My boyfriend suffers from depression and has had a new job for

>>17423789
sounds like he can't handle stress too well.

and that's just something he's going to have to learn how to manage better. You can't handle stress if you're babied your entire life. Get him in a position where he's forced to man the fuck up, and if he crumbles so be it. He'll be better in the long run because of it.

He's gotta grow up eventually.

It could be anything from immaturity to stress to anxiety to depression making it seem like nothing is worth it, like it tends to do. It's really hard for us to say.

Is your bf getting help and treatment for his depression?

>>17423789
Crappy upbringing most likely. How long have you been with him? To be honest Op it is never, everyour duty to fix someone like this.

I will say what I would say to anyone with a mentally disordered spouse: drop them. Girl or boy, its a red flag which cannot be fixed by normal means.

It eould be ok if he could function and hold a job but this is a very bad case where you will be wasting time helping someone who you cant. Let him go and find a functional partner.

>>17423794
>Get him in a position where he's forced to man the fuck up, and if he crumbles so be it
Can you give me some examples of how to do this?

>>17423808
Have bills stacking up
No food in fridge
No job to speak of
Car broke down

You'll see how far a nigga can bend before he picks his shit up and acts right.

I'm talking donating plasma, selling video game collections, acting on the odd jobs section on craigslist while you're waiting on call backs or interview dates.

>>17423797
Like I said, he only just started seeing a psychologist so they are in more the introductory phase of things. I know he has stuff to work through that will eventually help him in the long run, but for now I just wish I could better help.

>>17423800
8 months now, but we have known each other over 10 years. I wasn't aware of his depression until recently though.

>>17423789
I'd say he walked out for a reason, I'm sure he will be very happy to know his gf supports him and trusts him in such important choices.
Depression is a sad thing, it's like mold: open the windows and reach for fresh air in everything. If he needs to talk about it he will come talk to you, there is nothing more shameful thant not being strong for our gf

>>17423815
Ah. Yea I understand. It's funny you mention that because he was selling his game consoles before this job, so he was trying to get himself together. It may just be as you said, that he does not know how to manage his stress well. Do you have any advice for how to approach him when he gets in that "give up" mode? I don't want to be too aggressive because of his depression, but should I?

He's in no mental state to be in a relationship. You're not his caretaker, nor should you be. Tell him he either gets his act together or you leave him.

Do you live in the UK OP?

>>17423841
wahhh muh depression

This is a fucking meme. Everyone gets depressed. It's a normal emotion. He doesn't have depression, he's depressed if that even. Tell him to take the high stick out of his ass, and stop the woe is me act.

In the military, you'd don't pass their tests if you can't handle stress. They physically and mentally exhaust you, and still expect the results as if you'd woken up after 8 hours, had your oats and coffe, and even taken that morning dump with your favorite magazine.

>>17423818
Leave him for his and your good. 10 years sure, keep him as a friend if you can let him down gently. Be absolutely clear its not cause of him and for the love of god choose it at a time he is, clearly, not feeling blue.

That said its sad to see this but dont feel obligated even though you know him 10 years. Break up but remain friends, if you are skilled enough.

>>17423852
>muh military training
You're worse than him.

>>17423849
No.

>>17423856
I don't want to break up with him, so can you give me some advice on how to handle this situation/work through it with him?

>>17423869
You cant. You are dealing with a situation beyond your ability to fix. I am sorry OP but if you stay with this man, you are throwing away your years for a lot of stress, feelings and drama which will get you no where.

I would say stick it out if he could hold a job but he cant. Not only is he mentally ill, he has no career prospects. You cant and wont fix him and by staying with him you are ensuring he stays that way.

Have you tried to ask what specifically bothered him? Any episodes, situations, colleagues? Is he unwilling to talk about it or dig a bit deeper than "I want to X" / "I don't know"? No explanation given at all?

>>17423878
Speaking from experience, anon?

>>17423889
I did. He said that the job was slowly making him angrier on top of the fact that it was a physically taxing job where he was lifting and cutting metals alot so his wrists were hurting and him just not wanting to be there.

>>17423859
I'm not in the military, it's just an example of how men are made.

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I feel like it's just something you learn. You learn how to deal with it, usually very painfully.

I almost walked out of my job 3 times last week, my life has been completely spiralling out of control lately.

But when I was 19 I was alone and in the Army. I couldn't just call off or not show up, it put me in the psych ward twice, and I'm still fucked up, but I learned how to deal with a lot of crap back then.

>>17423903
Generally speaking is he introverted or extroverted? Was he spoiled as a child or did he live a hard life? Repressed feelings from being introverted and my parents giving me a whole bunch of shit so I never had to deal with my responsibilities is what I have most of my experience in.

