I couldn't communicate properly with the bf if my life depended

why don't you speak up if you're bothered?

>>17492682
it is all up to you really.
Base of every good relationship is communication.
If you aren't even willing to speak up, it is doomed to face.

>>17492690
I'll write down my thought process.

>oh, we just had sex and he didn't even make the slightest attempt to help me enjoy myself too. I should definitely tell him that's not satisfying and that i expect him to atleast pretend to care
>but wait, he did care but i rarely actually cum anyways so he probably has given up
>but he could still try. Maybe i just need time. Maybe we just have to experiment a bit more.
>meh, i sometimes need half an hour to achieve a shitty orgasm on my own. That's draining, exhausting and not worth it at all
>he would also feel like i'm putting him on the spot. Maybe he was just tired
>is it really worth that awkward talk if it might not even achieve anything if he tried harder? Nah
>i'll get over it

the end

I always have thise dialogues. They happen fast as fuck and the conclusion is always that it's not wirth it.

>>17492709
Do you fake having an orgasm?

>>17492701
I'm aware. That's why i'm seeking help.
It's not that i'm not willing. I just manage to convince myself that keep it in is the better option. Every. Single. Time. See above

>>17492711
I have faked once, because he really tried and i knew it wasn't going to happen anytime soon and i just wanted it to be over without him feeling like a failure. But i don't fake normaly

>>17492717
Don't do that, or he'll never know you have a problem.
Have you ever reached orgasm with him?

>>17492712
try to talk to him about it BEFORE you actually do it and not afterwards. Unless he is a massive douchebag he also wants you to get enough pleasure out of it.

>>17492717
You really need to talk about it, but gently. I was in the opposite boat with my GF at first. She was very self conscious and didn't know what to do to get me off, but u could get her off every time. Eventually we had a talk where I showed her what I liked and what I wanted. We both understood that sexual health is an important part of the relationship. You should talk to him, tell him what you want, make it fun. Extend the foreplay.

>>17492719
Yeah, i know. It was when we first started to have sex. I've never done it again and don't plan to in the future. Yes, i have. The problem is not actually him or his lack of skills. It's my own but i haven't found a solution that works. Working on it, but i got nothing so far.
However, sex is just one area. The communication problem goes trough all areas.

>>17492721
That was just an example. He's not a douche, just discouraged af. Can't blame him...

>>17492723
Problem is that it's not about "what i want or need". And if it is, i haven't found out what i want or need myself. It's not about lavk of foreplay or something. My orgasm-machine is just broken.
It sucks because it's really starting to have an impact on our sex. It has detoriated to him just getting off quickly and get it over with. It's not how he is. It's just that everything else seems pretty pointless.

>>17492725
Your solution would be finding a way for you to cum fast.
Are you on hormonal meds? Have you tried different positions, or a vibe? Is there something you enjoy particularly, out of all the sex you have with the bf?

>>17492736
this isn't about my orgasm difficulties. And yes, i tried all that and a phlethira if other approaches. It's not a physical thing. It's a mental block and i can't figure out how to solve it. Not yet.
And no, it makes zero difference how we have sex. It makes a difference, what mood i'm in, but he has not much controle over that.

I just want to find a way to have proper communication. The way it is now is not good. It seems very doomed

If you have a hard time talking to him directly, write it down.

You might want to let him know that you have this problem with communicating. It's unfair (and can get tiresome) to put the burden of figuring out what you want onto him, but it can also be helpful if he tries to prompt you to express your needs until you understand that it's ok for you to do and that he's going to be receptive.

Being able to speak up and say what you want is very, very important so don't just let this go.

If the problem is you, you are the only one that can fix it.
If you really care for this relationship you have to face the fact you have to let him know what is bothering you . Or else he would just assume that 1. There are no problems at all with your relationship or 2. you don't care enough about the relationship to even bother fixing it.
The longer you wait the more critical would become when you tell him about how things that he has been doing in the relationship aren't really working and he would just feel confused and maybe angry.
Is he even open to dialog or is the kind of person doesn't like to compromise?

>>17492749
I think this is a good Idea.
Why don't you try to write down here what do you want to tell your boyfriend and we could help you but giving you feedback on it.

>>17492743
Yeah, well, the communication can be easy to solve, the orgasming not so much.
You can force yourself to tell him, every time you have that self-defeating conversation with yourself you'll know you'll HAVE to tell him what problem you have. Even if it's not that important, you can also tell him about those self-conversations and that you have to tell him because you want those to stop.
You can't force an orgasm, or at least not as easily. With some ropes and power tools, I guess you could.

>>17492733
the difficulty in the sex area might be due to other issues, and maybe it's because of the comunication thing you mentioned.

