I just feel like a worthless mess of self hatred and mental disorders.

>>17560883

you want to be sad. you want to be miserable. to be anything else would strip you of any sense of self you have. you take pride in how you will be 'miserable' no matter what. you are chasing that feeling. there is a sense of righteousness in it.

its very common in teenagers. most people lose this in highschool or early college. but some people become addicted. you're the 4chan equivelent of a tumblrina.

they have 'im so oppressed' contests. we have 'im so depressed' contests.

you have decided to disregard any attempts at enjoying something because, in your own words' ill likely be miserable no matter what'.

you literally chose to be miserable mate.

its scary to re-define yourself once the saddness is gone. what makes you special?

but trust me when i say its worth exploring.

>>17560902
I dont know. Ive tried 2 years of therapy with 3 different therapists, (their decision i find a new one, not mine), self help groups, tons of friends, a few relationships. Nothing worked. Fear of the actual act of suicide and the guilt of my loved ones mourning are really all that kept me going. There are a lot of things i like about myself but i just feel so heavily outweighed by the bad. Ive struggled against it my whole life and now i dont know what else i can do that i havent tried. Ive even tried new age spirituality but i just cant bring myself to believe something because i want to. If im believing it because i want to im not believing it because its true. The one thing i havent tried is medication and it honestly doesnt seem worth it. I dont believe taking drugs 24 7 will help me think more clearly, only delude my thinking. Also if i want to be miserable that isnt a choice. You cant choose what you want. Seriously think of how ridiculous it is to suggest you choose what you want. Lets say you like reading twilight on the bus, if you decide that youre embarrassed to do that and read something else at no point did you excercise choice. Your embarrasement merely was a greater emotion than the joy you got from your daily 15 minute bus ride twilight

>>17560950
Not the other anon that replied, but anon you need an outlet to channel your feelings. You have not found it yet, and that is okay you just have to believe you will. You need Hope anon, hope for your life, and belief things can and will get better. You can choose to have hope even when you are going through really hard times. The metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel is what you have to keep looking for.

Spirituality does help, and as for believing in what you cannot see think about microbes. We cannot see them, but only after the microscope was developed did we know they existed. However, we knew illness existed before the discovery of microbes, and we knew something was contributing to it. Basically, we believe in things we cannot see through much of our lives so how is belief in God any different? It is not ultimately. You just need faith, and that is difficult to have especially when you are down and out, but if you have faith it helps you through.

Work on you, make some goals and see them through, and maybe watch or read something comical, surround yourself with positivity each chance you get, and just live.

Whatever is mentally holding you back let it go. When negative thoughts arise start thinking about something positive. Also, if you do not want to try medication yet, perhaps you should try multi-vitamins, sitting in the sunlight, good nutrition, and maybe looking into noo-tropics. I wish you the best of luck anon.

>>17561054
The difference is i see no reason to believe in god. No god thats real would let the majority of people do such disgusting nonsense in their name (ie. All 3 abrahamic religions). Also it seems there is an inverse purportion of justice. The more innocent a creature is, the more its hunted, abused and exploited. The most harmless creatures are routinely exploited by more malicious larger creatures. Not only that but it generalizes to the human world. If you look at our social order. The richer you are, the less likely you are to appreciate it. Also the richer you are, the larger your carbon foot print and the more easily you cope with climate change. The poorest among us with the smallest carbon footprints will suffer the most. If there is a god theyd be much more like satan than god.

Anyway i dont know. I cant bring myself to try to believe things just because i feel like. I try to surround myself with hopeful things somewhat but i always feel down as a result. Its usually not very effective, comments like "you can do anything you put your mind to" or "youre special and important just the way you are" are immediately followed in my head by the reasons it isnt true. Unless its a more mild positivity like "theres people who love you" but even then i wonder if they only love me because weve known each other for so long or just happen to be related. Either way the statement is true at least

>>17560902
At first I thought you were right.

Then I realised you're just spouting buzzwords without actually saying anything.