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My wife's ex boyfriend is driving me fucking nuts. Years

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My wife's ex boyfriend is driving me fucking nuts.

Years ago my wife dated the family friend for about a year. He broke up with her, but they remained friends. He lives literally across the country now.

I've struggled with their relationship since we started dating. I'm not normally a jealous guy; one of her best guy friends (of course, they never dated) was the officiant at our wedding. When I met her, she lived with her best guy friend, and I'm now great friends with the guy. Hell, I've hung out with an ex of hers before, when went to a show together. I didn't mind, shook the guys hand, everything was fine. I get it.

So what bothers me about this particuular ex? Let's call him John. John texts my wife. Sometimes my wife texts him ("Hey! That band you love came out with a new album, what do you think?"). John likes all of my wife's pictures on social media, but always the ones that don't have me in them. My wife likes all of his picture on social media.

I know, from conversations with her brother and father, that she was his only real girlfriend... ever.

So here's the thing. I don't think she would ever do anything. I truly don't. But I think he still has a thing for her, and for some reason I can't help but think she has some sort of nostalgic thing for him as well. That's what bothers me.

I have no one like that. My wife was my first serious relationship. I hooked up with a ton of girls in college and stuff, but never established a real emotional bond with anyone until her. So I struggle to understand how you can mantain a friendship with someone like that.

It's driving me insane. She knows it bothers me, but not nearly as much as I let on.

The hypocrisy makes me upset as well. If she found out I was texting and talking with a girl I used to bang, she would lose her shit.

This is the thorn in my marriage's side that makes me very, very unhappy, /adv/. Help a brother out. I feel like I'm crazy and I don't want to be.
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I bet you think they haven't already fucked, don't you.
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You don't need our advice, dude. You know exactly what to do -- sit down and have a long, serious conversation (in which you hold your ground but also keep your temper and listen) and let her know exactly how much this bothers you. We can't walk you through the conversation because we can't predict what she'll say; I'm sorry, I wish we could.

I will say that, although everybody has different ideas where the boundaries should lie, I think most people (well over 50%) would be uncomfortable with this situation. Personally I don't think one can expect to remain friends with exes and pursue new relationships -- some very gracious and generous partners are willing to allow it, but that should always be seen as a privilege, not a right. Expecting to remain friends with an ex who still has a thing for you is unreasonable, doubly so if she wouldn't extend the same courtesy and trust to you. So if she tries to turn this around on you and make you feel bad -- don't let her. You're not in the wrong.

IF she goes off on you and accuses you of not trusting her (a very bad sign), DO make it clear that you are not actually concerned that she might cheat with this guy, but that you still can't help feeling angry and jealous, it's not exactly your intellect that's reacting here. Tell her that this situation would make most people upset, that you're not going to feel bad for reacting like most people would, and that it's just a basic show of respect to not put your partner in that kind of situation -- put that all in your own words of course.
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>>16523660
>The hypocrisy makes me upset as well. If she found out I was texting and talking with a girl I used to bang, she would lose her shit.
That's an entirely different thing though. Someone you've only had a sexual connection with vs a long time family friend. Your only reasons to contact someone you hooked up with would be to hook up again. Ex who is the family friend is... well, still the family friend. He's being shitty by avoiding liking pictures with you in them, but your only examples from your wife are just friendly.

If this has always been a struggle for you, why did you get married before working it out?
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>>16523686

Eh, I do know he hasn't been back on this side of the country in years so I know they haven't. Thanks for the concern though.

>>16523689

Thanks Anon. I've talked ot her about it but always felt bad. Like I'm the crazy guy. I think I need to have one more talk with her about it and specifically tell her about the social media and texting.

But I can't help but feel like thats a

>HURR DURR u mad about FACEBOOK??

You know? A part of me feels like being upset about social media... LIKES of all things is immature.

>>16523702

>Someone you've only had a sexual connection with vs a long time family friend. Your only reasons to contact someone you hooked up with would be to hook up again. Ex who is the family friend is... well, still the family friend.

That's a great point.

>If this has always been a struggle for you, why did you get married before working it out?

