Why am I a judgemental loner asshole who wants to change everyone,

>>17549417
How old are you? You sound spoiled really. What are your hobbies?

I'm 22. Outdoor hobbies mostly.

>>17549465
Strange. Can you go into any more detail of hobbies? Type of people you hang out with? Do you visit pol or play games at all?

>>17549472
Swimming, biking, drawing, shitposting, sometimes I like watching Netflix.

I hate pol.

>>17549489
Hm. Sounds good and I think so long as you arent open about your judgements you should be fine.

You said in the OP you are a loner. To what extent and why do you think you are?

>>17549507
Because my mother was an antisocial loner too, and she raised me that way. I was banned from socializing when I was a kid, she totally pussy whipped my father and drove him mad with her constant nagging, closed-upness, and not letting him be with friends as well. I was raised in that everyone is inferior and their opinion is all what matters, and practically in a family warzone, that the only thing that matters is academic performance and that I had to be better than everyone.

>>17549530
Huh. Are you ethnically Asian? I cant give much advice here anon, that is a raw deal. Besides going out more and joining clubs sure. I mean technically they were right for you to focus on academics but the rest sounds bad. Why not talk to her or your father?

because you are a judgemental loner asswhole

>>17549542
No, I'm white. My mother was just treated like shit by her parents for being a girl, and she had to show the world that she can do a lot on get own. Which is true, she became a doctor and she's 2nd in charge in a hospital, but she didn't realize that if she were more open to people, she would have achieved much more personally and also would make the people around her much happier.

>>17549542
She just can't understand. For her friends and people are objects to circumvent, or evil alcoholic drug addicts who want to drag me down. My father is completely depressed.

>>17549555
Best you can do is try to civilly talk to her. Dont have an outburst, dont weep, just sit down and talk. Explain how you feel with softer terms than you used here. Even in child and parent relationships, communication is key.

Also remember you are your own person. I ws brought up to be polite, civil and proper. But it was ultimately my choice to be like that or something else. Same applies to you.

>>17549563
You are right about choices, but it's not only a choice. It's also a skill, and it's next to impossible to gain this skill now at 22.

>>17549530
Wow. I think we had the same upbringing. i've learnt to be a lot more tolerant as I've gotten older though. It's a habit you have to develop, every time you want to criticise somebody try to empathise with them, nobody is perfect.

>>17549577
How to start that?

>>17549572
no. maybe you got to limit contact with her, as she seems to have a negative impact on your life.

>>17549583
No for what?

>>17549587
no for "it's next to impossible to gain this skill now at 22".

personality changes all the time throughout your life.

of course, when you always got a negative person around you nagging and criticizing, your start believing that shit and you become a nagger yourself.
don't let her unfortunate upbringing and personality influence your life negatively.

>>17549581
Well, I did cognitive behavioural therapy because I was super depressed for years, it trains you to be less hard on both yourself and others. But really its just practice, Notice your thoughts and try to think differently.

I'm 26 now and have many more friends than I used to.

Also for me it was important to realise just because I dont gel with somebody or we like different things doesnt mean I have the right to hate them.

>>17549595
How can you start learning how to be empathetic, polite, kind, creative, attentive, observant of people, loving, but also not a doormat?

Op has narcissism.

>>17549600
I've been depressed since 16. It's extremely hard to get rid of black and white thinking.

>>17549611
Are you female?

>>17549417
You can date me when I get home

>>17549611
Yes its hard, you have to try. There is no magic cure for long term behavioural and psychological problems, it takes effort. If you respond to everything with "but its hard" you'll never get better. Just take small steps.


There is a quote by Aristotle, that personality is just habit, and it is true, but habits take a while to form.

>>17549634
The hardest thing is that I don't know where to start and which way to go.

>>17549613
I'd rather not say. Why do you ask?

>>17549640
If the problem is rather severe, you might want to contact a professional.

>>17549662
I wouldn't say it's severe, just a lack of experience and too much experience of the wrong kind.

