Why can't I be cold and aloof like you? Why can't I

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I love power. I love the buzz that comes with even a little bit of it. I've never abused my power, but just knowing that I can sometimes gets me through the day. In my first job as a clerk for a city department I had the power to levy hundreds of dollars in fines, process paperwork to send out a bench warrant for someone, or to wipe all of that away if I felt like being merciful. Sometimes when someone I was dealing with was being particularly irate, I just thought of how easy it was, sitting there with complete control over their accounts, their records, and their personal info, I could arrange to have them arrested and forced to pay hundreds of dollars in fines with it looking like it was their fault and even if they could prove otherwise never have it traced back to me. Just knowing that I could was enough, I never did it though I was sorely tempted to.

I've fixed fines for low income families. I've cut privileges to spoiled, entitled assholes who think that money equates to power. I've dined with mayors, state congressmen, and political PAC chairmen. I know that I'm smarter than half of them, and they know it too. Both sides of the aisle have been grooming me for years.

I know that now that I've had even the barest taste of it I can never go back to being just a normal guy.

>>17473547
Every time something stressful, or unpleasant happens in my life I start to think of suicide. This has never happened before, I dont think im suicidal, I dont think id ever actually do it, but some nights when im trying to go to sleep I cant help but think about all the different angles I could point a barrel of a gun to my head and which one would be the least painful and most effective. I've been told by other people I should go to a shrink, but I feel like they're all scams. I dont want to be medicated to the point where I dont feel anything anymore, Id rather be tremendously sad than completely numb.

Fuck everyone. I want to be cruel. I want to rid myself of following the golden rule. It's a fucking scam. I wish heartless.

I want you to rely on me.

YOU NEVER TELL ME. YOU NEVER TELL ME WHAT I'M DOING WRONG UNTIL YOU'VE ALREADY FUCKING STORMED OFF INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE A HUMAN BEING YOU FUCKING CHILD.

I can't tell when people honestly support my work or if they're just taking pity on me.

I suddenly can't stop thinking about killing myself. I can't tell if anyone can see it or not. I wish someone would try to talk to me. But that's not going to happen. It doesn't make a lot of sense because things are generally good right now and I have things I have wanted. But suddenly I feel so alone.

>>17473638
I've gone to a shrink twice for suicidal thoughts (twenty years apart, with wholly different life circumstances). Each time I asked if there was something they could give me to make me feel better. Each time, they said that they believed it better that I go unmedicated. It turns out that shrinks tend not to prescribe antidepressants for anyone feeling suicidal, because there's a chance that the meds could make things worse instead of better.
DESU, neither shrink was a miracle worker, but the first one who helped me did a good job. I had some group therapy for something (seemingly) unrelated that ended up helping things a lot - self-improvement techniques for things like school and work performance end up teaching you how to think differently about yourself and about life. You might try looking for some sort of group therapy for dealing with stress: you might find the techniques you learn for planning things differently and thinking about yourself really help deal with life.

I do not wish to rely on you. I don't wish to rely on anyone. I've never even got the hint that you wanted me to rely on you. But I don't wish to rely. If you wish for something like that, then be my equal instead. One day, show me that you will stand at my side

>>17473849
And how could I reciprocate? Will you be reliable? For what? To be there for me, as I would for you? Or to hurt me?

He makes me really happy, but if he's not around I feel miserable. As soon as he looks at me, I feel amazing and on top of the world. I feel like he feels it too. Like it's new, even when it's not

I'm tired of you treating me like crap and giving excuses and lies. I'm tired of this fucking relationship, it's a hassle. The only reason I'm in it is because I pity you, you're far too dependent on me and you suffer when I'm not with you. All you do is push me down and spit at me. In the end I'm only around because it benefits you you fucking cunt. I'm tired of you please get out my fucking life and live your own.

>>17474341
I'm tired of repressing all my feelings because you're too fucking stupid to change and too fucking high on your ego to believe I a human fucking being have emotions. You think you want me to open up but all you want is an emotionless brute. You call me a brick wall because that's what you fucking want, a person with no problems because you're far too worried with your bullshit problems and more than happy to spill them on me. And god forbid I ask you to stop doing something I don't like because then I woud be "Changing you" "you don't love me for me." I don't love you at all you fucking asshole I used to love you but now I know how toxic you truly are and have wasted years upon years of my time and health.

I hate my family and sometimes I think I'd rather be homeless than continue living with them. They've done nothing but cause problems and hold me back. All of their problems would go away if they stopped acting so fucking stupid but they never learn.

Once I move out I'm never coming back. They'll be lucky if I even call.

I miss my girlfriend. She's not gone or anything, but I'm at work bored and she just got off orientation for her new job, so she's tired and taking time to herself.

Just wish we could talk. I'm seeing her tomorrow but I miss her a lot now

>>17474341
Don't stay with someone who spits at you !
You portray yourself as the selfless one

>>17474381
I have my faults of course, I get angry easily and lose my temper sometimes, which result in a lot of arguing but they'll never amount to the shit she's done to me. She talks about other guys around me like I'm a fucking cuck and when I get angry she turns it around to me being a jerk. She only ever apologizes when I mention it. And she has the mindset of a child. These are only things that have angered me this morning, not to mention things that happen EVERY FUCKING DAY I've changed alot over the years to make her happier, I've calm down my anger, I've become more understanding of her mental problems. But she doesn't know what she wants. She's abusive, manipulative, and so much more, she's like a sale at Walmart, you buy one problem you get the whole fucking family pack free. I honestly do love her I think but a man can only take so much, and I've been taking so fucking much for too damn long. I'm sick of it.
And to top it off I listen to ALL her problems but when it's my turn to express mine it's like a hassle for her. This is why I've always been closed with my feelings with her, she THINKS she wants me to open up but she doesn't she's too stuck in her little fantasy world, sometimes it's hard to believe shes a fucking adult.

Why the fuck do I feel anxious about classes beginning in a week and a bit.


It's not being nervous about class it self, but more so about relationships I think?

>>17473547
One day you're going to wake up and realize you're alone. You'll realize that the only reason anyone tolerated you was because you were useful. You might push it down, you might tell yourself I'm lying, but you know it's true. That's why you work so hard in the first place.

Deep down you know there's something wrong with you. Something that keeps people from loving you. Instead you treat it like a character or an act, because hey, that way at least you can pretend it's on purpose, right?

But I fucking know you. Deep down there's nothing worth loving and you know it.

The thought of you staring at the walls from your bed after your grandkids drop you off to rot in a retirement home because they can't stand you makes my job bearable.

I hope you live long enough to find out just how deeply unloved you really are.

>>17474469
What did he/she ever do to you?

>>17474469
Wow even I feel bad

You brought me in by promising the winds of change but all I got was more shame, now your voice is drowned in the static and I feel I'm to blame. Lured in countless times shielded off I still fell victim to the lie. I just wish I could wake from this life. Either I hate myself or I hate the idea of who I am but misery is my only company. Feelings of loss and hopelessness sounded by anger and misguided frustration. Lashing out on myself because nobody will ever stay close enough to get burned by my hatred. I gave you an answer before you asked for guidance and I showed you the direction before you asked your question and yet I'm all that remains as you've left as so many others. Pretend its because of love but really it was just denial you never felt an ounce of respect you were just obsessed. Love or hate, lies or the truth its all the same in the end when your just a sad lonely excuse. Never a reason to do better only self destruction and harsh weather. I finally tore down my walls for you and you just built them back up and I'll never forget that you gave up on me after saying so much. I'll never let go of this, its my fault in the end I let it happen. The drink burns the same weather its celebration or regret, if I keep at it maybe I'll even forget.

>>17474398
You said you love her, but your words were abusive. You just told her you did not and that you do not gain from the relationship? So why are you with her? And if that's not true, then why be abusive in saying it? Your saying she's abusive and manipulative but not why - only that she has talked about other guys. If she actually chested on you then why are you with her?

>>17474469
just because you don't love someone, or they can't love just anyone, doesn't mean no one does or that they don't love

I hate it. Where I've put myself. The time I've wasted. The chances I've screwed. My parents. My siblings. And my lack of money. And know how. and My shitty job. And my shitty co workers.

I want a new start. But I don't even have enough to do that. Not enough money, smarts, or connections. I really want to kill myself or run away. I'm too chicken shit to do even that.

>>17474469
Pssshhh, like I'm ever gonna have grandkids or even live much beyond 55.

>>17473547
For the love of fucking god when you take your first dose wait about an hour and take a half dose of what you took previously.

I've accomplished nothing, and nobody I've met is better off for having known me.

All the attempts at romantic relationships I've made in the past few months have failed and I don't know what I did wrong.

>>17474747
holy fuck dat number >7474747

>>17473547
Fine, I'm a loser. I'm a loser! I don't really know what you want me to say. I don't want a big house or a nice car or a fancy job. I don’t value you the same things you do.

You know what, though? I'm happier than you are. My job isn’t glamorous, but I’m damn good at it. I have time to follow my passions and interests *and* I have the money to do it. My tiny house is paid off, my land is paid off, I make my own money and save it wisely.

I just wish you were happy for me. Me, my dogs, my beat up civic, all of it. I’m in a better place than most people my age. Why couldn’t you just be proud? That’s all I ever wanted.

I'm in my late twenties, severely depressed (actually diagnosed) and I've recently found out I have cancer. I've since pushed everyone away so I can wither and die harming the least amount of people.
Life just isn't fair. 2016 truly is a shitty year, at least I find solace it'll likely be my last one.

>>17474746
When you have no tolerance anymore its extemely hard to gage it... Just saying

I broke up with you because you were asking for it

You treat your friends like second rate acquaintances, you put on weight, you're always depressed, and you shave over half your hair and dye it pink? What did you expect me to do

You deserve somebody but I can't help you girl, you dun fucked up

Look, it's already annoying enough that you landed a $25/hr support desk job because you successfully lied about a connection. Literally anyone could do that job and for some reason this company pays twice what it should.

You should draw the line at hiding at work so you can text me complaints about it. Jesus christ. You have it completely made; you got a $50k/yr job with insurance and you don't even have a college degree. Don't fucking complain to me about your coworkers talking down to you that one time.

I'm 22 and I still suck at relationships. I have no IRL best friends, my online friends don't ask me what's up and even if I write suicidal things on my private account, people don't care. Yet I'm always there for them when they need it or say similar things.
My ex tried to file me for deportation while I was visiting for vacation and my exfriend and his friends ganged up on me over some stupid fucking grudge.

Nobody fucking knows how to be in solidarity with someone at fucking all.

