse. I would strongly advise you to stop using any drugs for a while until you can be happy sober. You're romanticizing your drug use and you can't start getting better until you stop, you even admit that you're addicted. Then I would suggest reading about cognitive behavioral therapy, get a book on it.

I eat my entire adderall prescription in a day. I have a history of hard drug abuse. I wait for my script to come around before spend money on drugs at all except for alcohol.

You are probably coming down from the caffeine and vy when you are irritable. I double dog dare you to muscle through 2 weeks of nothing but alc, and alcohol only after you have got your shit done. Drugs should be your reward.

After you master this system, everyone should probably consider going completely clean but who am I to judge. Haha!

>>17590982
Drugs affect everyone differently. I shared an apartment with someone who would flip shit hardcore after 20 mg of adderall. I can eat my bottle and just get molly come down (super withdrawn; I find working out minimizes the comedown). You should workout.

>>17590975

I do the vyvanse and redbull once in a blue moon- like once every 2 months, but it winds me up for days. The weed and alcohol i do much more often.

But the 3 of them combined.. You don't understand. I don't hide from my problems. I face them. And sometimes i have so many to face that being high doesn't help, because i have so many things to sort through when i reflect. Once i face everything stressing me out, that's when the anxiety and depression is lifted.

I just need to figure out how to do this sober. Like i said you don't understand. I've gone 6+ months without anything. Going clean will NEVER make me magically overcome anything. I have to practice doing it in my head, but i can only do that with these drugs. When i'm sober i'm wreck and the negative feelings never stop, no matter how hard i try to calm down and think rationally.

I really think you should see a therapist, you sound really fucked up and all over the place

>>17590878
Sorry friend, there's just no reason to avoid drugs.

I had similar issues. Except without regular access to stimulants. I had to learn to FORCE myself everyday to do things, then those things after a few months became habit. It helps if you repeat in your head over and over as your doing something how good you will feel after its done. Good luck

>>17590975
I dunno bruh sounds like you're romanticizing sobriety