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Hi /adv/. I need some relationship advice or..something. I'm

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Hi /adv/. I need some relationship advice or..something. I'm not sure what category this will fall into. I'd like to start off by saying it isn't a huge deal in the first place. Really. I'll do my best to avoid any hyperbole.

The back story,
I have a girlfriend. We've been together for three years. We're both in graduate school at different universities, and I drive 5 hours every weekend to see her for 3-4 days then come home for 3-4 days. We're very close in general. Best friend type of relationship, and I'm really happy with her.

Ok, with that out of the way:

Today we were talking. She was having a rough day with classes. I was too, honestly. Just one of those days. While we were both kind of agreeing that today stinks, she says something along the lines of "but there's a silver lining to the day!"

From there she basically told me she had gotten a $50 ticket to Denver, CO. - essentially across the country - and because of her dads job she was getting a free room there too. I responded with an "oh cool" type response, and afterward she said she thought a couple of her friends might want to go.

I left the interaction with my feelings hurt for two reasons.

For Christmas I had planned to take her somewhere. We've discussed it off and on through the last year, but I haven't brought it up in a couple of months so it would kind of fade from her memory and be a bit of a surprise. I'm building her a piece of furniture for Christmas, and the idea was to put a letter inside asking her if she would like to go on the trip with me. There's now no time left for this, at all, and I'm a little disappointed she didn't even think about our many discussions about how we would like to go somewhere together.

cont.
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Second, and probably more tangible, I'm a little upset she didn't invite me, or that she didn't consider her trip is in direct conflict with the tiny window of time out of the year we get to see each other regularly. We visit our individual families on Christmas break, about an hour away from each other, and its an odd time of year where we get to do more..well..couple-like things like going on proper dates where we aren't stressed about school. This Christmas she is already taking a big trip with her family, where she won't see me for the entire first part of the break(we get out of school next week, and she's leaving until christmas eve). We're doing Christmas together the day after Christmas because of this trip, usually we would do it the day before Christmas eve. Her trip to Denver is a week, from the 2nd of January to the 8th. Our school starts back on the 11th. What this means is we're probably barely going to see each other at all for the whole month, a month that is usually the one small period of time where we get to really see each other. I'm disappointed and upset about this, and even at points that I've convinced myself it's wrong to feel that way, I can't help it. I want her to go. I want her to have fun. But at the same time I can't help but be heart broken that she doesn't value this little bit of time we have together.

cont once more
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Oh, a little more context: We saw each other for less than a day over our 13 day Thanksgiving break.

We had a short text conversation in which I almost slipped and clued her in that I'm upset about the trip, it went like this:
Her "How's it going? You seem sad."
Me: "I've just been thinking about Christmas break. After everything that happened last summer and over Thanksgiving and every other break we've had this year I'm afraid this is going to be another big break where we can't find time to see each other."
Her: "I'm coming to see you right after Christmas!"
Me: "Yes. You're right. I'm sorry. It's just hard being away from you all of the time. I've been feeling really lonely since you left Tuesday, and I know that's dumb."
Her: "Do you not want me to go on my trip?"
Me: "No. That's not it. I'm just feeling lonely and it's influencing me a little more than I should let it."
Her: "I'm sorry. I love you."


sorry, just over character limit one last time and idk what to cut. one more post after this.
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Not sure what to do. Any advice about this would be welcome. I realize I haven't asked a proper question, that's because I don't know how to. I don't know what to say about this. I'm not even sure if I'm right or wrong to be upset. I don't know. I've been feeling terribly down lately, I saw her the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, a week ago, for like six hours. I drove an hour to pick her up, was with her for a few hours, then drove her back. That was it for a nearly two week break. Since then I've been really depressed and lonely in a kind of way I never have before. I think it's just the distance of our relationship getting to me. I've been dreading the long break from the time school lets out to when she will get back(I'm seeing her for a couple of days before she leaves thankfully), but inviting her on that trip was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. Even if she had invited me on this trip it would have all been the same to me. I just want to be with her some. I really don't want to let my emotional state get in the way of her ideas and plans though. She never sees the friends she's inviting - they had to move like a thousand miles away last year. I don't want to be a burden, but I don't know how to deal with these feelings. It's just really hard. I hope someone understands and has something to say about this.