I'm tired of having to lie to my dad that I'm ok when I'm not because I feel so spoiled and entitled as well as embarrassed when I'm not. I don't want to burden him and if I could, I would switch names to not fucking bother anyone else in my life ever. He's the only parent I have left and I would honestly kill myself if I lost him, but I don't want to make him sad anymore, I don't want to show him that I am invulnerable and that I have no support group of friends.

I thought I was fine when my therapist told me I didn't need more therapy and now I feel like a hypocrite and feel like they're the only person who would care because they are paid. Nobody would fucking listen to me for once unpaid or w/o some other incentive.

I feel the only reason to go back to therapy it seems like it would be to change my behavior for others, over and over and over AND OVER AGAIN when in fact they're the insensitive, insufferable assholes. I feel like I need it now for study and university purposes though because being "mentally not ok" is not an excuse and capitalism only sees me as some human working vessel.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the anxiety of knowing nobody can trust me or that I can't trust anybody.

>>17474841
vulnerable* my bad.

But yeah I came back here only recently because I'm at my lowest again.

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>Depression made me a recluse
>Being a recluse made me distant from my friends
>being distant from my friends led to my crippling loneliness
>crippling loneliness has led to an even more severe depression

What a fucking life

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>>17474942
Just remember to be yourself, get new hobbies, and talk to girls dude!

It's a good thing you never got back to me, I was dangerously close to feeling good about myself for a bit.

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>>17474956
>be yourself

T-thanks

I know that I will probably not get with her, but I still hold onto hope that I will. Even though she seems almost mildly autistic. (highest level of functioning)

I still think about what could have been if I played my cards differently.

I still think that it can happen in a few months time maybe

I have lost the respect of my coworkers completely at this point. I am hurt, disgusted, and disappointed but you can't change the clock. They don't respect me anymore. Time to leave by 2017

I'm worried she's losing interest in me. I wish she would express something.

Should I be worried that a journal entry meant to vent might make someone upset at me? Keep in mind no one is to see this but me. I take things personally sometimes, and I cant tell the difference, I saw something that bothered me....I'm kind of afraid actually. I don't understand if there is an underlying message behind it all, or someone just really won't be open with me. I know I'm an idiot and I cant persuade other peoples minds. But I'm very afraid atm...Might be the paranoia kicking in, not sure. I plan to keep my mouth shut, I just really need an outlet for what I'm feeling, its never meant as an indirect threat or message to anyone .-. what gives...panic attack, can't sleep

I keep thinking too much, I just need to relax. Watch something that makes me happy and enjoy life right?........*nervous laughter*

>>17475181
You'll be fine, Alice.

>>17475027
Also, before anyone says to just do it.

I did try, back in April. Said yes, then a friend tagged along (I suspect he wanted her, and forced his way in)

I have kept in contact with her since, we did agree to do something over summer, but that fell through.

Now classes are begining in just over a week.

I've completely given up on the idea of a long term relationship. I disappear for days or months at a time whether I would want to or not.

Would probably just actively ghost them over small things anyway. Like I'm not going to tell them how to live their life and I'm not going to stick around if they're making decisions I think are wrong.

Short term stuff was usually more fun anyway. Kinda sucks making a final decision like that though.

>>17474016
This is what I wanted all along. When I had to rely on you, you called me a pussy and refused. When I was depressed you called me crazy. When I wanted space you accused me of turning my back on you when you needed me most. You made all those stupid decisions by yourself. You could never see past your monstrosity of an ego and figure out that everything wasn't all about you. I don't care about any of it, what's happened is partly my fault, I've owned up to it. You've not managed a word. Stop blaming everyone else for your issues, work within your limits. This year has sucked, next year will too if you continue down this path. You my friend are in a death spiral and its going to take strength and resolve I don't think you possess. I guess this is what happens when you try to censor another person eh? You can only accept the version of me that doesn't include the issues that you can't face. Guess what? If you can't allow me to be who I am, you're free to keep your judgements to yourself. You've not dragged me down anymore than I tried to drag you up. I'm moving to a new job soon, I'll finally have the income to start the project, shame I'm doing it alone, because experience has shown me that I can't rely on you, we aren't equals and I don't need another pet.

>>17475316
That's absolutely nothing to do with me, so I hope venting it did you good

Why can't I leave you

When you interrupt conversations with sexual garbage to piss someone off, it isn't driving people that have no interest in the conversation away from the place. It just means you get ignored so that the conversation continues, because you contributed nothing.

Death never gets easier. I never think it's going to hit me hard until it actually happens. God damnit, I'm a fucking wreck.

Watch as you introduce a common ground for he and I to agree on. No matter the disagreements I share with him, one common ground with which to relate is more than zero.

It hurts so much. You lead me on, promised we'd be together. You just had to break up with her, and I just had to wait. Eventually, you did and we got close, so, so close. Until she contacted you and asked for another chance. You hesitated. You said yes. You left me. You dared to ask for another shot at "friendship". I cut contact, and you missed me so much. Not talking to me was the hardest think you had ever done, you said. You hated the lack of conversation, you said. You pitied yourself in bed every day, you said. Yet you stayed with her. You saw a future in her, a future you thought impossible. I wonder what changed.

I wish it hadn't been like this. I wish you had never confessed to me and we had gone on pretending neither had feelings for the other.

This chapter is over and it is so painful to accept.

Once was enough to leave a bad taste. Do we really need to cross paths again because someone was kind enough to give you a handout? It was bad enough when you were being a pain months ago. What a hassle

>>17474841
Im you but a bit older, it dousnt get better. She fucks other guys. My dad is going senile but he is still sharp enough to catch me taking five dollers from him so I can drive around and just... think you know?

Fuck, if he would only just leave things be Id get a job and he could die in peace. What the fuck does he care noone notices me.

In a month, I'm going to delete both. The time that went into one doesn't matter. It'll serve as one message that the past associated with it is very much irrelevant. It just happens to also serve the purpose of no longer letting that person watch something, untouched or not, since they're back and all that. I always keep my word

Don't read this it's gross

You kinda said you missed me today and it made me smile. When you said you'd be down "if we were on the same page," I know you meant a hypothetical we and not actually us... but could it be us? I really like and appreciate you. I think we're so compatible. idk about you but I'm pretty sure we haven't known anyone else that feels the same way about these things. And we talk so well. Idk I just think it could work, the communication, values, fun is all there. I like being your best friend (I mean the title is nebulous and we've never really said it? But it sure feels like it) and I'm not going to stress if we don't bring up dating. I just really enjoy you as a person and you know I don't care about relationships anyway. Usually this is where I back out but I think this time I would go for it. We'll see what happens when we can see each other again. Miss you too babe

PS
that conversation, where you said a friendship like ours + sex was a relationship, and I said that relationships can and do exist without sex. You asked, "Fine are we dating then"

I really wanted to say yes. I was so unsure whether or not it was a joke and couldn't risk it

>>17475663
go for it!

>>17475667
I kind of want to, but honestly don't know how. And I don't know if I can make myself that vulnerable. Plus I would be much happier keeping this great friendship and not knowing than finding out I'd gotten everything wrong and making our friendship feel too weird

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I wanna cheat on my gf. I love her and I dont wanna hurt her but I have this urge and every day is harder to control. I already started to take action, havent got to the point of no return, but Im about to. The temptation is harder to resist because shes on a trip.

I don't know why it bothered me when you came out.

I could accept everyone else, but not you. It made my stomach churn to see rainbow hearts all over your page. I was all for pride and "love is love" until you started saying it, too.

I used to think it was because I liked to think you'd wind up with a friend of mine - I even envisioned your wedding at the start of fourth grade. I thought I hated you for ruining my childhood dream. Years later, I'm still getting shivers whenever someone says your name, and I have to put on a smile and make a joke to get over the headache.

Now I wonder if it's because I fell for you without knowing it.

And I must have fallen, because seeing you smile or hearing you laugh makes me breathless. It makes me freeze. It makes me mad.

Because I will never have you.

Even though we've been together for quite a while, I'll never be good enough for you. I always fuck up, I'm annoying, I'm stupid, I want sex with you too much.

Something will always be wrong and without a doubt, I'm what's wrong.

Can you maybe just stop whining? I really don't know how much longer I can stand it.
I get it life is hard, but you just make it worse for yourself with your attitude. You have nothing better to do then to complain about how the streets smell like trash and everyone is oh so lazy. As if you were the one to talk.
And by now I can really understand your granny's behaviour. I would also be fed up if I were to cook every day and all I get back is complaining about the food.
How about you look at your darn situation for once and then consider your own actions.

>>17475789
Do you want to maintain your relationship?

Talk to her. Be open. You owe it to her and yourself.

Confronting it now will give you less hell than cheating. No secrets.

>>17475810
And maybe they see everything that's right.

Fix what you can. Treat them the way they deserve. Talk. Don't be hard on yourself.

You're probably more than "good enough" to them.

aaww cute and shy!
yummy yummy i want to try him!

Theresa I know I live over 200 miles away, but I regret moving here even temporarily with you in my life. I really wish I had found you sooner so we could hang out more, and I'm worried this long distance will go stale and you'll find someone else to settle with. I think I'm in love but it's probably just infatuation. I can't stop thinking about you and will try my hardest to reconnect when I get back. Please give me that second chance to win you over, I promise there are good guys out there, and I'm one of them.

I think people have defined autism down to nothing but being an asshole and since they insist it's not a disorder or something they need to cure/change I feel like I can just say that

Also "aromantics" are just assholes, basically a lot of things are either disorders that should get fixed or simply mean 'being an asshole'

but I can't say this stuff because it makes me sound like a 4chan asshole

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Fucking faggot.

You know i'm borderline and still you choose to take your frustrations out on me. Nigger you make me want to kill myself sometimes and honestly i dont know if i still want to be your friend.

Fuck man i thought i was a bit smart and that my shit would get done, but i'm turning into a 420addict with depression and nothing to do in life.
I will finish this if nothing has changed in 2 years

"Long hair would look cuter"
Yeah, but it'd look cuter because it'd look 100% like the girl you can't stop fawning over. That's it.

I can do it and I will.

>>17475544
What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?

>>17476423
thanks I needed that

>>17476448
I think I remember the film

>>17476454
As I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it.

>>17476456
Well, that's the one thing we've got.

Why does everybody treat me like a child when I'm capable of making my own decisions? Stop trying to shove your opinions on me.

>>17476416
Ugh same

Why do you only tell me you love me when you're drunk?
Why is it that when I say it to you when I'm sober that you find some kind of distraction?
Just tell me you don't feel that strongly if that's the case.

