Help me /adv/, I'm riddled with guilt and don't know

Fuck that, I'm a female and if I found out you did it TWICE and the second time was out of impulse I would've left your ass in 2.5 seconds. Even though you didn't physically touch this chick, I still would have lost my shit. Tell her the truth. Now.

>>16567444
>it was a stupid mistake and I regret it every second
So you do it twice. Riiight.

>This is my first real relationship and I keep telling myself it's ok because I'm not yet accustomed to being in a relationship.
That's bullshit. You make bad decisions because you don't really care about her, and you're going to keep making excuses for yourself. I'm in a relationship well over a decade long, it was my first real relationship, and I've never done anything like that because I love and respect the person I'm with. Love is when you don't allow yourself to give into temptation, insecurity, loneliness, etc. because you fear hurting the most important person in your life. It's an active decision to treat their feelings responsibly.

>We've been together a while since this and I absolutely love her but feel like telling her now would only ruin the good thing we have going.
>But it's not fair to not tell her, right?
You're right, it's not fair. But given that it was far in the past, it wasn't an emotional attachment, and you're being upfront about what happened, there's a good chance she'll overlook it. Your trust will be damaged for some time, and you'll have to bust your ass to make her trust you again. But you'll have peace of mind. You'll stop hating yourself.

>>16567467
It wasn't the same chick both times, but I don't think that really matters. You're right, but damn I wish you weren't. Time to reap what I've sown.

I'm also a female. And I say don't tell her. I'm completely against cheating but you didn't actually physically cheat. At this point if you tell her it's just going to hurt her. Sounds like you've punished yourself enough. As long as you didn't save the girls pictures, no chance of these girls contacting her, and you never do it again I say do her a favor and let it go.

Anon don't tell her. The guilt your feeling is a good thing, take this guilt and put it too good use. Every new day is another chance to improve, if you really love her swallow the guilt and let it be a reminder how quickly you can fuck a good thing up

>>16567484
>I'm completely against cheating but you didn't actually physically cheat.
Men and women see cheating differently. For women, as long as there's no emotional attachment, it's more easy to forgive. For men, it's the other way around.

>At this point if you tell her it's just going to hurt her.
Probably, but it has the potential to make their relationship stronger if they can get through it. If he gets in the habit of keeping secrets, just to avoid hurting her, then they're just living a lie.

>>16567444
Your only chance is confessing and begging for forgiveness.

Your other options have potentially awful outcomes.
(guilt if you hide it and she'll probably find out eventually anyways)

Have a good excuse as to why you didn't tell her until now, though. You should have told her right away and she probably would have forgiven you. Your hesitation is what will get you in trouble

>>16567484
See, this is what I want to hear and that's exactly why I don't know if it's right. Yet I don't want to hurt her, and telling her will devastate her, she's a very emotional person and I'm the center of her world right now. If I knew then how much she'd grow to love me I never would have done it. If I tell her, things will never be the same.

>>16567498
I disagree with that Anon.
You will be hurting her more in the long run if you don't tell her.
Also, if you don't face the consequences for this, it will fuck YOU up. You could *potentially* be in the relationshio for the rest of your life. Is this something you want hanging over you when you have kids or are married? No. You'll be a nervous wreck. If you had zero remorse, you may be able to get away without confessing. However, since you're a good person at heart, your mind isn't going to let you get away that easy.

You need to learn from this experience, and so does she. This is one of the many obsticles that you two will face together if the relationship continues. You need to work through this together.

>>16567498


>ignores the good posts out of fear and selfishness

youre not doing any good to the relationship by not telling her

>>16567519
>goodposts

He didn't have any physical contact with another girl. He essentially looked at porn. He obviously feels like shit. The saying "what you don't know can't hurt you" is exactly what needs to happen here. Telling her may make you feel better because of the guilt but its going to hurt her. Just don't do it again.

>>16567519
I'm not ignoring any good posts I'm taking into account every opinion expressed here. Also, I feel like complete shit and it's affected both my academic performance and my mental health this past semester. Even if she forgives me, I don't think I can ever realistically think I'm a good person again.

>>16567444

Dude you didn't cheat.

