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I could probably write ten paragraphs explaining this situation but I know you guys don't want to read a wall of text, so:
>Parents divorce when I'm 5
>Dad is alcoholic. See him every other weekend but he just drinks while sister and I play alone
>Dad is sperg with OCD. Hardly talks. Good person, never violent, even when drunk.
>Although we get along well, rarely do things together
>Well paying job, gives us insane amounts of cash for birthdays and such, but refuses to pay for sister's school (she turned to prostitution) refused to give me a loan for a 6k surgery I needed (I'm paying off high interest loan now)
>I'm 28 now. Dad recently diagnosed with cancer
>Ask him if he needs anything, he never does
>Just finished intense chemo, immune system is gone
>he's staying with my 83 yo grandma. Every day she goes to his house to clean. She had knee replacement surgery a few years ago. I assume all this extra work is hard on her
>Dad rejects my offers to help, or if he accepts, he wants to do it at a time when I'm asleep
>I have horrible insomnia problems, the sleep pills I take at 12am and they knock me out till noon next day. I know it's inconvenient but its my life. Other people don't really understand
>Dad doesn't know about it. Never asks how I am.
>Finally get him to agree to let me help plant some plants on his property
>Was supposed to be today, he just called and said "I don't feel like it today, love you bye" without waiting for a response
I feel like such a shitty person for not really caring- but if he died tomorrow it would have no real impact on me. I wouldn't miss him; I don't see him enough to feel his absence. I don't even have fond memories of him. It would be a lie to say "I tried to get close". I haven't tried. My offers to help have been sincere, but when he says no I feel relieved because I didn't really want to help at all.
I just don't know how to feel. I don't know if I love him or hate him.
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>>17469940
Love him or hate him he's still your dad. He doesn't sound like a bad person.
Most men find it incredibly difficult to accept help or admit they're struggling. If he's not letting you help, try to see if you can do something with him, even if its going for a walk or getting some coffee.
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>>17469940
my dad is a good person but he never made an effort to be with me.
you can push yourself and talk to him about it
you can let it go and forget about him
but you must decide first if you love him or not
when he dies. how will you feel? is there something you need to tell him?
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>>17469940
You're feeling guilty.
If you weren't then you wouldn't be greentexting on a Korean knitting pattern exchange board.
You're deeply bothered about something. What is it?
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>>17469976
I feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough.
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