I just. I don’t know. I’m writing this because I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone. You came back into my life in early january. and I made everything about you. I wanted so bad to make you better. Now that you’re better I want you out of my life. It’s not that I hate you, In fact quite the opposite to a point that makes it awkward. I’ve meet you 8 years ago, and people make that joke about people having love at first sight moments, but I really did have one of those around you. I just felt like my head was spinning around, and for the first time in years of depression I felt clarity. It was a breathtaking moment. and every time I see you, even now I think you’re breathtaking. I wanna say it's a little crush, which might be true because everytime i'm around you I get crushed a little. but the thing is... I think you’re a wonderful guy. I wanted to break down and cry seeing the scars on your arms, I wanted to hold you in my arms and never let you go hearing about your suicide attempts. I wanted you to feel some measure of the love that I have for you so bad.
>>23279783 I’ve been in love with you for so long and it just hurts. What we want are two different things. I want someone to grow with. I want someone I can spend the rest of my life with. And all I ever get from you is that you’re looking for your next fuck and it hurts. I remember when I found out you had a bf and I was shattered. I just had to run. I felt awful with myself with fooling around with you while you had a bf, but also because I love you. and I have for a very long time. It;s just so hard to say because thinking about it gives me panic attacks and sends me into tears. I know you’re just gonna go away and abandon me again and it hurts. God I sound like a little bitch but it’s true. You’re one of the few people who make me emotional. I’ve been told I need to cut you out of my life by so many people. But I don’t want to give you up. I'm so scared tyler. I’m scared if I'm not there, If I can’t be there you’ll die. And if anyone really needs to it’s me. I’ve felt so broken when you left. I went from sleeping with 2 people to 10. I’ve been raped, and caught the clap. I just I didn’t do well without you. But at the same time I don’t need nor want you. All I feel is hurt. It’s nothing that you did and it’s all me. I’m scared of getting and letting you get close tyler. I don’t wanna get close like I was and be hurt. At the same time I’m clingy and keep trying to see you because I want you. I don’t care if it’s as a boyfriend or as a friend. I want to see you happy.
>>23279792 I miss you so bad. and i'm scared. I’m scared I’ll lose you so bad it’s my worst fear. but at the same time. I just don’t know. The entire situation is a mess for me. you’re the only one in this world who's made me feel like I could live up the the potential that I have, that I even have potential. The one who brings color to my life in spite of you being color blind. I just. I feel like I need you in my life like a fish needs water. I don’t really wanna find anyone else, all I want is you. I could talk about how you’re the most gorgeous man i’ve ever met, and the days we spent together with you were my happiest even with the sad parts. Like the Adele song, I wish nothing but the best for you. Just don’t forget me tyler. Even now with you struggling to get better, so am I and it’s like the blind leading the blind a bit. But all I want in this world is to see you smile, even if It means I’m hurt in the end.
I just need filled somehow. without you to fill my heart, I turn to sex or food. I just.... I miss you even when youre close to me because youll never be mine.
I...I don't even know what to say, at this point. Only that I finally feel like what we had is a part of my past. That its ghost has been laid to rest. I don't feel haunted anymore. Not in the same way.
I do feel compelled to say that I did love you, that it wasn't something I said just to say. I loved you intensely and completely.
You felt like a part of my mind. When something happened to me, I would wonder, what would you think? When something good happened to me, I wanted to share it with you.
By the same token, when I was unhappy, I wanted to share that with you too, and I think that was the end. I was stagnating. Living a small, unsatisfying life that left me without any interesting ideas to share with you.
I wish I hadn't blocked you, near the end. That I could somehow know what was in those 4 messages that I couldn't read, even though they were likely only meant to hurt me. I do wish that we could have repaired things.
But now, it finally feels like it's over. There are relapses, and I do think of you regularly, but I think I've come to terms with that. I couldn't love someone as much as I loved you without their memory making an imprint on me.
The week we spent together at your university was one of the best in my entire life. It's hard to think of a time when I was so thoroughly content and happy.
So I'm glad I met you. I'm glad that I got to have such an incredible bond with such a remarkable person.
I miss you, and will likely think of you for years to come, but I do feel that I've moved on. That I'm in a new era of my life.
I love you, I wish you all the best, and I hope all is well. Maybe someday, we'll meet again.
