I believe in miracles, what is wrong, you sexy thang you

>>17267803
i fucked myself on drugs

i did so many drugs you would not believe it

i took shrooms every day for about a week

just surf on man, cruise on, keep moving, keep trying, live and improve yourself

remember, everything is a choice.

I hope your health improves

>>17267811

It's more than that. I basically straight up fried my brain on MDMA and lack of sleep and MDA a couple nights before the mdma.

This happened 5 months ago and aside from the psychosis lessening after 1 month nothing else has improved much. It's been hell. I think about suicide on a daily basis (not that I would kill myself now, but if I haven't improved within 2-3 years I probably would).

Music doesn't even sound good to me anymore. I used to be a music junkie that would travel hundreds of miles to go to my favorite band's shows. Now I can't be bothered to listen to anything.

I hear no emotion in music now. Just math and shorter and longer amounts of time between the next note played.

desu senpai my brain would be healthier if I did heroin or meth every day for a year or two. At l east in that instance abstinence would allow it to come back to normal.

In my situation I have most likely completely destroyed many of the axons which transmit and register serotonin.

It's not as simple as everything will get better. Everything is straight fucked right now and has been for months. Literally haven't felt happy at all in any way since before September.

Can't eat my sorrows away. Can't get drunk anymore (alcohol doesn't effect me as much or put me in a good mood), can't smoke weed, can't jerk off, can't enjoy music. Can't read as well.

I play video games its my only solace but I used to not even be that into videogames just played em here and there.

I know I can't convey over text how I feel but basically all drive, motivation, and feeling is gone.

Voting Trump is the only thing keeping me from killing myself right now

>>17267886

thanks me too. Best wishes to you as well.

if anyone reading knows a shaman or miracle healer let me know.

I would do anything to get back to normal aside from kill another person.

>>17267890
>voting trump is the only thing keeping me from killing myself

Fucking lost it

>>17267803
>>17267890
>>17267897
You are an absolute liar. Get the fuck off the board.

Sage goes in all fields.

>>17267803
I too have had a similar experience. It happened after a period of me having used drugs such as heroin, cocaine, crystal meth and others, combined with very heavy use of xanax, for about 2-3 months. I had ordered this stuff off the Silk Road which was supposed to be crystal meth but upon injecting it, I found out it was not. What followed was a psychosis, and then i ran out of xanax a few days later, which meant i could not sleep for about 2 weeks. I was having high fever dreams and "saw" demons for months after that.

I do feel better now, this was back in 2012, but its taken its toll on me. After analyzing the dreams and fears I had, I have come to the conclusion it was my subconcious telling me things. So I guess in a way it was like a horrible shamanic experience. Yes, I'm a druggie but im not a heroin addict or a crack head, i used drugs for recreation when i used them. I don't use heavy drugs anymore though, my brain can't take it.

>>17267803

>.5 mg mdma

lol nice one OP

>>17267890
Shills

>>17267890
Take large amounts of vitamin c. You have damaged your serrotonin receptors, they call it going e-tarded. It is a real thing. You need a lot of vitamin c and possible ssri.

File: 777.jpg (246KB, 300x419px) Image search: [Google]

246KB, 300x419px

>>17267803
Help is closer than you think, anon.
Let us meme you back to health.

>>17267890
>Voting Trump is the only thing keeping me from killing myself right now
Kek. You had us going, OP. Nice one.

>>17269130
Kermit. Kemet. Holy shit!

>>17267988

I wish I was lying. Tbh I would not have believed this was possible had it not happened to me. I think the brain damage was a combination of things. 100mg MDA 4 hours sleep that night. Next day 7 hrs sleep. That night 3 hits acid bad trip no sleep at all. Next night 500mg pure mdma plus hit of lsd and good amount alcohol dancing not enough water. No sleep at all that night. Next day only alcohol. No sleep at all. Day after that no drugs and no sleep at all. Day 5 finally got xanax and able to sleep. Everything's been fucked since. Initially I thought everything I was dealing with was psychosomatic brought on by the bad trip but as the weeks went by I remembered the larger than normal amount of mdma and concluded it was a most likely culprit after much research.

