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I don't want to sound like an annoying, whining ball of

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I don't want to sound like an annoying, whining ball of self-pity, but I hate myself. I really hate everything about myself. I'm 21. I feel like everyone is fucking better than me. I'm so dumb and I know near nothing about the world because I've never had any real friends, I've always been a shut-in, and I'm too ashamed to ask stupid damn questions. I'm also black and I think I also have slight self racial hatred as well. I'm a manchild and only care about immediate interests with no regard to plan for the future. I am apathetic about everything and it gets worse each day. What makes it worse is that I used to be a pretty good person when I was younger, but thinking about that just reminds me of how far I've fallen. I don't talk to those who want to help me because I'm too ashamed/scared/lazy.

I engage in this self-destructive behavior and don't care; my life is going to the shitter and I don't care because I guess I want myself to fail because I know I deserve it. And also because there's no chance of bettering myself because I'm too much of a piece of shit to do that, so what's the point.

How do I get past that initial hump, to convince myself that I can change myself? I just want high self-esteem, please help. The only time I feel good about myself is when I compose music, but other than that I don't feel like I deserve to be alive.
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>>17119425
Come on bitch don't think about the others, you are a beast, a FUCKING BEAST, NDERSTOOD?
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>>17119425
>I'm so dumb and I know near nothing about the world because I've never had any real friends, I've always been a shut-in, and I'm too ashamed to ask stupid damn questions

This is a horribly self-destructive excuse mate. You live in an age where the world's knowledge is literally at your fucking fingertips. I'm a shut-in too, I use this time to L E A R N.

Google is your friend. Wikipedia is your friend. Neither of them will judge you.

There are no stupid questions. Nobody expects you to be a fountain of knowledge at 21.

Stop wasting your time complaining.
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>>17119463
I guess you're right, I do use the Internet to look a lot of stuff up. Though I think they're only morsels compared to the amount of stuff I should know by now...
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>>17119556
You'll never stop learning, even when you're on your death bed. There's no set amount of knowledge that you *should have* accumulated by now. It's never too late.
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do you have a job OP? If not then I think getting one should be your first goal so you can move towards being more independent.
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>>17119438
That's so fucking sweet!
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