Well I'm probably killing myself on valentine's day. I appreciate how you indulged me for the last month or so, it was nice of you. Unfortunately I can see this is going nowhere and I'm going nowhere. I really don't even think you'll notice or miss me when I'm gone. No one will. I never meant anything to anyone, but at least you were nice enough to lie about that.
We spent so much time together, sometimes I miss you. I wish I wouldn't have been such an asshole, but that's me, cant't and won't help it. Please take care, and please learn to read people better next time.
We're soul mates. You and I both know it. When I'm with you, the whole world stands still, nobody else matters and I feel free of judgement. My anxiety melts away every time we touch. But I'm not good for you. I'm 24 and don't have any savings and a shit 28K a year job. I'm happy and together mentally, but I'm stuck in my youth, and not able to grow up no matter how hard I try. There's nothing more I want than to be the man you need for you and your two beautiful girls. But I don't know how. I've never raised or really been around kids. I wish you'd stop thinking of yourself as an evil cunt and let me move in and at least try, but I can't ask you to take a gamble on me. This is a heart breaking moment for me. I'll always be yours, even though we aren't with each other. But it's best that I stay gone. I'm so sorry. So deeply sorry. Someone kill me.
I was trying to PROTECT you because I love you, more than I have loved anything else I have never served you, I am not a servant.
You have brought tears to my eyes almost every day, still today and each and every day that you come to my mind I am gutted, you are so much pain to me, and I cant forget any of it, because I wasn't built that way And I weep for you too, because you are the one who is lost. I always tried so hard to protect you and I fucked it up Because while I was working to save our future I should have been saving you from yourself Its fucking insane how much you betrayed me, you betrayed every last promise you made You were my best friend and I loved you
Our love would have given you everything you needed if you were faithful, what we had was real You cant have friends this way, you have caused me more pain than everything and all of the other horrible shit that has happened to me Because I learned the world and everyone else was supposed to be cruel But you... you loved me.... and you broke everything I had left Now I am broken What could you possibly expect I did all I could do
You should not have jumped into this "new" life, Its nothing but lies you both have told, built on betrayal This shithead cannot protect you He should be ashamed DO NOT CONVERT ANY MORE OF YOUR SAVINGS TO GOLD OK???? You have no idea of the danger you are in carrying things like that You cant afford to be taking fools advice The world is not kind like I am, it is something you will learn again and again I'm sure I would have kept us safe!!!!
I cant talk to you What could you possibly expect me to feel I walk around my empty house and I dont understand what any of it was for I built it for us to be free to fly and for our spirit to be healed, before we traveled the world together now its just one more thing that breaks my heart Its beautiful C, you would have been so happy here
"The spirit of a man can endure his sickness, But as for a broken spirit who can bear it?" "When a man becomes lifeless and hopeless, all his measures and purposes are broken, as well as his heart; he knows not what to do"
why was I chosen for this much pain? it's all I feel left inside me, every day your wishes do nothing for me I wish I had never met you I am so very alone
I'm sorry. I really am. Things could have gone much better between us. I still think about you sometimes, and I know you still think about me too.
I don't know what happened. We were talking and everything was fine. When we hung out everything was great. We got along well and just kind of clicked. Your friends liked me. When I told my friends about you, they were happy and wanted to meet you. It was nice.
And then slowly we just stopped talking to each other. When you texted me, I tried to respond as quickly as possible. When I texted you, you responded pretty quickly too. Neither of us was ignoring the other or anything like that. I don't know what it was.
Maybe it was the distance. Maybe the timing was wrong since we're both trying to go back to school. Maybe we just didn't want to put in the effort for something real to form. Maybe something else. I don't know.
So, I'm sorry. I hope you find someone better than me. You deserve it. Oh, and congrats on your new job. It'd be weird for me to just text you that now with how things happened between us, but I really hope you like working there.
Jack, you remember that time on halloween when I dressed as a girl/prostitute? When you told me you'd totally do me if I was a real sissy? Well, I wish I had the courage to dress again, when you asked me to, and that you weren't only joking. Thing is, I stole copies of your homemade porn. I picked some of your used tissues in your garbage can. I'm sorry for this, but it was too hard to resist. I jacked off countless times wishing I was the one, on my knees, servicing your superior cock. I really have an obsession about it. All you have to do is to ask me, and for a moment I'd stop being your best friend, put some makeup and sexy lingerie, and become the best sex slave any real man like you could have, Your cock isnt made to be jacked off. It is made to be worshiped, to have a subservient mouth giving it all the attention and the love it deserve. Please, stop wasting your sperm and give me what I want...