>>17549647
Look up borderline personality disorder. You tick the boxes.

>>17549682
Borderline people change their mood quickly. I meant black and white thinking as in judging everything that's not like I think it should be right, and black and white about what's right and wrong, but what I think is right out wrong doesn't change quickly.

>>17549549
But how can I not be?

>>17549682
This, op is borderline.

>>17549417
>Why am I
>My mother is like this
Good chance it's genetics. Sorry.
My dad's an antisocial jerk (schizoid) and no matter how hard i've tried, i can't seem to shake it. At the end of the day, i always just want to be alone.
It runs in his family. Strongly, it seems. If i have sons, statistically 50% of them will probably get it. Which is why it'll be a hard decision to have kids or not.

>>17549692
The anons suggesting BPD (borderline personality disorder) are off the mark.
NPD (narcissistic PD) would make much more sense, especially with your textbook NPD mother.
However, I certainly wouldn't say you have full-on NPD, since you're self-conscious about these tendencies, know they're wrong, and want to change them.
I'd suggest seeing a professional (psychiatrist and/or therapist) and telling them all this.
They can help greatly in many cases.

And I feel sorry for your dad. How's he doing these days then?
Try to keep in touch with him as much as possible, one parent is better than none.

>>17550350
I don't know how much of it is genetics and how much of it is due to exposure to bad behavior. My mother was really pushed down as a child, and bullied, so I kind of understand where this came from. I don't think my mother has NPD. More likely a warped wordview shaped by past traumas combined with religious bigotry and hypocrisy.

My father's depressed, he retired early. He's still together with my mom. Interestingly when she realizes he hurts my father, she's nice to him and quite supportive. She just can't trust him or let him do anything on his own, and everything he does is bad.

>>17550350
Also, I've been to a professional, they say I'm depressed. After a year of taking antidepressants, nothing happened.

You can't change anyone or control what they do. You're letting all these people make you miserable by existing. Let people be themselves and learn their own way through life. It's none of your business what other people do.

>>17550833
Oh, yes I can. You only need to know how to get into position. That's not my problem though.

My problem is that it generally causes misery, and I don't like that.

>>17550852
Ok. Good luck

>>17550874
Good luck for what?
I'm good at guilt tripping, emotinal blcakmailing and manipulating people to get what I want from them.

What makes me miserable is that I just can't tolerate if things aren't going my way. As I see it right.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling.

>>17549417
From reading your replies to people, I guess I can relate in some way. Being from an Immigrant family, but growing up with natives made me culturally a native. Later in my life my parents made a decision where they would send me to a school on the other side of the city and effectively filtering away from the people who I had grown up with and making my friendships very limited. My parents would also reinforce this idea that somehow the native people are inferior to us (they never said it this explicitly though).

After basically being isolated from the world around me for a few years, this left its mark on me as a child. After begging my parents to have me change schools, they agreed and that's when I had most of my problems.

As a child being brainwashed that the "normal" people around me are somehow inferior I developed this attitude of not wanting to get to know people on a personal level and while I had "friends", I never really had a real friendship.

All of this affected me until my mid-teenage years when I started rebelling like hell. At this point I had realised that my parents aren't the all-knowing creatures that they seemed to me for so long and through some pretty intense attempts to gain autonomy my parents started letting me do my own thing. At this point I started doing well in school, formed new friendships, started slightly opening up about myself and formed great friendships.

I guess my advice would be to show your parents that you are a person who is capable of taking care of yourself and simply standing up to their authority. At this point you must distance yourself from them to the point that your attention to them becomes something that should not be taken for granted. Of course I don't know what kind of a person your mother is and depending on how stubborn your mother is, your relationship might suffer greatly. The way you put it however, looks to me like your mother is a bad influence on you.

