The dragon summons his vast horde in battle. Enchanted weapons

>>37392796
Oh no, I'll lose all my ramen noodles?

>>37392796
I'm honestly unsure for once if you mean hoard or horde. It's a hoard enchanted to be a horde.

>>37392863
That's the joke. It's both.

>>37392863
The Golden Horde

>>37392796
I throw a few handfuls of coins into my bag and go retire

>>37392796
Jokes on you, My character is a Jew! Money cannot harm me!

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>>37392796
http://www.d20pfsrd.com/bestiary/monster-listings/constructs/animated-object

Just treat the hoard as one item. That's how ?I did it.
Make sure it has say, DR 10 (it's mostly made out of metal coins, which aren't easy to damage seriously) and resistance to the dragon's breath weapon. (Varying degrees of necessity.)

I kind of regret not giving it magic bonuses to attack and damage as a result of the magic weapons in it, but ah, well.

>>37393881
swarm template.

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>>37392796
>while others unravel and force themselves to be donned by an unwilling victim

>>37394036
Unwilling at first, I guess.

>>37393985
Can't apply it to small or larger creatures, can you?

Rolled 2 (1d20)

I roll to seduce the treasure

>>37394103
You fail.

>>37392796
That's pretty fucking cool. Also a good idea.

Honestly, I'm surprised no one came up with this before. It's common in settings like D&D, where Dragons are intelligent, have magic and collect hoards, to put great effort into protecting them from murderhobos.

Why not enchant the hoard directly? Dragons are magic as fuck and have loads of free time. They love spending their free time basking on their loot.

Yeah, enchant the fuck out of every last coin! Next time some murderhobos fight their way past all the traps your Kobolds set, they'll get one hell of a surprise!

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I'm a rust monster

>>37394036
How exactly do the tentacles insult the wearer? Do they call her rude names or something?

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>37394156
What about the dragon?

Rolled 10, 6 = 16 (2d20)

>>37394036
>>37394103
>>37394156
I roll to seduce the armor

>>37394171

>insult [v. in-*suhlt*; n. *in*-suhlt]
>3. *Archaic*. to attack; assault.

>>37394187
The dragon flutters its eyes at you and seductively slithers its tongue from behind its swordlike teeth.
It seems to otherwise be unaffected.
The horde of sharp metal is uninhibited by this development.

>>37394163
>dragon enchants hoard of coins and treasure to grab and assimilate other precious objects into itself so it doesn't have to re-enchant everything when it gains new items
>dragon wanders off and dies at some point
>magical programming eventually ends up wandering off to grab more precious items
>fantasy world upper-class is destroyed by scintillating, shining, absurdly valuable, golden grey-goo.

>>37397004
Now there's a kaiju for my next pathfinder campaign

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>37394219
I roll to seduce the dragons teeth and claws.

>>37398159
Good news!
They refuse to touch you now

>>37398305
His breath weapon is another matter however.

>>37392796
I turn the dragon's hoard into a giant gold elemental.

>>37393881
>>37393985
>>37394087
You don't apply the Swarm template to the piles of coins.
You apply them to the creature there's a swarm of; that is, each animated gold coin.

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>37398359
Ha I'm OK with that. Roll to seduce breath weapons.

>>37394166

>Rusting gold

Nigger what are you doing.

>>37398412
That suggests that each individual one is animated though.

I envisioned it more as an animation of the hoard entirely. Into a single, amorphous, animated object.
Really, might have been better your way.

>>37398464
Contrary to popular belief gold can in fact rust. It rusts black. It's more a form of tarnishing though.

>>37398472
If each coin was animated, then you could order them to play possum when separated and sneak out of the adventurer's coin pouches when they sleep at night.

But if you want to animate each pile of gold, then Pathfinder has a thing for that:
http://www.d20pfsrd.com/bestiary/monster-listings/templates/creature-swarm-template

>>37392796
>Be psion
>Use hypercognition to find the largest, most ornate and expensive dildo in her hoard
>Pull psychic sandwich trick to mind swap with it
>Use psiconstructs, mindseeds, mindswitches and other telepathy and clairsentience to manipulate others for my (and my new patron's) gain from the depths of a dragoness's hoard and the depths of said dragoness

>>37398562
what is with you fucks

>>37398577
I'm not gonna lie, while I do fine the fantasy of that sort of thing arousing for various reasons and fetishes (It's one of those things where it helps to ignore most of the negative aspects that would go along with it), I get a chuckle over how there are fa/tg/uys that are willing to take it to it's logical stupidity

>>37398430
The dragons breath weapon now wants to be very intimate with you.
The bad news is that skin contact is a very bad idea.

Rolled 5 (1d20)

>>37398947
I roll to convince it into not touching me until I can have a wizard magic my didick to avoid damage.

>>37399025
You fail.

>>37399025
Why don't you try to seduce the dragon a second time? You seemed to do okay your first attempt

>>37399033
Truly, death in pursuit of such lofty goals was worth the heroic attempt.

King of Hoards do you have enough gold?

>>37399126
There he strode, hero of old, knight of blood and gold.
He walked into the fires of the dragons lair, he walked with sword in hand.
He gazed upon the beast, image of nightmares to all; 'cept the brave hero stood tall.
The dragons lair took life of its own, it roiled, it shook, it shouted from below.
He leapt from ledges, he struck the spray of gold, he dodged the plates of steel that came to claim their toll.
He stripped his plate, he threw his shield, his sword in hand; he kept his steel.
There came the torrent, made from coin, the soldiers made not from flesh and bone.
They did not see, they did not feel, they only seek to rend all before it, sword and steel.
He ducked below, he rose above.
Stepped next to the beast of flame.
He slipped his clothes, he threw his sword, there he stood armed not at all.
He screamed aloud; to the beast of old.
His cock in hand, he could not withold.
Fangs like sword, hide like shield; moved like love, but eyes of greed.
The fires roared, and he stood tall.
He yelled out STOP!
And he was never cold.
So ends the story of our dragon knight, he stood fast, he stood tall.
The fires they consumed his soul.
He was strong, he was fast, he was clever, but let it never be said he wasn't lookin' for that dragon ass.

I am horrible with songs and rhyme but at least I found this funny to write.

Rolled 9, 1, 16, 2, 14 + 15 = 57 (5d20 + 15)

>>37394036
>>37394197
The armor rolls to mindbreak you

>>37394036
>>37400295
Seems like an appropriate thing for an evil dragon to do to would-be slayers.