>have aspd
Classes start in a little more than a week, I am not looking forward to faking my way through being pleasant and dealing with people again.

There is a stigma attached to this disorder and if I let it slip I am probably fucked. It is very exhausting to fake your way through life and I wouldn't recommend it.

Before you jump to any conclusions, no I don't hurt or use people. I find the best way to avoid doing either of those things is to keep relationships very superficial it protects both parties.

This is how it all ends? This is what it comes to? After 3 years together, did what we have mean nothing to you? You've completely broken me, and I doubt you even realize what you did is wrong. It's hard to wish you happiness when all you've done is make me miserable.

It did happen that fast, you're wrong, there hasn't been problems for a while, it all started in July and you know it, you just didn't want to admit it after I called you out on it. I'm not sure if you left me for only for him, but I'm sure he was a major factor. You left someone willing to die for you, for someone who doesn't even have the willingness to not beat a girl he was dating, just think about that when you reflect back on us. And now after you found that out you're no longer with him, funny how you had one person, then immediately another, now you have none. Feel any regret yet?

I love you, and I always will. You were the greatest thing in my life, I'm sorry you were unhappy, but I did all I could to convince you that I was willing to fight. I hope you realize though, you were the one who gave up

Why the fuck is this a problem? I've already told you the circumstances multiple times and your 'solutions' are useless because you know fuck all about this. The only reason you're still complaining is because you fucking love to complain. You're the biggest cunt I've ever met and I don't care if you die

I put the time in. I went to college, got a STEM job, lived frugally. Went from a broke NEET to finding a moderate degree of success within the last 3 years.

And then I turn around and see kids 10 years younger than me taking international vacations twice a month with no job because they just had enough of their parents' money or multiple credit cards from the start.

And as much as everyone tells me I'm the real winner here for my small triumphs, I'm a "loser" in this modern society because I've "never lived".

I can now afford to live my 30s like that, but I'm designated as the "old man" everywhere I go.

Still out of the dating pool with my v-card because why would any girl want to put up with a boring frugal stiff when they can be with someone wealthier than I who doesn't even have to put in hours at work to earn it and can just spend all their time with her.

Just can't win.

Too busy watching Gino's Italian Escape to pay attention to entertain you right now. Please try again in half an hour

E,

I am not sure, exactly, why I am back, as I have given up on you, but I suppose I have a few more things I need to say? That, and I almost feel compelled, oddly enough.

I am curious, and I wonder if I was correct in what I said at the end, as we near two years apart. I hope I was not, for your sake, but if I was right...

Well, c'est la vie, eh?

My probation, which I still grin over, is nearing an end, and my legal woes will soon be done with. Honestly, said legal problems are the only reason I am still here, in PA, and I will be moving this October, give or take a month; the who, what, when, where, and why, are unimportant, but figured you may want to know, on the off chance you are lurking.

For all I know, you may have already left PA, but I... feel(?), that you have not.

As all other avenues of contact have been severed, if there is anything else you need to say, or ask, while I am here... Feel free, as this opportunity will, almost definitely, be the last.

Regardless, I hope you are well.

I wish you would let me help you

I wish you would let SOMEONE help you

When it's all said and done I hope I still see you on Monday

I hope I mean as much to you as you mean to me.

I have this gut feeling you aren't loyal to me.

I also know for a fact that my thought processes are a little fucked up and I can't trust myself.

sometimes i like to browse solo male porn in the hope i'd find someone who looks like someone i know so i can masturbate to them

>>17473547
Because you are an empathetic and kind person. The kind that gets chewed up by society and thrown out by society.

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>>17477090
You are unbelievably correct.

Why the fuck do I feel anxious about school begining in a week?

Almost like some force is planting the idea that I may find a GF this time. I came real close last semester. But shit happened. I fucked up a bit, and kinda just became friends with her

It feels so bad when you realize that nobody cares about you. There's people who you care so much about and would do anything for them, but they really don't care if you exist or not. It just feels really fucking bad.

I know nothing
My friends secretly despise me but they are too polite to say it
I still play videogames, watch anime, prefer sweet drinks to sour cocktails and take more interest in bugs that some kids have caught than girls, I'm so immature that I want to die
I'm addictes to masturbation and unnatractive
There is nothing I can do that someone else doesn't do better than me

Despite not being true, why can't I shake this horrible thoughts out of my head?

Holy fucking shit. How come I fail at everything I do when you manage to do so much better with half the effort. You constantly bothered me for working all the time and now I have fallen so far behind I see little future in any of this. How the fuck does this happen?

You know, I don't even care about your ideals or what you do for a living, I want to fucking rape you like God rapes his son. Every day of this year has been humiliating from beginning to end yet someone you can frolic in the sheer resentment of everyone you know.

>>17477188
To you, is that not punishment in itself? Resented for success? Who cares whether someone puts on a brave face if they're simply doing it because they're forced to? Does everyone want to suffer resentment just for achieving their goals and succeeding in what they want? To you, doesn't that sound a little lonely?

I have all the characteristics of a human being. Flesh, blood, skin, hair. But not a single clear identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible has happened to me. And I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust had overflowed into my days. I feel lethal. On a verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

>>17477232
That doesn't sound healthy. You're meant to take the mask off every now and then to begin with, but if your supposed mask is sanity then you should probably be looking into advice to begin with

>>17477259
I live on the American's Garden Building, West 81st Sreet. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old.

>>17477266
This is how you handle a mask
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuYRaoM5Xuc

Everything is at my fingertips yet I can't shake this want to die

It would be so much easier than to keep going. Even heroin can't keep my attention. Weren't drugs supposed to be addicting? I just want to love something, anything. To have a goal. I've got no shame and no connection to my peers. I've pushed all the limits to feel something, anything but nothing is there...

I've got a sti from sleeping with strangers. I've done every drug I can think of. I've gotten paid for escorting. I've tried every kinky thing I could with all sorts of people, both attractive and not. I've been beaten and gotten in fights, tried relationships, worked all kinds of jobs... I feel nothing for anyone. Just empty, empty boredom. Nothing holds my attention. Existing to be nothing

>>17477289
This is how you handle a mask.
https://youtu.be/Rk93hTVRpW8

>>17477297
I'm telling you, dude. This is how we masks were meant to be handled
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEQomU6iFtw

>>17477305
Oh my God! /adv/ has really good advice with masks.
https://youtu.be/ChvDYe1JuYA

>it's a "chad isn't paying attention to me so i'm gonna pretend i haven't ignored you for the past 4 months" episode

A group of acquintences of mine asked me a few weeks ago if I could create a campaign for them to play some Pathfinder for them. Our group of 5 + 1 DM was wrapping up our campaign, and our DM wanted to play a PC for once. Being the newest to the group and having experience DMing, I volunteered excitingly, as I wanted to do a great job impressing my new group and setting up a stage for them to perform.

I contacted each player a couple of days after that, went through character creation individually (none of them have played PF before, mostly all of them have solely played DnD 5th), helped them set up the initial mold and briefly listed the house rules. I gave them instructions on how to get to my house, told them not to worry about dinner that I would order for them, and so on.

Our first session was set to be last night.

Not one person showed up, and no one responded to any phone calls I made.

Several cold pizzas, warm beer and melting ice cream later, I'm quietly but frantically sitting down and trying to recall every single interaction I've had for the past few months since meeting this group of players.

Did I do something wrong guys? How come you didn't come over and play? Are you all okay? I left a couple missed calls on each of your phones.

I just wanted to hang out with you guys. I had a blast playing with you all. Sorry if I upset you all over something.

>>17477398
wow that is totally fucked
like, 'never speak to you again' levels of fucked

you likely didn't do anything wrong, they are just worthless cunts

>>17477403
Its only been a day and I don't really see any of them out of sessions except for one girl who works in a different department where I work at.

I just don't get it. I've never had a single issue with any of them the whole time until this happened. I don't want to sound sorry for myself, but I can't believe that a group of people that seem inviting and chill like them just straight up lead me on and ghost me. I'm still in shock. Like something huge had to have occurred for a group of people to just cancel without notice, right?

I just hope they're all okay.

I cheated after 7 years
It felt amazing
It was an older man and he was very skilled
He was flirting and I flirted back
I invited him to my hotel room and we chatted
I went to piss he was laying on the bed
I laid beside him and we kept talking
He moved in and reached into my shirt
Said they felt as amazing as they looked
Tried to kiss me and I was like
Naw dude
Asked for bj I was like naw
Started grinding me through my clothes and I said condom or no fuck
He started fingering me and he knew exactly what he was doing
My fiancé doesn't know what he's doing
Kept grinding me with his pants on and slid my clothes off and finger fucked me
I jerked him off and he kept trying to shove his cock in my pussy
I resisted and kept moving away said no but he held me down and stuck his cock in
I couldn't stop him and I stopped resisting
He fucked me for a while and before I knew it he slid his cock in my ass and it felt good
He said he was close and I stopped him and he went and cleaned his dick and I kicked him out

I feel guilty but I kind of learned things I want to try with my fiancé

I also want to finish the fuck with the other guy to make it more worthwhile

I love my fiancé but I'm a nympho I can't stop thinking about sex... He's my first monogamous relationship

Am I a horrible person or just human satisfying a physical need?

>>17477502
you're a piece of shit for inviting him up when you said you were monogamous

but you're even worse for not letting him finish
you deserve the death penalty

>>17477502
You are scum.

Girlfriend has gone to visit family for the week, but something about today has given me a gut feeling something isn't right.

Normally she would come on to say goodnight, but tonight she hasn't. Gave her a call and there was no answer, I know this girl and that she sleeps with her phone not on silent, so it has set off alarm bells.

Yes I realize I am being somewhat paranoid, but fuck man I don't trust women.

>>17477529 see>>17477502

Im slowly starting to believe theres Nobody out there for me. It doesnt matter how many friends told me im awesome and kindhearted and whatever else or how many other strangers told me im a cool guy and fun to talk with and hang around with. Or how everyone comes to me for advice about stuff i never have done. Yet i somehow always manage to fix everyones problems.

But lets be real. If any of those things others said about me were true, i wouldnt be alone right now would i?

life has taught me that there is no reason to ever be loyal

i had opportunity to cheat in my last relationship and didn't take it, only to have that relationship end a few months later because i caught her cheating

never again

>>17477529
Is she the snapchat one?
Move on, bro.

he's so lovely. I hope for us to have a monogamous relationship, we're having some special moments, the best. I'd have a family with him , or not, just us, and we can have so many adventures together, I feel it happening, I think he's the same, I want to tell everyone and I'm patient and I don't know how to move it forward, the way he is, its great

She never liked me.

