>>23312907 what am I unwilling to do exactly? I've lost so much weight in the hopes of looking better. I've tried talking to people in school. Tried joining club. Tried going out to bars. People don't want to interact with me.I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I try and dress decent, I try and talk to people, start conversations etc. What am I supposed to do? a lot of people around town just instantly drop me b/c I'm from Iran. It's been like this since elementary school after 9/11.
You're friendless because you're from Iran? Dude. I wish I was there. I'd befriend you instantly. You seem like a cool dude and a diligent, intelligent individual. All of which are admirable qualities. No doubt you have many other fantastic characteristics.
I'm just bad at initiating relationships of any kind.
I'm well-spoken and good looking, but I think I give off vibes of insecurity and/or uncertainty. I can also be a bit formal when first getting to know people, and often get into sort of heady topics that they might not be interested in.
I think I've been doing better on that front recently, but no friends IRL, at least not in my local area.
I don't have a particular preference for anyone. My desire to be with people is often based on their intelligence, interests, and hobbies. What hobbies do you have? I don't understand why people are like, but it sounds like a problem unique to 'murica.
I got bullied every single day and otracised from society right throughout my life until I started University. I was verbally abused, regularly physically beaten, and emotionally distraught, all whilst concealing it from my family due to shame and guilt. Since then, I've made loads of friends, and I'm told that I seem confident.
>>23312997 We're all one, maaaan >>23313002 A lot of psych stuff, a touch of philo or sciencey stuff here and there.
Thing is, psych/neuroscience is kind of relevant to every experience we have, so sometimes they'll say something that's really well explained by some theory or finding and I'll bring it up and try to concisely explain it and I'll get a "hm. Interesting." in response.
I'm no autismo-tron, I pick up on social cues and don't go off for 20 minutes on my favorite topic, I think I just make people feel alienated.
I think once I've gotten to know someone, I take a much more casual approach (even when discussing the heady stuff). The irony is that I think that approach would be much more attractive for a first impression, but it generally takes me time to get there. I've gotten much better, but I still have a ways to go.
>>23312936 >>23313020 OP You're adorable and great. Don't ever let anybody make you feel like you're less than them or unworthy of friendship. Especially for something as simple as being from Iran. You seem like an attractive, well dressed, well spoken guy with good hobbies. I'd be your friend any day.
I don't see why people don't take an interest in those topics, they all seem interesting to me. I try to take an interest in everything anyway - I always like to learn new things as I want to be knowledgeable and clever.
Ah, I've always been interested in psychology and buy second hand books from charity shops (I'm poor), though I've not yet got round to reading any. Do you have any books that you'd recommend?
If people just reply "Hm, interesting" then I guess they're either uninterested, or you explained in so much detail prior to that response that it overwhelmed them with new information, so it makes it challenging to formulate a good response. I doubt you make people feel alienated. Maybe intimidated by your smartness?
In regards to philosophy, I did have an attempt at understanding it by reading an introductory book by someone called (I think) Bertrand Russell, and liked his concept of the table. For example, if a table is covered by a cloth, how can one possibly know whether or not it's a table? Has it become something else? What are the qualities? Knocking on the wood? The texture? Etc. I'm currently studying Jurisprudence too, so I've covered some basics but it's mostly law-related because of my degree.
With science, well..it fascinates me but it's never been my strong point. Did you read/see/hear about the information released today relating to Einstein's belief of gravitational forces?
Also I think delving into deeper conversations with people right off the bat is an admirable quality, I find small talk and shallow conversation to be whatever the opposite of the spice of life is. If someone can't appreciate that then maybe they aren't good enough friend material, well-spoken doesn't mean confident all the time so if you're lacking there add a little assuredness to your speech and actions even if it's just changing the pace of your speech, the volume, or levels of eye contact/attention given
>>23313073 "How to build a mind" by Ray Kurzweil is fascinating, both for its discussion of the mind and the discussion of how an advanced artificial intelligence would be designed. >or you explained in so much detail prior to that response that it overwhelmed them with new information I try not to go too heavy on the detail, but who knows, I could be fucking up. >Maybe intimidated by your smartness? Maybe, and I've heard people say that they didn't expect me to have the intellectual inclination that I do when they look at me, but I don't like defaulting to this as an explanation. I think a truly intelligent person is good at strategizing, and that would apply in the social area as much as anywhere else.
