How can I learn to not be afraid of the past? There was a period

Maybe I should just accept it. Don't know how to do this correctly.

Just let it go. Move on. It sounds to me as if you're ashamed of that "mad bit," and you're not aware of how others feel.

If it concerns you, talk about it with them and apologize for how it may have affected them. Learning how your "mad bits" affect others goes a long way in being self-aware just enough to know you're better than that.

Shame is a heavy motherfucker. Talk it out, be more empathetic, and move along.

Learn to accept the past.
It's done. Welcome to the present.
You were younger, less experienced. You are older and wiser now, so learn to trust yourself.
I assume you know what triggers your responses, and as cliche as it sounds, you need to face them. When you do that, and come out okay, you'll start to learn that there is nothing there to fear, much as we learn the closet and the space under the bed don't house monsters.
Remember that this anon believes you can make it. You need to believe it too.

>>17404499
It's not really shame, primarily, though being crippled (or having selective deficits) in everyday tasks did lead to a lot of poor outcomes and self disgust.

The thing I was just reminded of was shifting into a blank and trance-like state, then using an object as a proxy to communicate elements of your subconscious. I'm aware I've abandoned useful tools and have yet to develop real 1:1 replacements, which must only mean the machinery of my mind is incapable of handling functioning in that way. It might well be true, but ideally it isn't. I went off and built another world, then fell down a rabbit hole and eventually became scrambled enough to forget there was anything to come back to. Even though I dragged my way back, and this was years ago, you can't easily forget the contrast and that there's a whole 'nother world to be accessed by flipping a few mental switches.

I hadn't thought much about shame. Maybe I am ashamed. In the back of my mind some part of me always knows that no matter who I am, I'm never quite good enough, and I'm never quite right.

>>17404524
>so learn to trust yourself.
I think this might be a core component. For various reasons I became accustomed to repeated and consistent failure, and eventually learned to just let it happen and move to manage the subsequent effects. Perhaps I'm dealing with a bit of learned helplessness.

Three things seem apparent.
-I've been many people and I cannot be and have everything and anything I want from all of them at once.
-The capacity of the mind to shift its state is limited and dependent on the starting state.
-Desireable aspects from two very conflicting states produces anxiety. I tend to reject and suppress one of these "lenses", rather than learning to integrate it with the whole.

Change is frightening when it seems you're already so deficient you have little left you can lose, or distort, and remain usable. My window of operation is pretty narrow. A lot of it is centered around psychosocial shit.

Anyway. As I draw this back into my mind I've come to the same conclusion I always have, I cannot solve it yet. I don't have the means.

I know what's needed. Maybe I'll have it soon. Either that or I'm going to lose everything and eventually starve to death, not exactly an unwelcome fate right about now. Spent half my damn life hungry and worrying about food.

A final attempt to gather thoughts.