>Be me working at burger joint >Be excited to work the late shift manager says 'I can't spend all night here I've got a life' and leaves >I say to other guy 'This will be just like a slumber party except we'll be sweaty and covered in grease' >He just rolls his eyes and finds something for me to do which was taking out the trash so he tells me to do it >Excited to take it out till I look outside and say 'You mean the one out there? Outside in the dark?' >He asks if I'm scared so I man up and scream on my way out to throw it out then back >Be me annoying my coworker so he tells me about this story that was all over the news >It was about this guy who worked at a burger joint and he was cutting the patties when he cut off his own hand and replaced it with a rusty spatula and then got hit by a bus and at his funeral he was fired >I start eating while he tells me the signs of when he returns >Be me moping for a bit when the lights flicker on and off we get kinda freaked out when it wasn't either of us >Then the phone rang but nobody answered for 2 or 3 times >Be us sitting there at around 2 AM on a Tuesday when the bus stops in front of the burger place >Be me saying 'Hey I didn't know the buses ran this late' >Coworker replies with 'They don't' >Be us staring and scared when a guy across the street walks to the door and opens the door >Be us flipping the fuck out now and he comes up to us while we're pleading for our lives >I come clean to my coworker about how I used his clarinet to unclog my toilet he just looked at me mad >Be us looking while the guy comes out of the shadows and says 'Can I have a job application I brought my own spatula I called here earlier but I hung up 'cause I was nervous'
>Walking around the trail near my home in Missoula, it's pretty dark but not so dark you can't see, still have full visibility >Around 8pm, i'm resting on a fallen log playing snake on my phone while the fire heats up >Lose my shit after coming close to beating my 4000+ record, figure nobody can hear me so it's fine to go ape >Kill the fire and decide to go home, in a pretty bad mood and cursing pretty loudly >Then i hear like, grunts. Grunts mixed with howls, not like any animal around these parts - sort of apeish >Hear twigs snapping behind me, I turn around and see some huge ass hulking baboon looking thing with a handful of shit >Ever since it happened I still have nightmares about it, this thing literally starts flinging its shit at me and grunting >Decide to make a tactical retreat, and nope the fuck out of these post haste >I run back home, barely get any sleep at all that nigh >Never seen anything that looked like this thing before in my life, it was taller than i was >Only when the sun comes up do i dare go back, with a rifle for good measure >Shit everywhere, i left my backpack at the campsite in my hurry to get away, it was filled to the brink with shit >Around the campfire, i hear giggling >Unzip my pants >Read the first letter of every line
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