As for the bit about Einstein, no, I didn't hear anything about his ideas today. Something to do with general relativity I'm guessing?
> "How to build a mind" by Ray Kurzweil is fascinating
I've made a note of this, cheers anon. It sounds really interesting, so I'll no doubt get the same level of joy from it as you did.
> I try not to go too heavy on the detail, but who knows, I could be fucking up.
I'm sure you do just fine anon. I wouldn't dwell or worry about it. If you have work colleagues, then there may be external links with the organisation which can enable you to broaden your horizon and meet new people. Alternatively, if studying, then there's usually societies and clubs to participate in if you're interested.
> I've heard people say that they didn't expect me to have the intellectual inclination that I do when they look at me
What the f- Dude, I see no problems whatsoever. You seem more than capable of carrying a conversation and having interesting discussions, so don't blame these perceived social faults on yourself because they're really not yours to bear.
Here's more about the black hole stuff: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-35524440
>>23312842 I'm friendless a swell op, from being poor as dirt, and being born into a shitty family that most people avoid, I've grown up with being treated like shit or been used by people in general. Currently living in an Rv park with no a/c and hating myself. But other than that I am fine, keep our heads up!
I just wanted to come in and say that if anyone is friendless because they prefer to be, awesome. I get it.
But if you are friendless because of social anxiety or whatnot, I hope you can find a way to break out of your shell. I used to be that way. Now i consider myself to be an extroverted introvert. I am naturally very shy and reserved. But I found that it really limited my career options and my ability to make a living. I found some organizations, joined some groups, started hanging out with people in those groups, and have kind of forced myself to get out there and be more social.
Mind you, at parties i still like to find a quiet area to hang out it and chat with only one or two other people. I'm not the life of the party by any means, but I'm definitely more comfortable and have made some great friends.
Look for groups. Look for local organizations you may be interested in. If you're religious, find people at church, maybe look into like the elks or the shriners or a ham radio group or a gardening group or a comic book group or pokemon group or poker group or just anything that gets you out and about where you find people with a common interest and can develop friendships.
Again, that's my advice from a person who was friendless and hated it. If anyone enjoys being friendless, this advice is not for you. Live you life and be happy if that's what makes you happy.
Also, to the guy from Iran, when looking at groups to join, don't join ISIS.
Lots of people taking part in this conversation, wow. But i think that most of the people here can relate. We are interesting and once we get to know you we would be amongst the best friends you can have, but beginning a relation is weird. I spent all of new years eve with a groupe of maybe 10 people and it went really well (even if i didn't plan on even going out of my apartment this night, good thing i didn't stick to my plan), and when one of this people showed up yesterday to the store where i work i kind of crashed. I put on a mask, a whole new persona when i work otherwise i would not be able to be such a good employee (i sell glasses, but we don't just SELL, we give advice and shit). Anyway i knew i saw this guy before and when i realized where my mind could not decide if i should act like my "work self", or my normal behaviour (at least when i go out). In french you don't use the same word for "YOU" if it's formal or with a friend. I kept going back from one to the other. Anyway just a little anecdote to say that i totally get this feeling, i'd love to have a few great friends to spent a nice evening with, even to cuddle with a few maybe (sex is a totally different question, i was able to fuck some random people but without feelings i don't like it), but i can't do it.... This sucks
>>23312936 On a purely phisycal point of view, i don't think you have a lot of people to envy, if i was gay i would definitaly be into you, especially your hair, i don't know why. And talking about interesting stuff is a plus, but getting through the 1st 2 sentences is the worst challenge...
>>23313560 What joke? I was trying to be helpful (i seriously don't see one in my post, but that might be one of my problem, i sometime say stuff i should not that get interpreted wrongly). If it's about the hair i DO like them
>>23313543 Okay fucker you are taking to an Armenian whose family came here as from Iran as refugees after the Muslims overthrew the Shah and threatened to kill us for being Christians.
You're not taking to an ignorant piece of shit, you're talking to someone who knows first hand what it is like to experience a hostile Muslim takeover.
Maybe you don't have friends because you instantly assume the worst in people. Maybe stop projecting your own feelings of self hate about your ethnicity on other people. People don't hate you because of your olive skin. Get over that complex, brush that chip off your shoulder. It would serve you well in your life.
