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I'm not expecting much help, but I want to get this off my chest: How do I stop being so terrible?
I dropped out of school twice in the past three years due to constant anxiety and motivation issues. I moved back in with my dad and work two shitty food service jobs, both of which I suck at everything outside of dealing with customers. It's funny, really: I'm the most personable cashier in the city in front of customers, but around my coworkers I'm an irritable, lazy ass who vocally despises any and all work. One of my bosses, whom I get along with extremely well and who often praises my 'work', just told me today that he needs to talk to me about multiple complaints about from other employees. I haven't worked at my other job for them to take issue with my neuroses yet, but it's only a matter of time before they find me insufferable as well.
I feel in my gut everyone around me - from random passerby to, and especially including, my close friends - mocks me, hates me, or even just feels off when looking at me simply by virtue of the fact that I exist. I look and dress in a fairly unassuming manner, sans the occasional band shirt, so the constant stares of drivers boring holes into me during my daily walk to the bus worries me to no end. My friends almost assuredly explicitly express such exhaustion and disdain given that they actually deal with me - my unreliability, my leeching, my obnoxiousness, my (occasional) belligerence. All but a literal handful don't even talk to me unless I actively reach out to them or have drugs, and I can't see how the handful who does would want anything to do with me.
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>>17182761
Sometimes I can just not care that I'm an asshole, that I drive away everyone around me; I'm making money, I have drugs, I'm moving away from this shithole city in a month anyway, so why does it matter? But other times, times like this, I shake off my numbness to the crushing weight on my shoulders, and it's just too much to bear. I want to either get as high as humanly possible or just fucking shoot myself. I've tried therapy, prescription meds, etc, but god damn, I feel like it never works out. I lack any discipline or self-control or effective outside support to truly change myself. Are my only options death, or continue living as a vile cretin of a man?
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Man, I know this is a slow board, but I didn't expect this to sink to the bottom of the catalog within a couple hours.
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It's 5AM and I can't think of anything to write but I can relate to this a lot.
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>>17183821
It's at least a bit conforting to know others sail in the same boat.
I work at 8 in the morning, so I'm gonna leave the thread to the wind and hope it picks up a few words here and there.
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>>17182762
Feels familiar.
Do you want to work shitty service jobs forever or do you have an exit strategy?
I have mine. I could be free as early as August. I haven't been sleeping too good and I'm going to be driving home light headed wit my eyes glazed over in about an hour, then I NEED to go running before I can sleep. But it's all a memes to an end.
You don't have an end right now. Just the memes.
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>>17183986
>Feels familiar.
>Do you want to work shitty service jobs forever or do you have an exit strategy?
Hell no dude, but I've been out of school for so long that i feel as though I'd only catch up by means of an addy prescription. Like I said, I'm moving across the country from this shithole town, but even then, it'll take another year of shitty (but better paying) service positions to afford school.
>I have mine. I could be free as early as August. I haven't been sleeping too good and I'm going to be driving home light headed wit my eyes glazed over in about an hour, then I NEED to go running before I can sleep. But it's all a memes to an end.
>You don't have an end right now. Just the memes.
I have drugs, anime, and the occasional video game, but I feel dead at the end of each.
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