I've always felt bad for feeling this way, and never really talked about it. I didn't want to be the 'crazy' boyfriend/husand who goes 'YOU CAN'T TALK TO THAT FAMILY FRIEND OF YOURS, WHO EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY KNOWS WELL AND ENJOYS!'
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Meh, it sounds like one of those "relax, but be observant" situations. I have no doubt that he'd try to capitalize on any tension in your marriage. I just don't get the impression that the two of them would slide down that road while things are on the up and up.

I get where you're coming from though. I think both you and I have this concept of propriety that comes from the time before stuff like social media and constant long-distance contact. Like if she acted this same way but with phone calls and letters it would be much more clear cut, right? Her own parents would tell her that this is no way for a married woman to act. But this is Facebook, ya know? It's nothing. Everyone uses it. It's all just trivial clicking. Except it's the same human beings involved in both of those scenarios and I think that detail gets forgotten. I think this is just one of the complications of our times man. I say you sit back and keep an eye on it. There's nothing to say until there's something to say it about.
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>>16523660
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1hWp8BW43eZ
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>>16523782

I understand how you feel, no man on earth likes a guy talking to his woman.

But you said the guy lives far far away from you, I find it hard to believe he's trying to fuck your wife or something

He's probably being friendly with her, wouldn't worry about it if the guy is as far away as you said he is.
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1) If you're a man, don't get married, period. Nothing to win, everything to lose.

2) If you ignore the above, never marry a woman who's been alpha-widowed. If you're not her alpha, the man she secretly dreams at night, then she's not yours, and she never was.

3) If you ignore both the above, by which point you've already doomed both your marriage and your marriage without even realizing, at least have the caution not to let her contact her alpha. Ever. Under any pretexts. Not facebook-stalking, not just-a-coffee, not anything. Either she cuts all contact immediatelly or you leave her.

4) Violation of any of the above, dump her, protect your assets and find a lawyer if you have to. She might be "nice" but her lawyer won't be.

This is the best advice you'll ever get.
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>>16523782
You know, I'd freely admit to her when you have The Talk that taking trivial social media shit like this seriously does embarrass you a little, but that you don't believe that invalidates what you're feeling or makes his behavior appropriate. Also that you realize you should have made the level of your discomfort at this clear a long time ago but you didn't want to come across as unreasonably jealous, and it's not like you have a problem with her having male friends in general -- it's this particular guy's behavior that bothers you.

I also have to slightly disagree with the other anon:
>>16523702
It's true that the two hypothetical situations aren't perfect parallels, but in my opinion, he's not "still the family friend" to her anymore. When you start fucking the family friend, they cease to be the family friend and become the boyfriend, and when you stop they become your ex. It's not OK to expect your partners to apply special rules to your ex because of the history you had with them before you started dating.

But like I said -- everybody thinks the boundaries fall in different places. C'est la vie.
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>>16523809
>and find a lawyer if you have to. She might be "nice" but her lawyer won't be.

This.

Tip from a non-american attorney: find the meanest, most heartless MALE lawyer with the best reputation in Family Court you can find.

Avoid female ones like the plague.
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>>16523833
>Tip from a non-american attorney: find the meanest, most heartless MALE lawyer with the best reputation in Family Court you can find.
lel when your own lawyer turns on you in front of the judge with "we need to be fair to her" bullshit, you know you're truly fucked
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>>16523822
>but in my opinion, he's not "still the family friend" to her anymore
I completely understand why OP feels uncomfortable (as the anon you disagreed with) but you're disagreeing because it's your opinion that she shouldn't consider him the family friend anymore. What if they family still considers him the family friend? Should she hold tight to viewing him as the ex? That seems awkward and would point more to not being over it. Feeling like someone should feel a certain way isn't really an argument and doesn't change anything.

And yeah, it's not ok to expect your partner to just automatically accept exes. But if someone knows how much contact you have with an ex, hasn't made a big deal, and marries you... would it be ok to think it wasn't a huge issue?
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>>16523903
I had an ex similar to OP's wife and out of respect to our the relationship to the man I married I cut the guy out. It started gradually and just disappeared. It wasn't hard. Priorities and I didn't want to confuse anyone much less my husband. I do have male friends but they respect my relationship with my husband and so do I
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>>16523799
>no man on earth likes a guy talking to his woman
Want to know how I know this is your first time here? :^)
Thread posts: 15
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