>>23313652 You just assumed I'm Muslim b/c of where I'm from
and I'm being ignorant? You yourself are from Iran and a christian. It wouldn't piss you off if people called you a terrorist or compared you to ISIS on a daily basis just because of where you are from? eat shit.
>>23313685 >You just assumed I'm Muslim b/c of where I'm from nah, he didn't even if he did, why do you fucking care iran is so overwhelmingly muslim that getting offended about such an assumption would be akin to getting offended that someone assumed that you have legs
>>23313685 >You just assumed I'm Muslim b/c of where I'm from
You're saying that I'm being ignorant because (in your mind) I made the assumption that you were Muslim?
First off crybaby, I never said you were muslim. Before I even referenced ISIS, I mentioned several other groups you might consider joining if were interested in making friends, including the Elks, a ham radio group, a gardening group, a comic book group, a poker group, or even a pokemon group.
Are you offended that I thought you might like comic books or Pokemon because you stated you were into anime and vidya?
No? then why the fuck would you get get your panties in a twist when you assumed I thought you might be a muslim when you come from a country where 98 fucking percent of the population is Muslim? It isn't as if that was a real stretch.
As long as you wear your ethnicity with such disdain, you will never have any friends. If you really live in a city where you are a pariah because of your ethnicity, fucking move. Move to NYC or San Francisco or LA (But not Glendale) or Seattle or somewhere with culture and nobody will give a shit where you're from. Until then, just keep having your pity party and trying to figure out why nobody likes you. The rest of us can already see why.
>>23312878 Literally friendless femanon here. Still trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. been on a few dates, dates seem to go well, but don't really hear from them again, or they don't seem to be interested in hanging out again.
>>23316474 Could be. I dunno. I'm kind of awkward around new people, but my coworkers think I'm hilarious (but I don't really like them that much to consider them friends). But I also dislike most people, and maybe it shows.
My teeth also aren't straight and I've always thought that to be the main reason. Because crooked teeth can turn even a ten into like a 5.
>>23312878 Don't really have any light in my room to post a current selfie so here's one from not too long ago.
I'm not unlovable, but I'm terrified of love now because my first and only serious girlfriend I've had ended up hanging herself. I lost my social life to that because I'm terrified of getting close to anyone as friends or anything. I've been trying to work on it to make it better, but nothing helps. Valentines day this year would be our 5th anniversary. 3rd one without here. Feels bad man.
>>23316493 28/M Honestly I doubt teeth are a dealbreaker. If we're talking friends as well, definitely not.
Social flexibility was my problem. Used to have anxiety issues around alcohol and low self confidence so I isolated myself from just about everyone in college. Once I started drinking socially that all changed, and I'm mentally a lot healthier for it (not saying alcohol is a solution, my dad's an alcoholic so getting over that was a healthy move for me).
You'll get there if you're determined. Just gotta approach it rationally, as hard as that is when you're lonely. Take opportunities even if they're not perfect for you (like hanging out at a bar used to be for me). I'm convinced that most people on this site are actually pretty normal, intelligent people. You'll be fine.
>>23316518 I would get braces, but I had a consultation a long time ago, and I need a surgery to relocate my jaw. (I have a really bad overbite). I think the cost as $60k. But I might be able to get braces on just the upper teeth.
>>23316543 I tend to let conversations die sometimes because I just don't know what to talk about, and only remember what to talk about when i get home.
Like recently, met a guy, he said it was nice to finally meet me. He messaged me the next day asking how my day has been going. Replied and asked how his was going. he never replied, and then never answered about seeing a movie tomorrow. I'm just a really impatient person and am really sucky at 'dating". is this "asking how youre doing and then ignoring the response" thing a common thing or what.
>>23316835 Shame you're too far away. I would date you. You sound like a nice person. And who doesn't want to be with a nice person. As for your teeth, don't worry too much. I used to date a girl whose right face was one big birthmark. At first I though "wow", but after a while, I didn't see the birthmark when I looked into her face, I saw her (as it should be). It'll be the same with your teeth with the right guy
>>23316835 >I would get braces, but I had a consultation a long time ago, and I need a surgery to relocate my jaw. (I have a really bad overbite). I think the cost as $60k. But I might be able to get braces on just the upper teeth.
Oh wow I'm sorry to hear that. What a bummer. :(
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