I cannot stop being a terrible person in general, specially to

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help me

clearly your only option is to go trans

>>17475480

Thats a girl anon, Ive seen it myself!

Shes some russian cosplayer!

>>17475487
no i mean you

it'll give you something else to worry about and do as a hobby

imagine shopping for makeup and ordering hormones! being secretive! the excitement and shame!

you've probably thought about it already, havent you?

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>>17475343
Did you parents divorce when you were young, OP? Or is your dad in the picture at all?

I ask because I sometimes catch myself being a dick to my mom in situations where she needs help or isn't feeling well.
One of the worst things I ever did was angrily tell her "no" when she was sick and asked me to take her to the ER. She ended up driving herself. I still feel like shit whenever I think on it.

Digressing though, there's definitely some sort of psychological damage involved here. Do you get a sick thrill from treating your mom this way DESPITE feeling bad after? Or do you feel like you're in control or "cold" for behaving that way?

>>17475501

My dad left my mother roughly around the time when I was born, eventually they got divorced. So no, hes not in the picture, I still see him sometimes, but I've always felt detached from him, probably due to not growing with a father figure, so he doesn't want anything to do with her.

About your questions, I am not sure. I don't think I can give an exact answer now that you mention it like that. I just feel nothing, anxious to get back to whatever I was doing, as if I was wasting my time. I want to emphasize on the first thing, there's times when I cant feel a thing, nothing at all, just apathy and mixed feelings although some other times I do remember feeling some sort of pleasure (?) if you want to call it like that? but I am not sure of this last bit.

I just don't know, I wasn't like this before. I mean I've always felt hatred towards people and women in general, mainly due to jealousy and narcissism, them having friends, relationships and what not, stuff like that. I still do to this day, specially women, since they would never want anything to do with me.

But mom is a different thing and I don't believe she deserves anything of what has happened to her.

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>>17475528
Ah, I see. My parents divorced when I was a kid, and while I still saw my dad a few times a month, he became really distant after the divorce and treated my sister and I like a financial obligation rather than his children.

But yeah, I feel it might be a psychological issue that stems from not having a father figure. I too often feel like I'm wasting my time helping her out with even the most miniscule of favors. There are times where I could give two shits about her or anyone. But I feel bad soon after shrugging her/telling her off.

Was your mom ever cold to you or abusive in any form? Not necessarily physical, but maybe verbally?

>>17475551

She's got a mouth and when she gets pissed she just never stops throwing insults, related to me, my father, college.

A thought crossed my mind today, but probably I am exaggerating it since I am kind of in a depressed mood atm, how I just feel she and my sister have always expected bad things out of me. Mom might say otherwise, and maybe thats the truth.

But it has always been as if I am just going to mess things up. Occasionally when shes mad she just repeats how ''I am going to fail at college again'' and even tho shes said that so many times that it doesn't have the effect it used to have, I just wish sometimes I had been encouraged during my growth to pursue and do other things, that way I wouldn't be such a mess today probably. Now I can barely talk to me, often run away from interaction and just can't connect with anybody without feeling awkward and confidence just goes up and down.

She's done more good than bad to me. The fact that she took care of me and gave me my education, that alone just gets rid of any of the bads in my book, even tho my conduct doesn't show it, and even tho I behave the way I do, when I am alone and I get up close and personal with myself, I realize that I do care for her and that the things I did will have a great weight on me for the rest of my life.

At this point I cannot get rid of the guilt. I believe it will stay there till I am gone. I wish for nothing, I just fear for myself and thats it.

>>17475343

you probably feel resentment because you feel a lack of control in your environment, and you believe that certain factors in your environment are responsible for your state (your mother).

You have to shift your locus of control. Most people believe that they are not in control of their lives, that certain things outside of their control are what is limiting them from reaching their goals and potential.

What you have to do is shift your mindset to being one of active, inward action expressed outward.

Instead of complaining about your situation, or how down in the dumps you are because of x,y,z, instead start thinking about "how can I solve this, I will solve this" and then focus on executing a plan of attack to solve it.

Basically, focus on actionable, problem solving solutions to your predicaments. This will give you a feeling of control over your environment, lift your depression, and solve many of the problems you currently face.

You may also have a negative view of your mom because of constantly having to take care of her. Try doing positive things with her to solidify better emotions between you two.