>>16567557
I wish I could just take that for face value and feel better, but I don't think it works that way.

>>16567557
Yes, he did. If you have to hide something like that from your partner, it's cheating.

>>16567578
He looked at pictures of naked girls and jacked off.

Is watching porn in a relationship cheating? As long as you didn't get emotional with them or physically touch them there's no reason to tell her.

>>16567585

Yes because sending naked pictures of yourself to a stranger is exactly what you do in a relationship. Doing that and watching porn are two very different things.

I get the feeling if this was a girl sending nudes to some guy you'd be the type to call her a cheating whore. That's not what you do in a relationship, and now the trust that was there is gone.

>>16567585
That's all it was to me. I had a bad habit of doing it and porn addiction before our relationship too, so my brain just kind of relapsed into the pleasure giving sensation it gave and I later had to realize my lusts could no longer mandate my actions as I was in a relationship. I'm going to go ahead and keep it to myself as Christmas is coming up and it's her favorite time of the year and I'm planning a really big surprise for her and telling her about all this now would ruin it. I haven't forgiven myself, and I'll take the guilt and hurt myself over hurting her for now. If I'm a piece of human trash, so be it. But I can't stand to make her hurt from this, I promised myself I never would.

>>16567585
He communicated on a personal level with another human for sexual contact.
In porn, it's just videos. The porn stars don't know who's jerking off to them or when it's happening, so it's not an "interaction" between two people.

Op activly participated in a sexual experience with another girl.

I don't think I'd define what he did as "cheating" bc it's no where near as bad as sleeping with someone else, but it's the same sentiment to a much lesser extent.
What OP did was dishonest, and the GF deserves to know.

>>16567612
Actually the trust is still intact unless he tells her about something that's not really that bad. It was shitty sure. But telling her ruins their trust and hurts her. And if this was the girl and she just sent some pictures with a random on the Internet and felt this bad I'd tell her the same thing. That was fucked up, don't do it again, and don't tell them about it. His punishment is the guilt only he has to carry around and that's a constant reminder of what cheating would be like.

>>16567635
Have you never been to /soc/? Camwhores, penis threads, body rating, etc. it's just porn with a different approach to get off to.

>>16567627
Op you're making a huge mistake. Stop deluding yourself. What you did was LUSTFUL, but don't put this in the same catagory as watching porn because it is a lot more than that.
That's like if I was in to hookup culture before marrying my wife and then said "oh i was just so used to the single life oops I guess I cheated on you haha old habits die hard"

The longer you wait, the more serious this becomes. With every day you let pass, there is a chance she'll find out for herself. Also, she'll become increasingly less likely to forgive you. I would forgive my SO for something like this, but "I swapped messages with someone last week I feel so bad please forgive me" is a LOT better than "I swapped messages with someone last YEAR please forgive me."

Any excuse you are making for yourself is for your own benefit because you are a coward.
You really want to not hurt her? Is that really your priority?
If it was, you'd break up with her. You obviously arnt mature enough to be in a relationship with her if you can't even admit a moment of weakness like this. You're building a relationship on lies. It's time to either get out and end the relationship, or to come forward and beg for forgiveness.

Don't be a coward

>>16567578
Hiding something from a partner doesn't imply cheating in any way. He had no physical contact with these girls and no emotional connection with them so I don't think you can really consider this cheating.
>>16567576
I can see why this is a tricky situation for you. I wouldn't say you cheated at all, but you feel that you betrayed her because you did. You know you shouldn't be doing these sorts of things when you're in a committed relationship. At the same time though, because you didn't actually cheat, you don't feel like this is even worth bringing up because it could (probably will) harm the relationship.

That being said, I would say you should tell her. You may not be cheating, but you're doing pretty much the closest thing to it. Most people wouldn't even like it if their partners were flirting with random people over the internet so I hope you can see how wrong it is to send naked pictures. Don't be a shitbag OP, be honest with her. If she decides to dump your ass because of that then at least you know you deserve it.
>>16567639
Well I guess it comes down to what you value more in a relationship, honesty or safety. Using the logic of "if they don't know then at least they won't hurt" doesn't sound like something I would like to indulge because I would rather have a gf that cheats on me and is honest about it no matter how much it hurts than one who cheats and lies to protect my feelings.