I decided to put the dog to sleep in september after it had one last paroxysm of tight chested desire and its throat shook and the sky trembled and with one last dry-lipped breath its soul left its body and i sat staring into its empty eyes that wouldn't fucking shut.
I see you in my dreams sometimes and your lips are always so warm and i just wrap myself around you and we roll around in your bed just like we did in may and every time it gets more and more intense, and when i wake up i heave it off my chest and wash it down the drain in the shower. You haven't spoken a word to me since August and I don't know why. I loved you. I did everything I could to help you when everything went to shit for you, I gave you all I could when the world was against us. I wish I could've done more but I know I didn't deserve this.
please just understand that I'm trying to lock your ghost out of my bed to the best of my ability but there's only so much I can do when I'm asleep.
4 years died in september but burying it will be one hell of a job
Hey man, I know you still post on 4chan, though idk if you post or lurk /soc/ at all. I just wanted to tell you, like I do in all letter threads, that I'm sorry for the things I said to you and for not replying when you gave me a proper goodbye. I wrote you a message on there, it's in your inbox, basically just saying sorry and wishing you a happy birthday. I just want you to see this, or it, and know that I feel terrible for the whole situation.
Anyways I hope all is well for you. If ya ever need anything I'll still be here, even if I shouldnt be. You know where to find me. Everyone needs a friend.
The person you are now is not my best friend, it's not even a reincarnation of her. I've seen you at your very worst, addicted to drugs, stealing, lying, cheating on boyfriends, the whole nine yards. But I never thought that you would get clean and become that same person over something as stupid as weed. I never thought I'd see you take from your own child, your best friend, from yourself- all in the pursuit of weed. I tried hard to keep quiet because you can't handle criticism, and at the end of the day I still love your kid. But the truth is I don't love you, and I don't see how anyone could in your current state. You make your own shitty choices, and I refuse to keep getting blamed for their outcome. I wish you the best, but please never try to contact me again.
The desire to just know how you are burns at me like the cold at my fingertips.
You'll never talk to me though, and you'll never unblock me. That's okay. I can live without you.
I know leaving you was the right decision for me, but was it what was best for you? I like to think so... In my mind, you've blossomed. You're healthy and happy, in love, and you've found a job. I like to think things are going well for you, and that me exiting your life was what let you spread your wings.
I know leaving helped me spread mine. We had been broken up for nearly a year and it was just time. Sure, we could have tried again, but I met someone that I knew I could be happy with. And yes, I knew that telling you about him would be the end of the era of us. I don't regret it.
I'm happy and healthy, in love with a good man. I'm chasing my dreams. I'm getting my education, and I'm building myself up.
I wish I knew how you were doing, but I'll live not knowing. I hope the memory of you fades.
How dare you. How fucking dare you look me in the eye and say, "You're not unlovable" with one foot already out the door. Fuck you. If there was even one person on the entire planet who could love me, you were her, and now you're walking out on me. So don't give me that bullshit. Either you were lying before or you're lying now.
I always thought, even if the fucking sun exploded and everyone but us were dead, it would be alright as long as we had each other. I'm not okay. I'm not going to be okay. You say this is for my own good, but if you honestly think that, you're either stupid or cruel. You took all the good in me. The whole world is ugly without you in it.
Angela, We had many fun times together when we went out. Our relationship was always friends due to your boyfriend and my on and off girlfriend. We both knew we were wasting our partners time by being with them and that we should be together instead. That night we got drunk and fooled around, God I still think about it. I know I couldn't get it up but just seeing you naked.... I still masturbate to the images in my head to this day. We had many more opportunities after that but we were always drunk. I still wonder what a relationship between us would have been like. You are the closest anyone has ever gotten to me and I never told you my feelings. I truly do regret it.
I loved you so much i hated you. I hated you so much i hurt you. I hurt you so much we tore apart. I missed you so much i became addict to you. I gathered the courage to talk to you again to pretend nothing had happened. I didn't love you anymore. I just want you out of the city living a mediocre and anonymous life. And i still don't know if i love you or if i hate you. You are a marvelous person with wonderful qualities, but if you dare to surpass me i know i won't be able to control myself. Please, don't let me psychologically abuse you. You don't deserve this, you don't deserve anything of what has happened and is happening to you. You deserve happiness, but far away from me. I was consuming and now i'm just here, sitting with no feelings, no nothing. The numbness can only be suffocated with your silence.
ffs, this is so fedora-tier i can't even describe.
