I accidentally saw a chat on my girlfriend's FB the other

>>17552890
Also worth mentioning is that we come from different class backgrounds (middle myself, upper working herself), and she's had two major relationships before me in her life, both with very physically and mentally/emotionally abusive men who left her in a bad way. This is my first major relationship.

I see the concern on both sides but I think it was a little much to make you leave her place and assume you're following an abusive/controlling pattern. On the other hand, I think it's pretty normal to want to check up on an ex even though there aren't any feelings for them. If this were my situation I would send her a text explaining that it truly wasn't an act of control but that you were just a little uncomfortable about the whole thing but that you do trust her and am willing to move past it. After that, just give her some time to reflect and get back to you.

>>17552890
>It went south quickly though, and I was made to leave her house. While she's said that she believes I'm not like past partners she's had, she said that she's recognising a pattern of abuse whereby I will eventually want more control over her social media, the company she keeps, the people she speaks with, etc.
- well she is overcompensating for something that she lacks
- her integrity is easily punctured because she actually identifies with the victim role and gets off on it
- even with you telling her honestly that you accidentally went over her message, she shouldn't be offended THAT much...
- she feels exposed because she hid that from you to begin with.
- she knows she was in the wrong and lashes out parallel in order to make up for it
- this is self-empowering and she is in full control of the situation within her reality, because of it.
- she doesn't want the truth.
>Because of this, she's blocked me out for now, and I am not sure where we stand.
- she is waiting for your attention.
professional work and she's going to be doing a masters, but we're both currently casual retail slaves. Pic unrelated.

humans are curious creatures
i have no feelings towards any of my ex's but i still have a little stalk just out of sheer curiosity.

>>17552890
>>17552922
>I'm at a loss for what to do now. I love her dearly, and don't want to leave her.
you have to always be ready to drop your investment in your partner if something happens.
>I think we will push through this, but I don't want to be in a place where bringing up unpleasant conversations and talking about her doing things I'm truly uncomfortable with as her partner.
that is what is going to happen. she is always, always going to have this kind of attitude. she is always going to respond immaturely, just as before.
>I never intended to breach her privacy in this way by looking at a personal, in-camera conversation between her and one of her friends, but I feel as if I did no wrong by bringing this up and expressing how I felt about it.
you did nothing wrong because it was an accident, but you should have expected her to lash out at you. what did you expect her to say? "girl, i don't like you lookin up pics of your ex bf" "s-sorry anon... it won't happen again, love you..."
>What do you think, and where do you think I should go from here? If it matters, we're both 24, I'm looking for professional work and she's going to be doing a masters, but we're both currently casual retail slaves. Pic unrelated.
break up with her.

>>17552923
i have neither any feelings towards any of my ex's nor do i stalk them. i actually stopped when we broke up. i really don't care about their existences, other than i hope they live a good life.

>>17552916
I think you're right. I hope we can move past it, I don't blame her for checking up on him, I'd never deny her that and if she ever felt like she wanted to I'd want to encourage her if it were safe to do so. I hope she can come to see where I am coming from, and that I'm not abusive or controlling like people she's had in her past.

With that being said, what's gotten me the most is that I plucked up the courage to bring it up knowing full well that it could either go well or very badly, and now I'm still in a place where I know that if I were to have another difficult conversation like this, something that's relatively inconsequential (I'm not mad at her, I was upset and jealous at the time but I'm past it 24 hours later) could mean we end up splitting. We were looking for a place to move into together, and at this stage we're probably not going to continue doing that, because we're obviously not ready for that. Things like this could make me scared of communicating for fear of striking a nerve, and in the end, it's not like she's doing anything too bad, just something that makes me uncomfortable - but that can still eat away at you.. What do you reckon?

She's in the wrong. I'm not one of those "every woman cheats" dudes, but I don't think that she had a right to get mad at you for telling her you're uncomfortable with her asking for photos. To be honest I don't think you even needed to respect her desire to check up on him, though it shows you're decent and realistic.

But yeah, you're not being unreasonable

>>17552890
Don't talk to her. Completely ignore her. Work on your own shit and have fun with your hobbies (extremely hard). She will be afraid that she scared the only good guy she has had away. People want what they can't have, people want what doesn't care about them, what doesn't need them.

>>17553204
She will take you back asap if you actually fuck off and just start living without her acting like your completely unphased. Makes you seem strong, independent, and capable of replacing her. Will freak her the fuck out.

>>17553210
Don't be a dick about it when she confronts you. Just say the truth, that your not her Ex, that while you understand where is coming from with the whole "she said that she's recognising a pattern of abuse" is bullshit and that is just leftovers from her last relationship. That what you were trying to build was Trust. That she has to Trust you enough to talk to about small things like this without freaking out. Make sure you don't say she was wrong directly, women are never wrong. They just need help with their perspectives sometimes.

I think it's weird that she would want to check in on an ex, especially one that was abusive. I suppose I am a bit more cynical, but if I had an abusive ex, I would want to get away from them and block all contact, especially on social media. I would never want to see that fucker's face again.

I would wonder if she's looking to seek him out again as a backup plan, and she only lashed out at you because she was caught.

File: image.png (132KB, 220x305px) Image search: [Google]

132KB, 220x305px

She says you're not like other ex boyfriends who were abusive, but then says your abusive. She's literally doing this to protect herself because you discovered something she hid. Also with the whole noticing that on social media (even though you didn't mean to even see that), and with her saying you'll want control over her social media, it sounds like paranoia from previous abusive relationships

>>17552890
You haven't done anything wrong and shouldn't feel bad.
Her rapid change of mood and her essentially calling you a potential abuser is a classic tactic to try and take the heat off herself. She obviously didn't have a good excuse lined up as to why she wanted the pictures so got overly defensive. I've done it, partners have done it, everyone does it now and then.

Don't talk to her until she comes to you with an apology and be somewhat wary.

I'm curious about my exes and sometimes ask mutual friends about them but asking for pics seems weird to me.

She was in an abusive relationship before yes?

Then you have to understand that she might (understandably) be hyper sensitive to things like this. Even if you were just being honest and didn't have any bad intentions, this may bring up red flags for her. My advice is try not to take it personally and empathize with her point of view. Also do whatever it takes to reassure her that you're not looking to tell her what to do and that you believe in being able to talk anything out with each other. Stuff like that. Keep lines of communication open.

>>17553328
This is good advice, thank you. I need to make sure I keep myself grounded here, I don't blame her for being taken aback by this. She's said many times today that she's trying to protect herself.

While I appreciate everyone's help here, I don't want to ignore her back into talking to me, I'd be being dishonest to both her and myself.