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I've just attempted to write down a story I formed in my

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I've just attempted to write down a story I formed in my head years ago, and yet again I failed. The anxiety poured back in, I can feel the muscles in my head tightening, and at this point the process is at its end point and I can barely generate thoughts or access memories. Typical panic horseshit, but drawn out over a long window of time. I tried to mentally return to that era of my life and I'm feeling all the same shit sensations I did then too.

I'm so disgusted. I created something beautiful, and now I can barely look at it without great caution, much less directly engage with it. Feel like smashing my head against a wall, I don't get it. I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. I already know what I'm afraid of.
This is the only means for reconciliation. If I can't manage to do this I will only remain a slave.
That's not a great story.

Have less cringey shit about anxiety resulting in physical problems.

Focus more on the description of the mental effects

Can definitely develop into a solid short story with more work
That's not the story. It's how I'm responding to trying to fully recall and mentally return to my mindset when I originally made it.

The actual story is mostly based on my life, but in an abstracted form.
Oh, well then stop being a cringey emotional fuck.

I thought you were just writing a stripey about cringey shit
Read the Anatomy of Story.

It's an outstanding break down to what the fundamental elements of story is and how to captivate people. Maybe that'll help organize your thoughts.
Stop calling everything cringey. I'm having a difficult as fuck time getting anything done because my mind locks down when I try to go near any of it. The only means to access any of it is indirectly, through another layer, very carefully.

I'm not actually writing it into a story, I'm trying to transcribe mental imagery, the progression of events, and the underlying reasoning and logical framework it's derived from. Since it's so closely tied to my own life, it's also tied in with a large number of memories, and I'm trying to carefully craft key words and phrases, to make it easier to reconstruct if I ever lose a piece. It's all stored in my head right now.

I can't get passed the fear of crippling myself, and mental regression. I feel 5 years younger, and it's awful. Given that I made most of this in a period when I was close to madness, doesn't really help.

I don't know, man. I think I'm going to have abandon and file it all away, again. Come back, yet again, when I'm not such incompetent and broken trash. This is pathetic. Trying to use my own memories has spurred my mind to close in and constrict to the point of feeling like a tiny little box. Should have just kept doing what I was doing before, but recent real life events made me remember and better understand part of it.
Yep. Fuck this, I have to drop it. I can't handle the mental clutter, and can't risk being crippled right now.

I wouldn't care much if I got killed off, and at this point it'd probably be the best thing I'm capable of having. Finishing this would have made it all worthwhile.

Use your feelings to promote this story? I would actually really like to hear this story. A lot of great stories are fueled by motive, whatever that motive may be. Mine would be my shitty childhood that my oblivious sense barricaded the world around me. Could you perhaps just summarize this story of yours?
-probably just wasnt a good story
-it was more relatable when you came up with it
-bad with emotions too scared to express your "true" feeling or some meme like that
-scared of how people will react when they read it or some subconscious meme like that
It's done from a perspective that's both detached and personal, mixing together the micro and the macro. The absolute and the subjective. A major theme of the first few segments is the notion of body as a concept, and delineating objects (body included) arbitrarily, and at arbitrary scales.

A lot of feelings went into it, but it's equally mechanical in the implementation. It's based on my entire life. Inspired by health problems, chronic pain, etc, but again, in a highly abstracted form such that there's probably a basis for relateability in just about anyone.

I must not be communicating very well. I've calmed down now. The issue isn't the story itself, it's "engaging" with it in any meaningful sense. I can remember the whole thing, but it's the kind of deal I can't get too close to without becoming anxious and or mentally locking down. It's practically an automatic response. I guess I'm afraid of slipping back into the mindset, and mental patterns, I used to make it to begin with. And the general space I was in at the time. I can deal with misery easily, this is something else. And I need to reconcile the knowledge that I've been there and it exists to go back to.

I don't really care much about anyone else's reaction. It'd be more suitable as a game or a movie, but could be made into a novel.

It really is moronic. I can look at the box. Know what's in the box. Recollect what's in the box. But cannot handle looking in or touching what's in the box. I don't where or why this response was wired in.
Anyway. I've filled my brain with enough kava that I feel like I might fade out of consciousness. Guess I fixed that anxiety problem, by golly by gosh.

As long as I can get a rough outline committed to an external medium, I can readily iterate on it later. I can practically walk through the story and physical spaces in my head, visually, but the connections between events and some of the more complex segments are beginning to fade. I have to write it down, it's been years. This is going to haunt me until death.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with this.
One last bump.
One last cringe for the triggered emo sperg
Don't try to write it.

Write down the basic outline of the story, just for yourself so you don't forget it. Don't worry about grammar or spelling or anything - nobody will ever see this but you, and it's just there to keep you from forgetting bits of it.

Save it, put it away, and get on with your life.

Later - and I'm talking days or weeks - have a look at it, and start fleshing it out a little, adding details or color or whatever. It is still not a final product, just the outline being developed.

Repeat that last step over time until one day you discover that you have the finished, polished story in front of you.
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