>>17267967

I know it's lulzy but it's kinda true. I've always been political and before this I was a pretty die hard Bernie supporter. I could get into the details but suffice to say aside from mdma the trip was very bad and I think I was involved in some kind of energy harvesting or consciousness manipulation to change one's sexuality to remove my genes from future population. Basically saw my upbringing and extreme liberalism as a reinforcement and endorsement of my weakness as an individual and the trip as a way to officially "turn me off" so I won't seek to reproduce. I've tripped acid well over 60 times and never had anything like this happen. But I've abused the drug and haven't actually used it to make positive life changes for the past few years. Always been into conspiracies but did a hard rightward pivot after all this.

>>17269015

I will try that. Serotonin is def very damaged I just wonder if it can be repaired at all. Conventional western medicine tells me no. I'll get some emergen c though and see if that works.

>>17269130
I'll dedicate the rest of my life to memeing and memetic studies if this works. Thank you anon. Thank you God and your sub God entity known as kek.

File: 1451589556729.png (104KB, 541x530px) Image search: [Google]

104KB, 541x530px

>>17269130

The idols are both frightening and silly...

Time to make some scary pepes y'all. Pepes of fear. Maybe that's what Nazi pepes are for.

I'm OP, I give you this meme. This meme I give to you.

>>17267803
I know everyone is different, everyone one is different etc etc, but if thats the worst of what youve done, you really have nothing to worry about...

>>17269248
This still applies to >>17269243

>>17269248

Honestly it's so bad I frequently wish I had all previous mental and physical faculties but with amputated limbs. That would be preferable to my current state.

My symptoms:

Insomnia only 3-5 hours of sleep per night no matter how tired I am (finally improving with help of seroquel, ambien didn't work)

Very reduced appetite. My stomach will still growl but I will rarely feel hungry internally, hard to describe.

No sex drive at all. Cannot get myself hard. No masturbating at all. I can have sex with a woman but will last less than 30 seconds and orgasm doesn't even feel good really compared to normal.

Extreme teeth grinding. Never really grinded my teeth much before this, or if I did never noticed or had bad effects. Since this started in September I had to get 6 fillings. Never had a filling or cavity in my mouth for the 24 yrs I've been alive prior to this.

Digestion is weird. Pooping is not normal. Coffee won't make me poop. Don't feel constipated but feel like bowels not working as well. Pooping not as satisfying. Rather than pooping once or often twice a day. Now it's once every couple days. Feels like I have less control. Rather than pushing poo out or relaxing sphincter, it feels like I'm just opening a hole and dumping it out. Bad description but just less enjoyable and less control over bowels to poop with.

Pee is also weird. Stream almost always very week unless I drink tons of water. Even then, I rarely have the urge to pee. Even if my bladder is full it just doesn't feel like I need to piss. Again, hard to describe but that visceral feeling of "I need to pee" just doesn't happen. Rather, based on how much I drank and how much pressure I feel I can guesstimate how much I need to pee. I probably pee 3-4 times per day now, when before it was easily double or triple that even tho I'm consuming roughly same amount of liquid.

Certain things smell different to me. Tuna for example smells like eggs now kind of.

Taste is off.

>>17269371
Continued

Things don't taste the same.

Cognitively fucked. Can't think in abstract or analytical way. Constantly misspell words. Feels like I try to type faster than my brain can process. Can't remember basic shit. Basically feel like a retard.

Movement is off. Can no longer rapidly ascend or descend stairs. If I try to go down stairs too fast or go up and skip steps etc I end up falling whereas this was normal before. When driving I no longer drive fast and am hyper aware. I instinctively drive slower now and it takes effort to constantly check mirrors and be aware of surroundings.

No motivation, no desire, no drive at all.

Hair is falling out all over. This one is probably genetic and stress related but it still sucks.

Will feel one side of body more than other. Feet are only part that feels normal. Weird example but when I get tired my right eye will be heavier than left.

No longer enjoy music. Used to be into rock n roll and bluegrass. No the intricate guitar and string solos do nothing for me. One of my greatest loves produces no joy.