Thanks in advance. For anything at all. Sorry this ended up so long. I'm not in a place to try and edit my feelings and thoughts down to a tiny post. I hope some of you can get through this and maybe at least give your thoughts.
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Need to let her live her own life.

You need to give her room to run, bro.

You are not the focal point of her life. Piss poor idea to project you own desires and priorities onto her. You are mostly happy with her for who she is, and who she is is a person who got a cheap ticket and a chance to do something she hasn't done before. Take this time to work on your own projects and ideas. Other people still exist.


Also, you need to edit this shit down. Jesus Christ.
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>>16522920
That's the point of this post I think. To figure out what to do with myself. I don't want to interrupt her life. I'm just frustrated and upset and lonely. It isn't right to feel constant loneliness when in a comitted relationship. It's hard, because the last thing I want to be is a burden.
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If they're her friends that she never sees, it makes sense she wouldn't invite you. I'm assuming it's just girls and not other couples. Your well intended plan of not mentioning the trip anymore probably made her think you changed your mind. It sucks not getting to be together around the holidays when you're more free, but you're still seeing each other pretty often if you go there every weekend. You just need to get through this holiday, and back to your normal schedule.
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I sort of only got the spark notes of the thread by skimming.
>>16522920
I'm pretty sure this guy is trying to pin some greater meaning on a singular, banal issue. It's easy to pinpoint times in a relationship where you may have inhibited the person. The important question is do they feel that way as well or are you making weird hypothetical realities in your head.

It sounds to me like you were less concerned with her happiness as a result of the gift and more concerned with the satisfaction presenting it would give. I would work less on not controlling her life (?) and more on trying not to be subconsciously selfish.
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>>16523152
It's a couple. Well, one of them is a female->male trans. But they're together. Thank you for the post.
>>16523178
I don't think I'm all that selfish. I work, maintain a graduate school workload, and rarely ask her to go out of her way for anything. I sit alone most nights and never say a thing about it. I was just looking forward to a chance to be with her, and it hurts that her perspective of our holiday break is so different from mine.

Truthfully, the disappointment of having my potential trip with her discarded isn't the primary point here I don't think. I'm trying to deal with two things - one, she didn't invite me on her trip that falls in the middle of what was going to be our tiny 2 week window of together time. This hurts.

Two, I don't want my currently strained emotional state to bring her down.

Simply put, I'm really really sad about life in general right now, and this situation isn't black and white enough for me to totally convince myself that I am thoroughly wrong to be hurt. I'm in a state right now mentally and emotionally where I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I think the selfish thing would have been to be outwardly mad or upset about this. I don't think being sad internally about losing my only chance to see my girlfriend for an extended period of time until late next year is all that unreasonable or selfish. It's human. I need help figuring out how to be a human and deal with this at this fragile point in my life.
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>>16523673
>>16523152
Oh, also, as for the seeing each other every weekend comment..I missed that..

Yes, we see each other. But 90% of it is dealing with the strain of her room mates and dogs and our school and everything else. Most of the time we lay in bed across from each other and work the whole time. We cuddle at night, and try to fit in going out to eat or her cooking something or watching a movie together a few times a weekend, but we're only seeing each other to an extent that keeps us sane. Breaks like spring break(if we don't have huge projects, which we usually do, we're in grad school), thanksgiving break(which never works out because her family is big and keeps her busy), and christmas break are our only reasonable times to see each other. There's a very real likelihood that because this has happened I won't be able to spend two consecutive, normal days with my girlfriend just being together for over a year. There may be the rare occasional day where we're both in a position to put everything aside when I'm visiting, but these days only generally come when one of us is feeling down enough that it's a necessity. It's never a trip. It's never serious time together to talk. It's just an occasional day.
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giving it another bump
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I'd be hurt too. Doesn't necessarily mean what she did was wrong per se -- sounds like sort of a miscommunication. Given your (very tough) situation, I'd say she should have at least invited you on the trip. Like, this isn't a relationship-ending mistake or anything, but a little crappy.

