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I've suffered from anger issues since I was a child. A few times, when my anger reached it peak, I would literally white out and break things in half with my bare hands like cabinet doors, electronics etc.
When I turned 13 or 14, I learned how to deal with it. I don't know how, I just knew something I was doing was working. I still got angry, but nowhere near that angry. I'm 22 now, and although I've had close calls I've never felt what I felt tonight. I was in a verbal altercation with someone close to me when they threatened me. I knew they weren't going to act on it, but in that moment I felt one of the scariest things I've ever felt. I felt this bottomless pit of pure rage inside of me. It felt expansive and never ending, like it had been accumulating since I was a kid. I don't really recall what happened but I know that I grabbed the person physically but I stopped myself just short of doing anything.I dont know what made me stop, I know that at the time I felt like I could rip their fucking body in half. I felt GOOD. I was ready to fucking murder a close friend in cold blood over a petty argument simply because they knew every way to push my buttons to get me to that point. I literally visualized how I was going to do it as it was happening.
This pit of rage is what I'm asking for advice on. I never knew something like this was boiling inside of me. I knew I used to have anger management issues but now I know it never went away and the full extent of it. About the time that I started to actively control my anger is when my depression started. I dont know if I can attribute this to it but it seems extremely likely its what caused it.
I'm honestly really fucking scared at this point. I can tell it has no source, no meaning or point to where it comes from. It's just THERE and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can stop myself the next time I open it.
Sorry if this is poorly written or sounds like an edgy 13 year old fanfiction.
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>>17442552
This might seem stupid and unrelated, but what kind of music do you listen to?
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>>17442568
No I get what you're getting at.
I listen to mostly hip-hop, RnB, Electronic, Indie rock. Typical normie stuff, sometimes some uncommon stuff if im feeling it but usually the regular.
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>>17442577
We'll iv had anger issues, among other problems, as far back as I can remember. I've always listened to heavier music, my mom always thought it made me angry but it was actually very therapeutic for me. Hearing the aggression in the music kind of allowed me to vent my own anger and frustration. It really helped me deal with alot of stuff and gave me an outlet for everything i was feeling. It allowed me to keep my emotions in check well enough to keep me from seriously hurting someone and I know without a doubt I would not be here now without it. I know bands like cannibal corpse and deicide aren't exactly everyone else's cup if tea but maybe try listening to something not quite as heavy but still aggressive like slayer or some other band liie that. This may not help you, maybe I'm weird or maybe it doesn't work for everyone but I'm just telling you how I was able to deal with it personally
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Heavy music's gotten me through a lot too I couldn't agree more, turning it up loud to drown out the thoughts and feeling, check out la dispute
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>>17442552
Iktf anon use the rage for something physically productive, idk if it'll ever go away but at least you can do something with it
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you have to work on boundaries OP,
the fact that you're so emotionally invested in outcomes/validation is problematic in a variety of ways.
I'm not an expert but you should pay attention to your habits and triggers. Notice the physiological signs that your experiencing anger and make a note to disengage, that's generally the safest thing to do and really there's no shame in say "dude this is too much, I need to step out," far better then beating someones face and getting arrested.
On the boundaries thing, recognize that other people's opinions and behavior is not really your problem, you can't control them, and you are not responsible for them.
If you can do that you it's not so hard to just shrug it off and focus on feeling how you want to feel.
On a side note, cut any people out of your life that cause you to have this response, that's bad chemistry.
Anger is a natural response when we feel our boundaries are being threatened, the solution is to have a better sense of where your involvement ends and realistic perspective on what is actually threatening.
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