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>>37401547
I like this idea better
>The dragoness made each sex toy herself
>Using polymorph on hapless adventurers
>They are all still aware
>She remembers each and every one of their names
>Uses each one every single night
>If she's interrupted by a friendly adventurer she uses her collection to tests their stamina
>Those that pass out under her care (or try to attack her) get added to the hoard
>Those that can last throughout all of her toys get sent on their way with an offer to come back any time for some more fun
>And an small suggestion cast on them to come back soon and maybe try to go for two rounds next time

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Could you perhaps bribe a dragon to let you go alive?
Could you pay him for help accomplishing a quest?
Could you prostitute a dragon?

>>37405229
Absolutely.
Bronze dragons sometimes serve as mercenaries. (expensive ones, for acceptable causes.)

If you can demonstrate they have more to gain than to lose/risk by doing what you want (though lose/risk includes pride, ego, chances you'll cheat them, etc.) they're certainly bright enough to consider it.

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>>37405229
I wouldn't be surprised if there were dragon prostitutes
Obviously not hookers, no real dragon would submit to a pimp or do something so demeaning as "sell themselves"
But maybe the absolute most high class of brothels, and if you were a person of a certain caliber, and obviously had the material wealth to make it worth her time, then maybe she could let you spend a little time in her presence. Provided you showed the proper deference and the requisite awe and gratitude.
It would probably be quite flattering to have all the attractive young noblemen of the city be emptying their treasuries for the honor of a little of your attention

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>>37405549


>>37405587
But that's not being a prostitute, that's being an exceptionally impressive and eligible noblewoman.

>>37405607
>But that's not being a prostitute, that's being an exceptionally impressive and eligible noblewoman.
If she lived in a city, that's pretty much what a dragoness would be

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>>37405607
That depends on whether not not you think the indirect trade of X for sex is still prostitution, and how far you carry that. Time and money spent courting a partner being the means for which you have indirectly paid for sex. Which woefully makes all sex prostitution unless it has no forethought what so ever which is just silliness. If prostitution is the trade of MONEY or whatever is the in setting agreed on wealth stand in for the guarantee of sex. Then the proposed night with a dragon is only prostitution if at no point can the dragon refuse sex, or that in doing so would be obligated to return your goods.

>>37405903
You know, normally you court people for marriage, which brings a lot more with it than just sex.
Things like titles, wealth, inheritance, and lineage.

>>37406041
>Dragoness social climber
>Advances and gathers more and more impressive titles by outliving her husbands
>All of them died of old age after long enjoyable lives
>Over three quarters of the nobles in the kingdom are her descendants
>Your PC just found out he's royalty
>No where near getting the throne
>But technically high enough to be her next step up
>The king is trying to get him to bite the bullet so he doesn't have to marry his son to her
Does he accept /tg/?

>>37406041
Not the point but very true.

>>37406208
Hell yes
And then uses one of the various ways available to a wizard to become ageless and after a few hundred years of polite, peaceful systematic social maneuvering we rule a powerful nation of half dragons as king and queen

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>>37406208
YES! And at no point does he let her know he is well on his way to being immortal. She is going to be trapped in this marriage for fucking ever. But we will conquer the world so she still gets her prize, it all works out in the end. Dragon wife and litch husband happily married for eons. She would have to become a draco-litch or be out lived but its all good. I'm sure I can figure out how to make gentle repose work on a dragon.

Rolled 5, 3 = 8 (2d6)

I just wanted to show you the magical powers of friendship Ms Dragon, it was all a big misunderstanding

>>37406374
>She would have to become a draco-litch or be out lived but its all good. I'm sure I can figure out how to make gentle repose work on a dragon.
Isn't there a prestige class for dragons with a certain amount of wealth that ends with them getting godhood if they eat their hoard?
Wait, would the kingdom be considered her hoard in that case?
Would you be considered part of her hoard in that case?

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>>37406512
whoa.

>>37406512
Would a dragon consider her husband part of the horde? Would she horde husbands?

>>37405587

Escort maybe? Courtesan? Those are probably closer to what you're getting at.

>>37406559
>>37406571
Yep, Draconomicon page 90
Dragon ascendant prestige class under requirements
>Special:Consume Hoard: A wouldbe dragon ascendant must eat its hoard to begin the process of divine ascension. Its hoard must have a value of at least 100,000 gp, but the dragon cannot choose to eat just 100,000 gp and leave the rest alone—it must consume its entire hoard.
So now the question is, if a dragon rules a kingdom, what qualifies as her hoard?

>>37406571
Well if she's a social climber and collecting noble titles via marriage, the husband would be part of her hoard

>>37406634
Would you let your dragoness waifu reach goddesshood if it means eating her prized possession (namely you) as part of the ritual?
If it makes it any better, your dragongoddess waifu probably could cast resurrection on you afterwards, you trust her right?

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>>37406634
So if it has a hoard of exactly 100,000gp it still counts? Dragons not becoming gods as financially efficiently as possible is bothering me quite a bit. If I ate a hoard of 100,001gp I would be un-reasonably mad about that 1gp no matter how much more money I acquire later on.

>>37406745
Just get a Teleport out of her stomach.

It says she has to EAT you, not DIGEST you.

>>37406745
Yeah after all, I am responsible for the new town full of a certain creature that popped up

>>37406634
>100,000 gp
Good news, that's as much as a 13th level PC or 17th level NPC
The whole "eat it all" part probably would bother a lot of dragons as >>37406770 pointed out

>>37406770
Yeah, looks like 100,000 gp would be fine

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>>37406770
An autistic dragon going on rampages over stupid shit like missing coins, or kobold minion interrupting him is hilarious! Frighteningly Hilarious!

>>37406896
>dragonkin

>>37406786
While you have a point, I'm not sure that would work fluff wise, it's probably one of those magical rituals where you gotta sacrifice an X sized diamond to do anything, I doubt most DMs would let you bullshit your way out of not using up one of those diamons on a technicality like Eat =/= Digest

Worst case just grab a ring of elemental resistance or something and hope you can ride it out without fucking up the ritual, gods can cast resurrections for basically free right?

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>>37406872
>>37406770
A dragon trying to lure adventurers in and letting them take parts of its hoard until the hoard is exactly 1000,000. and then getting it back later.

