Why can't I be friends with my ex? I'm trying to understand

I'm guessing you're a female.

Depends on the circumstances of the break up. If it was painful and dramatic then further contact will cause this pain to resurface. If the break up was mutual, it could just mean they're tired of you and they don't want to speak to you again due to how awkward it may be.

>>17114978
I'm male and they initiated the breakup. I'm curious but why assume I'm female?

We broke up over her saying she wanted me to be just friends. I reacted negatively and we'll that was a year ago. I know that the breakup was very hard on her, but I'm so confused as to why being friends is off the table now.

>>17114985
>but why assume I'm female?
Because it's always the female that tries to pull the "let's just be friends" shit after a break up.
>We broke up over her saying she wanted me to be just friends.
There you go.

"Funny how they always want to be friends after they rip your guts out." - Starship Troopers (1997)

It was never on the table, realise this.
When she said it last it was a lie, a face-saving feeling-sparing lie.

Besides its clear as day that you still harbour some emotional investment.
You're blowing smoke with this "I just wanna be friends again" shtick.

Move on for fucks sakes.

>>17114967
>I always thought that if your feelings have died, their presence wouldn't bring any painful memories because they're over it and it could make room for a friendship.
>What is going on in their mind and heart?
Their feelings have not, in fact, died. If they had, breaking up would not be so painful. Absent some kind of trauma, you need time and distance to finish the job. That's the way emotions work.

This is why trying to stay friends with an ex is usually a bad idea: it denies you the distance you need to finish recovering from the breakup. This is as bad for the psyche as unrequited love is. Indeed, it often degenerates into that very thing.

>>17114995
Man the arrogance you have. No I genuinely want this person in my life, whether it's a friend or otherwise, but preferebly a friend. I'm being honest on this anonymous anime image board, your pessimism isn't really helping me.

>>17115009
Not the person you're replying to, but you need to be prepared to get responses you don't like when asking for advice. This isn't a board to coddle you, it's a place for answers and you won't always like what you get. Doesn't mean it's wrong.

That anon's 100% correct insofar as the friendship offer was never really there to begin with and you shouldn't pursue it.

>>17115007
After that time has occurred (however long that is) and both have moved on, what is their state of mind about you in their life? Is there ever a point where friendship is possible, or is it always fire and ice?

Thank you btw anon

>>17115007
How does one cure unrequited love Mr Bond? Cause iv been afflicted with it going on 10 years now. I know she won't ever love me back, but i can't help it.
It's getting to the point where I'm certain a labotomy is my only viable option.

>>17115009
>No I genuinely want this person in my life, whether it's a friend or otherwise, but preferebly a friend.
Why?

>>17115019
>After that time has occurred (however long that is) and both have moved on, what is their state of mind about you in their life?
That depends on the person, and it dependa on the things they go through while apart. Almost anything is possible.

>Is there ever a point where friendship is possible...?
There can be. But there can also not be. I can't foretell the future.

>Thank you btw anon
No problem. That's what we're here for.

>>17114995
Call me arrogant idc, go on and vent it all out little buddy. But when your done huffin and puffin just be sure that you've accepted the fact that she doesn't want to be your friend and she never did.

Women's words mean fuck all, you have to judge them based on actions. Has she acted like much of a friend? No? Gee whiz maybe it's cause she doesn't want to be your friend.
Sorry her words didn't match her actions, but it's about time you learned this lesson son.

>>17115021
We had a special kind of friendship, similar childhoods, interests. A collection of memories and I just miss her personality. I want to hear her laugh again,etc. I can say with certainty that if she was getting married tomorrow I wouldn't be bothered at all.

I also want to say I really disagree that the friendship thing was a lie. I can't say anything that will convince you guys it wasnt, but I know because it was back and forth between us, and there was a genuine effort to make that work. It wasn't just some lazy breakup line being fed to a hapless guy. It was way more involved that that. Anyway, I've been defensive enough bout it..

She's going to see you with a new girl and it's going to kill her inside.

She's going to see you when she has a new bf and that could kill you inside, too.

That's basically it.

>>17115026
>I can't say anything that will convince you guys it wasnt
More like we can't say anything to convince you that you're deluded. Starting this thread was pointless because you didn't want answers or feedback.

>>17115033
Like 90% of advice posts, he just wants affirmation that his thoughts are correct. Just another emotional idiot, ignorant to cold logic.

>>17115020
>How does one cure unrequited love Mr Bond?
Psychologically, it's not much different from recovering from a breakup. The same basic rule applies: you need time and distance.

The major difference is that instead of breaking up with another person, you're breaking up with your concept of a relationship with a person. This makes gaining distance much harder: you can walk away from a person, but not from your own thoughts. You DO still need distance from the person, however. Otherwise, their continued presence in your life will only reopen the wounds, keeping the pain fresh. Only after you've managed to do this can you start the work of distancing yourself from the concept.

Distancing yourself from the concept is largely a matter of working on your own headspace. It needs to become a place where it is possible to think about other things. That often means getting rid of mementos. Return what you can. Throw away and/or delete what you can. If there are things you must keep, put them in a box and put the box somewhere safe but out of sight.

Once you've done this, throw yourself at a new interest. Everyone has a backlog of things they thought would be neat to learn, but never got around to: it is time to take something off your list. I don't recommend artistic pursuits for this purpose -they have a nasty habit of backfiring- but anything else will do, as long as it's something you haven't done before. Your brain will be craving new things to think about, so it will absorb this information like a sponge.

>Cause iv been afflicted with it going on 10 years now. I know she won't ever love me back, but i can't help it.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I've had to deal with unrequited love myself before, sometimes going on for a year or so, but I can't imagine what ten years would be like. I hope it goes well for you in the future.

>>17115026
>there was
Was. Isn't now.

What kind of friend tells you they never want to speak to you again? Is that a friendly thing to say? Judge people based on their actions, not their words.

>>17115033
>>17115041
Good lord you faggots. I take one issue with one thing you say and you can't get over it. What will I ever do without your amazing advice of "you're a liar, move on"?

Look, we tried the friends thing. For awhile. We talked and acted natural and she told me she wanted to date a girl. I was upset at first but I got ok. Our breakup and no contact happened when we were starting to get intimate and it lead to a bad situation that I walked away from when I should have stayed and listened. At best you can say were BOTH naive.

Not I'm here trying to understand why that night ended in never speaking again and how we can be friends maybe, as unlikely as that is. Shit I've talked about this shit enough on my phone. I want real advice, not a bunch of bland assumptions about me. I think you guys need to soften your dicks up and realize that your experiences and canned advice doesn't fit every situation.

>>17115054
When they said that, I think I was being judged on my actions. Like the person in question isn't perfect, but she really didn't so anything wrong. I was the assholish tbqh.

>>17115067
>I'm trying to understand the other's feelings on this
>she really didn't so anything wrong. I was the assholish tbqh

Seems like you understand her feelings pretty well.

You will never be inside another person's head. Focus on what you can do to improve yourself. Look at your previous mistakes and learn from them. You are wasting time with why why why.