>>17477552
You're just not attractive
And being beta makes you even less of an option
If you're ugly try being a bit of a dick to a chick you meet most girls turn waterfalls for that asshole shit

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Im 26 and have not come to terms with the fact that I cant be the best at every-any-thing.

>>17477591
>You're just not attractive
Thanks feminism!

>>17477591
Sorry i just cant be a dick to people randomly. Thats just not me. Im not gonna pretend to be someone im not. Its the only thing i can take pride in.

>>17477611
Die alone then bro

Ugh, i want to call you. I need you right now; I feel like I'm going to fuck up.

>>17477822
Call me then.

Interestingly, I want to see them smile rather than their recent issues and sadness. Even though we disagree on a lot. If I need to go back there to keep my word to them, then I will. If I do, you're welcome to attend

is it weird that i just don't care about 'university traditions' (like hazing and stuff like that)?

I pushed an asshole of a friend to attempting suicide and he is now in a psych ward, has lost his job and I was the only friend he had in the world since he has no family that wants anything to do with him

The worst part is i dont regret it. The world wouldnt be any poorer if he had died and after some of the things hes done he deserves death.

He is allowed to make phonecalls every now and then and he has tried to call me at least once every 2 days for the past 3 weeks, I havent answered a single call. At this point itll be a relief when i get the news that hes dead.

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ur a lil bitch

>>17478110
I know... Drinking bleach is painful. Capsules work best.

I feel dead when I am not rapidly intaking useful information.
I don't know why.
Everything else becomes just that much more challenging when Im not.

Okay, buddy, you don't want to be friends...I'm gonna assume it's cuz you think i stopped wanting to talk to you although i was the last one to message you, trying to calm you down after your uncle called you a failure...only for you to not reply for like 2 weeks.

Also i swear to fuck that telling people you're gonna write about them in your "book" is creepy and unsettling as hell, especially if it's within a few days of knowing them.

I'm 99% sure that you have a personality disorder (possibly borderline, idk) stopping you from keeping any real relationships online. You've already alienated everyone from the first mmo, if what you said to me was true. And damn that was a relaxed group. That plus your apparent refusal to better yourself (come on dude, stop spouting the fatlogic and just try to work out) is keeping you from having a good life; your major aside. Come on man. I want you to be happy; but you're definitely self sabotaging.

Kaeri, to Battosai (if you are him you will know)

I'm in a lot of pain, a lot of the time. I can't do much of anything the way I'd like. Anything interpersonal is non-viable. If I drug myself up or am extremely relaxed, I can struggle my way through things on my own.

I don't see the point in living.

>>17478159
Would it be more accurate to consider yourself empty? Are you processing through and forming your own opinions and thoughts after learning that stuff? Maybe that would stave off the feeling, if you don't already do that.

>>17478020
Nah, there are plenty of people who don't care...

>>17477593
You can't be the best at everything but you can make yourself as good as you can be at a few things.

>>17477576
I'm sorry anon, you'll find someone else.

I just want to randomly ask you if I can look through your phone.

I just have this weird feeling.

First and last time.

I caught my ex cheating multiple times and every time, he denied it when I confronted him with solid proof and came up with excuse after excuse. He never admitted to anything.

I told him he could be completely honest with me about absolutely anything and I wouldn't be angry or upset and he still fucking lied to me. About everything. It upsets me so much. I never got the closure I needed. When I broke up with him because I said I couldn't trust him anymore, he didn't even apologize for the one lie he couldn't excuse or deny.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it just comes to me out of nowhere. "He lied, he cheated.".

I can't sleep because it's bothering me so much. Nothing saddens me more than the fact that I just wasn't worthy of the truth.

>>17477398
I wish I had a friend like you! I was going to mention my friends' decline on this thread. It always warms my heart to see someone being a thoughtful person like that. Especially setting up a game and everything! When I try to plan hangouts people mostly are just like "Yeah whatever".

My best friend's "job" is getting naked on camera and taking advantage of lonely men for their money. My second closest friend just admitted to me that she made a false rape accusation against another friend of mine because she was mad at him. He's an alcoholic and our interactions are basically just him drinking an 18 pack and sitting silently while I try to get him to have fun without all that. My boyfriend of a year dumped me over text last week, which is ok, it wasn't going anywhere, but it being over text was a bit insulting. My other friend visited from across the country last week and I found out she's been doing meth with her kids at home. My grandma seems depressed. I just hate having to feel uncomfortable or bummed around the people I care about, we should be able to have fun and get along without me just worrying about their various issues or not knowing how to talk to them any more.

I just started college last week for the first time though, so hopefully I'll meet cool people like you guys to have fun with who have similar values.

>>17473547
i feel like i should go out and do stuff to get out of the house, but it's really, really hard to enjoy myself without others

i have no friends and live in washington and just haven't been able to meet or befriend anyone

>>17478442
>I wouldn't be angry or upset
but that's a lie too

>>17477822
Man up and call.

It will be one less regret, or, 'What if?'

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Wish I wasn't so disposable.

I really wonder how many people truly care, but why should they? I'm a terrible fucking person who can't stay loyal, my anxiety is so bad that I get upset and take it out on my girlfriend. Speaking of YOU, why the FUCK do you annoy me so much lately? We never have sex, you bitch and moan about everything. We just saw each other, and I'll be seeing you in 20 minutes and you have to call me? Can I have 5 fucking minuted to myself, Jesus fucking chrisy. You throw stupid fucking bitch fits because I won't spend the night when I'm tired as fuck and just want to relax. Why do you irritate me so much now? I used to be so madly in love with you, now you complain wow why are you like This? WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR 2 YEARS YOU FUCK. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A WEIRD, ODD PERSON. FUCK. I really wonder if you stop to think one minute about how I just want to kill myself because I hate my fucking life.

i'm jonesing for a cigarette
and a qt
sometimes i wish i was attractive

>>17477822
Don't eff up. Make that call.

>>17477593
Nice

money would solve all my problems.
my cunt slut bitch of an ex that broke my heart, i wont care about her anymore.
ill have power, ill be unstoppable

ill do everything with my life that i could only dream of doing with my current path.

if there is someone above, please. money=my happiness

I hate my home as much as you hate yours.

I'm so glad you don't come here. That means I can just rant all of my thoughts out in a reasonable peace, and the small respite that I would get from it would definitely show itself the next time we talk. I really don't want to get you too worried, but at the same time, I can't handle the fact that you're away. I know you're coming soon, but for the love of god it's so difficult at the current moment to even push forward.

You make it difficult though. You keep wanting me to depend on you, but I know you realize that it's a terrible thing to put onto someone when they're half a world away. When they're so thirsty for affection and simple words of appreciation and encouragement. You're evil for doing this to me. I'm really starting to lose my shit, considering what's happening around me. It's like one thing after another piles up, and at this point I'm just working off of the strength I've been trying to salvage. I'm almost dependent on you for that one. After all, if you weren't around, I wouldn't see the point in living.

I hate you. Yet I love you. I just want you to hug me. I just want semblance of physical contact between us two right now. And oh look, I'm fucking crying again, great.

>>17477517
>you should die because you cheated hello i'm 15

you should die because you took the b8, you fuckin' loser

>>17477502
7 year itch will do that.
Just make sure your priorities are in check. It's good that you're going to teach your fiance what you've learned from this encounter. Sometimes we end up in a depressed slump from relationships and both men and women could use a little wandering to figure out what it is that's not fulfilling for them in this area.

Every /guy/ is losing their tits over this. Would you be happy if she let her man fuck someone else too? Obviously, if you're going to go all, muh monogamies then this situation doesn't apply to you, and you're about as relevant to this as you are to females in general so like.. biff off back to /r9k/ or something.

Here’s me. I’m getting me off my chest. I hope I don’t regret posting this. I’m sure I will. Here’s a big fucking wall of text.

I told myself just last week that I didn’t feel like a real person. That I felt like a cardboard cutout of a man. I realized I’m just going through the motions of being a person. Wake up. Shower. Sometimes. Eat food.Not just going through the motions in that sense though. I had the sense, like I said before, that I wasn’t a real person. That there’s nothing in here. I should have written it down then, or one of the other times I felt like that, because right now, I don’t feel that way and I can’t come up with a way to describe it.

I just spent the night out with people I know and it’s been a long time since I’ve done that. I’ve talked to people online, while playing games, sure. And I went out with the same people not that long ago. But this time, I decided to have a real conversation with someone. Even opening up the slightest bit to someone shook loose a lot of mental furniture. Rearranged everything. I don’t feel like I’m not a real person. I feel for the first time in awhile like i am a person and i have no idea how to deal with it.

It’s strange. I’ve been telling myself for a while that I’m open and honest with my feelings. Whatever feelings I have. I was lying to myself.

I want so badly to be someone people want to talk to.

I like talking to people.

It’s just, I’ve gone so long without connecting with anyone beyond a superficial level. My entire life, I think. I never had a chance.

>>17479279

The people in my life. How much can I connect with them?

My parents. Mama and papa. .i love them; they love me. I can tell them anything. But have i ever really connected with them? We can talk about anything. But after what happened at the daycare i could never connect with anyone again. I was, i think, eight years old. I’m still dealing with the fallout from that.it’s not their fault. They were both working. They couldn’t afford for one of them to stay at home. They were doing what they had to. How could i blame them for it. They couldn’t have known the people they left me with were meth heads and their son was a budding psychopath. They couldn’t have known that after what i went through there, i became completely unable to connect with anyone on any level. At that point, not even a “hey how are you? good.” level. Just pretty much incapable of interaction with people. I talked to people, i talk to people. Words come out of my mouth and they say words back to me. But i feel like i’ve forever been robbed of the ability to connect with anyone.

I can’t open up with him because my problems don’t stack up to his. If i tried to tell him about what i’m going through i feel like i’d be rubbing it in his face how much better i have it and i have no fucking right to feel bad about where i’m at. I resent him for that. I’m here for him no matter what, but he can’t be there for me.

We were roommates for three years, through three different apartments. We were tight. I haven’t talked to him for almost a year now. I moved out to move in with her.

I was with her for three years. I opened up and gave her an idea of what’s going on in my head. She understood, or I thought she did. I failed her. I couldn’t keep it together. In the end she didn’t understand. I don’t blame her.

>>17479282
We have great conversations, but I can’t open up to him. The age gap, while it shouldn’t matter, is there. I need people my age I can talk to.