>>16567644
I am actually a camwhore on soc.

It is VERY different than porn. The personal interaction between the camwhore and the audience adds a totally different level to it. Why else would guys prefer to masterbate to me when there are so many amazing sites with high quality videos and hi-red pics? The personal element of it all completally changes things.
Also, by PARTICIPATING, op made a mistake. He SWAPPER photos, he didn't just look at photos of her. The fact that it was a 1 on 1 private interaction makes it even more intimate

>>16567663
Well, it's settled. I'm telling her. I'm gonna have to wait a little bit because our families are spending Christmas together and telling her as soon as possible could royally fuck up the entire holiday. I think we're strong enough to overcome this as she's done me wrong too, not quite to the level I have to her. If anything, maybe she won't think so unrealistically high of me afterwards which could be good,

>>16567663
I'm not saying it should apply to every situation but in this case it's the better decision

>>16567665
Do you think all the men in camwhore or penis threads are single? Are they all cheaters who should tell their so about camwhores?

>>16567677
You're doing the right thing, Anon.

Couples face lots of obsticals. If she's mature and ready for a serious relationship, she will forgive you. She may be upset, but just be sure to reassure her that you love her more than anyone and that it was a stupid mistake and that you feel so so guilty and will never do it again.

To be honest, you seem to have learned your lesson and you barely did anything that could be labeled as "cheating", so it may actually reassure her that you won't make a worse mistake in the future

>>16567557
>>16567540

>implying that if I found out my girl was sending nudes and recieveing nudes from some guy that I wouldn't drop her like a rock.

You're a kek to the max if you think the only thing that qualifies as cheating as penis in vagina.

>>16567678
I'm not sure you know how camwhore threads totally work- people can make requests or comment on what I'm doing, but I don't see their junk at all. it interaction is lopsided- I'm participating 90%, they're participating 10%.
In porn, the girl is participating 100% and the boy is 0%

In an interaction like the one OP described, both partners are participating 50%. They're both seeing eachother naked and activly trying to get the other one off.

Also, I would never camwhore if I were someone who participated in monogamous, traditional relationships like the one OP is in. And I would be upset if my monogamous partner had a habit of only masterbating to cam girls.

>>16567677
Honestly it sounds like a forgivable thing for most people. She'll almost definitely be mad and maybe want a little space but you really didn't go too far and telling the truth about it shows a real maturity that hopefully she'll at least respect. And don't be so hard on yourself, the fact that you feel guilty about it at all means you're a decent person who knows boundaries between right and wrong, you just strayed a little bit which we all tend to do every now and again.

And waiting until after Christmas does sound like the right move here. But make sure to do it soon after because like the other guy said, the longer you wait the harder it may be to forgive.
>>16567678
I just think the only time that can really apply is with things that are purely a matter of fantasy. Like if he had a dream about another woman or something then yeah that doesn't necessarily need to be spoken of. Or if he watches some weird porn or whatever then fine, unless he specifically agreed that he wouldn't watch porn (because some girls get weird about that) then that's fine to. But once you start acting on those fantasies or engaging with the material then the partner really should know about it.

If you don't tell her, she's only going to find out down the track anyway, and it will hurt her more the longer she goes without knowing.

If my bf came to me and told me he did that, then I could try and forgive him. It may take a while, but the hurt I'd feel then wouldn't compare to the hurt I'd feel weeks/months/years later when I find out or he grows a pair and comes clean. And if I did find out through any other way other than him directly telling me, I'd never be able to trust him the same again.

You broke that trust, she deserves to know so she can do what's best for her. If you're genuinely remorseful, make sure she knows that.

Tell her asap OP. Wait until after Christmas, sure, but the sooner the better.

>>16567444
>Help me /adv/, I'm riddled with guilt and don't know if I should tell my gf I cheated.
Then you should tell her. If she leaves because of it, that's your penance. But if you don't tell her, the act of hiding it will eat you up inside just as much as what you actually did.

The truth will set you free, if you let ut. That doesn't mean there won't be consequences for what you did: there will be, even if she chooses to forgive you. But things cannot start to improve until you face the music: it is what makes healing possible.