You didn't really ask a question, but I guess my advice would be to sit down and talk to her. Say you know you're being sensitive and you're not mad she forgot about the trip you were planning, but you were so looking forward to seeing her for a solid block of time. Say you know that she rarely gets to see her friends and understand if she wants to see them alone, but the distance is getting to you and you can't help feeling pretty hurt that she didn't invite you along. Then let her talk.
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>>16523874
Thank you. I'm just really afraid to talk to her. I don't want to make a mistake. She doesn't have it easy either. She made a comment long ago about me bringing her down when I asked if she could just not do something and stay with me. Maybe I had asked that kind of question too many times. It was in the infancy of our relationship. I don't know why it happened. It was a different time and place in my life. When we met I went through a serious slump because my then home situation entered a sudden downward spiral and I got diagnosed with a pretty serious medical condition in conjunction with that.

Anyway, since that comment I've been overly aware of how I let my state influence her. She doesn't have it easy either, and I really want her to have fun. I don't want to make her feel guilty. There's just not enough time in the world and I'm afraid of feeling the way I do right now in a month when it's too late to say anything. I have no way to predict if I will get over it and be happy for her, or if I'm going to become an emotional wreck sitting alone knowing I'm not going to see her again once she leaves after visiting for a few days. That's a hard thing to sit her down and say when I'm the one who usually has to be strong and carry the weight of our situation.
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>>16523901
Another potentially relevant comment, I entered a near panic when she asked if I didn't want her to go on the trip as referenced in this post >>16522805


I really want her to do anything that makes her happy. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to make her feel guilty for doing this. It feels like there is no right way and when I think about it I just want to cry. I know this is stupid. I'm an adult. I've just been waiting to have a normal situation - not only with her, but with my life in general - for nearly four years and it can be so hard sometimes to endure. She told me the other day that she wants to move back home for a year when she gets out of school because she is graduating before me and she needs to get a 1 year certification at a university. She was going to come live with me and do it at my university, but instead she decided to do it at the university she grew up across the street from. I understand, she wants to see her family one last time before she goes off into the world, that's exactly what she said. But I went home and cried for two days over the idea of being alone for another year. I know that's off topic, but I hope it continues to illustrate my situation.
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>>16523901
>>16523923
Well, I still think you should talk to her. It's not about guilting her, it's about opening up a dialogue, letting her know you felt hurt, and seeing what she has to say. Do make it clear that you're not trying to guilt her, you really want her to have fun and you're not angling to get invited on the trip. You just miss her more than perhaps you've let on.

It's hard for me to gauge how aware of all of this she might be. She might honestly be just be ignorant of how bad you're feeling. I mean, nobody likes long distance relationships, but there's a world of difference between thinking "eh, he's a little bluesy about it, I get that way too" and realizing "goddamn, this is really tearing him up."

In my experience bottling this shit up is just a recipe for disaster. Talking about it isn't ideal -- the ideal would be for there to be no problem to talk about in the first place! -- but it's your only option.
>I'm the one who usually has to be strong and carry the weight of our situation
Don't do this! I did that for a year and it fucked up a relationship I valued very much. Part of maturity, part of being a grown-ass man, in my opinion, is accepting that you're not strong enough to carry the weight of all your relationship's problems on your own, and that sometimes you just gotta admit when it's getting to be too much.

I don't really know what she might say in response to all this (Do try and keep things civil, obviously ... it's easy to sound accusatory without meaning to. But I'm sure I don't need tell you that.) But I bet after the talk you feel better, even if all that happens is she apologizes for not inviting you and reassures you how much she loves you.
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>>16523985
Thank you for the post. I'm going to do my best to talk to her when I go there to help her pack after finals next weekend. At worst I'll mess up my one other day to see her over the break. I just hope it goes as well as it's supposed to on paper.
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>>16523995
I really do too. That part's up to you -- and to her. From what you've posted, she sounds fair-minded and reasonable, so I'm hoping there won't be any fireworks. Best of luck.
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This seems like a really fucked time to try to have a relationship, but I want to point out that right now it seems like you're doing all of the heavy lifting with driving distances to see her constantly and she's not really letting that sink in.

Or, she's completely fine with the situation she's in with you right now, which seems to be the case. I understand wanting to see your friends on a fun mini-vacation, but that's she's essentially traveling with everyone on break, except you, should tell you something.