I play video games to occupy my time. Even when I don’t enjoy them. I don’t even know what else I’d do. It’s not a recent thing or a consequence of what’s happened to me. I’ve felt the impulse to play games my entire life, even since before it happened.

I drink. A lot. I’d say it’s because it’s easier this way. Easier to numb my emotions. But I haven’t had a full emotional range since I took that bong rip eight years ago. It wasn’t the first time I smoked weed and it wasn’t the last, which it should have been. I spent the next four hours barely able to walk, and literally unable to speak. It must have done something to my inner ear, because I spent that entire time feeling like I was a piece of machinery being driven around an axle. *whump* *whump* *whump* *whump* When the vertigo ended, I realized I couldn’t feel emotions like I could beforehand. I’ve had blunted affect since then. I get the impression of emotions, but I don’t feel them.

I’ve been telling myself I’m okay for a long time now. I’m not. I need to see a fucking therapist.

Fuck yeepz.

If I could, I'd have you killed, and not even because you did anything to me, but just to take you off the planet.

I'm really really scared that my girlfriend will start smoking again. I hate it so much. She only did it for a few months and wasn't addicted, but it's just a scary thought. Smoking killed my grandfather, and even when he was alive he smelled awful and coughed terribly. I love my girlfriend, but if she picked up that habit again, I'd be really upset, scared, and disgusted.

L, please don't smoke. I love you and I love kissing and holding and tasting you too much to lose you to this.

I'm happy you just had a baby several months ago but stop getting mad at me that I don't comment and like the 30+ posts a day of your baby being a baby.
I would unfriend and unadd but then it would create so much more drama, so I'm just going to be a coward and ghost you.

I'm bad at most things. I can't lose weight, stop eating, and i put myself in cringy manipulations to support them. I fear standing up for my own drives, as momentary as they may be, because they will hurt you and i fear the hatred it comes from hurting you. I don't want to be hated by someone who i bet a life decision on. Is it just a bet? I'm so uncomfortable doing so many things you clinge me to but i go used to most of them out of having no others to rely my worries on. You made me lose my closest friends over them not liking you and being pulled to your side sometimes seems like it was the lazy decision and not the best. And that's it. Lazy. Too lazy to lose weight. Too lazy to pull my life together. Why the fuck am i betting on time to mold me into a successful version of myself when i'm just aging and losing years out of this dependency. I lie about my regrets since i phantasize about all the other past alternatives. Do i even dwell seriously about my future? I just want you to let me go into the marbleness of joy but you pull me so tight to your restraints i'm even afraid of doing anything. Yes ive done quizzes and i'm not that infantilized, quizzes that tell me i won't lead to severe depressions and they're stupid but right. I'm desperately trying to find an excuse for you to leave me. Whoring myself is just a kink not my life choice and i've never actually done it. I can't seem to get it right. Still a failure and here i am ranting online for pity. Cus i STILL want to be pitied and i hate that so much

Do I wanna know if this feeling flows both ways?

>>17479352
At least that's your biggest worry with your girlfriend

>>17479515
True, she's absolutely amazing otherwise. I just always need something to worry about, you know?

>>17479565
I know, anon, I know *hug*
I hope you get through it. Have you let her know how you feel about her smoking?

>>17479572
Thanks anon.

I did talk to her, and she seemed really understanding. She did it while she was studying abroad as a little "rebel" thing to do, and said she only bought two packs through the semester and didn't even finish the second pack. She said she wasn't addicted to them and hasn't smoked since. She knows it'd really bother me. I'd never want to tell her what to do, but if I got to pick one thing, it'd be that, you know?

I think I can trust her, she's wonderful. But the worry...I need a new job. I sit next to the cigs all day and have nothing to do but think.

>>17479646
I'm glad she was understanding anon. You have yourself a keeper there. I'm trying to think of a way to somewhat casually ask my gf to ask her friend what happened when my gf blacked out at the bar last night. It's been bugging me and I don't want to keep worrying that my gf fucked around on me and didn't even know about it...

My IBS is acting up at work. Fuck me.

>>17479653
Is there anything that makes you think something happened? Or is it just the jitters that it COULD? I'm not a girl, or your girlfriend, but in my experience of getting drunk, I get horny, but I usually get horny FOR my partner. For instance: I'm drunk at the bar + see a hot girl = "Fuck, where's my girlfriend. She's so hot, I need her now!"

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>>17479339
whatever m8 this planet fuckin' sux

>>17479685
It's more COULD. Although she has fucked 50+ people... And is a stripper. It's moreso everything that factors in to my insecurities that makes me worry. Her stripping isn't even a worry to me. What is a worry to me? I have so many questions to ask the world.. even though my world is her.
And I have so many questions to ask myself.
I don't think anything happened as I usually pick up on it.
Thank you anon for helping me realize.
Thank you

>>17479737
It's so much easier said than done, but get out of your head a bit and take solace in the love you two have. Glad I could help a bit.

I've been lying and deceiving people ever since I was born. I've lied to my friends, my family and even myself.

Each lie you tell creates a thread in your chest and I've created so many lies it's all tangled up into one messy ball inside my heart.

I wish I was a good honest man.

I'm sad that I don't live closer to a good fishmonger. Partly due to the city, if compared to other cities, but it's really just the fact the distance from the nearest is too much for constant visits. The nearest butcher takes requests to bring fresh fish in, but all things considered, it's still really limited. It's probably one of the things I miss the most about where I lived before moving in October. That and the fact where I live now lacks street lights.

>>17479973
A city lacking street lights? Weird

>>17479979
No, I live in a countryside village, a bit of the way from the nearest city and a 30-35 minute bus trip to the nearest town. My part of the village lacks street lights. As a result, night walks mean I have to take a light with me just for the part before I reach anywhere with a street light

I've never used heroin before.

I plan on buying a substantial amount of it and shooting it.

It will be an amount that will surely cause a fatal overdose.

My tolerance is zero, so it should work.

I'll find a nice area in rural Michigan.

I just need advice from someone who uses heroin on the amount and how to self-insert the needle.

I just want to be someone's treasure.

I treasure you.
Why don't you treasure me?

>>17480030
Hey, junkie herr. Been considering the OD myself. Instead of shooting it you can just snort it. Would recommend as easier. One thing I have to warn is that people who have survived the OD mostly recount it was not painless, as they essentially watched themselves suffocate. Just warnin', though it's still probably one of the better ways to go

:^) alternatively you could move to canada and be a junkie with me. You don't think of problems well high

>>17479510
Do you ever get that feelin' that you can't shift the tide? That sticks around like summat's in your teeth?

>>17480118
Well I'm already in Michigan, so the Canada idea doesn't sound too bad. We could just OD together. I need to rack up cash though.

I hope you come to realize how big of a mistake you made. I hope you realize how wrong all the stupid instagram quotes you like are. Just for the record, having the strength to say I love you, but you're not worth the pain is not inspirational or true or anything, if you truly loved someone they'f be worth the pain. I hope you come to realize that you miss me.

I was so fucking good to you. I have one bad month and you throw it all away. I'll try to wish you luck on your search for a new man, hopefully you can find what you're looking for, not sure if a person who never has issues and can treat you exactly how you want to be treated and do everything you ask for exists though. I know you've already messed up you search, what's the matter? Didn't like the fact that he had previously beaten his last girlfriend?

The worst thing is, you think you're totally innocent, you think you did nothing wrong and you're a strong person. I so badly want to text you and tell you everything for how it really was, but I'll restrain myself, for now.

>>17480128
>we could just OD together

How romantic. You can stay with me until you get on your feet, if you can make it here. Have to forewarn I'm a full fledged degenerate, but if your plan is to die anyway I doubt that is much of a bother. I'll show you fun before we go, Anon. Pinky promise

>>17480147
I should mention i could put you to work dealing drugs for me if you want a way to get cash here. So it's an option for last minute prep

>>17480147
I'm a depressed mess. What kind of degeneracy are we talking about?

>>17480155
I use to sell pot so it should work well. Where in canada?

>>17480155
>>17480147
My kik: curiousme6660

>>17480157
Hahaha. Nothing that would be around you in my house, save i do escorting sometimes, as does the roommate, so you'll have to get used to random naked people here n there. And obviously drug use. Other than that we seem fairly normal, I think. The place looks normal, not a beat up shack in a bad part of town or somethin' stereotypical

As for where in canada, Sask. Whether we die or not I'm fond of opportunity

I don't use kik for a few reasons... if you would like to contact me [email protected] is a garbage email, probably easiest to go from there

>>17480183
Message sent.

Is beer at 2:39pm okay?

>>17473547
So I was sitting on this random bench in a random bench, and was feeling like listening to radiohead. I played a random song, and it was "let down". The music starts to play and I'm lost in a world of the activities going in front of me. I see this guy, in his mid thirties, working in a small restaurant in front of me. I see the smile on his face. The music in the background takes me to his childhood. I see a young lad playing in mountainous greens. He seems happy, and then he grows up, and the dark times show up. He realizes, that it's not all fun and play, there are certain situations that you have to be in.
And I cannot make out the song lyrics, but there's one thing, that the band wants to tell me. "Hang in there".
This guy followed this advice, and he actually did hang in there, even in the darkest of times. His smile, is a fucking badge, of all the courage he's showed, of everything he made past through, soothingly.
And I can see every other person in this market has the same story. everyone has been through the same phase. All it takes is to hang in there.

>>17480195
If you can make it :^)

God I want you so bad, spending all these nights at your place, getting to see you all of the time. You make me feel so happy, so relaxed. Please, just this once. I think you want me too. We won't let it destroy us this time.

I find really immature how people use the word "love" so loosely. You may care for people, but how many of them do you truly love? I care for all my friends and would be devastated if I lost any of them, but I've only ever loved one person, family aside. It irks me when people say " I love you" after only knowing someone for a handful of months.

>>17480382
I'm sorry but that sounds pretty sad to me. I don't think time is a requirement for love. I've met someone and fallen in love the moment I met them and it's the most glorious feeling in the world. I consider them life-long friends.

Liar.

I'm looking forward to going to the bar by myself. I'm sure I already know what your answer will be in regards to you coming with me.

God I'm such a pessimist. But it's better when there isn't any hope to crush.

>>17480418
It's okay if you have a different view, please don't apologize and thank you for your input.

There are so many things I could say to you about that reaction, but I'm not sure where to start. So instead of all of those, I'll just wonder why you would even care in the first place.

