I desperately need advice about this fucking girl, please bear

>>17421776

she says she is still confused about her last relationship and it wouldn't be good for her to be in another relationship right now
>I feel retarded at this point, tell her not to apologize and say it's good that she's being honest, and that she knows what's best for herself
>this isn't me being beta, this is me recognizing that she's a really close friend and I don't want to ruin that over some stupid 2 week crush
>next day I became a victim of my own thoughts, and apologize to her for putting her on the spot, told her I was drunk etc. (i kind of was, and probably wouldn't have made that call if I wasn't)
>she assures me it's okay and all that.
>after that she was super distant...the once flirty, talkative girl I knew was giving me 1-2 word responses. eventually stops texting me again altogether.

fast forward a couple days to now
>we're supposed to go to a concert with some mutual friends sunday.
>i text her today and ask if we're still all meeting up beforehand
>she tells me yeah, and to clarify with one of our friends about the plans cause she "doesn't like planning things"
>again being very distant, replying once an hour

fuck man...is there any way to fucking salvage this? I regret ever telling her how I feel since I'd probably rather just be friends with her anyways. Should I even go to this fucking concert on sunday or do I just drop this shit and go no contact.

>>17421776
>>she had been in a 5 year relationship until recently
OP regardless of what happened or how the relationship ended it takes any normal person time to detox from a relationship. If you really dig her be patient if you cannot then bail. However, as the transition guy you'll have to deal with her having second thoughts about leaving the former bf and that means loose ends, emotional conversations and sex occasionally with him.

>>17421841

I'm not in a rush but what am I supposed to do at this point? Do I go with on sunday? Should I stop initiating any contact with her?

>>17421858
you can go but don't expect this to turn into a relationship right away. For your own sanity you should stop initiating contact though. Again, while she said she is fond of you, she is not in love or serious like and basically emotionally unavailable to anyone now.

>>17421776
what you just described has like 12 red flags,

long term codependent relationships, inconsistencies in information, impulsive behavior, alcohol, variable emotional responses, awkward social tension, domestic instability, patterns of negligence, minimizing behavior

Like everything,
don't get in a relationship right now, it will fall apart almost instantly.

If you want to be there for this person, set healthy boundaries right now and a few months down the road when people are stable work it out.

If you want to do something productive, help this person work through their issues that ended their last relationship, but you can't do that if you're inbedded in the situation.

Proceed with caution OP

>>17422038

Fuck you're right. It didn't seem obvious until I typed it out.

It just sucks because she's the first person I've been attracted to 99% due to personality. I struggle because I always date girls I find cute and we never have anything in common. She's way different and we've gotten really close over the past year. We have almost everything in common so it just sucks that this situation is so fucked.

I switched jobs and live 45 minutes away from her now so I don't really see her. If I don't force contact, there is no contact. Is my only choice here to just let things go, then maybe revisit in a couple months? I just don't want her to lose all attraction if I disappear. Giving her room is good, but I'm worried about giving too much room...

>>17422068
thanks dude, I'm in a Domestic Violence class and I wish someone had pointed all this shit out before my 20's and every shitty relationship where I got really hurt.

I would say something like:
"it seems like you're going through a lot right now, I like you, but I don't want to rush into anything especially if you're still recovering from another relationship.

I want to be there for you, but I don't want to build an unhealthy precedence.

You can offer to hang out platonically still, which is healthy before you become involved.

If you don't feel like you could walk away you shouldn't engage.

If she loses interest and goes and dates an asshole, you're still in a position to point out shit that's abusive and unhealthy and provide support from the position of a friend.

But seriously, set healthy boundaries and those are your terms for what a relationship should look like, if it's not that then avoid, you're just going to get hurt/hurt someone.

>test

>>17422125

Just for knowledge sake, can you elaborate on the red flags that you listed? Not the obvious ones like the alcohol but the more technical ones. Like could you reference the "patterns of negligence" to what exactly she's doing, for example.

I actually found it interesting that you are able to break it down like that

long term codependent relationships – people tend to emulate the same relationships they had in earlier life, this is how abuse is perpetuated, over time we normalize those interactions because they seem ‘comfortable’

inconsistencies in information – did she tell one friend one thing then turn around and give you a totally different opinion. To some extent this is normal we engage in ‘impression management’ but it undermines honesty.

impulsive behavior – If someone is ‘in a hurry’ to get into a relationship that’s a red flag, also just bringing in to question their emotional stability

alcohol – substance abuse predicates a lot of abusive situations, it’s a way of normalizing collectively unhealthy behavior. A bit is normal, everyone drinks, but having people around you who make it okay to get shit faced all the time is bad.

variable emotional responses - Bipolar

awkward social tension – ‘walking on eggshells’ do you feel like you constantly have to watch what you say for fear of repercussion? There’s probably underlying tension and if you don’t know how to talk about it then it’s just gonna stay there. You should feel comfortable with your partner.

domestic instability – she’s living with her parents, and also she’s bringing you around and bouncing out without you having any relationship to them, all that is going to bleed into your interaction. Also if you’re economically depended on others you tent to put up with their bullshit in unhealthy ways.

patterns of negligence – you say something and she doesn’t respond, and vice versa, do you feel reciprocated? You don’t respond and she flips out, un unhealthy expectation of reciprocation.

minimizing behavior – emphatic apologizing, saying something is not a big deal when it kind of is a big deal, that’s a ‘victim’ mentality. ‘we got in a fight but that’s okay, I know he didn’t mean it’ everyone does it, too much is unhealthy.

None of these on their own is the end of the world, but you should just keep this stuff in mind in what sort of dynamic you build.

Be aware that if you’ve normalized all this shit during your life you’re likely to find other people who have similar issues, that can be great to have an understanding but you still need to set precedence so you don’t reinforce each other.

like don't feel bad (speaking personally), we're all fucked up and alone, but you gotta try to not be fucked up and recognize it or you'll keep ending up in shitty situations

>>17422235

Thanks man, think I needed that. Been an anxious mess for a week but I think you forged the path for me to move on.

Live and learn.

Quality thread 2bh

>>17422235

Thanks man appreciate it. Wish things could have worked out here but I giess that's life.