>>17492743
Yeah, communication is very important.
"Communication being on a list of skills required for a good relationship is as silly as Oxygen being on a list of things required to stay healty" I once read. And it's true.
In the two relationships I had, after a few months I had somehow lost the ability/courage to actually open myself up to my partner with my problems. It really was a question of courage, and the fact that it is may be indicative of a lack of trust on my side. If I had brought up said courage to even go "Can we talk about something?", my heart would've gone pounding of nervousness while doing so.
I'm not sure this is a problem for you as well, cause >>17492709 sounds like a very logical/rational train of thought. What I do get from that post is that you're very unsure about that specific issue (sex), and you don't know what you want. Insecurity, so you feel hesitant about opening up yourself to him, cause when he asks "What do you want?", you won't have an answer to him. And that is not a funny situation to be in.* Maybe you should indeed write down what you want to say to him. But don't write it down to then show him, but instead for you, to get an order into your thoughts and what you want to say. Being forced to bring your big wobbly thing in your head into a linear structure and spelling the things out might teach you something. Communicating about such things is difficult, there's nothing wrong with trying different things to find out how to do it. Also, if you actually do that, give yourself a pat on your shoulder, cause you went and gave a try at dealing with the problem.

* I personally think we as a society should be much more open to just admit when we have no idea what's going on about something. Allow ourselves to be puzzled about things.

>>17492749
He's actually in the military atm. Would it be a good idea to write him letters? Maybe i could be more open on paper... Or is this a really, really dumb idea?

>>17492752
Problem is that he's not great with communication either. I have told gim i suck at it. We both do. We kind of just went with it instead of finding a solution.

>>17492754
Hum, i nees to tell him that we need to find a solution for out sexlife. And i nees to tell him that he needs to stop running to mommy and daddy all the time. It's driving me insane.

>>17492758
That's good advice! Thanks! If i start to reason myself out of saying something i'll try to just say it anyways next time. Good way to detect the important stuff. Or so i hope...

>>17492782
>That's good advice!
So... power tools?

>>17492776
Oh, i know that pounding heart all too good. If i actually do speek up it feels like the world is ending around me. Ofc it never does, but that fact doesn't make it any easier the next time.

That is exactly it. I don't have an answer for him. He has asked me so many times and i just have to tell him that i "don't know". Maybe he has interpreted that as "won't tell you" and thus gave up. That tgought of yours, that i might just have to admit to him that i have no idea what's going on seems like it might actually show him that i DO carr and that i DO want to find a solution but are pretty lost. Maybe that will get him back on track to find a solution together. Thanks a lot, anon! I'll also give writing it down a try. It already helps to type all this out for adv, and today i actually tried to siort my thoughts about that on my run. I decided that that was soemthing i should do more often. I seemed to be able to get to the roots of the problem better

>>17492789
Kek, please no!

I was talking about the "telling him about the self convos". Should have clarified

>>17492709
I do this too, but there's a lot of value in communicating your needs anyways. The point at which you're failing is the "is it worth it, nah". Just say hey, I'm having trouble getting off, not your fault, but I need your help.

You're very understanding, which is great - but being understanding doesn't preclude expression of your needs.

>>17492782
>Would it be a good idea to write him letters?

Ok maybe I wasn't clear enough. The point of writing down what you want to communicate with him is to give you a mechanism TO LET HIM KNOW what you are thinking since you can't bring yourself to talk to him. So, yes, you would need to actually let him READ what you've written.

I don't know what "He's actually in the military atm" means in terms of how often you see him. I think it would be better if you could write down what you need to tell him, hand it to him to read, and then try to have a discussion (or to be able to clarify what you wrote) right afterward.

If he's stationed somewhere far away and you're not going to see him for six months, sending him a letter like "hey, remember a couple months ago when we were having sex and you just thrust into me a few times then came and rolled over and went to sleep? I'm not really into that so much." is probably not going to be productive.

>>17492782
If he's in the army and you're in a nation where that's serious business, he will very much appreciate a letter (here it's tradition to make a packet full of sweets and stuff like that). But I would think twice about putting your problems into a letter like this, cause it might eat away at him. Sitting in the barracks and getting a letter that things aren't great at home is not much fun.

here's an interesting idea, OP: Just show him this thread.

>>17492831
You're right, i am shutting him out woth that tactic. I should let him in on those trains of thoughts.

>>17492837
Oh, ok. That makes more sense. I don't want to alarm him or make him feel like shit

>>17492848
Where are you from? We have that tradition too. But i agree, a letter like that isn't a good idea. I see him once a week but only briefly. That's one reason our communication is pretty much inexistent. The little time we have, i don't want to spend making him feel bad because i'm not happy with our sex.

>>17492906
I wouldn't dare that. I would be afraid it would hurt him to read that i can talk about this to strangers but not to him

>>17492682
Here's your chance OP. Practice on us.