>>17549417
You may lack of life experiences, perhaps you are too young, however, diversity of life experiences (work in many jobs, love many people or friends, try different hobbies, being responsible of things or people) will give you a different perpective on how people react and will make you more perceptive about how and why they react in ways that make you cringe (maybe you would also be able to give them some good advice on that basis). Put yourself out there, learn to react and interact in different scenarios (obviously i'm not encouraging you to do stupid things or hard drugs). That may help in the long term.

>>17550432
>My mother was really pushed down as a child, and bullied
My mother was too (abused by her sociopathic stepfather, in a 3rd-world dictatorship for that matter), and she isn't a textbook case of NPD. She's far more social, saner, kinder, and more compassionate than my father, in fact.
People react to trauma in different ways. Some people use narcissistic defenses to cope. Your mother is one of them.
And remember the genetic component: my father and his brother grew up in a fairly normal, healthy household, yet they have significant cluster-B traits because they simply inherited them.

>>17550883
>I'm good at guilt tripping, emotinal blcakmailing and manipulating people to get what I want from them.
>What makes me miserable is that I just can't tolerate if things aren't going my way. As I see it right.
No surprise there.
>I don't know how to get rid of this feeling.
Go to therapy and hope it works. Keep trying. You can't be happy and at peace until you fix it, can only attain temporary pleasure by getting your way, and that's fleeting. Lasting happiness requires deep repair work on your psyche.

>>17549417
>My mother is like this and I can't stand her for this reason, but I believed too much of her antisocial bs, and can't get rid of it.

Yeah its totally your mothers fault. Now put that stick outta your ass and grow up. Take responsibility for your actions

>>17551212
I guess then I just need to rebel and get away from my parents then.

>>17551264
My problem with that is that I get way too easily bored with people and find it hard to connect with them.

>>17551338
I wouldn't say my mother is narcissistic that much. She's just careless, and thinks she knows life. Which is supported by evidence because she's successful.

The strange thing is that I don't do it for the pleasure. Just like my mom doesn't do it. I genuinely feel I'm protecting those people from their own stupidity and doing then a service, because I'm that sure I'm right and they're wrong. It's just that in the end I'm just hurting them.

I'd advice you to find people whom you are interested in and actually can connect with - and share getting to know one anothers weaknesses and strengths and work on developing an ability to see/feel what is important beyond that.

I'd go to a therapist and work on your emotional patterns and what sence/logic you do make, did make and then can make from your ways of experiencing the world.

Rebelling against your parents doesn't always bring any furhter sollutions but more confusement and loneliness. Ideal is to be able to communicate and express something more reliable. In the end you want them to be able to support you some ways - and I believe that rebelling has to happen for a strong felt coarse and trying to connect with that out of neccessity.

>>17552410
I find it very hard to socialize and connect to people. I think it's because of my perfectionism and judgement. I'm very bad at empathizing with others. I see right and wrong way too black and white.

Maybe you're right. I don't need to rebel, just build my life and try to be more accepting. It's just that I feel quite lost now.

>>17552410
It's strange. I just can't be happy around people and have fun with them. Like if I couldn't trust their brand of having fun.

I'm crazy.

"build my life and try to be more accepting."
Sounds like the right idea to me - and your experience of trying out what works for you is the progress.
“couldn’t trust their brand of having fun.” Sounds pretty normal to me and less crazy. The (main-stream) culture has a different influence on all of us, and your questions of how to connect with people seems like gold to explore!
I believe that as your experience increase it will be more clear and easier to bring your experimenting in certain directions of what feels beneficial to explore, or worth giving a shot.
You will come across people or ideas which can interest you, a start is to believe that it exists for you and the question is whether how to connect with it.
You are not the only one who feels lost, it is legit and something you can recognize, share and bond through as well (in the right circumstances).
I’d advice if you do decide to work with a therapist then look for one who appeals to you in work and person – and if you meet a therapist where you don’t feel like that, it can be included in the conversation and discovery.

"build my life and try to be more accepting."