I miss you and everything I did was a mistake. I'll find someone who I like just as much as you, if not more, and, in time, come to feel the same level of attachment. Then, when we inevitably meet up and click again, I'll be at a crossroads. I can't guarantee I'll choose you, and the moral decision would be not to, which is why it's fucked that I know it's going to happen and there's nothing I can do about it because we're going away and you're done with me right now. Fuck it, I can't wait to be with you again, at least one last time, like we used to be. Happy, sleeping on an undersized couch watching triple dipple d until my curfew. Fuck.

>>17480230
shit man, can you stare at me for a while?

Oh shit, shake that ass ma, move it like a gypsy,
Stop, whoa, back it up
now let me see your hips swing
Oh shit, shake that ass ma, move it like a gypsy.
Stop, whoa, back it up
now let me see your hips swing

>>17480230
Man, I'm sitting down on a broken bench at 10pm right now watching hipsters and students go about Saturday night. Feeling a lotta resentment and envy right now.

Fuckers don't seem to have a care in the world while I'm worrying about where to live since the rent are skyrocketing cos of them.

>>17480624
And sitting here I remember for the millionth time that I don't know what people do, just they're 'out'.

Heh heh. There goes that marching band otaku.
He's a bit of a dick.
Gorgeous though. Wow.

>>17480532
I'll always care. Chill with me soon please

How can you do this to someone and expect them to be okay with it?
All I really wanted was to feel important, to feel like I mattered and that isn't much to ask for since everyone else was always important
you always made time for them but never for me when you claimed I was just so important to you
Why can't I just stop caring and treat you like the piece of shit you really are?
I feel like I'm losing everything when in reality I'm only losing someone who doesn't care about me, someone who abuses and manipulates me
This was all I had left and I don't want to lose it, even if it makes me feel worthless and miserable most of the time
You say I deserve better and everyone else agrees but I don't want better
I just wanted you to try but you're too selfish to do that

>>17480467
Every single person you trust, even me.

>>17480791
No one "deserves" more than what they go out and get themselves. You only deserve what you take from life. We all have the shit end of the stick, the only way to turn it around it to climb up that fucking stick and grab handfuls of shit until you stop grabbing shit and start grabbing gold. Go fucking get what you deserve, because if you can get it you deserve it. Careful though, this goes both ways.

>>17480807
>It's a "We're all equal so stop whining about having a shitty life" episode

I hope i die soon.

I really can't stand being around women but I figured out how to trick them into loving me because I'm such a sad fuck that I'll try to kill myself if I'm alone for too long.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not supposed to be in a relationship. I move around too much. I just moved to a different continent a month and a half ago and I don't even know if I'll be here for more than a year.

All this of course comes on the heels of me finding out the girl I like is in a relationship. I'm glad I found out before I asked her on a date, bullet dodged there...but it still sucks to find out.

I'm also struggling with the fact that I recently came to terms with me being bi. I don't even remember when I started getting interested in girls. I'm certainly more attracted to men than women, I've still yet to date a girl (not for a lack of trying, see above...) and some people seem to imply that means I'm not bi. What do these stupid labels even mean anyway...

I still need to figure out if I'm going back to my home country. But that's a whole other ball park.

At least I have my dog.

So I moved 600+ mi for a fresh start away from a guy and to finally grow the hell up. 7 days later I've found a graduate program overseas that'll start weeks after my year relo requirement. Feels good to have a plan

>>17473547
Feminism and womens rights are a blight on society. Ever since they got rights our world has turned into a violent shithole ironically because they brought in people from violent shitholes. Fuck their feelings they havent done anything except fuck the west over.

>>17479498
Just start walking every day. Try walking a mile. Go from there.

I don't want to die. I don't want to cease to exist. I love myself.
I wish I could taste the warmth of a girl that loves me wholeheartedly like in the stories I read.
I don't believe and I don't want to believe that I am a biological program.
I wish I could fly like in the dream I once had. I wish God would come to me, hug me and tell me he understands.
I want to create life that is made of metal and plastic.

>>17480823
it's the opposite - we're not all equal, people just randomly get lucky or not. But that's what they don't deserve. You only deserve what you go out and get. I'm not saying that's all you'll get. We're not all equal.

im losing my mind and my body. but what part of my life am i falling victim to?
)

My personal journey of growing up and finding myself feels so backwards due to my aspergers. I feel like I don't feel certain things even though they do affect me. I recently realized how much I look up to my older brother only because I noticed I try to act like him a lot (his sense of humor and work ethic mainly). I'm 23 years old and I feel like I should have noticed this year's ago.

My sister was diagnosed with cancer when I was very young (she barely lived), and I always thought it never affected me, but I wonder now if it really did. I have really bad anxiety issues and intimacy issues as well as low self esteem. I wonder if it was because of that.

>>17479090
Initials?

I am hungry but I will not eat
I am not hungry

Every time people guess what I do in my free time, they're always so far off the mark that they shouldn't have wasted their time. Just ask instead of guessing, I'll tell you, I just won't tell people I'm not familiar with anything beyond the necessities. That's still enough to stop you needing to guess

>>17481321
ED?

Dude, seriously, please don't make a huge fuss about it. Life happens, mistakes were made on both ends, but I need to defend myself here. Rushing out the door trying to return another customer's drink does not give you grounds to fire me, even if you somehow had a three second reaction time to my walking. I sincerely hope you see just how that sounds on text or even in your head, it's a needless inconvenience for both of us. At most, you do get me fired and you get your little private victory, hooray you asshole. At worst, you look ridiculous when the camera shows me walking briskly and you force yourself to somehow hit the rail. Just stop, think, and laugh it off, for goodness sake.

>>17480382
Yes

What the fuck is so wrong with me?

>>17477593
Well, your ass had a party that night I bet.

>>17481904
It wasn't a question.

I want you to listen to me.
I love you, I really do. I want to open up to you so bad. I want to get close to you.
You're the third person I will have open up to in my entire life, but you're the first one I would be 100% physical with also. It hurts to say that.

I want to open up to you. I want you to open up to me. I want us to learn and grow together. I want to make you happier, because you make me really happy. However, the way things seem to be going with work, I don't know if we will get the happy ending together that I so desperately want, not only for my own selfish needs, not only for you, to try and make you happier, but for both of us to try since we both care.

If it does come to us not being together like we both want, please don't get mad at me because I don't want to open up to you anymore. Please don't get upset that I am cold and distant.
I honestly don't have anything or anyone, and I just don't want you to get upset that I've cut myself off from something that I thought was going to happen for me.

I've gone through this countless times, and It's not only the norm for me, but it's mentally tiring as well.

I want to drift away. I'm really sorry.

>>17482167
Initial?

I don't even know if I can have a functioning adult life anymore.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home and going out usually makes me feel worse.

i just want -you- to hit me up for a change. i want -you- to ask -me- to hang out. I work 50 hours a week and i have plenty of time forr a social life. i feel like im only your friend when its convenient for you.

Why do you do this to me?

>>17481571
My names not Ed!

You guys won't let me understand for whatever reason. Yes, I hear what you say, the very little you do. But, it's just much more enjoyable when I'm on the outside since I'm so "full of myself". Even now there is no point in questioning this little fucking game. I doubt that there's any time left at this point. There are things about me that you'll never understand because you're too caught up on what you think you know about me. Yea, you can observe and make judgments through the little window you peek through. But you'll never know because you didn't try, you don't want to, you never intended to. That's why I am the way I am. You don't even know what you've done. If you do then even worse. There really isn't any pain. There is an emptiness a severed connection that I have no choice but to live with. This is strangely new yet familiar. Probably the most powerful one I've ever dealt with. What you think of me is not what I hate. It is why. Because it is false. A conclusion you created to benefit your ego. You don't truly understand me. You don't know me and yet have the hubris to touch my soul and ruin it. I guess I made myself an easy target though. I know I don't know. You think you know and tampered with something you don't understand yet. It's not like I wasn't supposed to fail. What is it that you want?

I'm in Los Angeles and I can't help but feel uneasy sleeping. I feel the ground shake and I'm worried that it's finally going to happen. I just want to sleep and I'm terrified

Man, I absolutely hope I die in my sleep. Not because of how I feel. I'm just so tired. Why didn't you all just leave me be? Why did you bring it to this point? You can't turn back time. This is what you've made of me. I guess it's my fault though. I'm either too soft or I'm insane. I'll just go with insane from now on. Protect the innocent when I can. Everton else can eat a bag of dicks.

I miss you!

Yes, I would love to have dinner with you

- You're rally lovely

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I'm so sorry for confessing to you just a few weeks after your breakup. But I couldn't risk anyone beating me to it. God knows you've got enough guys hovering around you since you turned single again. Myself included. But I'm more in love with you than with any other woman I've met in my life. I had to put that out there.

I'm so grateful that you didn't cut ties with me, even though you seemed somewhat pissed at times that evening. But you were so kind to me too. We had tea and we talked things over for two hours. Now you know how I feel and I know you're nowhere near ready for another serious thing at this point, and I trust you on that.
I promise that I won't bug you about it for now. But I won't promise that I'll never bug you about it again. I can't and won't turn my feelings off. But I can put them on the shelf for now and be there for you in ways that you need right now. Let's talk about it again in a few months. Maybe after your birthday in December, maybe next year. Whenever you've settled into your new situation. Whenever you feel ready for it.

Thank you so much for the great time yesterday. Your new kitten is cute as fuck, and the food and movie were nice. I'm so glad you still feel comfortable with me, enough for the usual hugs and that bit of cuddling. Even though you know now how it makes me feel when our hands brush against each other's when we pet your kitty or eat ice cream from the same bowl.

Let's hang out again after you've moved into your new place. I'll come by this week with the others to help packing.

I don't understand

I woukd love friends and companionship, but I learned never to open up to anyone. Never let anyone close. I have trust and abandonment issues. Plus everyone always ends up hating me.

I could go on about how shitty my life is, but you can get the idea if it's bad enough that I want to die. I'm not here to 1up people

Before I die, I want you to do something. You see that kid sitting alone at the lunch table? That quiet, shy kid everyone avoids? Talk to them. Social isolation is a real thing. And everyone needs a friend. Don't want more people to end up like me.

Yes I am going to do it. It's finally time. No more procrastination. No one wants me. I have no sense of belonging anywhere. No one to trust or turn to. I'm working a dead end job where I'm exploited. I thought there was a way out but I'm really trapped

>>17473547
Why can't I always be brilliant like Feynman? Why do I have to settle for being drained, tired, and unable to use my mind properly 99% of the time and only be brilliant 1% of the time?

Is there a fix? Is there any way in existence I could apply my mind properly all the time rather than only sometimes? Is there a way I can easily forget about all the wasteful temptations in my life?

>>17483156
I was that quiet kid at the table at first. Then I was the kid who always talked to that quiet kid at the table.

