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I really want to go to a gas station and get some ice cream but there is a part of me that is saying its too late and that I would wake people up and that the cashier would look at me weird for buying ice cream at 2am and my apartment neighbors would see me go out and come back in just for ice cream
but when im in my apartment i feel trapped, i just pace around if im not on the computer i feel like i have to be careful how much noise i make and im always feeling like people are listening in on my apartment or reacting based off what im doing, when i get in my apartment and close the door it doesn't feel like im in a walled off room it just feels like I entered a different place. same thing with my window even if its closed or open i still feel exposed
also every time i have to go inside my apartment, i have to walk in front of my neighbors see through door when the main door is open to let air in and i always feel a huge wave of shave or judgement specially if i am carrying groceries or food, they are always lounging in their living room and watching tv with friends, every time i leave my apartment i always check to see if their screen door is open or not, if it is i usually way a couple hours and they close it before they go to bed.
if i absolutely have to leave when their door is open i bring my backpack and basically hide everything i buy when im out inside the backpack so i dont have to carry it in the complex bare when i get back
i realize all of this insane and i should probably stop. what do i do
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You stop.
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Get ice cream you autistic homosex. There's a good chance the gas station attendant doesn't give a fuck
t. Gas station attendant
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ice cream sounds p good right now
wonder if casey's is open yet
anyway OP you overthink things, I know what that's like and I know it's hard to stop
but when you catch yourself doing this, you need to just pause the thought train for a minute and make a decision even if it means just flipping a coin. again, much easier said than done, but keep working at it
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op here
went and got the ice cream
definitely feel better now
still feel guilty but it feels good (im fat)
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>>17505341
I think the most important thing to take away here is this: not everyone in life is worth pleasing, and you don't have to prove to anyone what you've figured out about yourself. You know in your heart that carrying a bunch of groceries inside is a completely normal thing to do. If someone hates you for something that stupid, they're not worth your time. You don't need to make them happy. Everybody has to do it unless you're on food stamps and you're homeless (like me right now, posting from a local Starbucks).
Honestly you sound like you were abused as a kid, coming from someone who also was. That's not an insult, that's an observation. I didn't have it to this degree, but there can most certainly be overlap with OCD and the like. Fortunately, OCD is pretty treatable as a condition, like most anxiety disorders (ADHD and Tourette's are other big ones).
You're a better person than you think you are anon. Believe in yourself and don't let idiots write your internal monologue.
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