>>16522805
This conversation is seriously just such a dry, one-sided conversation. Sounds like the shit I'd say to a friend I didn't feel like talking to:
"Having the worst day..."
"Man, that sucks, sorry : ("

She seems really attached to her family? And yes you are adults, and yes, you can still love your family and hang out and visit, but that she's specifically NOT moving any closer to you, and in fact, moving back in with her family signals that she's still pretty reliant and immature.

This relationship, and how it's working, just isn't killing her the way it's killing you, and that's either because she doesn't care as much or she can't comprehend how her actions could make someone feel. None of this sounds like how you'd expect 2 people in a 3-year long relationship to act towards each other.

I don't mean to upset you more than you are, but you're really, really straining yourself for a person who, really, really, doesn't see that it's a problem.
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>>16524072
>She seems really attached to her family?
Her family is abnormally close, but in like some kind of dysfunctional way. I guess a way to put it would be that they make up for their dysfunction with the closeness.

As for her being less invested, I guess the big thing is that because she is at home when I visit she seems to get more out of it. She's in the mental state of being at her house, continuing her schedule, etc. whereas I live between two places and am in a constant flux. To her the times we get to go out or be alone are a nice break, to me they are the fleeting moments I dedicate my life to. Her answer to me bringing this up, or at least trying to, is "you don't have to visit as much. we have our whole lives ahead of us", but the problem is I'm still happiest with her right now, and the distance between the next time I see her and when we can begin a normal life together is still measured in years.

The little things, the things she considers normal parts of life, really build up for me. There are nights when the dogs sleeping between us when I have to leave early in the morning makes me want to cry because I know I might not get to touch her for weeks. These are things I can't tell her. These are things that just don't matter to her like they do me, because she is in a different mental state.

There is no reasonable way for her to carry more weight in our relationship - the alternative is me just seeing her less, but I already feel like I see her so little.
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I was never needy before a year or less ago when all of this started to really kill me, and I know I will change significantly emotionally when we're in a more stable situation and I can come home to her, figure out solutions to the small every day problems I have, etc. but it is difficult beyond description to be in a scenario where I am so much sadder than she is while being in the same situation. In my life nothing is mine or on my terms, it's all waiting, and the only way I can change that is to see her less, which isn't going to make me happy.

There's just no way to say that to her so I have to act like my feelings are more normal and proceed as if they are in the hopes that it will at least relieve my temporary problems.
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>>16524101
>>16524105
these two go together. meant to quote. my b
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>>16524105
If she can't stand to hear, or try to understand the kind of dire stress and pain this is putting on you, then you might as well have started dating a week ago. She had the chance to MAKE an effort to be with you via living with you, and she's decided to just live her life at home instead, without you. These kinds of people never grow out of the home-zone unless someone gives them no option, BUT that's usually because said home-person would rather be with their Partner than without. You came here looking for advice, but there's not a situation that's not going to involve risk having a conflict. You're being physically and emotionally neglected, and by not confessing this to her, it's dishonest and hurting the integrity of the relationship, which should be built on compassion and NOT bending over backwards until you bleed out of your spine (physically, emotionally, financially) because you don't want your GF to feel bad before she goes to Denver. You're putting absolutely no pressure on her to do anything, and with this absolute gift you've given her, she's done fucking nothing to show even a little appreciation. She's immature, she's not ready now, and when you finally snap in 6 months and beg her to move-in with you she'll consult her family and they'll all agree that you're being controlling, and she'll resent you. If she won't move in with you after 3 years, I'm not sure what life-altering event you think is waiting around the corner to light that fire under her ass.

PART 2 INCOMING
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>>16524157
You weren't like this before, but the situation has changed, and you're changing, and it's painful (sorry about that), and your "good friend" girlfriend is just either

a) so oblivious that I think you should leave her because you're going to die trying to derive happiness from her OR
b) so selfish that having to bear the experience of watching you tell her that she's making you miserable is just too much to work at, so avoiding the convo and guilting you out of blaming her is the modus operandi

There's a lot of guesswork in this about what is going on in her head, but that's why it's better to get context from what she does than on that one time in your memory that she made a choice that made you happy, and maybe she's not a bad girlfriend at all. You're pretty fucked up from this man, and you have reasons to be, so in my final form of advice I'm telling you to lay it out for her. Doesn't have to be melodramatic, just "I love you, but this isn't working anymore". She needs to at least drive to see you half the time, and if she says she will and then never can, or fate always seems stacked against you, just remember: It's not fate. It's her.

