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P1
I'm In a weird situation /adv/. I didn't realize how absurd my situation was until recently. I'm currently twenty, I'm a former loser, lower middle class, pot burnout. I experienced a great deal of isolation the past four years, however I studied mathematics, read as many books as I could, and studied the stock market, statistics, and some popular models. All while flunking Algebra 2. This was due to my lack of social life, I've never had a real friend. My looks are decent so I've had my share of lovers, but I'm difficult to like. Last year I was at my lowest, coming off of a break up with the only person I spoke to besides my parents sent me Into a great depression. So I started walking around my city, looking for a job ( I had heard a lot of great stock traders just walked Into the lobby to talk to anybody even secretaries. After three months I got a meeting, I was called back a week later to have a meeting with executives of a this financial firm to talk about employment In New York City. Long story short I signed a contract that would require me to move to NYC, work for them for five years with a salary that's quite high, has bonus', and increases yearly. I moved here a year and a half ago, and I feel more lonely and sad then ever before. A year ago I had 500 dollars to my name, now I have a nice apartment, a Tesla, and some work friends. But I'm on the spectrum, somewhere on It. I don't look like It but I have many aspergers traits but am able to contain them with great discomfort. This bottling of my natural emotions has led to me developing a "mask" so to speak. An exterior reflection that Isn't reflective at all of myself. I have no girlfriend, I thought I did but It she just wanted fun money. I feel like I shouldn't be here. That I should've gone to community college with my shit grades and not be apart of this industry.
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>>17492057
Put a TLDR at the end
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p2
My morning routine Is now nearly robotic. I wake up, moisturize ( Have purple bags from insomnia and depression), 100 jumping jacks, an hour on the treadmill, shower, walk to work, smoke about half a pack In that four hour period. Get to work and pace around watching tickers and sitting at my computer. Everyone here hates me because I was brought In on a "special" exception. So I make more than my boss. I don't know how I can keep living like this. Coworkers ( Everyone Is close knit ) want me to go to high class parties with high class people. I used to be a socialist. I don't know how I got here. But I just want to make It out alive. And I don't think I can without anyone In my life. I come home, smoke about a gram of weed, drink nyquil and jerk off. Then shower and sleep. I've lost all my empathy and sympathy. I don't know If I can feel anymore. Homeless people ask me for money every day on my walk to work and I just avert my eyes. The only human thing I do Is check on my elderly neighbor and get her groceries If she needs them. And I don't know why I even do that. Have I sold my soul to the devil? its starting to feel like it.
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>>17492065
I don't think I can even begin to tldr this.
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>>17492068
>>17492057
Thanks for a good read during work. Today is actually my second day on my first job ever, and I'm afraid I could be slowly slipping into the kind of life you currently live. Reading your posts while sitting at my desk felt strange, especially since some of the things you mentioned hit close to home when compared to my life. I'm 20 as well, and even though I consider myself to be an anarchist at heart, I'm doing ephemeral bureaucratic work for the government; things like ordering documents, putting them into files and generally doing nothing. It's good money though, and if I manage to spend my time at work wisely I'll be able to better at university, maybe even better than before I had the job, since studying at work is easier than doing it at home. Regardless, I think that my current issues with life in general are similar to yours in a way. In terms of my social life, I actually have very good friends in which I could confide with almost anything, but as you said, my own private self is very distant from the one I wear"in public in some regards, although I wouldn't separate them as "real" and "fake" personas, just two sides of the many that compose who I am. I'm not really sure what I'm doing in this thread. Maybe I needed to talk about my current situation just as you did, but for some reason I felt empathetic towards your current situation. I wish I could smoke a cigarette with you during my break, you know? By the way, doing shit like that is what is keeping me from going crazy nowadays, and now that I think about it. We all struggle with life and help each other deal with it, which usually culminates in partying, getting drunk and high and having sex together.
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