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Oh my god, help me /adv/, I'm in love and it's horrible:

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Oh my god, help me /adv/, I'm in love and it's horrible:

>Back in October 21yo me meets 28yo bisexual, married woman
>Regular at my cafe, lives in another town, wife lives in another state
>She wants to be friends but admits attraction to me
>She tries to get me to have sex with her multiple times, I always stop her/have performance anxiety because of guilt/virginity
>Finally have sex, it's confusing, frustrating, and exhausting
>During our little affair we grow really close/intimate/affectionate
>Share everything, spend all our free time together, talk about feelings for each other
>Rarely have sex, all emotion
>She accidentally drops the word love once
>I haven't felt anything like this before or since
>Wife finds out, says we can maintain friendship, doesn't happen that way, cuts it off for us a month in
>Hardest "break-up" I've ever experienced
>Don't see her for months
>In March, her wife apparently urged her to seek me out
>They come into my cafe and we catch up
>She invites me on a work-related trip so I can see my friends in the same city
>Find out she cheated again with someone else (fifth time)
>Fucking furious for a variety of reasons
>Cancel the trip, go off on her, make up with her in the same conversation because I couldn't bring myself to say "I'm done with you"
>Go on the trip
>Get closer to her wife
>Wife is at her wit's end with her, stays with her for unknown reasons, they've talked about divorce
>Maintain friendship, everything's fine
>Recent phone conversation
>We talk about her cheating with that guy
>Explain why I was so upset
>She tells me it was different with me
>We talk about how much the affair meant to each other, talk about our insecurities
>She admits she has to "put her feelings aside for her wife"
>Asks if I still like her, don't answer
>She says "You and I wouldn't be able to be friends like this if she wasn't in the picture"

Oh god, I know it's not good for me but some strange force compels us to be in each others lives. What do?
>>
Amendment: I hung out with her in her home town alone and helped her sort through things at work. It was pretty platonic and she even texted her wife that I was there. It goes in cycles.
>>
>>17163216
You've already posted this and for some reason, you made it even longer
>>
>>17163219
I posted it once, it's the same length minus the second post, which happened today, and only one person replied with "You live in a very strange world"
>>
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Take it as flattering that this women was attracted to you, but run away from this crazy situation as fast as you can.

>There will be other, better, women in your life.
>>
>>17163272
It was more than the attraction. I felt appreciated and respected. I felt safe and understood. I felt like someone cared about me as an individual, not just how I fit into their life. It was all so perfect, even though it wasn't. Sure, she was insecure and jumped to conclusions about me. Sure she couldn't make up her mind about what she wanted with me. But everything about her and us, down to how she fit into my arms, felt so right with her.

And I hate that because I know she's poisonous. And I'm working on finding someone else. I don't compare them to her because I know everyone and every situation is different. I'm seeing someone right now even. But she's always there in a corner of my mind... She was when we weren't talking, she is when she hasn't talked to me in a few days.
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