Fucks up and eats their hoard worth 99,999.

>>37393290
Nazi dragon. The swarm is from Switzerland

>>37406981
>Contract specifies the dragon can retroactively buy said adventurers and all they own for what they took from her
>They gotta be worth at least 100,000 gp total right?

>>37406981
Could be worse
Could realize they ended up with a hoard of 99,999 gp and 99 cp

>>37406981
>>37407021
And now I got the next BBEG

>>37406981
>>37407066
What if part of their hoard was works of art or fragile materials, and they devalue it by eating it?
They might have started with 100,000gp worth, but by the time it's gone into a dragon it could have lost a significant portion of that

>>37407129
I have a feeling that it doesn't matter, like the whole thing is one big ritual and as long as it eats EVERYTHING it owns, the sacrifice works, so devaluing it during the ritual wouldn't stop it's ascension but if it forgot about that one copper a halfling stole 2 centuries ago? Well it's still it's property, time to go midget hunting and get it back, and if it claims anything else along the way as part of it's hoard? Well...,

>>37406770
Probably power proportional to size of hoard devoured. 100k is the floor.

>>37407129
Nah, it is more like a priest's vow of poverty.
It doesn't matter if they where rich or poor the act of giving up all possessions is what is important.
A dragon getting rid of their hoard, the only thing that really matters to a dragon besides kids, is what grants them godhood not the value.

>>37407253
According to the book the book it becomes Divine rank 0 no matter what once it hit's level 12

So, no power boost from a larger hoard

What if a dragon started breeding Aurumvoraxes and when there are enough just ate them all?

>>37407332
>Its hoard must have a value of at least 100,000 gp
Well if it considers the herd it's hoard it'd probably work

...That picture with the dragon cuddling all those sheep just took a much darker turn

>>37407313
Psh. Maybe from you. I'd totally grant one. there are probably distinctions available between low Rank 0 and high Rank 0 anyway.

Rolled 1, 1 = 2 (2d6)

Can I roll to become very trusted friend of Dragon and hope that i will be of spared?

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>>37407534
God damn, son
What did you do, call it a frog?

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Surprised this hasn't been posted, what with all the dragon sex toy talk.

>>37407662
It's almost like everyone's seen it already.

Rolled 4, 3 = 7 (2d6)

>>37407614
shit uhh maybe..
What if I try a more romantic approach to delay the fire?

>>37407428
Honestly I'd probably do the same, though I'm not sure the conversion rate I'd use going from gp to divine rank, I was just pointing out what the book said
I should also note that while it says the dragon becomes a quasi-deity, it doesn't explicitly say divine rank 0, though I think it was before Deities and Demigods and the term quasi deity means divine rank 0 (and by that time it has pretty much all the traits a DR 0 god would have) there so I'm assuming it grants all that Deities and Demigods would imply it does

>>37407534
From getting attacked by it's hoard or getting eaten as part of it's divine ascension because it seems you are technically part of it's hoard?
Either way you look screwed

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Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>37407614
>>37407534
Hodor!

Rolled 6, 4 = 10 (2d6)

>>37407708
I submit, I have been bested and will undoubtedly die

>>37407801
Your submission and acceptance causes the dragon to calm down, she will simply eat you along with the rest of her hoard instead of burning you alive THEN eating you

>>37407847
So, pretty much back to where I started

>>37407936
Yep, you might try to convince her you'd make a decent servant to resurrect when she's completed her ascension but you'd have to roll really really well

Rolled 5, 4 = 9 (2d6)

>>37407966
Well I might take a shot at this, be a great servant for anything that she needs as long as I get to be resurrected
What ever she says shall be law to me if I am brought back

>>37405607
I..God damnit. That's pretty cool.

>>37408029
well... my future doesn't seem like a bright one no matter what

>>37403231
I presume that's a "dragoness" rather than a dragoness. Otherwise she can't use all those sex toys.

>>37408029
Not quite good enough, she contemplates it a bit, but she found new servants soon enough. You're forgotten about, just another part of her hoard she absorbed to make herself even closer to perfection

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>>37408081
If you liked it, I guess there's this too.

>>37408140
u wot m8

>>37407332
>>37407374
>dragon moves to place with slavery
>and a ban on importation of new slaves
>bones more slaves into existence
>devours the plantation
Fantasy Virginia is a scary place.

>>37408140
You'd be surprised what you can do with a feeldoe
Especially an enchanted one

>>37408163
The quotes are important.
>>37408192
that feels like cheating.

>>37408225
But that stash is about 99% dildos. The only male-specific toy in there is a solitary penis pump, so evidence weighs in favor of being female.

>>37408182
...Humans would be a pretty good investment for a dragon wouldn't it?
Especially if it's the whole King/Queen owns the land and the people on it type system
Your hoard pays you taxes AND makes more of itself
If you go by the more gp sacrificed= higher divine rank idea then you just have to wait for them to get numerous/wealthy enough then begin the feast

>>37408225
The pervert dragon probably has enchanted sex toys in that pile, a feeldoe with illusionary feedback isn't that unbelievable

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Why are dragons so hard to reason with

>>37408297
There's a fleshlight in the upper left corner of the pile.
>>37408316
Having to use one sex toy to test another just feels like it's unscientific. You've got to test JUST the fleshlight so you don't have other factors interrupting the testing.

>>37408371
They see humans as lesser life forms. Would you listen to financial advice from a cat?

>>37408371
Because you only think you're people

>>37408411
Is the cat Jewish?

>>37408398
Still, it's about a 1-100 ratio in favor of more feminine toys. Unless she was the faggest butt-bitch ever, I'd expect about parity between dildos and fleshlights if she was a guy (or simply indiscriminate). I suspect those are just there for completionism.

>>37408455
They changed their name to appear more so.

>>37408515
Good enough

>>37408411
I remember the time a cat gave me financial advice.
LSD is amazing like that
Anyways enough about how I became a drug lord
Mr. Dragon, how would you like to become business partners.
The soil on the mountain is excellent for farming

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>>37408543

>>37406208
Fucking of course he does. He's a kobold, telling him he has to marry a dragon is like saying "hey sister merideth, turns out god wants to fuck, you free friday?"