Complete anhedonia, nothing really makes me happy. At all. Only things that bring moderate joy are videogames and humor related things. Hard to pay attention to anything else. Reading books is tough because memory is so bad.

Hard to keep conversation going unless about politics or ranting about my condition.

>>17269371
>>17269381

One of the other negative symptoms, perhaps the worst, is my inability to enjoy drugs or alcohol. I know that sounds awful but truthfully I enjoyed the simple pleasures.

After a day of work I loved nothing more than to have a few beers and smoke a bowl.

Now if I smoke weed I end up feeling paranoid and psychotic. It's like I can see what should be the story of my life passing me by. Missed opportunities etc. Not relaxing at all.

And then with beers it's bad. Always thought booze would be there for me. Now it's like I get all the negative beer effects and none of the positives. I'll drink and feel wobbly and have lowered inhibitions , it does facilitate speech, but I quickly get a headache and at no point do I really feel drunk or happy. It's just blah and less good than normal. Can't even get drunk to forget my problems.

>>17269130
Yes, Kek will heal those who deserve healing. Excellent proposal anon.

op do you have any visual snow

File: utena_juri021.jpg (27KB, 390x310px) Image search: [Google]

27KB, 390x310px

>>17267803
>I believe in miracles
THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS MIRACLES !

Holy shit.

Most of your symptoms are what I experienced after having an intracerebral hemorrhage while recovering. My advise to you is to watch what you eat very carefully because it is what you're using to power your body. If you need specifics I'll go into them. My body reacts much more noticeably to sodium and sugars now.

Your body is recovering even though it might take years as in my case. Be careful and stop fucking with your intake chemicals.

Christianity could be a good start.

>>17270067

Damn Anon!

In the past 5 months this is the first time I've come across that as a potential explanation for what happened to me. It might be too late for treatment but I'll try to get some tests and see if this happened. Looking it up online it seems if that did happen to me it was less mild than a traditional ICH which can result in paralysis or death.

I will definitely look into that possibility.

I've been trying to eat healthy but basically just eat whatever my mom cooks.

>>17269941

No visual snow.

I've seen that be a common negative side effect from too much mdma but I never had that happen to me.

you need to tune and balance your biofield and take nootropics. binaurals for focus, noopept/semax for neurons, get taos winds 15 minute tuneup videos for each chakra, meditate 20 minutes in the morning/evening (ascensionhelp.com), remove all contracts using the revocations from the galactic historian, acupressure and isochronics for whatever bodily system is malfunctioning and get daily exercise. it might help to do a 7 day fast with only filtered water. good luck.

>>17267803
You quoted the song wrong.

And give it a couple years to forget about the trip, nothing happened you've just convinced yourself something did.
The projection of your fears during the trip stuck with you.
You'll get over it I've known plenty of people who had bad trips and thought they were ducked for life be normal in a few months to a year where they laugh about how stupid they felt for being so scared

>>17269514
Have you tried heroin? It's the only thing keeping me from blowing my head off
Opiates and benzos are the only thing I can take after having a bad trip, weed and booze do the same thing to me and most others who've had a bad trip, Google it all these feelings and thoughts you're having are real and you're not alone, just don't start a cult or anything

>>17269381
Didnt people tell you not to take the shit if you were depressed or had mental problems?
You've fucked yourself, get on some anti depressants, the lock jaw is a dead give away you need an ssri

Hi OP, best wishes as you pursue the medical testing. I hope it gives you insight.

I would like to suggest you engage the Dharma and begin meditating on impermanence. You have experienced pleasures and suffering - thus when you begin to meditate on your life, you'll see how either can help or hinder your path to true happiness.

