Hi /adv/, I'm a heterosexual male looking to buy a sex toy

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Hi /adv/, I'm a heterosexual male looking to buy a sex toy to put my dick in.

I have come here for recommendations and reviews. There are just so many in the market that I don't know what to buy.

What do I get? Fleshlight? Doc Johnson? Tenga? Something else? And that's just the brand. What model(s) do I get?

These are some of the criteria I'm looking for:
>feels good on my dick
>preferably something to put my dick into (ie. no basic vibrators to put under my dick)
>nothing that goes up my ass, no matter how many times you repeat yourself
>money is probably the lowest concern, but try to be reasonable (ie. I can spend over $100, but I won't go over $500)
>preferably something easy to clean
>preferably something that doesn't resemble a vagina or other body part (I just don't want to have to explain myself if someone sees it; worst case scenario I can store it in my safe)

I'm sure some of you will just tell me to have sex with a real woman, but if I could do that, chances are I wouldn't be making this thread. Even then, I suppose having a sex toy still wouldn't be a bad idea.

Despite the topic at hand, I am 100% serious about this. I am shopping for a personal sex toy, and I could use some genuine help.