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Highlights of otherwise shit sessions thread
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>D&D 5e, new campaign
>Be Sorcerer
>DM starts us imprisoned in a bandit camp, breaking out
>No starting items
>so no components or focus to cast spells with
>Spend entire session being yelled at by the DM-encouraged murder hobos for not being eager to throw myself out there with my 7 HP and get killed, and for attempting to be helpful in ways other than throwing myself out there and getting killed
>Be laughed at for half of session for what my character did (I used a verb with multiple connotations and the DM enthusiastically narrated the rest over my protesting)
>Throughout dungeon, collect small samples of everything, bits of hay lining box, bits of wood from box, unlit torch, bits of a wool shirt, etc.
>Suddenly, an enemy appears, taking potshots with a crossbow from behind a door.
>Have Shield and Shocking Grasp
>Time to finally be useful
>Confidently walk up to door and grab knob
>DM: "You are kicked back from the door for (rolls) 5 damage."
>Me: "Oh, no, I have Shield, it activates automatically."
>DM: "No, that doesn't happen because you're surprised."
>Me: "No, I walked up to the door confidently precisely because I had Shield."
>DM: "If you were expecting to use Shield you would have said so before you did it, but you didn't. You're surprised."
>Murderhobo A: "DM's discretion!"
>Spend entire battle behind cover with 2 HP
>At one point, sort of berserker type of PC is standing right in front of boss
>It's my turn, berserker guy goes next
>Cast Minor Illusion, "GOTCHA MOTHERFUCKER" from behind the boss to distract him
>DM: "You need spell components for that."
>The spell component for Minor Illusion is 'a bit of fleece'
>I collected wool from wool shirt earlier
>DM: "... Alright."
>got an impressed murmur from the rest of the party

Berserker missed anyways. But it was nice while it lasted.
Well you should have taken eschew materials. That's a feat in 5e right?
Nope. Also if you're level 1 you don't get a feat unless you're playing a variant human or the DM allows em.
>Be playing in gestalt game in hybrid 3.5/Pathfinder/3rd party resource monstrosity of epic proportions. Be Artificer 5, Wizard 4, and Psion1. Gestalt level five, but the best traits from level 5 in artificer, level 4 in wizard, and level 1 in psion. This means I have hella-many spells, infusions, and minor psychic powers.
>There's no challenge to anything but it's funny what you can become capable of at suitably high levels. I attacked Asmodeus's avatar at level eight because I had gotten my grubby mitts on all sorts of ridiculous bullshit.
>One such turd entailed a scroll with Stasis as cast by a level 30 sorcerer who was spec'd for affecting gods. I could cast it becuz human Artificer level 8 stacked with all sorts of ridiculous feats allowed because we were playing in a game where we had access to 3rd party resources and we could even get pretty much anything we custom made ourselves approved by the DM.
>Pop enough spells, psi powers, and magical item abilities to augment my touch attack, AC, and saves to stupid levels. Roll touch attack, get natural seventeen. Add mods, Asmodeus rolls Wills save and Fort save and fails both. I now have frozen the King of Hell in the middle of a battleground.
>Finish off opposition and open a gate to Bahamut's plane, offer him custody of Asmodeus. He accepts in utter shock, we laugh our asses off and leave after jacking everything of value from underground cult temple we were in.
Next time your DM tries to pull that shit on you, show him pg 275 entry: Shield

Casting Time: 1 reaction, which you take when you are hit by an attack or targeted by the magic missile spell

Next time, Tell him that the only way to cast shield is while being attacked or being the target of Magic Missile. Otherwise the spell is useless, which would be dumb, forcing him to refute his previous logic
It honestly sounds like the DM hates you.
>Next time your DM tries to pull that shit on you

