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I don't like myself
I'm so obsessed over being in control that I have developed a terrible fear of failure. Everything that happens to me or that occurs around me must be either expected or within my understanding or expectations so that I feel secure about it, if someone thinks something of me it must be because I acted in a way to make that person think that of me. There is nothing worse than having lies spread about me because that ruins all my efforts to try to dominate what people think about me. Everything I fail at has a reason that I immediately recognize and correct, so that people don't get the idea that my failure is due to a lack of knowledge ("I know everything, my fail was due to something external or because I didn't execute it as well, or because I lack practice...")
But eventually all lies run out and at the end of the day the only thing left is a husk that's either empty, unable to recognize who am I, or with such a disgusting mind that I rather continue with the pretension of being someone that I'm not. And the worst part is that in any case I'm just exceedingly mediocre at everything I do. I find myself being outperformed in everything I try to do except for one thing: deceiving.
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I understand and can relate to you because I have complex emotional issues. I just want you know I'm rooting for you (yes, really, I have the same type of issue) and you can figure this out.
One thing though, about your concern for being outperformed. It is natural to be concerned with being outperformed, because you're competitive, especially men. this is a nature-thing. The best way I can put it is that it's not all about being better or the best, and it takes a mature, honorable man to admit defeat and recognize another as superior. Like, a good loser is a million times better than a narcissistic winner. "Every man is superior to another in some way"
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>>17526808
Guess the only thing I have left is fucking killing myself then you fucktard
>>17526812
The thing is that it seems so natural for everyone else to be better than me at whatever they do better, be it being witty, writing, playing, studying... Like it takes no effort for them.
I would say that it links with having a disgusting mind: I always admit my shortcomings gracefully and without a complaint but deep inside I want to win a lot and brag about it
But thanks man
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>>17526793
sorry OP, I took one look at your picture and all I could think of is AYYYYYYYYREEEEEEOU AYYYYYYYREEEEEEEEEEEEOU
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>>17526830
Gotta love daggerfall
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>>17526823
>Like it takes no effort for them.
stop right there. this is one item that you must pay attention to, it is called "automatic thought". it is more or less an assumption that you create that has no proof, and is a result of the more negatively-minded thinking patterns that you're unfortunate enough to adopt.
Being proficient at a skill requires practice, hard work and determination. No exception. This is a fact. However, some people are truly gifted and they are in the minority. I used to be scornful and jealous of these people, and said that they have it easy (because they do) but I realized that was all pointless, and natural gifts like that are to be admired - that admiration which will only bring good vibes to you. I don't know how else to put it. Good things, beautiful things like gifts of talent/skill/beauty should make you feel good, especially if you LET them make you feel that way. But you might fight that because of the complicated underlying emotional issues we have which are different from person to person.
Don't say your mind is disgusting. The human mind is great, no matter how hindered. You want success because you haven't had enough of it and feel bad because of that.
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