Sounds like the right idea to me - and your experience of trying out what works for you is the progress.

“couldn’t trust their brand of having fun.” Sounds pretty normal to me and less crazy. The (main-stream) culture has a different influence on all of us, and your questions of how to connect with people seems like gold to explore!

I believe that as your experience increase it will be more clear and easier to bring your experimenting in certain directions of what feels beneficial to explore, or worth giving a shot.

You will come across people or ideas which can interest you, a start is to believe that it exists for you and the question is whether how to connect with it.

You are not the only one who feels lost, it is legit and something you can recognize, share and bond through as well (in the right circumstances).

I’d advice if you do decide to work with a therapist then look for one who appeals to you in work and person – and if you meet a therapist where you don’t feel like that, it can be included in the conversation and discovery.

>>17552741
Awkwardness and anxiety really doesn't help when I try to be nice. I'm always anxious about not hurting or manipulating others. It just comes too easily for me. It makes it hard for me to connect with anyone, or guess how to make them happy, like how to buy a present etc...
Thanks for your supporting words.

Yeah I know what you mean, - I believe that connecting with someone where it is okay to feel like that can bring some ease, or give circumstance to explore it safely without being choked from the feeling of having to live up to something at the same time.

I am happy to! Thank you for sharing your concearns (and creating a forum for it)

Good luck hunting ;)

>>17552815
Where can I find a person who is OK with this? I always feel I have to live up to something when I'm with others.

Do you have any experience with this?

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Just wanted to say NPD again. This entire thread and all of OP's posts practically scream it.

As for finding people you have some meaningful feelings for, those will generally fall into 2 categories:
1. Other antisocial and/or sociopathic people that you find sympathy and understanding with
2. People that are sweet, naive, and innocent, that the good voice in your head tells you to stay the hell away from

>>17552843
I do. See, i met a couple people last year, D and M.
Long story short, the contrast helped me realize that interacting with the 1st type (including D) made me a worse person over all, but that I had sought them out. That i had avoided the 2nd type, who had sought ME out, because i was afraid of myself.

Then there's M. An honest girl. What struck me was that i could let my guard down around her, since I had absolutely no desire to hurt or use her in any way. And that i didn't mind having her around.
That eventually led me to the realization that my approach towards others was, in a way, reciprocal: most people who interacted with me had tried to lie to me, hurt me, manipulate me, and generally use me for their own benefit. Due to my genetic birthright, i am simply better at that, and i saw through it all. Their behavior disgusted me: they taught me to look down on them. Even back on the playground, seeing the other little boys hurt animals and each other for fun. I felt the same urges they did, but i restrained myself. They didn't. They couldn't.

Helped me realize that I'm a man, not an animal. My instincts may tell me to hurt, exploit, and abuse people, but I don't have to follow them. I've denied them my whole life, and i'll continue to do so.
Now I'm at peace, in a way. I still avoid most people, because I still want nothing to do with them.
But i'm less afraid of hurting the good ones now. Still not enough to be fully comfortable with the 2nd type i mentioned, but enough for casual contact, and enough to learn not to hate myself quite so much.

>>17552953
Honestly, the voice in my head doesn't tell me to stay away from sweet and naive people. I just find them boring, and things usually go nowhere with them, or I want to help them overcome their naivity. With sociopathic people the same thing. They get boring fast, then I want to change them not to be sociopaths. I don't find sympathy or understanding with them.

I have no desire to hurt, abuse, or use any people though. I just see what they're doing as wrong. I can't value them, and I can't connect with them. I think too black and white, and I have a hard time being accepting, empathetic, and engaging with others.

because people are just as flawed as your dumb ass so you should cut them some slack. Unless you see them treat you, or other people like shit you should give them a chance.

>>17552992
Yeah, i got carried away writing about myself instead of thinking about you. The shit i said is from the ASPD side of things, while you're more on the NPD side.