>>37408468
I don't know
I see a lot of sex toy discussion around 4chan, and it is about 90% dildos 10% fleshlights.
Mainly I think its that there's only so much possible variety in fleshlights. You can dress up the outside a bit and texture the inside, but its still just a tube.
Dildos can get pretty visually impressive, and I assume there's a lot more variation in sensation. If I were going to collect sex toys, dildos would definitely be the bulk of it

So many failed seduction attempts

>>37408683
Understandable, now answer >>37406745
>Would you let your dragoness waifu reach goddesshood if it means eating her prized possession (namely you) as part of the ritual?

>>37408585
Ah.
Well you see, I prepared for this situation.
Such a shame, so much could have been added to your horde, but now you tried to FUCK WITH ME!
Do you know how easy it is to get a medium level party.
DO YOU!
Halflings live me, dwarves respect me, Elven lords fear me, you are one dragon In a badlands
mountain.
Good day.

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>37408723
roll to seduce the dice

>>37408773
It just wants to stay friends

>>37408773
The dice only gave a half a second of thought about you before forgetting about you

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Rolled 2, 2 = 4 (2d6)

My Character Mr Mag is going to roll for a seduction upon the mighty dragon for a chance at claiming it's gold for the good ol' US of A

>>37408705
most sex discussion on 4chan is about dicks anyways.

I mean aside from like, /u/, but they're an outlier.

>>37408847
Well there's always Canada

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Rolled 3, 1 = 4 (2d6)

>>37408863
Rolling for Canadian seduction

>>37408924
>"Anon eh? Never heard of the fella. Goodbye"

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Messing with dragons is dangerous don'tcha know

>>37408746
If I was strong enough to have a say in the matter, then I wouldn't be part of her hoard, she would be part of mine. But honestly, he would probably do it.

That being said, Dragons live longer than kobolds so I would die someday anyways, and ideally it would work out like this.

>Come home from most recent conquest
>Begin pouring cart of loot into hoard as per usual
>Don't have much concept of economy but love shiny things so adding to the pile is satisfying
>See wife crouched in front of largest pile
>Outside she walks on two legs with soft skin but down here in the hoard she reverts to her most beautiful form
>Seems tense, pawing through treasure anxiously
>Walk over and ask if everything is alright
"Dear Kitik, how much do you think my hoard is worth?"
>Relieved, she asks this fairly often, never understood why the price matters when you can just swim through it instead.
"You know I'm not good with numbers, especially the big ones, but compared to you, nothing.
>Her face softens a little, scales shifting to a toothy smile.
"Flatterer. I've spent the week counting it. A hundred thousand pieces of gold at least, enough to buy the kingdom thrice over, but nothing compared to your silver tongue."
>Something still seems off, her eyes still seem distant.
>Tell her that I've been asked to slay a giant king, that his ransom is hefty indeed
>She asks me to stay instead.
"I have treasure, right now I'd rather treasure what I have."
And doesn't eat him until old age

>>37392796


>The Dragon is just some dumb, mildly cunning animal.
>It doesn't actually know what's going on and is just sort of lounging around like a wide-eyed cat while it watches it's "nest" attack you.

>The Hoard is actually the sapient and aware- possessing an enchanted hive mind that can expand as treasure is added to it.
>The Hoard has a symbiotic relationship established with the Dragon: The Dragon enjoys collecting shiny objects and the Hoard becomes more powerful and larger as it does so.

>>37409677
>The hoard collects dragons.

Did this once, though I had coin golems explode into shrapnel too.

>>37409214
That's rather sweet

>>37409677
>>37409699

>gold is Morgoth
>Morgoth made dragons

Mind=Blown

>>37409214
>You will never be so important to a dragoness that she'll put off her divine ascension until both you and her are ready for her to eat you

>>37410357
>Time finally comes
>Kobold is on his deathbed, old and dying.
>He knows about the ritual by now, is more than ready.
>Dragon is not
>Has spent decades trying to find a loophole
>Has spent huge amounts of the hoard to prolong his life in vain
>Not enough left for the ritual without him
>Sun is setting
>He coughs weakly and reaches out, his tiny claw finding her enormous cheek.
>feels the tremors beneath her warm hard scales.
"It won't be long now. we can't waste anymore time,before it gets dark, I can't leave without seeing your beauty one last time "
>He feels tears run over his hand
"Flatterer. I can wait one more day, it doesn't have to be tonight."
>The tone is pleading.
>He looks at her, his weak eyes see her scales painted by the dying sun.
>An artist would sell his soul just to dream this beauty
"No, it has to be now. Just promise me one thing my love"
>She rests a single massive claw against his.
"Anything. Anything for you."
>His breathing is weak now, his eyes are closed and his words barely stir the air
"Wherever you go after this, wherever I go after this. Will you find me?"
>That night no music played in the citadel
>The bards put down their lutes and lyres, Mothers hushed their lullabies and even the birds stopped their crooning to listen.
>None would be so bold as to interrupt the song of a dragon's heart breaking.

After the sun set a new light rose, with fiery wings and scales that shone so bright that daytime forever seemed dark.

"I'll find you.

>>37398513
>says gold can rust
>Describes something that is not rust
Rust is specifically the oxidization of iron. It's Iron Oxide, if it doesn't have iron in it then it's not rust.

Gold can oxidize given the right conditions, but that's not rust. You might as well say "water can in fact burn. It burns into vapor."
You're describing two fundamentally different things.

>>37406745
Well, if you're a lich as mentioned in >>37406374 you're immortal as long as your phylactery is intact, so why not? Get eaten by dragon, resurrect at your phylactery (which you have of course hidden in some clever place), be immortal with your god-dragon waifu.

>>37411181
That's not how it would work and you know it. Your body would amount to about 1 gp in worth as far as meat goes, it's obviously the "you" inside the body that would provide the actual value. Meaning that if you happened to have expendable bodies then they wouldn't count for the ritual.

Trying to skimp out on a sacrifice is poor form, she needs to eat YOU, not your fleshy bits. So if you have a phylactery she would need to eat that too for it to count.

>>37411230
Or my total wealth could just not be needed. I could giver her the difference NOT eating me would be, get "killed" by adventurers while defending dragon, she ascends to godhood and then I reform at my phylactery and surprise her back at home.

>>37411280
She has to eat her WHOLE hoard. Thats the whole point. No half measures.