You're now on a 2 month probation period in your relationship. If she can't help you when times are at their roughest, she's not going to be present for "the best" times either.
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>>16524172
She has dogs, a job, etc. that keep her from coming here to see me.

Overall I think your perspective is a little too harsh on her. She has a tough life too. She has weird medication routines that fuck her up regularly and cause her to gain and lose 30 pounds at a time, she has an inconsistent room mate situation, she's in a really hard program for her degree(she's ivy league, I'm state college), etc. Nothing she does is extremely abnormal. She's just far better than I am at letting the future be the future.

Things are essentially how they have to be right now when the semester is going. Pouring everything out on the table just creates a bunch of unsolvable problems. Little things like what we do over our tiny breaks are things I can influence, but our overall situation is sort of just shitty and immovable.

I'm sorry it's impossible to give full context in the length of 4chan posts, but I think overall the summary of my response to you is that there is no reasonable way to express how I feel, because my feelings are inherently unreasonable, and while I can bring them up to her and she would be understanding to the reasonable extent, the reasonable extent is solutions that I mentally and emotionally can't handle, like just seeing each other less so I'm not always on the move.

My recently realized longing for the distant future has destroyed my current situation, and I can't put that burden on her. This isn't a "baby, I wish you would be more compassionate" type of issue. I'm afraid to put such a burden on her, I'm afraid to change her image of me based on this temporary problem, etc. there's just so little to gain and so much to lose. She has no reason to see that I am struggling, because things were fine for nearly 3 years before I started feeling this way, and hardly anything has changed. This is an internally created and perpetuated issue. Her decisions are only supplemental, and I don't want to ask her to live her life for me.
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>>16524194
>She's just far better than I am at letting the future be the future.

I would be too if I knew my well-meaning but, low self-esteem boyfriend was on 4chan typing up the usual roster of excuses as to why I can't be burdened to be near him or take care of his human needs. If I don't have to be responsible for caring for him thoroughly like in a real relationship now, I don't see what of his I can't neglect in the next 3 years. This is much more a criticism of your misguided, self-indulgent pain train than of her. I was trying to help you, but even my reasonable suggestion of making her accountable for some of the time you spend together was too much. I was just trying to get you to take a healthy control over your emotions before they inevitably control you, and she already knows your cracking. What you're doing here is not sustainable, and if you don't help yourself properly now, you're going to crack easy in a text message that you take the wrong way too far.

You should really re-consider taking my advice now.
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>>16523692
Ah, okay that sounds different then. You said some things that remind me of my relationship since I'm home three days, then three days with my boyfriend. When we skip weekends it's harder for him than it is for me. It's hard for him even the few days a week he doesn't see me. And our weekends are actually relaxed. I do love and care about him, but I don't get lonely as quickly (maybe in part from my other "relationships" being mostly e-LDRs, being together half the week seems constant to me). He acknowledges he's clingy and tends to worry about it. Took a bit to actually get him to open up about it.

As for this line you posted
>I don't want my currently strained emotional state to bring her down.
Well, that's just what happens. When someone you love is hurting, it hurts you too. What I told him is that yes, it does make me sad or worried to hear he's not doing okay. But him bottling it up until it all comes out as him REALLY being not okay, and hearing that's how he felt for weeks but didn't want to bother me with it? Then I'm sad and hurt and upset. And not all at him, it's a weird combination of being upset with him for not telling me so I could maybe do something and upset at myself for not knowing something was wrong or figuring it out sooner.

It wasn't an easy conversation, but not having it was just putting unneeded strain on things. Knowing there was something wrong, always hearing "no it's okay." Thinking I'm reading into things too much and dropping it. Kicking myself when I find out I was right.

I hope you can talk things out too. Not sure if any of that helps, maybe gives a different perspective at least. As for how to approach it... maybe start out "hey I do still want you to go on your trip and have fun, but I need to tell you why it's upsetting me and why I've been sad."
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