There's "creating a resource light high tension situation" and then there is "fucking over the soft spoken wizard"
He's right. This kind of behavior is what turned many of us into powergaming assholes who can't get an erection unless we're looking at a splatbook
The Coolest thing I've done was in a Vampire Hunting Campaign
>Be basically an Onion Knight, Great Cook and Alchemist but Shit at everything else
>Still made the Tank though, I cold still use magic too
>All the other players are Archers or Rogues, two of them were vampires themselves, A Blood Mage, and a Lawful stupid oblivious Cleric
>In the middle of the Woods, this one is famous for its Vampire attacks so we were there to kill some
>End up Cooking dinner for the group at the Camp with some Veggies I keep on me and some Boars we hunted
>Chopped up some Onions and made a Pork some Pork Sandwiches
>Turn around and entire party left to go brood in the woods by themselves except for the Cleric whose Asleep
>I start eating my Sandwich cause I don't wanna listen to the Cleric's grace
>Lady Vampire ends up attacking us, Sees the Fire.
>Could have sworn the Blood Mage set up some Barrier for that I guess he didn't think of fire
>Take another bite of my Sandwich and pick up the Sword I used to Chop the food
>Fight the Vampire alone cause the Cleric is also a heavy sleeper along with him being Obnoxious but my sword did some added damage cause Onions are like Garlic
>I guess I gotta respect how well he roleplayed this
>I'm just about done with her, she's near death, so am I but I can still stand
>Learn down to hear her last words
>DM is a perv, her last wish was a kiss
>I try and get away from that shit but end up kissing her
>My Onion breathe kills her
>I walk over to the sleeping cleric , kick him in the gut and let myself collapse
>He wakes up and heals me, but he's pretty pissed about the Kick but he's glad I woke him up
I end up eating all the Sandwiches cause 1/3 the party were Vampires. Pretty Shit Campaign but that scene stands out in my mind.
Maybe she asked for a kiss to bite you. Seduction is the easiest way to kill a man.
Shit, I think I do remember the DM rolling something after I said I'd do it and not explaining it. Wow my Character could have had to be a Vampire for the rest of the Campaign. Makes you think huh?
He would have never been able to eat those sandwiches.
Truly a fate worse than death.
i dont play 5e but eschew materials is the one core feat i ever banned in 3e

What's so bad about Eschew Materials? Never played 3e, just curious.
Why? It only stops you from needing to use spell components that cost literally nothing.

And a spell component bag does basically the same thing, so they're not something you ened to worry about anyways.

Nothing. People who don't know 3e well think keeping track of spell components is what keeps a Wizard from being too strong.
Maybe he liberally uses the old "goblin stole the spell component pouch" trick?
Op that elf is a qt 10/10
Just ban D&D 3.5 and all it's variants at your table. You'll thank me later.
You banned players from wasting one of their few feat choices on something completely useless? Okay.
its not that theres anything mechanically wrong with it i just dont like it thematically

you know some material eschewing metamagic could be interesting though
>sneaking up on a camp of bandits
>hide in a bush while everyone else confronts head on
>one of the groups of bandits goes towards the party, the other group is a pack of kobolds readying slings towards the back
>use my Ultimate Technique: Lightspeed Javelin of Power
>impale the leader of the kobolds and the one behind him
I am the strongest. To bad 5e is shit though.
>Friend is a weeabo
>he wants to DM
>5e just came out
>CTRL+C, CTRL+V some anime character as an NPC
>makes the entire campaign about the NPC, the players are just along for the ride
>Only interesting things happen to the NPC
>only the NPC gets the good loot
>the BBEG only dies by the vengeful hand of the NPC
>all players are killed in the resulting explosion
>except the NPC
>players children are allowed to become courtiers in the NPC's new throneroom