And sure, like all the rest, you don't think you have any desire for that, since you think you're helping them. You think you're doing the right thing, that they're all just stupid and wrong, and you know best. But at the end of the day, it's not for their good, it's for your own hubristic gratification.
I've seen that shit up close, trust me. It ain't any better. Still leads to hurting and abusing people the same way in the end. Just "for their own good".
My dad used to tell us how bad he felt when he was beating us. How it was our fault he had to do it. How he was helping us, how we would understand when we were older. Think that made it hurt any less? NPD ain't much better than the alternatives.

Anyway, nothing in cluster B is particularly easy to fix, so you have a long-ass road ahead of you no matter what you want to call it. Some people like therapy, they say it helps. Didn't help me, but it's worth a try at least.

Good luck on your road forward.

>>17553273
I don't feel that they are stupid, just that they are wrong and hurting themselves and the people around them. I just can't see the good in what they do, and always want to correct it. I can't be accepting. I don't even feel gratified or great when I succeed, I just feel that things are going the right way. I can't describe that feeling better.

What motivates me is not greatness, it's being useful, and to find a place where I can be useful, I'm quick to judge a situation. I just can't take a break, and I'm always stressed about it. I always see everything as a performance.

I think you're just a social retard. Go out, socialize more, and go out with people. Things will stick. If you have a hard time not manipulating them, just try to calm your self down. Count to ten or something.

>>17552992
I find it as something more philosophycal rather than psychological, you have an actual problem or you're just another one lurking for attention, anyways;
You want to change, it's obvious, otherwise you wouldn't be here, just don't care, you won't change anyone, once people grow up and are not kids anymore it's really hard for you to induct them into reasoning, pointless, embrace the fact that our nature will lead to our downfall, embrace to fact that sooner or later it will happen, good or bad? who cares, do what you feel like doing

First you should quit blaming your family for what you feel are your own misgivings. It's up to you to mature on your own. Now you're probably still pretty young, but at some point, you'll realize it's a lot easier to live with an open mind and to be humble. Do you have a job? I noticed you said you were or are in school. You learn that you aren't always right when you have to work with others. Even if you aren't working with other people now, chances are you will eventually and you're just going to have to accept that they are who they are and you will have to deal with it. And really, it shouldn't be your concern how other people act or think anyway.

>>17554164
I'm not buying into this nihilistic bs, sorry. If something leaves me completely cold emotionally. This is.

>>17554197
I'm a fourth year medstudent. I will work with others, I know, but I'm not sure how I will respect them.

>>17549472
>>17549459

not him but holy fuck, we get it, you're a liberal

>>17549472
t. retarded SJW

Not sure if you're still around OP, and I'm not going to read the whole thread so apologies in advance if this has been mentioned already.

In my experience, 95% of the time people do this they are insecure and it is a way for them to feel like they have the edge over others. It's like you take them down in advance by pointing out their flaws to yourself. I did read enough to gather that you have had very few opportunities to interact with others as a kid.

People who have no confidence typically have a wrong idea of what it is. It doesn't mean thinking you're hot shit, it is a kind of base level trust that you're an okay person. That it's no big deal if you make a mistake, or do something not so nice as an exception, have an off day or nothing to contribute to conversation etc. That you are accepted as you are. This is typically something that grows if you have positive interactions with others and are in the process reassured over and over that you are part of the group and appreciated just for being you. Obviously this is really implicit and does not take the shape of Disney-level "I'm glad we're friends" moments, but rather a friend being quick to want you in their team when playing soccer, being invited to parties, someone sticking up for you when you get chewed out for fucking up.

If you lack this base level confidence, people can get stuck in the mindset that in order to be accepted by others, they need to excel in some way and be worthy of attention and affection. However, trying to validate yourself is very difficult, so it is easy to fall into the trap of tearing others down (even if only within your head). What you are essentially doing is undermining the power of their potential judgement over you, because who cares what some ugly ass loser thinks of you, right? So in this way you compensate for not having self esteem.

Just my take.