The hoard has to be worth at LEAST 100,000gp, but in order for it to work they have to eat the entire thing. That's kind of how symbolism works. You can't shortchange metaphorical concepts, and trying to find loopholes in what is a pretty simple idea is fucking lame. If you count as part of the dragons hoard, then she needs to consume your total wealth. No hiding your phylactery, no "splitting your wealth" doing so would not only fuck up the ritual, but it would be stealing from a dragon.

I don't care how strong you think you are, stealing from a dragon one step away from godhood and tricking her into destroying her entire hoard for nothing is a sure way to ensure a fate far worse than simply being eaten.

>>37408861

/u/ is still the purest board.

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>37410924
Rolling to resist crying like a bitch

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>>37411473
How appropriate.

>>37410924
Ugh, I feel like I could have done better.
Damn character limit, it's hard spacing it out to be exactly 1500 characters long.

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>>37411773
you did great.

now do more.

>>37412035
Alright I know I'm not using greentext in it's appropriate 2nd person perspective so forgive me.

>It didn't hurt, just a gust of warmth that smelled of her.
>Then nothing.
>Then something.
>The kobold opened his eyes, no longer grey and dim.
>his bones no longer hurt, he stood up straight an marveled at the feeling of youth again.
>He raised his gaze from his pristine new body to his surroundings.
>His claws clicked on floors of hammered mithral, his eyes washed over towers of gold, filled with glimmering windows of gemstone.
>A castle beyond belief stood before him, soaring into heights filled with light like a thousand suns but gentle as a waning moon, And beyond that something more.
>His gaze was met by a platinum. Infinite scales each seemingly larger than the last framing eyes like white hot stars.
>The great dragon god Bahamut opened his jaws and spoke to the kobold.
"Welcome to life anew and eternal little one."
>His voice was everywhere, sound beyond volume permeated him.
>The kobold did not bow under the force of it, but knelt out of respect.
"It is an honor great wyrm, He who's claws hold back chaos."
>He felt mirth from those white hot eyes.
"Rise little one, you have earned your place here in my realm. You are truly one of mine, and need not kneel in my home."
>The kobold stood and met the gaze unfaltering.
"I mean no disrespect, but you're wrong"
>Fear beyond measure filled him as the light became harsh.

...continued-

>>37412277
>The kobold felt bristles of anger, but amongst them, curiosity as the shining god before him spoke.
"In a thousand eons there has been nothing unknown to me in my realm, and yet you dare tell me I am wrong. Tell me, what riddle has passed through my gates?"
>He took a breath, calming himself and standing straighter as he replied.
"I did not mean to correct you, it's true my life was spent serving you, and it was a glorious life that I thank you for. But I cannot be yours."
>The anger had faded, but the curiosity in the air grew, seeming to tug at the kobold as the shining god brought his great head closer.
"Why not little riddle? You gave your life to me and this is your reward, to be at my side forever more in paradise, do you dare think to leave me now?"
"I gave my life to you true, and did it gladly, but I have given my death to another. To stay here with you would be to steal what forever more belongs to her. And as I'm sure you know lord Bahamut,"
>A great crashing filled the air and the the world itself seemed to tear open.
>The mithral beneath them and the gold above grew warm, then hot, then scorching as a roar of fire and power reverberated across the realm.
"-It's not wise to steal from the hoard of a dragon."

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>>37412505
Sheeeeeeit!

Please, sir, I want some more.

>>37412657
What's left? "The kobold lives happily with his dragon god wife as she carves a lair into the side of Mount Celestia and they spend eternity together."?

I mean I suppose there could be a story or two about her rise to true godhood, and his exploits as her avatar, but I feel like it's just a different tone that doesn't really need writing about.

>>37411360
>>37411181
You guys are idiots.

>be lich
>be part of dragon's horde
>get eaten whole, phylactery and all
>give no fucks
>cast magnificent mansion inside dragon and chill
>acid? Who gives a fuck? Permanencied immunity to acid, or acid resist
>cast simulacrum if I need stuff outside
>chillin' in mah god-dragon otherwise

>>37412766
I was kind of hoping for a quick "aw shit, I dun goofed" moment from Bahamut, or something about not pissing off a dragon.

But I suppose you're right. And I don't want to go back and add to the screen cap.

>>37412779
>I'm sure your lich powers will protect you from literal god level power. Even if you luck out and it's an evil dragon god, because a dragon god of good would toast your ass instantly, you still wouldn't be able to survive the ordeal. I'm pretty sure a dragon's insides are more than capable of disrupting magic, especially when that dragon is a god.
You think your paltry necromancy can stand up to not only dragon magic, not only god magic, but also the ritual magic that turns a dragon INTO a god? Because I'm pretty sure that's going to cross some wires.

And yet again you simple fucks don't seem to understand that it's a RITUAL. Which means the things done to make it happen aren't just mechanical actions and technicalities. The dragon needs to CONSUME you. That doesn't mean "put in her stomach", it means consumed. That's how magic works. Do you think when it says "requires 5k gp worth of diamond dust" on a spell that you can just eat a diamond and shit it out later to fool the spell into working?

Of course not. Either the Ritual will fail because you stopped yourself from truly being consumed. Or the ritual will succeed because you were destroyed completely. There is no inbetween, there is no way to get both. Either the spell works because the ritual was followed, or the spell fails because you tried to cheat it out based on wordplay.

If the spell says sacrifice, you can't squirt some ketchup on a goat and expect MAGIC to be fooled.

>>37412948
Naw, Bahamut's a cool guy in my mind, like the ultimate grandfather. He would laugh and give them both his blessing. Thanking his "little riddle" for bringing mirth to his realm and inviting them back for dinner.

and it's not like a fledgling god could actually pose a threat to a great old god like Bahamut. The story could only get less interesting as it went on. The trick is knowing when to cut off a little bit of story in exchange for the ending being dramatic.

>>37412952
I think trying to cheat it like that would most likely keep the ritual from completing until the litch/whatever gets digested

Though given she's a god now, it probably wouldn't be that hard for her to resurrect him afterward

Unless his soul is consumed also, then it's a matter of asking is the hoard obliterated or is it absorbed used to fuel her ascension?
If it's the latter she could probably use him as her avatar, assuming she has the divine ability/gets it for free

>>37413055

>is it absorbed used to fuel her ascension
So she becomes a goddess that turns her (only) worshiper into assfat?

