>be closet trans >met trans online >met her in real

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>be closet trans
>met trans online
>met her in real life
>hang out a lot
>she's a bit ugly and neet but very intelligent and loving
>she tells me something, i think she told me she likes me and want us to be something
>im awkward and dont 100% like her
>tell her i dont feel the same way
>still hang with her because im her only friend
>keep her as a backup plan in case she gets pretty and start studying (she's clearly very intelligent)
>she overcome her depression (thanks to me I guess), accept herself, and start making new friends
>she always remind me im her best friend and the person who have helped her most
>spend a lot of time with her, watching movies, playing videogames, i borrow her my comics, she borrows me her music.
>spend a weekend at my house (my homophobic parents are out) and have such a nice time
<on the other side, my life keep getting worse, i get into selfharming, throwing up, im still a closet trans and im very homophobic from time to time, and i only think about killing myself but that have nothing to do with the story
>she start hanging out with another trans (or maybe crossdresser, we arent sure)
>she's always talking to her
>i start to get jealous
>she invited me to hang the 3 of us
>feel way too bad to go out
>dont like going to public places with her because im ashamed of what people think
>friend's birthday
>met the other transgirl
>she's pretty cute, put a lot of effort on passing, dresses a bit like shit but all the makeup and shaved body works fine
>they holds hand a lot and talk a lot
>utistic as fuck and also feel pretty bad deep inside
>in a room with a transgirl i like a lot in a sentimental way and a transgirl that turn me on physically
>afraid that they get closer and i get just left behind alone
>they are going to hang out in 3 hours and she invites me
>too scared of getting full awkward again
>ashamed of be seen with trannies in public

i dont know what i should do anymore
ask me anything while i decide if i go or not