Actually, there weren't any highlights now that I think about it
I've been waiting for a real that guy thread all day, I need to vent a bad one
then make one
>Playing 5e. Dragonborn Eldritch Knight, with Necromancy instead of the shieldy one.
>Exploring Drow conquered Dwarven stronghold.
>Hallway splits. I'm well ahead of party, we're on roll20 so dynamic lighting, they don't know which one I take.
>I don't know which one I take, place is a friggin maze.
>Listen in on their turns. They took other hallway clearly, stumble into room of Drow relaxing.
>Rogue immediately slides into a chair and joins their card game, pushing her tits out.
>Meanwhile I open a door to the eating hall full of Drow.
>Party twiddles thumbs while Rogue slowly seduces small group of Drow.
>I retreat to corner of hallway, not sure how many Drow I jsut facechecked.
>Rogue attempts to subtly stab Drow under table. Grabs his dick instead. Stabs dick.
>Drow are playing musical chairs with positioning to let fly with their spells and rotate in fresh melee guards to maul me.
>mfw Necromancy's False Life keeps me alive and killin the whole time.
>Party finally stumbles onto me, sees me covered in blood, fighting Drow inside a poison cloud and insect swarm, still more than half alive while several Drow are barely holding together, even with Drow clerics healing them.
>mfw I held off literally 20+ Drow by myself with a big sword, a good corner, and lots of bravado until they broke and ran for a more open space
>be lawful good in a party that's full of chaotic evil and chaotic neutral characters
>become party Tank even though I'm a ranged character because the Devil that has more health put everything into charisma
>save the party constantly and get shit on afterwards
>have Alchemist make me 6 Willie Pete bullets
>quest takes us to an abandoned prison to kill the BBEG.
>dark as fuck
>have to go into tight tunnels that force us into line
>put at front despite having no night or even low light vision
>BBEG starts toying with us.
>steals my rifle and eats the torches
>finally make it to his layer
>bodies hanging like cattle in a meat locker
>BBEG attacks and halves the Devil's health in one hit
>try shooting, but I can't see in the dark I miss.
>finally land a solid hit between his shoulder blades
>WP burns bright, so I've got a target. Hit him again
>other party member shoots it with his .38
>It flees
>we give chase, but the battle weakened part of the chamber and the floor give out underneath two of our party members
>they're hurt bad
>I brought rope so we start lowering the rest of our group down
>last man in the chamber.
>as I'm about to make my way down the rope I'm grabbed
>practically gutted
>try to shoot
>miss and he grabs my hand
>leans back to deliver killing blow
>free my hand and fire off a shot between his eyes.
>fire again at his chest
>pass out as he falls down the hole
>wake up to find my rifle has been defaced by the Devil while I was unconscious.

this is the worst DM ever

stop playing with that faggot
I normally don't advocate players taking violent action against their GMs, because that's happened to me before due to a disagreement and it fucking sucks, but you're right, that fucking DM deserves every ounce of fist you can apply to his teeth.

Its not THAT bad. In some ways it's not really bad at all. Speaking as a 3.5 Fag. I'd be tempted to switch but not over me or two good ideas.
What this anon said

One bad campaign was all it took, the final straw that made me see red and realize that the DM was my enemy. Now I'm an empty shell of a man who gets more enjoyment from arguing about rules then actually using the rules im arguing about.
I played Fantasy Craft for a long time, and only switched to 5e because it was the only thing I could find due to its popularity. So I'm still a bit disgruntled by the fact that every turn is just doing one attack (because any and all maneuvers are complete shit), I have no meaningful character options, the classes are all overly specific in a way that stifles roleplaying, all the weapons are the same (see: glaive and halberd), the armor system is shit, and many more.


the DMG (and Chapter 9 specifically in that book) are what this is for. Look at it yourself, it's not like it's "illegal." Or fuck if you're lazy check out the UA.
It's adventurers league, so anything not in the book is out.
I really should just stop going, maybe sift through roll20 or give up on tabletop for good.

Or you could do what I did, get sick of it and just DM yourself. I make my players answer a questionairre to join so I know they aren't going to be noshows or That Guys.

on roll20*
I'm sick of DMing. Mostly because every player I've ever had was shit. A questionnaire might help.
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I had this as my template, something short and sweet, feel free to add or delete any, but so far I snagged 2 good players who are really cool maybe even friends so yeah have some hope anon
The session before last I was visiting family and without my books or notes, but we game online so I said 'screw it, let's run one anyways.' It started as a trainwreck and snowballed from there. At one point I utterly abandoned any hope of running the game proper and said, "alright guys, let's set this game aside for the moment, you're all playing sheep now."