>>17267803
meditate.
your mind is a piece of nothing existing in a framework of nothingness, it can see everything in every direction in your surroundings and imagination, as both are filled with nothingness and intersect with your mind.
this is not important.
the subconcious is the connection to the spirit, it can percieve your own psyche through time, allowing the spirit to rearrange and manipulate your path through the surrounding areas, depending on your reaction to your potential surroundings.
anyway, just meditate, clear of thought, as best you can.
[stressors and agitations kick in easily, dont get upset with yourself over it, just recognize that you desire to regain your focus.]
[think back to times of achievement, if you can remember.]
remember to yourself that your mind is a piece of infinite grace, that will eternally hold with it that which it remembers.
if you're religious, ask god and the spirit to help you look through the void to your old memories in order to help you regain your faculties.
i wish you well, and the best of luck.
i took acid and god showed up.
i thought it was a bad trip, at first, but then i started thinking everything it was trying to scare me with made sense.
we are all one big tripping alien.

>>17272967

No, and I don't really intend to. At this point I'd probably try it it offered but I don't know where to get it and don't trust the street purity. After this experience and what happened with mdma, which I think is the majority of my bad feelings, I don't think I can do any other hard drugs. My heart acts all weird. I'd be afraid of dying.

I would smoke opium if available. I only had it once and it was sublime and the only opiate I could handle because I could modulate the dose based on smoke.

I currently have a bottle of 5mg oxycodone but even just taking one pill makes me very very nauseous. The high is nice but short lasting.

>>17272985

In terms of mdma, no. In terms of lsd, yes.

However I've taken acid before when I was depressed and it helped a lot. Truth be told I was probably "depressed" most of my life until the first time I tripped when I was 16. It was at that time I stopped hating my parents and became incredibly grateful. I realized my anxieties were absolutely pointless and as a result my confidence went up and I had no problems making friends. They completely revolutionized my life for the better.

Subsequently I had had some difficult trips, not like what I went thru this time, but emotionally difficult, however they always helped me to recognize deal and address my problems and then grow from that experience.

Perhaps naive but because it had seemingly worked so well in the past I was under the impression acid could fix any emotional or spiritual problems. I still haven't abandoned that idea but I'm not in any hury to trip because I realize it's playing with spiritual fire. I got burned, badly.

Not sure if you are familiar with the concept of "reversed kundalini" but I have a suspicion that is what happened to me, especially with the seeming reversal and inversion of sexuality that happened.

It was at a certain jam band show. And at the time and after it was so severe I was convinced I was part mind controlled as a result of an ongoing masonic/gov't conspiracy. I was weak and put into a microcosm environment I failed to make it with a woman that night thus my sexuality inverted. It was very dark.

Things were very weird before I took mdma the following night which I only did because I was so out of it I just wanted to bring my mood up again.

>>17273116

Basically I've always met God on trips. That's why I trip it's the only time I feel anything supernatural or divine or that there's something more than the base physical world.

I hope this isn't true but what it felt like was this:

God said I fucked up my free will, and as punishment I am condemned to basically feel like a gay bottom even though I've never felt that way before at all. That I am so weak I'm not worthy to be an active partner in anything but instead have to be led around like a slave or small child.

>>17273116

I also wonder about meditation with brain damage. I mean, it really feels like brain damage. I can go into much more detail of the initial trip and aftermath if you would like.

I just now feel like our body is a temple. And with a pure temple, you can achieve great heights. However I potentially not only soiled my temple but broke and ruptured it. I specifically think this because of my inability to feel pleasure or have normal reactions to psychoactive drugs.

It basically felt like I saw the light. Ignored it and said I'd focus on myself later. Then I got royally fucked.

I remember after I started tripping and read Be Here Now when I was 17 and 18 I felt like I'd done the whole trip.

I just wanted to get my life together before seriously embarking on spiritual quests. Truthfully for me it all comes down to sexual problems. I'm a loser and as a loser sex is hard to come by.

I managed to get laid in Chicago over 4th of July while tripping and that was great. I felt like I finally understood the male female dynamic enough to be better in the future. I finally got it. Then a couple weeks later I thought I damaged my brain with nitrous oxide. Then a month later thought I was better. Then this trip through everything out of whack.

I promised myself and God and everyone I'd never do nitrous again. But in the lot before the show someone handed me a balloon and I did a little bit. Figured I was above it and what the hell. But I can't help but feel that sealed my fate and then during the trip God punished me for that.

It's even more visceral because the final night the lead singer of the band went on a rant about nitrous.