I learned that the only way to truly destroy my own social isolation was to realise that there were others in my position who were willing to be as loyal a friend as I wanted to be.

Why don't you become the person who reaches out? There is a lot of good you could do for the world yet.

I love you. Happy 1 year anniversary. I don't know how you can love me, but I appreciate it so much.

Real talk, I was close to the edge before I met you. I made bad decisions and you really pulled me though it and broke the hold that my depression had on me. I know we had hiccups, mainly my fault. I'm sorry for that. I'm looking forward to spending my life with you. You are beautiful.

I think I'm developing feelings for you and I don't know if that's what I want. We have good chemistry and I genuinely enjoy spending time with you, even if it's just hanging out at my apartment. I just don't know what you're really wanting at this point. After the last girl I was with, I'm afraid of trying to commit to someone exclusively.

>>17482393
I meant eating disorder

>>17482161
Just agreeing, no need for the hostility

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I've always felt that life is way too hard and requires so much energy that I just don't have.

I'm going to kill myself tomorrow night. I'll go into the forrest and hang myself there.
Don't know, just wanted somebody to know that so at least someone will care.

>>17483200
See you tomorrow

>>17483204
Fuck you too. I'll be alive tomorrow anyway if you haven't been paying attention.

>>17483207
If you're too lazy to live you're too lazy to tie a proper noose and jump from an appropriate height to snap your neck unless you plan on suffocating to death like a retard

Alternatively you can stop being dramatic, turn off the computer, and go outside and live your life

>>17483207
See you in two days, attention whore

>>17483214
I will always be too lazy to live life and I will always hate it. Yeah I will suffocate myself like a retard, what of it? You think bullying me will make me not want to do it? Fuck you. People like you are the reason I'm doing it.

After last night, I reblocked your number. I don't want to ever fucking hear from you again.

It's fucked up because what if I was in some bad situation? You just didn't even bother to answer me. I met a really nice lady at the bar. She found out her dude was two-timing her. Found that out right at the bar. Are you doing that to me?
She wanted to introduce her son to me.
He was cute.
He was cute, and you don't bother with me when you don't want something.
Don't fucking contact me again. It's not like you contact me consistently anyways. I basically blew you up last night so I wouldn't be at the bar alone, but fucking me. What the fuck is so wrong with me?
Why do you do this to me?
Why are you so selfish?

I hate everything.

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I shit in the shower. I've gotten so used to it that I really can't remember the last time I've used a toilet. Usually, if it's a big shit, I just push it down the drain with my feet. Apparently my pipes can handle it just fine, but it smells a little odd.

>>17483224
Just want you to know that depression is the common cold of mental illnesses. Extremely common and easy to treat. Rather than tie a noose around your neck why not actually try to get help.

Besides, vr porn is just around the corner. Do you really want to miss that?

>>17483233
Cool pasta, bro.

Why do people have so many issues?
I know noone is perfect, but damn I always questioned my behaviour and since I got my shit together, I see how full of shit everyone else is

>>17483227
Oh but the most fucked up part is when I decided to reactivate my fagbook. Your friend posted a picture for you at another bar. But can't fucking invite me.

I fucking hate you.

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>>17483224
>bullying

Woe is me

People like me? I've helped more people than you while even feeling suicidal myself sometimes so save it because you literally don't know shit about me

So you can keep complaining while pointing fingers blaming everyone or you can get up and keep living
while taking responsibility for your life

>>17473547
I am tired of people who likes me for what I have, these are the worst people. They pretend to like you as long you have something to offer, for me, friendship was always enough

>>17483259
Goooood for you normiefag. I can't sleep off my "self diagnosed depression" like you, cunt.

I just wish i knew if every person is bad or just the great majority; i need to know if can hope to trust someone...

>>17483271
Don't fucking trust anyone.

Vacations stress me out. Having nothing to do sucks. All I've done for months is sit on my ass and waste time because I'm separated by distance from any of the people who I want to spend time with. I tell myself that I'm trying to improve myself, but I fail every day. I can't even accomplish something as simple as brushing my teeth every day twice a day or showering every morning. I'm fucking awful. Cleaning my room isn't a big project, it isn't something I should be proud of, it's something I should already be doing by default.

Starting the summer, I had several prospects for relationships. Every single one of them has failed, and I'm hurtling into the school year with barely any plan of what I'm going to do about it. The only choice is to have faith that something will work out, but I've never been good at having faith in anything, especially not in myself. I'm probably never going to be anything more than an underperforming, anxiety-ridden shitter whom nobody respects for the rest of my life.

>>17483195
I know! But who knows?

>>17473547
stuck in a toxic relationship with a toxic girl for 6 months, was getting depressed, now i said her to fuck off.
she even got mad at me one because we were at the beach and i started running around and playing pranks with some of my bros saying it was childish.
some people are really fucking dead inside if they think having fun and unwind for a while is childish.
she now says i'm a shitty person because i dont care about her and shit, i still wish her the best even if she hates me now, she didnt have it easy in her life.

i hate how overly submissive i am, i try to look for real long life partners at such a young age
the only attention i got growing up was from my mother who was abusive and my dad was barely in my life til i was 17
and when he was i witnessed him being a beta, abused by all his wives
and i guess it made me want to have a strong man in my life who wouldn't be afraid to beat me
except i'm sending dirty pictures to someone i haven't even known for a week but i'm hoping they'll never leave me
i have no self respect

>>17483727
if a man has to beat you to make you reason he's just a retarded faggot, you never use violence if unthreatened

>>17483730
She clearly doesn't care about logic

>>17483730
but he's strong enough to put me in my place

Stop talking to me, please. I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
I wish I could tell you this, but you will probably try to kill yourself.

>>17483762
Just tell me.

In around 2008 at some chat room I met some guy that was really into similar things as me and was living not too far from where I was. When I met him IRL he was living in a bit of a bad condition, he wanted to stop smoking and he was building a videogame collection without an economy. After a while, he got a girlfriend and we kinda lost touch after he decided to go live with her somewhere and all.

About 5 years ago, I found him again, I was having my troubles too, but I thought that he had it better. We got back in touch, he was in an almost similar situation, only he had some weird friends that were just basically walking dead. They were just drug addicts and he did nothing but order around his friends, yell at them and embrace his new kind of life. I was also kind of a failure at the time but I didn't like the situation I was into. I moved somewhere else and dodged him a bit. I thought it would be bad news to continue this way.

A few years after, some depression, weight loss and changes around, I went back to studying (I was a dropout) and met a lot of people. Got myself a few friends. I thought that I was done with the past completely, and while I still have several faults nowadays, it's nowhere near as wrong. I decided to move a bit forward and I just decided to take a look at the list of people that I'm studying with next year.

And he's there.

I hope he has changed.

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4chan has ruined me.

My aunt is in hospital with several inflamed glands and she's pretty worried about her biopsy tomorrow. I went to visit her and as I was reading some of the documents I read "Biopsy" as "boipussy" and I did all I could to not burst out laughing in front of her and 2 doctors. It was tough.

>>17483762
Already have your number blocked.

>>17483200
You're gonna have to find a good, strong tree.

I know this is a side effect of being a week out of my medicine, because i did not have the money to buy it. But it seems my rational side isn't automatic anymore. It is no more the Emperor of my being,but it's leader, out of sheer willpower. I feel an improvement of course, it's been a few months of therapy. But a whole week, this whole week, it's been a particular hell.

Sometimes i don't know what to do. What is right or what is wrong. I hug people that i was supposed to love and i don't feel anything. Ever since i lost my family in that accident. I've called a few women ''mothers'' that took care of me, but i felt no real love for them.

Or for anyone, since. I tr my hardest to be a good christian. Or i think i do. Or i'm beggining to. I'm handsome, i'm charming when i can keep alll the crazy to myself. It wouldn't be hard at all to get any girl or ''cute boy'' i want, and have sex with it. Make it love and desire me. But i don't ''want'' to. Or i do. I also don't know that. Perhaps being hard to be a christian nowadays is a test of faith in itself? I want to indulge, sometimes in all those sexual thoughts, do very naughty things, just fuck everything i want to.

But i hold back. I aknowledge i must not give in to the things i hate the most, for i know that everytime i did, i felt most terribly afterwads. I know i'll regret those experiences. Yet there's a part of me that want them. And even though i believe this part is small, it is very, very loud at the moment.

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I hope you're extremely depressed, lonely, and in a shitty situation the next time you try to get ahold me.

I will not be available.

Just like what you do to me.

>>17483922
Then why do you keep texting and tagging me on social media posts

>>17483953
Sorry I was projecting. I don't have any social media.

>>17483939
Feel the same with my former best friend/ex. Always there for them, even when its not needed, drop everything you're doing because you're a good friend and you like and respect them but they return it by never taking your side when you're right, abusing your goodwill and all that shit.

She always used to tell me I was one of the only people in her friendgroup who stayed after her pregnancy, who didn't abandon her, and she was grateful as fuck. Now she can handle all her issues alone, let's see who takes their time to help her, a fat single mother with rockbottom self-esteem and a bunch of issues.

My life is so much more mellow ever since I cut off all contact.

>>17483938

You can do it. If you're religious, grab onto that and drown that loud part of your mind out with prayer.

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I don't mind if you made me cut myself several times or hit my fists against the wall or put me down to my knees in desperation, I love you. Im sorry I struggle so hard to help you with your depression. I beg almost everyday to my grandpas, your grandma and god that I never get a call from someone saying you just killed yourself. I love you J, hope can make you the happiest you could ever be in the future and make every dream and desire of yours true. Hope there is a future where we are still together. I'm afraid. I love you

>>17483976
My situation is more me probably being lead on, and two-timed. Or I'm only useful when they need to be fucked. I really haven't figured it out even after a year of this. The only thing I've figured out is I'm done with contact.

I could probably end this relationship tonight.

>>17483953
I'll stop if you just tell me to.

>>17473654
>>17473547
You don't want this man. I've got a god complex masking my extreme inferiority complex and it's not amazing. I'm not able to love anyone or myself and it actually gets very very old because I'm not even achieving anything that matters to me with my manipulation skills. I just suck deep down and people think I don't but I do

>>17484070
>OP here
It's probably a lot better than being stepped on. I am nothing but a big ball of hurt.

