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If I don't kill myself they'll never know what I went

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It wouldn't be fair for them to be allowed to ignore it forever. I've tried telling people but no one really understands.

My parents especially just tell me to make sure it doesn't "interfere with my studies". They practically tell me what to say so they can believe everything is fine.

Everything isn't fine. If I just tell people how I feel they'll all just think I'm selfish and ungrateful. I wasn't molested, beaten, dad wasn't an alcoholic, parents didn't get divorced, and I grew up in an upper middle class family so I don't deserve to feel this way.

I don't believe I'll ever be "cured" so I feel like it's unfair for everyone to be allowed to think that what happened in my past doesn't affect me now. I still remember every moment of bullying and my parents fighting.

I was fucked up from the beginning. I was always weak and ugly so I was bullied and excluded. People always thought I was disgusting and aren't afraid to say it. I'll ALWAYS be inferior to the people who bullied me. They'll end up happier and more successful than me and already are.

Unless I kill myself this is all childish whining. Unless I kill myself I should just snap out of it, move on, change my attitude, focus on the positive, man up, and of course, remember that a lot of people have it worse.

I don't plan to kill myself today or tomorrow because there's a few things I want to do. But I feel like I should eventually.
Lift weights, find a hobby you love and strive to perfect it, leave your comfort zone, and fuck the world in the ass.
Listen to this guy OP.
Just kill yourself, op, and prove to them they were all right about you.
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This. Do it faggot.
Well it would be proving them wrong wouldn't it? They didn't expect me to kill myself
They probably do
Nope they don't care about me at all.
do you live for what others think? i'd rather live for my own enjoyment. i didn't read your post but suicide is rarely the right answer to such problems

martyrdom is a farce
Seriously. If you get on a good program and diet and everything and make some progress, the self confidence you will gain will be absolutely amazing. Totally new world. You'll be a different person. >>16491560
Seriously op. You want to prove them wrong don't you? I don't think you're 80 years old, you have plenty of time to turn shit around. You have 24 hours every day, be better than you were yesterday.
I'm from a similar situation.
My source of coping is misanthropy and spite for my peers and my family (not for angst reasons, they shit-talk on my dead mother's name frequently). The only thing I have left to live for is seeing how everything turns out, seeing how the job market is going to be an unstable mess for a long while.

Find something that will take a while that you want to do the occupy yourself, even if it's a small ambition like my own. It's a reason to keep living and to give your life proper time for evaluation to see if it is worth living. It's a bit cold-hearted sure but it's better than nothing.
Pretty much
Killing myself would be proving them wrong

Also while my routine and diet have degraded a bit recently I still exercise and am on a semi competitive team at my school
I suppose that's good advice but I don't know if I'll be able to follow through with it. I just want people to understand for once and I don't want to wait forever for it to happen.
killing yourself out of obligation to someone else is the most ass backwards thing possible. i know it's hard, but you have to learn how to do things for yourself, not for anyone else.
also fuck all these people telling you to work out and eat right lmfao. like please do those things but how fucking naive do you have to be to consider those things a cure for depression? "yeah man just get jacked and then you'll be happy"???
>I don't deserve to feel this way.

You deserve to feel however you want. I'm sorry you feel like you're not worth it but your problems are real, and they're not going away on their own. And you deserve sympathy and help.
Yeah I know it's fucking retarded but how do I "learn how to do things for yourself, not for anyone else"?
Yeah I wish it were that simple

it's about self love. and it's hard. it's really fucking hard. but it's about recognizing that you're worth something. i can tell you don't have it by the way you talk about yourself, saying you're weak and ugly and disgusting and inferior. inferior, why? THEY were the ones who couldn't make it without hurting YOU. "success" in this world is meaningless. all that matters is that you figure out how to be happy.

you only get one shot. i'm depressed as hell too, but... you don't get another try. this is all we have and there is joy to be found in it, i promise.
I can tell you that your parents wouldn't understand if they haven't gone through it themselves, especially if they are using that canned line in the OP.

It sounds more like you need to vent to somebody that is willing to listen and empathize with your story. Having been a shut-in though I can propose an alternative; reading the stories of others' similar miseries. The best way to forget about your own problems is hearing others' problems and you're already in the right place for it.

Sadly I'm in no position to recommend social actions. However it sounds like you compare yourself to the people that have done you wrong. Think on it like this; if they're so great why did they do wrong to the weak? So what if they call you ugly, so what if you think you are? You can prove to them you can still make it despite your crippling disadvantage. Fuck those people, meet some people with real standards. Those shitty people will take their deeds to the grave. If you kill yourself they'll either pretend to have pity for you or the especially shitty ones will go "called it".

And you don't want to prove those assholes right by offing yourself.
Yeah I know my thoughts aren't healthy but I don't know how to change them. Just the fact that I think this way makes me feel inferior and worthless. I bet they never had to feel this way
if i knew a magic solution i'd give it to you, of course... one thing i think helps is to surround yourself with people who will say good things about you. this doesn't always work, of course, sometimes you disagree with them. but finding a system of support makes a world of difference.

you could also consider anti-depressants. i've considered taking them myself, never have though.
I'm a bit wary of antidepressants. Are they safe? Also it's a bit fucked up that I would have to alter my brain in order to not kill myself
Depends. The people who need them are often the ones that can't get out of bed to do anything because they are that level of shit in the head. Their brains are mad fucked up and they need the antidepressants because their brains don't produce the right shit for them to function normally. Your brain might be too but I'm not a doctor I'm just a schmuck on an anonymous imageboard full of smug anime girl shitposters.

I'd recommend a therapist normally but they get paid bonuses to pass out pills so find a GOOD therapist. Talk to your parents about getting some help, especially if it is interfering with your studies. That might just motivate them to help you get help. Hell you might not even need their help if you have a job to help pay for it.
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