In which case this guy probably has some mental issues, maybe a bit of ADD, maybe a bit of OCD tendencies of recalling past regrets and grudges

He might have some mild issues overall, but added up over a substantial amount of time-I'm talking years-then this guy totally needs to take some supplements, medication if it's serious enough, therapy, a good deal of shit.

Leaving him will push him into a distinct corner with two main options:
1) fuck this I gotta try to pull my life together
Chances are he will burn himself out pretty quickly but should get most of his shit straight in about a years time
2) fuck this I'm a worthless sack of shit that just consumes resources and doesn't do anything for anyone
If this is the case then if he doesn't kill himself it'll be a long road to recovery.

Ideally you don't want to push him to extremes but sometimes it was neccisary for me to get out of my shitty existential crisis and change.

>>17423910
Also joining the military is also likely to put him to those extremes I mentioned, however since it's a controlled environment the chances for him to fuck up his life even more are slimmed.

That said its his decision, don't force him to go, consider mentioning it but I dunno what he might respond with.

>>17423789
Be careful about pop psychology, it break people, families and couples. There is no recipe, and we all have mental illnesses up to a certain degree.

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>>17423947
I would honestly never suggest he do thst though myself.

I tried to kill myself at least twice back then. Like I said I learned how to deal with my issues in a very painful way.

And I still haven't really got it under control. The last 2 months I've been spiralling out of control, I just told most of my work friends to fuck off. It hurts because I know they care about me and I do like them.

But people are better off without me in their life.

>>17423955
woe is me
im so deep dark and disturbed
i tried to kill myself
multiple times
in the army
but never actually did it for some reason
despite have every killing tool at my disposal

>>17423905
Funny. The military/veterans have higher rates of suicide and mental illness than the general population.

>>17423965
Because they usually experience the toughest shit and get shut on their backs even during training.

Boot camp and the way the army functions can actually bring solace to some people, it's happened before. But like I said it's a bit of an extreme

That's true. 22 vets a day commit suicide. I'm a vet and have lost 4 friends to it.

>>17423965
wahh life sucks better kill myself

they weren't real men anyway then

>>17423965
>>17423971
>join the military wanting to be the savior of America
>end up just being another statistic

lololololol

>>17423938
Introverted. He gets anxiety talking to people. Apparently very spoiled as his parents never enforced much discipline by way of grounding him or anything, even when he made bad grades. I'm not sure of all the details but he was given so much freedom that it became a problem as he got into the wrong crowd and was stuck there due to having no one to open up to or confide in, even his parents as they didn't know how to deal with a child with depression. I'm sure he has repressed feelings he needs to work through, which is why he is going to a psychologist now.

Many times he has tried to push himself to get his life together, but it's been a struggle since he never had decent supportive people around him to keep him on track; until me and a few friends finally got him to open up. I just don't know what to do for right now.

>>17423986
Yup, I understand exactly what I went through. I'll give you a rundown of what happened to me

Early in my life I can't remember it all that well, mostly because (I think) I didn't want to remember it. The only things worth remembering was time with friends, other than that I had to deal with an ugly divorce and an unstable mom, a semi boring school life and very little actual tangible important freedoms. It was mostly dreaming

The way I developed my personality was literally by testing it, when we moved all over the country to get away from psycho dad and I abandoned friends and such would get into a new school with new people and new amenities. I actually would have a lot of fun playing the joker and the extrovert, but in the end it never felt quite right. I came home and just self reflected on everything and never talked to anyone, never called my friends, nothing. Still how I live today.

When we moved back to. Stable position I had major problems with school, it was too fucking boring. I developed and addiction to video games over the course of years, my mom never wanted to stop me. and I only felt motivation and happiness when I got into high school.

Freshmen year was a cluster fuck, in the beginning I loved it, by the end I was drooling in the back of class browsing /pol/.

Sophomore year came around and depression hit like a mag train. Nothing but a sour face and Fs in the grade book the entire year.

I was never nearly as fucked up as my parents, my mom never understood why I couldn't get my shit straight, in comparison she scraped barrels in the favelas of Brazil and was abused every day until she moved to America as a flower salesperson on the road.

if you find any resemblance between this guy and me, then you should understand that he needs to recover from a life of pent up bullshit and petty regrets.

>>17424039
I really commend you for living through all that. I'm still getting him to open up, but given the way he speaks about his past, there are many similarities between you too. I agree that he needs to recover and begin to build himself up from all the instability he has had till now. I'm sure that continuing to take his medicine and be proper therapy is a good start.

Can you tell me how you've been coping with everything and what methods you have used to recover?

>>17424039
>WAHHH I HAD A BORDERLINE NORMAL LIFE AND I'M SUFFERING SOOOO BAD BECAUSE OF IT

you're so strong though bro, good job, you're making it, here's more pills.

>>17424059
No it's really not bad at all, Looking back on it. Especially compared to my parents.

