Help me get revenge

Here's one idea I've had for a very long time.
>buy container of butter
>acquire some type of animal shit
>melt the butter
>pour out half of it and let the other half resolidify
>insert animal shit
>melt and pour the rest of the butter in
>wait for roommate to cook or spread butter on toast

>>34924711
roomate doesn't use butter, in fact he exclusively steals everything we own so I'd be sabotaging myself

>>34924729
Is there any way you can kick the guy out of the house?

>>34924765
Don't believe I can, I could try and contact the landlord but he doesn't pay rent anyway so if the useless fuck was gonna do anything he would have done it by now.

>>34924729
Ok so here's another one for you.
>buy strawberries, bananas, possibly protein mix if you want, and a tarantula from your local pet store
>blend it all into a fruity tarantula smoothie and leave it in the refridgerator
>if he asks, tell him you're saving it for a post workout meal since you'll be too tired/lazy to make it after lifting
>he takes it and drinks down the blended bits of an abominabke creature

Alternatively
>buy a scorpion
>keep it secretly hidden somewhere
>use a plastic pipette and milk its venom periodically
>put it in the smoothie

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>>34924326
>having roomates

i never understood how people could put up with this, i can barely interact with my own family members normally.

>>34924835
Do you know how expensive it is to live alone?

>>34924825
>Buy a scorpion

I need realistic shit not dumb reddit life pro tip garbage

>>34924846
Do you not have a pet store near you? Every store sells scorpions, dude.

>>34924884
I live in the UK

There are no scorpions in the UK

>>34924825
neither work, fruit go bad quickly after being blended.

>>34924835
same anon

>He gets drunk
>passes out
>you break something precious to him
>tell him he accidentally broke it in his drunken stupor

>>34924988
Probably a good shout, thanks anon

get a siringe

inject milk into his buttock NOT his asshole but into his gluteus maximus muscle

he will feel the damage for days

>>34925156
what the fuck? explain how this would even work

>>34925199
the bacteria in the milk will cause his immune system major inflammation as it tries to get rid of it

he will feel the damage for days

>>34925199
muscle poisoning

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>>34925305
>>34925292
I like it, sounds illegal as fuck

Now to find a syringe

>friend is unconscious
>shove object up his butthole
>he wakes up with a very sore butthole
>leave a note in his jacket saying "your ass felt great, we should do this again sometime"
>friend thinks he had buttsex

Has he caused any damage to the apartment you might be liable for?

Why don't you stop cleaning up after him and barricade yourself in your room. Get a mini fridge and keep all your food in your room too. Have you tried talking to him about it?

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>>34924326
You move out, and let their house turn into a trash party house.

If he regularly steals food, make some meals with laxative in them and leave them in the fridge. You could also get an apple juice container and piss in it.

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Mix this in with anything the mooch thieves from the fridge. Of course, he'll need to borrow your undies.

Buy sugar free gummi bears and leave them in a tupperware container. Throw away the wrappers.

>>34924326
Wait for him to fall asleep, take his phone, computer and any other way of communication and lock the door
Don't open the door in two and a half days, don't bring him food or water, don't talk to him and don't acknowledge he is trapped in there

do this

when hes drunk, take away his phone and replace it with a gun

when he goes to grab his "phone" and turn it on, he gets shot by himself