Tell me, what's bothering you?

>>17492925
>i don't want to spend making him feel bad because i'm not happy with our sex.
It's all about the spin you give it.
>Sex with you = bad, find a solution
that's a good way to become single soon
>Our usual sex isn't working for me, I want to try something new (insert suggestions here)
that might get you an enthusiastic response instead.

>>17492964
You haven't read the thread, don't you? I don't think he needs to find a solution. It's just that i have zero suggestions for him on how to make it an enjoyable experience for both of us.

>>17492933
All of the above. It's bothering me that he's away so much that i feel like i can't shit up the few moments we have by bothering hin with heavy stuff like "hey, i can't enjoy our sex and i have no idea how we could change that". For example...

>>17493003
Those were just examples, to underline how the proper or wrong spin can change a message, not suggestions.
I thought you didn't need suggestions, anyway.

>>17493021
Oh well. Yes, i do need suggestions. I'm pretty much lost...

>>17493035
Weeeeell...
>>17492798

Anyway, you said it's a mental block, and that you have it when masturbating on your own too.
To keep it practical, maybe read some erotica and see if anything sticks?
But you probably have already done that.

>>17493071
Yes, ofc i have.
Meh, i know what's the problem. I have very bad body dismorphia and am extremely uncomfortable selfconscious with, about and in my body in general and all the time. I've been to therapy but it didn't help a single bit. And i went twice a week for a year and i took it very seriously and tried to find a solution. Back to the beginning again and again.

>>17493071
Fuck, meant to link
>>17492789 instead of >>17492798
just switch the last 2 numbers, ok?

>>17493090
I'll switch them. But only because it's you. And still, no thanks to the power tools. Is this some kind of fetish of yours?

>>17493097
Not really, it was the first thing that came to mind and I'm running with it.
Physically forcing someone to orgasm sounds like a bad idea anyway, that's bound to irritate the skin if not worse.

>>17493113
Well, i like to watch forced orgasm porn, so there's that. But i wouldn't want to actually try it. Looks uncomfy af

For $50K a year Columbia will teach you how to communicate better than anyone! After getting you Comm degree $200K later, plus another $20K per year to live in new york (all together that's just south of $300K) you'll know exactly what to say to your boyfriend, and how!

>>17493157
I think they might teach you about presentation, sales or business communication. I might have to get a degree in relationship communication. Hey, maybe i should do that. I could then pester all my friends to come to me with their relationshits since i'm now certified to do couples therapy! Yaay!

>>17493157
And you know they're the best at it because they just convinced you to waste $300K!

>>17493187
Perfect! That's exactly what i want. Convince my bf to waste 300k.

>>17493192
Is THAT your fetish?
Have we solved the fucking enigma?

>>17493003
>i have zero suggestions for him on how to make it an enjoyable experience for both of us

I think what you should talk to him is about what would make an enjoyable experience for YOU.

Unless he really just doesn't care (as opposed to not knowing wtf he should be doing) he's probably going to be pretty ok with you needing a half hour of sexy touching, oral sex, or whatever in order to have an orgasm.

Even if you don't have an orgasm though, if you want the touching/foreplay because that feels good just on its own, let him know.

>>17493216
Damn, i came buckets just thinking about him throwing money out the window. You saved my sexuality, anona! Thabks so much!

>>17493235
I did let him know that i enjoy him fingering me, giving me oral or whatever, pretty much. It feels good but doesn't get me to the point of no return. I just feel pressured to orgasm to "reward him for his efforts", which obviously is very unproductive. I told him i still enjoy it even if i don't cum, but i know it bothers him if i don't. So it bothers me, which makes it impossible to cum. It's a vicious cycle

>>17492682
because ur scared of getting hurt again

>>17493249
Explain?

OP
>I can't communicate with my boyfriend
4chan community
>You just need to cum

lmao

>>17493243
It's kind of hard for some guys to understand that sex can be enjoyable without orgasm. It's about making YOU feel good, not about you having an orgasm to make him feel like a stud.

The reason to do it is because you enjoy it and it makes you feel good. That's not pointless just because there's no orgasm at the end.

It can help to let him know you're having a good time by making noise, saying so ("this feels good"), whatever.

OP, I know a married couple who is like the way you're describing now.

If you're not happy or it doesn't suit what you ideally want from a relationship, either suck it up and tell him how you feel and how you can't say anything to him, or break it off... or do whatever you want, hell. This is only advice, and nothing more.

Anyhow, it's your own anxiety that's stopping you. Unless he has done something that showed that he genuinely doesn't care about you, then I say talk.

Or not. Fuck, you already get it. Just do something. Or not ad watch how it affects you relationship (good, unchanging, or bad I won't say for I know nothing). End of story.

Good luck.