>>37413055
I'd say that it's a one way trip to the afterlife. No resurrection, at least not as is. I'd compromise on the idea that she could go tear the soul back from whatever afterlife you ended up in to come back to her's, and even that you could become some kind of avatar of her divine power, but straight resurrection seems like it breaks too many philosophical laws of balance.

though the kicker here is that by being a lich, you've exchanged your right to an afterlife for immortality. Once your form and phylactery are gone so are you, poof, nothingness, no soul to pass on. So really being a lich is the worst way to approach it.

>>37406512
I'm not sure if living being can really be considered a part of a hoard. Sure, dragons can have servants or slaves, but they don't usually consider them a part of their hoard. The hoard is the pile of gold and other valuables they sit on.

Though I have no idea how the spell defines a hoard. It may just be the things the dragon considers most valuable, in which case pretty much anything could be a hoard. And if the dragon's hoard is indeed the kingdom, what would eating it entail? Like if the dragon eats the king and all of his relatives, the original kingdom will cease to be, but that probably wouldn't count since all the wealth and people remain. But even if the dragon eats all the people and wealth, you could make an arqument that part of the kindom, namely the land they controlled, still exists (at least untill it gets claimed by somebody else). Doe the dragon have to eat the land as well?

>>37413243
I'd guess "consume", in the context of a kingdom, would be to ravage the land to such a massive extent that nothing is left, it's entire value permanently taken in by the dragon.

But that's just my interpretation.

>>37413043
Makes sense. The dinner bit would be a neat little story, though.

>The trick
As a newbie writefag, I thank you for pointing this out for me to think about. I always have problems starting and ending things.

>>37406770
You know, I feel you could make a pretty good board game from this idea.
The players play as dragons trying to collect a big enough hoard to ascend, but since dragons hate wasting gold they want to get as close to the required 100,000gp as possible. At the end of the game, points are awarded both byt who ascended first and byt how close to the minium limit they could do it (you get negative points for any extra gold wasted during your acension).

>>37413537
>Good news is she still loves me and wants you as her avatar/mate

Did you just freudian slip that even in your fantasy I'm going to slip your dragon girlfriend the D on the sly?

>>37413613
You know what? Fuck it

>>37413144
>Be adventurer
>Want immorality
>Don't wanna be a lich
>Find a nice dragoness
>Earn her loyalty/Prove my loyalty
>Give her gifts and become her most prized possession while stroking her ego
>Let her think of herself as a benevolent goddess
>Let her "discover" the dragon ascension ritual from one of the books gifted to her
>After a bit of internal debate on her end and her "revealing" what she'd have to do, tell her it'd be an honor to help her reach godhood that way
>Let her "discover" that I could live on as her avatar after the ritual
Later when she has enough gold
>Recognize that gleam in her eye as her jaws come down, realize with her 30+ int she knew what you were manipulating her into
>Become Avatar
>Turns out she put 1 and 1 together and made 5
>Good news is she still loves you and wants you as her avatar/mate for the rest of eternity
>Bad news is she thinks you have a vore fetish

>>37413243
>Doe the dragon have to eat the land as well?
I now have an image of a bunch of PCs stumbling across a desolated kingdom with a dragon eating the dirt used in the farmland crying about how there is just so much

>>37413519
I think I've seen something like that but I don't know where

>>37397004
>>dragon wanders off and dies at some point

The hoard killed the dragon.

>>37414814
It wanted the valuable dragon bones

As an accoutant I'm curious if a dragon's hoard recieves compound interest, I meam some of those gold pieces could belong to civilizations that no longer exist

>>37414895
Does the hoard get anything for consuming its dragon?

>>37415167
Is the dragon worth at least 100,000 go?

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Imagine as in alternative to becoming a dracolich a dragon instead sheds its' mortal coil and possesses its' own hoard. Then the amorphous treasure pile that is the draco-hoard consumes it's valuable bones and forms into a sort of golden magitech mecha-godzilla like entity. Magically hardened scales of gold coins and armor plating, bristling with batteries of wands and staves, teeth of enchanted swords, all formed around the dragon's old skeleton.

>>37413144
If a lich gives his dragoness waifu his phylactery and the dragoness eats it as part of the godhood ritual, does the dragoddess become his new phylactery?

if the gold charged money for sexual favours wold it become a whoarde??

>>37415714
That seems like a good idea right until he reforms in her belly

>>37415167

>>37415167
Dragon bone is a Rare and valuable material and the hoard hoards valuable things. There's probably books and phylacteries in there too. The licheso can't escape because lich bones are rare and powerful and the hoard won't part with the liches.

>>37416197
He can climb out

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>>37413243
I'd figure some dragons would try to keep alive rather infamous/powerful people that invade its lair / it manages to snatch, just to ransom/sell them later or preserve them ( ego-boost ).

>>37417327
Packed in the original stasis spell! ,you know they are more valuable that way.

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Rolled 2, 2 = 4 (2d6)

What if I trick the dragon into thinking I am also a dragon but bigger, stronger, and more intimidating than her

>>37411094
technically, with a strong enough oxidizing agent, like chlorine triflouride, water can and will burn quite vigorously... though it's kinda cheating

>>37418052
chlorine trifluorine in general is kinda cheating. Isn't it one of those substances that technically shouldn't exist (it's inherently unstable and doesn't really conform to normal stoikiometry)?

>>37417932
You successfully convince the dragon that you are another dragon. Bad news: she thinks you are a midget submissively presenting yourself to her.

>>37416668
I doubt most wizards would have enough ranks in escape artist

Rolled 6, 2 = 8 (2d6)

>>37418744
shit... Will I survive?

>>37418782
Survive?
Yes
Survive unharmed?
Well roll an escape artist and a strength check

Rolled 1, 6 = 7 (2d6)

>>37418862
Should I fail, Valhalla awaits

>>37418947
...I don't think that is good.

>>37418947
Well, good news it's a bit tight but you don't have to worry about getting crushed, Bad news is you slipped beyond her reach, she thinks you like it in there and assumes you can let yourself out when you want to. Enjoy your new home she certainly is

>>37392796
Unlimited Coin Works?

Rolled 4, 1 = 5 (2d6)

Well... all that's left is to fap

Rolling for a good fap

>>37419228
I'm not even allowed a good fap

>>37419228
>>37419258
Keep in mind where you are.
Roll to avoid impregnating her

Rolled 3, 4 = 7 (2d6)

>>37419311
oh shit I forgot that dragons were like that

>>37419383
Congratulations on being a daddy

Roll 2d6 just one more time...

