Worst familiars.

>>44730300
Protip: Don't insult one of the senior faculty of the Unseen University. You'll get your arms ripped off or turned into a goat.

>>44730300
The Librarian really needs to cut back on the bananas.

>>44730388
Also, you might find that your reservation on the book you're so desperately after and only exist in single copy got lost from the records and you need to submit a new one.

>>44730388
Like I give a shit about some monke-

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I mean, unless you actual want a colossal feathered asshole following you around being a dick to you and everyone you meet.

>>44730428

Considering I woke up this morning with the Mother of all Charley horses, I think we should all follow his example.

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>>44730300
We're not even that close!

>>44730300
Anon please, that orangutan is strong enough to destroy you (or most other humans) effortlessly if it so chose. If anything you'd be HIS familiar.

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>>44730300
WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, HUH!?

>>44731008

Me, because TURTLE SUPREME.

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>>44731028
Do you even cow, nigga?

>>44730300
I don't think you're allowed to have a black guy as a familiar

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>>44730300
I knew a guy who had a pet turtle. It ran away from him, and I don't think they ever found it again.

>>44731071
>it ran away from him
why is this so fucking funny

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>>44731053

Say that to his face and see what happens, queer.

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>>44731099
i had a pet turtle, one day it went outside to the roofless hall i share with some neighbours, and presumably got abducted.

>mfw i'm pretty sure who did it but will never be able to prove it

>>44730388
>>44730444

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuu_ob29yIc

>>44730300
Orangutans are the 4chan of the great apes.

>>44730444
Requiescat in pace annon

>>44730640
Well now I know what to use if I'm a Chaotic Evil Wizard/Sorcerer

>>44730388
>Get your arms ripped off or turned into a goat
>Arms turned into a goat
>BOTH arms. Into A goat.

This sounds hilarious.

>>44730640

One of my players in my game has a giant goose eidolon.

It has skill points in heal.

Everyone, even the summoner, hates it on principle.

>>44733370

You know, I don't think Jack would make a good familiar.

To be fair, out of sheer kindness, he might humor a sufficiently dotty wizard, or ditsy sorceress for a time.

>>44733809
I thought Rincewind knew Librarian by name so he wouldn't be a stranger. Although admittedly Last Continent wasn't written yet at that point, was it?

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>>44738727
and now I want that episode in the new season. a senile wizard has access to time magic, but in order for jack to get him to use that magic he needs to humor him in his journey to get the spell components for it. at the end of the episode the unique component needed for the spell is destroyed/lost and jack must continue his quest.

>velociraptor familiar is either going to be the worst or best familier.

>>44733809
Oh fuck. I still have that game somewhere......I need to replay that again.

>>44730924

But can it wield a gun effectively?

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>>44740884
Pretty sure they can

>>44740884
Despite not really having a true thumb, the orang-utan could hold the gun principally between his fingers, which have a sort of double-lock, hooking the thumb around the other side of the gun as if it were a branch, and so could easily pull the trigger with it's index.

Were I training an Orang-utan to shoot though I would attempt to instil in it the importance of holding a pistol in both hands as is proper.

A human-sized trigger guard may prove problematic for a large ape though?

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>>44740884
>But can it wield a gun effectively?

Children can do that, and apparently they're comparable to children in intelligence. As a nogunz, I feel optimistic that somebody with nothing better to do with his time could teach a monkey to operate a firearm.

Though I hear their hands are less precise than humans', so that could affect their accuracy. And some article said a chimpanzee would have a hard time understanding that pulling the trigger causes harm.

But we already have drones with guns on them that shoot accurately, the beginnings of robots that can act like soldiers, and children who are far more easily trained, so gun-trained monkeys would be kind of redundant.

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>>44740884

>>44730300
its actually hard not to see a fat black female while looking at this

>>44742094
I heard that was a fake made to hype the planet of the apes movie.

>>44742209
It's so fake anyway. How did you not already know it was fake?

>>44730640

*continuous hissing*

>>44742117
It actually looks like Gabourey Sidibe.

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>>44730716
That's not a Scute Mob...

>>44731071
I had a pet tortoise who ran away. Did we know each other? It was the same species as the one in that photo.

>>44741756
Who wrote this

>>44743005
Google Hellboy. You're welcome.

In a d&d session I had a friend Who played ranger and chose a squid familiar, let me tell ya the story

>I want a fucking Black squid as familiar
>dm ok but you'll have to bring a 130g "aquarium bag" wich weights 6kg(dm had to do the item and calculate costs and weight)
>guy doesn't care, gives the dm the character sheet for the squid
>ff 3 weeks later
tough fight, party in a pinch because of a fucking bugbear
>ranger says "i aim the arrow at the head, I want to break his helmet"
>dm rolls dice "you manage to break the visor, but the rest of the helmet is intact"
>guy seems satisfied, little we knew of what the fuck he was thinking
>"I convert all the attack bonus for ac using combat maestry"
>wat.jpg
>he goes close to the fucking bugbear
>"fast extraction on the squid"
>"GO SIR INKS-A-LOT SPRAY THIS FELLA"
>master accepted that squid ink can be considered as the spell colored spray (idk the english translation, an aoe spell that blinds friends and foes in a small area in front of the caster with ink)
>bugbear is blind, can't hit him because too much ac
>rogue smashes the fuck out of the bugbear with backstabs
>bugbear still alive, recovers from blindness
>"I throw the squid in his face"
>"GO SIR INKS-A-LOT, LET'S FINISH THIS MOTHERFUCKER"
>squid enters a fight with the bugbear
>huge bonuses because of tentacles
>bugbear too stupid to understand the danger, keeps tryng to kill ranger
>squid uses his beak to eat bugbear's eyes
>minor damage, but now blind forever
>bugbear gets rekt
>guy takes the squid from the corpse, puts it on his head as a top hat and makes a squid joke

can't fucking remember what he said but was something like "when I said I was going to kill you, I wasn't fucking squidding"

keks were had that time, but squid has been useless for the rest of the fucking story
we didn't get rid of sir INKS-A-LOT only because of that glorious fight

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>>44744539
>can't fucking remember what he said but was something like "when I said I was going to kill you, I wasn't fucking squidding"

>>44731071
They can be deceptively quick.

>>44730300
>implying this isnt the best fucking familiar.

>>44741756
>meanwhile at the ss13 genetic-lab.

>>44745383
> can reach highly placed books
> can read eldritch tomes that would made a mortal mind shatter
> can slap every ignorant fucker with inhuman force
> can be made happy with a couple of bananas
Yup, it is the greatest.

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>>44738727
It seems like the kind of situation that character achetype would get into.

>>44742617
Your familiar a scute. A SCUTE!!!

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>>44744539
That was pretty fucking good. I usually don't care that much for puns, but that was well done.

>>44739129
It's Horace Worblehat

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>>44730300

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>wizard combines two animals to make best familiar

>>44742209
Well, the "20th Century Fox Research Library" is kind of a clue.

>>44745521
Peacocks CAN fly though.