My boyfriend of 4 years spent his childhood traveling forever

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We are both starting our careers, and that part of our future looks awesome. But the emotional part? What will that become?
It's so hard for me to figure out if it'll go sour or sweet. And I know, practically, these are probably red flags that won't have much turn around.
He's a good guy, and he's always trying to better himself. He's changed a lot [In a good way] since we first got together. So he's shown that he can work on himself.

So why can't he manage our relationship, even when I give him a clear message? I'm 26, by the way. He's 28. I have made it to the point in my life where I don't scream, I don't play games, I don't name call, and I try my best to communicate in the most efficient way I can. Calmly and clearly.

So why? Why can't he comfort me? Is it our different upbringing? Or, deep down, is he done with our relationship? And doesn't give a fuck about me? But is also stuck and held back by the comfort of being familiar and predictable?

>fuck him I only care about MY needs
K

>>16623840
Just tell him how you feel and show him that it is alright to show warmth at times. You need to understand he probably has communication problems and wants to go these things but does not know how to show affection.

>>16623842
I've explained to him during these conversations that I know there are things I do that bother him and to please let me know about them so that I can work on them as well. I know I am not perfect and have to work on my end too. Usually during these talks he stays quiet the whole time and doesn't put a lot of feed back in. And any time I mention the "tell me what I need to work on" part, he also has nothing to say. Even though I know there has to be things that bother him.

>>16623834

you keep asking
>why cant he comfort me
but you already stated that he spent his childhood traveling and his mom was a fucked up radical christian and that is why.

so why are you asking after you answered your own question?

I moved around a LOT too and i can relate to your bf. my friends are all shocked that i dont hug them on a regular basis. my exs all complained that i was too distant and a lot of the same issues you talk about.

I think the biggest issue here is that you are operating under the assumption
>I'm right, and he is wrong.

you arent though. you two were just raised in two distinctly different ways, and I, like your boyfriend, know how hard it can be to change when you were raised this way. it conditions you not to need people, becuase you say goodbye to them so fast. in return, you dont really understand how someone could really need you. you existed before him, and will exist after him, so in his/our mind, you can take care of yourself.

I also think you are getting your priorities quiote a bit wrong

>I got in a car crash TODAY
>he doesnt think its a big deal
>HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM

if the car crash was a big enough deal for him to be concerned, dont you think it would be for forefront of your mind? ur not really concerned about it anymore but you are expecting him to be. you are more upset by his reaction to the car crash then by the car crash itself. and by that logic, he shouldnt be concerned at all.

ultimately you shouldnt expect him to change. if you NEED this kind of comfort from another person, maybe it is time you move on and find someone else, odds are this will happen eventually.

out there is a guy who wont stop hugging you all day, and a girl who is pround of how independent your exboyfriend lets her be.

>>16623857

as someone who moved around a fuckton, id have to disagree. its easy to say 'I'm right and you are wrong' when its your own feelings that you believe to be true. but what about his boyfriends feelings? its not hard to understand 'hug ur gf of 4 years when shes upset'. its not hard. its not that he WANTS to. he literally doesnt. otherwise he would.

he was raised in an enviornment where you cant rely on anyone. if hes moved around a lot, this relationship might be the first experience with anything lasting more than 4 years. I've yet to have any relationship platonic or romantic last more than 1.5 years because of my upbringing.

its not that people like her bf and me are wrong. its just that were different. and that shoudl be okay.

>>16623858

hed probably rather deal wiht your issues than put you through the struggle of trying to change yourself for him.

and i dont mean that to say hes inherently selfless or something like that, but again, if he moved a lot, he probably understands justd how temporary everything can be, and doesnt want you to change on account of him. you were who you were before him, and you will be who you are after.

>>16623865
>so why are you asking after you answered your own question?

Because I am trying to see if there are other answers out there. My biggest issue with how I think comes from having to rely on myself to figure everything else. I'm on an anonymous advice board because I literally have no one else I can talk to about this. My mom, my best friend, co workers, I can't go to anyone because I don't want them to view him in a negative light. It's hard.

It's not that I think I'm right and he's wrong. I know his life was hard. It was seriously fucked up. On top of moving, his family was often homless, lived in churches while having religion shoved down his throat, etc. That's why it's taken my 4 years to start getting seriously upset that I'm not receiving any emotional support when I'm distraught.

I see what you're saying about who we were before and protecting that right, but we are both young, and working together. A relationship should be something that both parties maintain, and communication is key. I feel seriously lost, confused, and heart broken when he won't at least hold my hand to show me he's there for me. The response I get is that my emotional break downs are just a burden. The added heartbreak and anxiety I experience is something that actually bothers me, and I would have hoped through communication would be something we could help fix together.
It's not that he's not affectionate. He is when we're happy. It's just these times. I don't know. I do understand what you're saying, but it's a tough pill for me to swallow. I don't feel loved when these situations happen, I feel lost, alone, and seriously un loved by someone who I would likely die for.


>

Whenever he is feeling down, I always do anything I can to make sure he understands I love him and will do anything for him to make him comfortable or make his situation better.

>>16623865
>out there is a guy who wont stop hugging you all day, and a girl who is pround of how independent your exboyfriend lets her be.

I agree. That is what is making this a nightmare for me. I love him. I have spent the last four years of my life mapping out our life together, and it's something that I still really want. But then, I wonder if we can both be happier. And I don't know if I have the courage to find out, because of how much I still want to be with him and try and work things like this out.

>>16623959
P.s. My mind if still a little jumbled from the accident and I think it is showing in my conversation here. Sorry if I didn't address everything you took the time to write to me correctly.

>>16623959

the way you paint him he is very hardened. you are asking him to undo all of that. and realistically you can't. he could pretend to be there for you at best, but that'd be more hollow.

if you are the kind of person who NEEDS someone to hold them through these experiences, than its probably time to move on.

I know you are saying that its something you BOTH need to maintain, but you arent asking that you both maintain it. you are asking that he changes himself. im sure you love him, and its hard to love every aspect of someone, but this is a BIG aspect of him. its practically the basis of him, the premise of his entire life.

if thats something you cant accept, then it might be time to move on.

>>16623971

everyone wants to keep being with their partner even when things are at the worst. its mostly because they dont like change. your bf is probably very used to change. he will likely be upset by this, but it will be just another part of life. hes already experienced harsher changes than this a thousand times over. I can't speak for ur bf at all, but me being in my situation of moving a lot (Which doesnt sound nearly as bad as his, so he might be 'further down the rabbit hole' then i am) i have never 'mapped out my life' with someone.

so i dont imagine your bf has either. hes probably along for the ride and loves you to death and wants it to last as long as possible, but based on everything that happened i would imagine he has already prepared himself for the end. its what people like him do.