By the end of the session, one had gone renegade with a pair of shears, another had harnessed the power of static cling to create a giant ball of sheep and mowed over the local town like a game of Katamari Damacy, and the third.. well, the third sent me this. I present to you the spell Sheepforce, typos intact, as it appeared when I recieved it:

(Awesome Solo)

Sphere: Sound
Range: 500 miles + 500 more, just to go 1,000 miles Component: S, M
Duration: 42 hours/level Casting Time: Loading time for rockband 4
Area of Effect: 42 sq. ft/level Saving Throw: None, cause it is an awesome solo

This spell enables the caster shread an awesome sheep solo, that no one thought a single sheep could play, which impresses all who are affected. If they fail their saving throw...which they have too, they become your groupies until the spell finishes. When the spell ends they must make a final save or be petrified, due to feeling worthless, as they could not ever accomplish something more awesome than what they heard.
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This is why Narrativist intent should always come first, and gamist/simulationist should always pick up after.
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>>Rogue attempts to subtly stab Drow under table. Grabs his dick instead. Stabs dick.

Do you ever get any answers other than "depends on the character" for question 4?
>Nothing. People who don't know 3e well think keeping track of spell components is what keeps a Wizard from being too strong.
i have always wanted to run such a campaign to be honest
>Maybe he liberally uses the old "goblin stole the spell component pouch" trick?
if i was going to do that wouldent i allow people to take it so that they have a choice to not get screwed over by that at the cost of not taking some other feat
>"Oh no, a goblin stole my spell component pouch."
>"I'll have to grab one of my 12 spares since they're dirt cheap, oh the horror."
Same here. It was a couple of L5R campaigns that did it for me. Over a decade later and I still hate that fucking setting.
for the ocasional thing sure but not all the time
>if i was going to do that wouldent i allow people to take it so that they have a choice to not get screwed over by that at the cost of not taking some other feat
i am embarrassed that i only just realized that a gm that does that is probably that gm that would use it as a way to take away the casters fun ignore my retardation
Not exactly shit sessions, but the most memorable parts of a few sessions:

>playing 2e
>standard dungeon crawl
>party somehow traps a xorn in a portable hole
>later come across group of other monsters
>get the bright idea to use xorn to our advantage
>successfully roll dex check with heavy penalties to throw portable hole at ceiling
>it sticks
>angry confused xorn falls onto other monsters
>hilarity ensues

>playing 2e again
>party is fighting gargoyles
>gargoyle rolls a 1 against dwarven fighter guy
>roll on critical fumble table that I got from god knows where
>result is weapon caught in opponent's shield
>weapon is claw
>opponent has no shield
>gargoyle spends next round with its claw hooked in the dwarf's beard, trying to get free as the dwarf bashes the shit out of it
I've always wanted to run a campaign where an fierce fashionista fairy asks for hired help to collect rare artifacts. After she put on a big fashion show. It all started when she stole Belial's pants during a meeting with the Lords of the Nine in the last big campaign we had.
awww, show me where the Sorcerer touched you
your DM sounds fun
you know i might not be that big a fan of sorcererers but i can still have fun gming for them and make it fun for my players to play with them

but what does my dislike of sorcerers have to do with with that and how did you know.
He's probably implying that a sorcerer with eschew materials is just immune to a common "you lose all your gear" rail track and that's what made the feat so hated.
ah i see

nah my hatred is really not a sensible hatred i just dont like it thematicly.
One time my group played Pathfinder. It was so terrible the next session we went back to Savage Worlds
>be new player
>we're all new players
>DM is a munchkin
>first loot at level 1
>suit of armour
>I'm a Cleric
>put it on
>"lol it's cursed"
>later clear out some cave for the townsfolk
>miniboss appears
>some guy made of sand
>refuse to fight him, talk to him, enlist his help
>get a brilliant idea
>convince him to get into my armour and burst it from the inside out
>some HP damage and a lot of saves later I'm out of my cursed suit of armour
>go on to trounce the real boss of the dungeon
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