Well the first thing you need to realize is that your bf is going to make up convincing reasons as to why things are happening to him. If he is trying to be sincere, chances are is that he's probably lying to himself in numerous small ways. Therapy will help him pinpoint the reasons as to what he should change and how he should go about it.

He also has to realize that it's probably going to take a while to improve, so he might still be depressed for a good while.

Anything that he gets diagnosed for consider treating. Medically that is. If it's a big list of things that he needs to do and if it's pushed on him seemingly all at once, he definitely won't do it.

As for what he should do job wise and such, he has it harder than I did because I was under the umbrella of my parents when I went through my shitstorm. Just work it through, if he feels like he needs to do different things otherwise he feels like he isn't getting anywhere (which seems like the vibe I'm getting) then suggest working multiple jobs with differing schedules for each of them which is predictable and easy to keep track of. Again if this is pushed on him all at once the effect will not be reached.

Everything needs baby steps for a person like him and me. He probably really desperately wants to get an explosion of passion and fix everything at once, but not everybody is built like that.

Anything else I might have over looked?

Please consider that this is generally pretty expensive, if you can research and find proven alternatives to the mainstream that are cheaper definitely put those on your list.

>>17424064
It's a meme you dip.
No but it is still a problem, breaking someone out of a safety bubble isn't that different from an abusive net.

>>17423789
Break up with him. Don't date losers. And don't enable them. Therapists cause more problems ussualy.

>>17424098
But yeah if you aren't willing to go through with all of the shit I just wrote then consider breaking up.

Therapy can potentially end up causing more problems, as can pills. To give an example whenever my mom Asked me to take my pills after I had a rant about something I would go completely fucking ballistic because I ended up thinking my life and appeal to my mom and everyone else was dependent on those pills.

Even the simple stuff can be destructive if taken the wrong way.

>>17424087
Thank you so much for your advice. I will keep these things in mind and talk to him more to see what can be done. He definitely does want to fix himself bit he has gone about it in bursts which causes him to start and stop a lot. Smaller baby steps would definitely work best.

What do you suggest I and the rest of his friends do to show our support/ keep him on track to building better habits to fight his depression?

>>17424111
Yikes, sounds like your mom didn't know how to communicate and just defaulted to thinking the medicine was the cause of everything. That can fuck a depressed persons mind up for sure, but therapy and proper medicine usage are beneficial if used properly.

>>17424134
Eeeeeh I can't say. Personally during my whole recovery I never wanted help for anything. I wanted to be responsible for everything I did, matter of fact a flaw I had was that I would never blame anyone without having justification and would always blame and bring myself down over something as stupid as not looking both ways when crossing the road. I dunno I guess make it seem as if you aren't helping him, just fulfilling responsibilities(?) honestly people always forced help down my throat until i gave up trying to fight it

If you can find a way to help him without being intrusive to his whole process of bs then go for it. Highly doubt you will though.

As for friends, don't, he needs an avenue that doesn't enable or bring him down or gets involved in his shit. The less his friends bring it up the better, it's personal experience. Though he does need someone to talk about it, might be you, his parents or whatever but he needs at least someone.

Anything else?

>>17424149
You two could be brothers; he has acted the same way before. Never asking for help and trying to fix himself on his own. Where he faltered is not having anyone to talk to about it until I came along. He's starting to open up more and more now.

How long was it for you until you noticed some real tangible change? I want to ask how long I can expect him to go through this for, not because I'm expecting and end date, but just some idea of what to expect or if it's possible for him to truly change for the better. I want him to because I care; I see he wants to because he cares. I just wish I knew more.

>>17423896
No, thankfully not. But if a mental disorder has gotten to the point someone cant function properly in society, its more about keeping the person on mental life support than helping them get back to normal.

>>17424173
It's just progressive, breakthroughs will happen whenever he will feel like he has truly bettered himself. It probably won't happen overnight I'll tell you that much. He might have bursts of passion and motivation, they won't last for long, can't say for certain but it is experience. Just temper him whenever he tries to go for the big shots, though wether or not you stop him is up to your discretion. Let him live his life and make mistakes. Generally speaking mistakes will make less of an impact on him the further he goes along his path.

Again, probably going to stress this a bit more cause it's important, shit is expensive and time consuming. Expect approximately a year of decent spending before he can really pull his shit straight and even excell in addition to acquisition of happiness and all that jazz.

>>17424226
I see. Well we are not living together at the moment so the financial expenses are not too big a concern right now, but I know they will be in the future. I'm not bothered by the time, as I want to work through this with him. Thanks for all your advice anon. Any other tips or advice you can give more for him (e.g things you wish someone told you in your darkest moments, etc)?

>>17424265
Work within the present, learn from the past, plan for the future.
Keep it simple stupid really.
Otherwise look for another board with a similar topic to that question.