I've fallen for you so much..but where are you? I get home and you're gone for the night? Are you working or with friends, or just screwing around? I wish I knew more. I hope we'll get to know each mother on that dinner date. I'm afraid to let myself have these feelings, you make me feel so good, then I get frustrated that you're not here! You probably don't even like me and were just being nice. I'm just desperate and lonely, and in need of the spark I get with you. It's amazing, and I feel so Lucky to have you here with me. Until you're not. I wish I knew more of what was going on. For now, I'll just fade unless I can be sure you're feeling it too

>>17484078
No man. One day you'll figure out how to operate healthily in your life and not let people use you. And when you get that assertiveness, you'll be a hell of a lot more happy than me.

I will be uncapable of loving myself and everyone else for the rest of my miserable life. The things that bring me fulfillment will always be rooted in materialism.

Your life doesn't have to be that way and you need to cherish that. Don't worry things will get better for you. research your personality type, you're probably isfj.

>>17484115
I'm an infp. Kek

>>17484150
Another one that makes sense. One day you'll realize that people aren't perfect, and you'll start to be able to recognize when people don't deserve your altruism, and you'll stop feeling bad about saying no

I keep thinking you're bumping into me deliberately, and hesitantly, I keeping hoping to do the same. You seem to really like me, and I don't know why, and I feel the same, and afraid to commit, but I can't seem to stop myself falling so deeply in love with you

I feel silly when my feelings are so intense, and I'm surprised, because it never happens to me, then I remember it's you, and you're the only one that makes me feel this way. I hope we throw the towel in together, make it work forever, and get married

>>17473547
i have three half sisters (my dad got around a lot) and all are pretty fucking hot

idk if something is wrong with me or not, but i would smash them all

>>17484172
I deeply hope that is the case. Thank you anon.

I'm so self contained sometimes I must seem cool, yet my passions are like the tides. I keep it to myself, but you know me and our words are shared effortlessly from the soul, and a language we do not understand but each other

>>17483197
My bad.

Wtf
Hell apart
Perfection together

File: 1462076704156.jpg (689KB, 900x659px) Image search: [Google]

689KB, 900x659px

My family is ruining my mental health no matter what I do. I don't have any other place to go. No matter what I do it's

>"Anon why don't you go out more?"
>"Anon why don't you date anyone?"
>lots of passive-aggressive stuff
>belittling everything I do

My father is the worst. I can't even get a glass of water without him standing, arms crossed, just judging me. I try to talk to him but he speaks down to me like an animal.

Suicide has crossed my mind multiple times the past six months and today I just had a moment of "what if I went into my room, got my pistol and just offed myself" during dinner. Would they even flinch or would my passing me like taking out garbage? Would they feel relief? They treat me like dirt despite my help. I can't believe any one of them would grieve. They'd likely put on an act to seem human.

I don't have the money to talk to anyone. My family won't help me at all. If I do something I'm going to be sure and let everyone know it was their fault. They're doing this to me and right now I'm at their mercy since I can't go anywhere.

I don't like being me. I'm always worried. Not just when I'm being vocal about it. I hate that I'm constantly on edge about everything.

I want to be smart and logical like my buddy J***, unphasing and mellow like my buddy C***, strong and wise like my dad and grandpa, independent and motivated like my mom, forgiving and peaceful like my grandma.

I'm nothing like any of them. I beat myself up over the smallest things, I get way too emotional and attached for my own good, I'm constantly scared of being left alone, I can't handle money, I'm weak, I'm stupid, and I feel like nothing I try will ever pan out. I'd rather be anyone than the guy I'm forced to live with.

I just feel so broken anymore. I want so badly to be fixed. I don't believe that'll happen, personally, because it's going to take someone chock full of patience who won't get mad every time I ask for assurance when they tell me that they care about me or love me or forgive me for fucking up, or understand why I'm always so panicky when things seem like they're taking a bad turn, or don't feel annoyed when I constantly want to be held and cuddled and given physical affection or when I call them when they're away so I know they're safe.

I'm clingy as all hell and I'm always thinking I did something wrong, even if it's not remotely my fault. My inferiority complex and anxiety are a constant thing, and the woman that wants to spend their life with me will have to understand that it's not a part-time thing. I feel so fucking weak that I'm like that, and I almost know for a fact that I'll never find the one who will willingly put up with it all and be my shelter from the storm inside.

I feel like the only way I'd date again is if the girl practically forced me to hang out or cuddle or anything like that so they can prove their words carry weight, because I simply am out of love to give. I physically and emotionally can't give any more love until I get re-filled by love.

EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING UNRELIABLE.

Fuck you cc, and ag.

>>17484307
It's alright

>>17484216
me too anon. Want to let it go.

>>17483688
Idk, sounds like it

i need to fuck asap
every boy that i talk to thinks of me as a girl who gets a new guy every weekend but that's bullshit, nobody talks to me and if someone does i don't like him because i'm a picky bitch who doesn't understand she's a 6/10
i truly can't believe i'm still a virgin
it's like i'm the only one who fantasies about sucking their dicks instead of them I DON'T GET IT
isn't it supposed to be easy for girls to get laid???
i've been horny for like a year now and touching myself it's the most boring thing for me
there's nothing like sitting in a guy's lap and feeling his hard cock, knowing you're the one who made that happen
the heat, the heavy breathing, the wild kisses
damn i need it right now

>I usually like it when a game has a lot of different systems/subsystems because it allows for real diversity instead of having to become a metaslave, but when it's too complex it puts a lot of people off from playing the game too much
There is nothing complex about having to split up which stats you invest in like Ragnarok, or having systems where you can increase stats by like 2% depending on speccing certain stones. There's nothing complex at all to this and I keep having to point that out to you. You are the reason so many games of the genre just have you dump points into one stat and follow the same model now.

I love you, sky.

Why tf are you doing this to me? Don't you know I'm dying inside.

>>17484961
I'm dying inside, as well.

You're only worried about yourself.

I still feel the pain all these years later. You know, I had a crush on you, but that didn't give you permission to take advantage of me. Maybe I kissed you that night. I didn't advertise sex. You led me to believe we would date and be happy. You told me you were 18, but really you were sixteen. I thought, wow, I finally found someone on my page. What I found was a serial rapist. I found someone who does not respect women or have the capacity to keep his hands to himself. I'm not the only one he's done this to. I'm disgusted. I feel sick thinking about it. I wish he could feel even a slight amount of the pain we felt and still feel knowing he's still out there. For how long will he walk among us, still beloved by all of his friends?

I wanted to die so many times. I felt stupid. I felt guilty for not being stronger. I felt guilty because I was sucked into sleeping with him on sober terms. I don't know why, I hate myself for it. I'm trying to come to terms, but my god when everyone tells you it's your fault you just wish you were dead.

I try so god damn hard to be happy, and it fools everyone. Even the people who know me the best think I'm happy. Strangers see me and think I'm happy. But the facade is slowly cracking, and soon will fall, and the bitterness will come through.

I know I was put here to be happy, and to bring others joy, but how can I do that when I still miss the piece of me that was stolen that night? I can never take it back. I can never erase the memory, however much I want to.

Anyone who blames the victim has never been there before. Anyone who blames the victim doesn't understand that in situations like that, you don't know that it's impossible to know how to react. Nothing is right, and nothing is wrong.

I just hate everything right now. I'm glad I'm being forced to relive this, but at the same time, it's not even scratching the surface. I'm terrified of 99% of men.

I unleashed a wave of righteous anger on someone and I feel better. But like I wanna stay up all night now...ugh

I just can't bring myself to care anymore.
Death is a daily thing in my life due to my job.
It's never bothered me anyway.
And in all honesty. I wish a fair few people who I have to have in my life, would hurry the fuck up and die already. Give me some fucking peace. That's all I want.
Peace.
Quiet.
Non of your shit on the shit that comes with "knowing" you.
You have literally drained my life.
I really hope it comes soon.
For either of us.

i accidentally swung my keys under my door and locked myself out of my apt this morning
then i dropped my phone in a fucking portapotty and it just might be dead and i really can't afford a new one
then i found out the guy who raped me sexually assaulted one of my friends and god dammit i am just so fucking angry and i want to cry
i just want something good to happen. that's all I want. just one really good thing. please. please.

>>17473547
I want to post a thread about the legality of lolicon in the US, but I'm too paranoid that my internet provider is monitoring me. I have reason to believe that they are.

Then again, if that were true, half of 4chan and all of /tv/ would be incarcerated.

Fuck me, I wish I wasn't so paranoid.

Please don't use phrases without knowing what they mean. You might think you're in the right at first glance, but you missed it entirely. Especially because there are positives to what you just used to insult someone's actions, something you'd understand if you knew how it applies to budgeting. I shouldn't even care but goodness I do, I care way more than I want to admit and you have no idea just how much you bothered me with that

>>17484917
>every boy that i talk to thinks of me as a girl who gets a new guy every weekend

Exactly why they won't try anything.
Too much perceived competition, too small a chance to "win", not worth investing as much time or effort.

You went a whole year not knowing where I actually spent all my time, and in that time you just proved me right time and time again. You thought you knew, so you spent the whole time with your misdirected shitflinging. I told you before that, since I'm careful with certain details, I know exactly when someone in particular gets carried away with their mouth. Now that there's a conversation you can't contribute to, you're attempting to ruin it instead of even just asking to be included in the topic.

You were never trustworthy, the funny thing is that I never lied to you. I just didn't tell you stuff you never asked, and always knew exactly what I had told you, so when it spreads or becomes the subject of shitflinging, I knew when you were to blame. Every single time you did it. You shouldn't have acted surprised, either. I told you two things pretty often, to always commit what you say and do to memory, and that I always know when people I tell stuff to are spreading it or using it to fling shit when my back is turned

I need to go to the doctor for a mental health assessment but I don't want to ask my parents

I swear to god if they put you in the loony bin because of some crooked political bullshit. I hope to god you're ok. Denelda, you crazy girl, please be safe. I'll get you out of there.

>>17485111
Things will get better anon. They always do :)
Fuck that dude. How is he in your social circle still? Can one of you guys get some pepper spray and go hog wild on his ass the next time you see him?

I feel anxious and self conscious, although I can be so mellow. I'm needs space but I get physically and emotionally clingy when I fall in love. I'm restless and stubborn and need much reassurance. I persevere, for his eyes capture mine, as nothing else exists. I'm quiet and shy, peaceful and kind, fiery to impatient, yet his calm restores my soul. I rest my heart beside him, and lay on his chest, listening to the rise and fall of the waves

Why do people gotta be so uptight? I was just talking about sexy husbandos, and this guy like clams up and gets all quiet on me. Can't even just let loose. I was talking about chocolate casted dicks yesterday with a group. Nobody gave a shit. It was all good fun.

You gotta embrace the absurdity sometimes.
Jesus.