Rolled 3, 5 = 8 (2d6)

>>37419485
S-sure

>>37419500
You tend to be really unlucky in this don't you?
First die
1-2 get out, 3 get stuck, 4-5 reincarnated as a dragonborn, 6 reincarnated as a dragon
Second die clutch size
The clutch is a bit larger than average and though you can't really tell in there, she loves the idea of a nice fertile mate she doesn't have to share her lair or hoard with, she's going to be expecting a new batch every time she's in season

>>37419666
Thanks Satan

I guess i'm a father now stuck inside the mother forever increasing the population

I always have bad luck in rolls it seems

>>37411094
Oxidation is rust dingus, it's just not iron oxidation.

>>37419816
You are a humanoid lantern fish. How horrifying. Kill yourself them try again might get lucky this time

>>37420696
Oxidation is oxidation. Rust is specifically the oxidation of iron and only iron, though rarer forms of rust can use something other than oxygen, it's impossible for rust to form from anything other than iron.

If you don't believe me look it up. You're just wrong about this, it's pretty cut and dry.

>>37421076
Saying gold rusts is obviously saying it oxidises. You can pander around nitpicking over the exact term but the truth is most people use the word rust when talking about oxidation.

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>>37392942

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>>37403231

>>37421240
No they don't, rust and oxidation are both simple scientific terms that don't change because you're ignorant about them.
for that matter, you're not using the word "pander" correctly either.

And for the final matter, a rust monster is specifically described as only affecting ferrous metal in all it's manual entries. Because ferrous means "contains iron" and RUST IS EXCLUSIVELY THE OXIDATION OF IRON.

your willingness to defend your ignorance explains a great deal about why you're ignorant in the first place

So it turns out that in Pathfinder, taking the "Object of Desire" trait to boost the DC on charm spells, and then charming a dragon... well it has consequences.

>>37422888
Explain

>>37418123
well, it will ignite asbestos, and sand, and then the resultant molten glass too. tt'll burn water, titanium, cement and a bunch of other traditionally not flammable materials. it's like magic, but science.

>>37406745
Could a lich survive being eaten by a dragon long enough to come out the other end? How effective is stomach acid against a lich?
I mean, if she digests what is digestible there and shits out bones, then she has consumed the lich. That the bones are still undead afterwards is irrelevant.
>>37408140
Dragons can polymorph.
>>37408411
If a cat started talking to me, I would probably believe anything it said because either I've taken some serious drugs, or Sailor Moon needs our help.
>>37411181
If she owns you, she owns your phylactery.
>>37413144
>though the kicker here is that by being a lich, you've exchanged your right to an afterlife for immortality. Once your form and phylactery are gone so are you, poof, nothingness, no soul to pass on. So really being a lich is the worst way to approach it.
I'm pretty sure liches get an afterlife. Not a very good one, as they're mostly evil-aligned, but an afterlife. Didn't Vecna re-die and get brought back at one point before he ascended to godhood?
>>37413445
Does it say consume, or does it say eat? Those are very different things in the context of a large amount of land.
>>37415138
It has negative depreciation, some of which is due to deflation. It does not receive interest.
>>37415714
That has never been how phylacteries work. If your phylactery is destroyed, you can make a new one.
>>37422888
Elaborate. Story time?

>>37423016
>Be changeling, dreamweaver witch.
>Be sexy with 18 Charisma, Fashionable trait for Diplomancy and Object of Desire for boost to Charm spell DCs.
>Encounter sleeping dragon well above party level, cast Charm Monster just as it wakes up.
>Dragon fails the save
>Dragon is a Young Adult, Imperial Sky Dragon female
>She just decided I'm cute enough to buy from the party for her rather small hoard.
>End up as hormonal teen dragons plaything.
>She's LG and big on punishment for my LE witch.

>>37424338
Mmmmm. Good end.

>>37424241
Pretty sure Vecna only had most of his body destroyed (excepting his hand/head obviously) but not his phylactery. He reformed and started a cult, rising to power and becoming a sort of demigod. Then he was imprisoned in a demiplane but fought his way out and absorbed the power of a god, which ascended him to relative godhood in his own right.
He was never fully destroyed

But I suppose it's all dependant on how you fluff your lichs. In my mind the ritual to to become a lich doesn't just tear out your soul and put it in a phylactery for safe keeping. In order to live eternally, you metaphorically sacrifice your ability to die, trading away your ticket to the afterlife in return for "living" forever. Your phylactery essentially becomes your own personal afterlife. After all, it's where your soul goes after you "die" in the ritual, so if it gets destroyed it takes your soul with it.

Otherwise lichs would be too powerful, having their phylactery destroyed wouldn't mean anything because they could just go to hell until they were strong enough to fight their way back out again. And eventually we'd be up to our dicks in lichs because none of them would ever be taken out of the equation.

>>37424772
>Pretty sure Vecna only had most of his body destroyed
Alright. I just wasn't really clear on where he was between OD&D's Eldritch Wizardry and Vecna Lives!.
(Also, I think you mean his eye, not his whole head. The Head of Vecna is just a /tg/ joke.)
> it's where your soul goes after you "die" in the ritual, so if it gets destroyed it takes your soul with it.
But you can make a new one after it gets destroyed unless your body is destroyed too.
>go to hell until they were strong enough to fight their way back out again
Except the lower parts of the outer planes are home to much, much stronger things that keep them there.

>>37424942
I thought becoming a lich basically just put a pause on death and when you did die it was business as normal

>>37424241
>Could a lich survive being eaten by a dragon long enough to come out the other end? How effective is stomach acid against a lich?
>I mean, if she digests what is digestible there and shits out bones, then she has consumed the lich. That the bones are still undead afterwards is irrelevant.
Okay, according to the draconomicon, dragons can take a feat for swallow whole so I'm going off of that
At max with a colossal dragon it deals 2d8 bludgeoning damage and 4d8 damage of the same type as the dragon's breath weapon every round, at min with a huge dragon 1d8 and 2d8 respectively

Liches have DR 15/bludgeoning and magic, unfortunately all dragons large enough to take the snatch and swallow feat are old enough for their natural weapons count as magic, and again it deals bludgeoning damage so it'll take the full brunt of that first 1-2d8

Now liches are immune to cold and electricity so have nothing to fear from that, but have no other energy resistance so if the dragoness breaths fire, acid, or sound our lich will take the brunt of that also

So at minimum the lich will take an average of 4.5 damage each round, at maximum 22.5, so the question is how much hp does the lich have and how long will it take for it to pass

Assuming no minimaxing, you need an 11th level character to become a lich, so HD= 11d12, averaging to 71.5 hp.

