My mother passed away due to brain cancer 6 months ago, and coping

The pain doesn't exist anymore, anon.
No neurons are firing. She's at peace, and wouldn't want you to wake up screaming over nothing.

>>16469041
I suggest you go and see a therapist. You say you're coping well, but the fact that this one incident is haunting you suggests that you might not know yourself as well as you think you do

Pain such situations is inevitable anon, don't take it too hard on yourself. You are most likely channeling your pain into that situation and beating yourself over it and hating the anesthesiologist.
Accept what happened, everything, all the details, it will hurt like a motherfucker.
I'm sorry for your loss.

There was nothing you could do. The line had to go in and this doctor was going about his job efficiently, if not very compassionately. Speaking up would have gotten you thrown out of the room, probably.

I am so sorry for your pain, but don't add to it by beating yourself up over this. Your mom knew you were there for her, and that's what was important.

>>16469041
As other anon said, please seek therapy my friend. This was obviously a very traumatic experience for you and i'm sure your mother would want you to come to peace with yourself. Best of luck pal x

You being upset over this insignificant little moment is actually your way of coping through the larger issue that you were unable to prevent or help her in her terminal illness and that makes you feel weak, powerless, and like you failed her.

You know rationally that you never could have prevented her cancer so your brain picks this one random not really bad at all moment where it believes rationally maybe there way more you could do to get upset about.

But the truth is that one moment of stiff necked agony is not in anyway significant either in the suffering of her disease and certainly terribly insignificant in her total life experience. You are in now way responsible either for her cancer, death, or even momentary discomfort.

It may help a LOT for you to speak to a grief counselor over this, anon.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you for the replies, gave me a different perspective on this, especially >>16469092

This is the first time I'm openly talking about this. Even if anonymously, it's currently given me some sort of relief. As mentioned, I may not be coping as I think I am. I'll look into therapy. Thank you.

>>16469041

By acknowledging that the joy you brought into her life while she was living is what actually matters, not any trivial pain she may have experienced at the end.

There is no good way for a loved one to die, anon. There is no right way for it to happen, where everyone involved agrees "hey, that went really well!" Death sucks.

And please hear me on this: you did your job right, anon. You did it perfectly well. Full marks. Your job was to be her son. You did that.

You hurt because you want to tell her you're sorry for any hurt she felt, and you can't, because she's gone. Her being gone is what really hurts, anon. If you didn't have anything to apologize for, it would hurt just as much, because she'd be just as gone. What you want to hear is her tell you that it's alright, that she forgives you for the hurt you feel you caused her. You know her better than I, anon. Do you have any reason to think forgiving you isn't exactly what she'd do, if she were around to do so?

You don't need to feel any more guilt over this, anon. You want to hear her voice because you want to hear her voice.

You're a good son, anon. Of course you miss her and you're going to keep on missing her. But no more beating yourself up, anon. It's not fair to you.

Holy fuck, I think I would've stabbed him right then and there.

do you know his name? I would go back to him and yell at him. but you would probably end up in jail or something, it's better to go to a therapist....

I'm really sorry about your loss, op......

>>16469132
Thank you, anon. A moment ago I couldn't feel more alone on this and now I feel like this is the most support I've gotten since her death. This makes me realize I definitely need counseling.

>>16469142
The catheter thing didn't succeed, my dad walked in on a bloody mess and he let loose on them. It's weird I think he may have reacted out of emotional impulse and at the same time I think that I didn't react enough. But the replies in this thread do make sense of that.

>>16469130

No problem anon, good luck. It really sucks that you had to go through such a thing but with a little help you'll be able to get through it. Your mom would want that.