I hope you're doing great. I know I am. We both met each other at pretty vulnerable times in our lives, and I think it's safe to assume we both did some crazy, stupid things. I hurt you, you hurt me. I'm with someone who makes me happy now, and I hope you still are.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for making you feel the way I did. I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry that I gave up on us, and you; and I'm sorry you gave up on me too. I've loved you like I've never loved anyone, and you've changed me. Irreversibly. But not for the better, I'm afraid. What we shared was precious, and too good. Perhaps that's why we both spent the most of our time together trying to sabotage it? I wish I could hate you, but I can't. I wish you'd stop thinking that I stringed you along. That was never my intention. I was afraid, of what I felt. I'm afraid even now, of sharing the same space, and breathing in the same air as you, because what if... I couldn't bear hurting you again after ripping your heart apart. I couldn't bear to let you destroy my self-esteem again. Having my heart broken by you once was a privilege in a way. It taught me loads. You taught me loads. I'll always be thankful for the many firsts we had. A wee part of me will always be partial to you. What I;m trying to say is that I forgive you. And I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me too. And move on. For real, this time. No more getting back at me, or sinking low bullshit. I'm tired of fighting with you, and nothing will make me happier than to know that you've moved on. (Well, it will hurt a bit, but I'm a big girl). So, bury us. Please. And release me, so I can move on as well.
I really like you, fucking and smoking in the back of your car make me so happy. You're the hottest thing I've ever seen. I want to tie you up and jerk you off. Hopfully you'll fuck me before I leave for Paris.
I find myself thinking of you less and less. How fucked up is that? Then, all of sudden, things will happen that just bring you back to mind. I'll pick up your xbox controller, I'll see Mustang on the drive home, I'll read something I think you'd laugh at... I still spend some nights crying, shivering in silent sobs so I won't wake my roommate. Sometimes I have days that make me wonder if this is what you felt like back then. If this lost hope and isolation was what you were drowning in. If this is what it feels like to be unable to ask for help. I still wonder what you'd be doing if you were still around. Where would you be? Would you be proud of me?
A new friend asked me how many siblings I had yesterday, and I had to correct myself after I said 2.
It's been two years since you left this world, and I still can't stop thinking about you every day. I miss you so much every single day. Every day, I wake up in our cold bed, and every night I climb back in it. The pillows used to smell like you. I miss you so much. I miss you so much that sometimes I want to kill myself, so I can be with you again. I can't live this world alone, but I know you want me to. I can't even get off without crying after, because it makes me feel so guilty to have joy. There's a guy from work, and he's so nice to me. I told him about you, but he's still so nice. I don't want to be his next fuck. I don't want to fuck anyone else. I know I need to move on, but I just really need your embrace, just for one last time. I saw you in my dream last night, and I woke up from the joy of seeing you again. I tried to sleep again, but you weren't there. I cried for hours, then went back to work. I must've looked like shit today. You'd found it funny in your sarcastic way, but you also would've hugged me tightly and told me I could always depend on you, that you'd be there for me always. I really miss you. I'll always love you.
I don't believe you love me like I love you. I think you're just too pragmatic to see it my way.
When I asked you what it was you loved about me, you listed the things I did for you. That's appreciation, not love.
Do you ever look at me in astonishment over the countless variables that had to align in order for this mind to exist behind this face? In this body?
If you really knew me, at best, you'd try to fix me. I can't imagine you'd have anything but contempt for the amount of time I spend dwelling in dark recesses, and imaginably, you'd be horrified to learn of the comfort it brings me.
It fucks me up knowing the person to whom I've committed would be disgusted if I dared lower my mask.
I'm tired. I love you, but you make me feel alone.
I'm observant and intuitive enough to make you fall in love with me the way I want you to. I know you like the back of my hand. But I can't do that to you and I can't do that to myself. (What is love if not for real?)
It would be in your best interests to come to a similar conclusion and to let me down as easily as possible. I'm too selfish to do it for you.
I thought I was capable of this. I don't think I am.
You will never know how much it hurt what you did. I put my trust in you despite my past, and history repeated itself. It's probably a big reason I have a hard time making friends or pursuing romantic interests now.
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