So averaging dice but assuming otherwise minimum values and assuming best case (dragoness with an electric or cold breath weapon), a lich could survive 16 rounds or around a minute and a half in the belly of a dragoness, longer for higher leveled liches, and shorter for larger dragonesses

I should note, this assumes no spells or magic items are being used, with proper preparation, I wouldn't doubt a lich could survive a full tour of a dragoness's insides

>>37424772
>But I suppose it's all dependant on how you fluff your lichs.
Yeah I'm pretty sure it's very vague what happens to a lich's soul

>>37424673
Not even over yet, trying to corrupt her a bit and convince her to join us before the charm wears off and she plain eats me.

>>37425113
>16 rounds or around a minute and a half
Okay. I'm guessing a dragon passes it's meals around every twelve hours because why not, so that's a no without magic being involved, and any magic that would keep the damage from happening would mean he's not actually being consumed, so HP-raising magic would be the only option.
Ring of Regeneration?

>>37425272
Absorb hp via the dragon then?

>>37424241
>If she owns you, she owns your phylactery.
A better question ask is, if she owns your phylactery does she own your soul?

>>37424942
>But you can make a new one after it gets destroyed unless your body is destroyed too.
I think is just a very common house rule, unless there's a book where it's said somewhere

>>37425272
>Ring of Regeneration
That heals your level in HP every hour, and i'm not positive that would work on a lich, it might be wiser to find someway to spam negative energy without hitting the dragoness

>>37425351
I don't think she would appreciate that

>text-to-speech messing up my post again

>>37424241
>Does it say consume, or does it say eat? Those are very different things in the context of a large amount of land.
It's eat, The dragon has to eat it's hoard

>>37427543
Then it has to eat the land. That's pretty black and white.

>>37420756
>Kill yourself
How?

Rolled 5, 1, 2, 5, 5 = 18 (5d6)

>>37430983
rolling for an hero

>>37431665
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBwS66EBUcY

>>37431665
Again, how?
It's not like you have much options in there

>>37424241
>>37425113

Considering the ritual requires the dragon to eat its hoard, which tends to be composed of a huge pile of gold (generally known for being one of the most corrosion-resistant metals), I don't think the lich's body is likely to survive his journey through the dragoness. I figure the whole thing involved some magical shit anyway. Like when the dragoness finishes eating her hoard, it gets magically converted into assfat, er, godly energy or something, and she ascends.

Speaking of which, how large amount is 100,000gp anway, as in volume/mass-wise? Assuming fantays gold coins are roughly the same size as the ones used historically. Considering gold is pretty dense, I'd imagine that's a lot. A smart dragon would probably convert their hoard into diamonds or magical items to avoid having to eat their bodyweight in gold coins.

>>37435100
Most dragons are gonna try to get the diamonds and the gold, though. Like, they're so covetous that rising above the greed is literally apotheosis, that treasure is not leaving and trying to preserve the hoard like that is demonstrating they aren't there yet.

>>37435100
According to the PHB, 50 gp equals 1 pound.
So that means 100,000 gp equals 2000 pounds or 1 ton.
And apparently "how big is one ton of gold?" gets asked fairly often on Google and the answer looks to be a 20 x 20 by 20 in. cube.

So assuming it's just gold and not art, gems, or servents/pets she plans to convert into her soon-to-be divine assfat, it would be a 1 ton cube a bit smaller than 2 feet on each side, or something the size of a tiny-sized creature that weighs as much as a large-size creature

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>37408162
more?

>>37435239
That's a lot less than I thought. You usually see dragon hoards that are massive piles of gold big enough for the dragon to lay ontop of. Turns out 100,000 gold is pretty small as far as hoards go. So eighter almost any dragon could ascend if they'd be willing to part with their treasure, or fantasy illustration has given us unrealistically high standards of what counts as a proper hoard.

>>37435315
The latter, 100,000 gp is the amount you can expect to see a 17th level NPC having.

Most dragon hoards are probably mostly copper pieces

>>37435239
>>37435315

IIRC, all gold in the world, if smelted down into a big cube, would fit inside an average sized room. Smaug's lair in the Hobbit movie probably contains an order of magnitude more gold than has been mined in the history of the Earth.

>>37435100
>I figure the whole thing involved some magical shit anyway. Like when the dragoness finishes eating her hoard, it gets magically converted into assfat, er, godly energy or something, and she ascends.
I was assuming the same, does make me wonder though, with our hypothetical lich's phylactery, or really any person or ensouled thing she regards as part of her hoard, would it just be the body that gets sacrificed to her now divine assfat or would the soul be consumed as well?

>>37431836
Spells anon

>>37435454
Which ones?
Hope they don't have somatic components

>>37435427
In case of a lich, I'd arque that the body of the lich is essentially worthless. His soul is housed in the phylactery, and will just rebuild a new body is the old one gets destroyed.

Therefore, the dragoness needs to eat the phylactery. Not sure if that kills the lich outright, but it does mean the next time he dies, he dies for real. Bonus points for phylactery actually being pretty valuable money-wise as well (the material cost listed to make one is around 10,000gp I think).

>>37413685
>Bad news is she thinks you have a vore fetish
"Bad" news? Who wouldn't want to spend the night in a soft dragon belly, listening to her heartbeat, at least with precautions against her accidentally killing you.

>>37436345
I always figured avatars were like a projection that the god chooses to manifest, which would basically mean you exist as a voice in her head until she gives you a physical form.

>>37411473
Crit fail, you LITERALLY cry your eyes out

>>37425511
>it might be wiser to find someway to spam negative energy without hitting the dragoness
Can't liches use their own touch attack on themselves for healing? A level 11 lich can touch itself for 1d8+5 hp per round.

>>37437245
So you'll masturbate yourself through the ordeal?

>>37437972
Sounds fun.

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>>37409214
>>37410924
please write a full story

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>>37437972
you wouldn't?

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>>37438778
damn it /tg/, stop making me enjoy wierd stuff