I've felt "frozen" in life for years now and am

University was tough, at least, the first semesters I attended. I was temporarily removed from campus by counselor fears of me being suicidal, though I believe it was just a very overwhelming transitional period. I was beginning to do better. Unfortunately I was 1.2 points in Physics short of maintaining my scholarship, so it was suspended for a semester. The proceeding events had left me a mess to date.

My parents, who I may have had reasons to dislike, but none to distrust, offered to pay for mys suspended semester. I went, and did fine enough to get my scholarship reinstated. Unfortunately, they never actually paid. They let the debt go in my name and let it be, not informing me until I attempted to register for the next semester and was shown to owe over $8,000 in debt. Not being able to go the next semester permanently forfeit my financial aid, and I discovered that my credit had been negatively affected from an unrelated loan taken out in my name by my parents.

I've since been out of school 18 months. I cannot afford it, though I'm hoping such will be different if I can land a job I'm applying for to replace my current one. I have no friends that aren't online and of varying availability, no loved ones aside form an ex who I've since gone fully no-contact with, and a family that I cannot trust but currently must depend on.

I'm afraid to try new things. I don't know why fully, but it's as if whenever I'm under the roof of this place, I'm immediately in a sour, melancholy mood. Nothing seems to help it. I cannot afford to move out with my current job (though if I land the one I applied for, I will be able to move out and return to school). I've been trying to get into the same two things since I started university (Drawing and music production) but always only maintain effort for around a week before forfeiting to the idea of never truly being cared about for it.

I believe I'm afraid to start things that take any considerable amount of time because I fear thinking about a passage of time so long and its inevitable march toward my likely unremarkable death. I wish I could believe in at least something, or care about something enough to not worry, but I can't.

I know thinking about dying happens from time to time, but it's literally an all-consuming thought for me. I can't enjoy anything, or even try to meet new people without fearing the inevitable loss, the inevitable nothingness. I get that anti-straw men can thrive under such a mindset, but I can't bring myself to do anything but feel miserable and hopeless over any ambitions that well up within me, and I just want to stop everything. I haven't progressed as a person in years.

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>>17001277

I wasn't going to read your thread (and I didn't), but this caught my eye:

>I believe I'm afraid to start things that take any considerable amount of time because I fear thinking about a passage of time so long and its inevitable march toward my likely unremarkable death. I wish I could believe in at least something, or care about something enough to not worry, but I can't.

Basically everything in life is risk. That is risk is giving up time for questionable gain. You can try or you can do nothing. But nothing is a choice too. The argument for nothing is marginal enjoyment, but let's be honest, you aren't enjoying that shit, are you?

Nonexistence in an infinite universe is a physical impossibility.
It's hard to say what kind of existence follows death, but it's not a blank void.

>>17001294
Not particularly, no.

>>17001491
Sorry, posted between updates. I thought our current model of the universe wasn't infinite, though? And there still exists impossibilities.

Hopefully if I get this job it'll help clear things up.

>>17001259
quote from the transporter 3: you arent afraid of dying because you dont know how to live.

>>17003099
Oh, sorry. I keep missing when I actually get reply.