Depression Thread

>self diagnosing

Not doing that is the last decent thing I can do.

>>26463395
You know what the fucked up thing is. I'm a therapist. That's my job. I mostly treat robots -- men in mid to late 20s without jobs, depressed, living at home. Thing is, I'm probably just as depressed as they are and think about offing myself on a near daily basis. Fucked up world.

>>26463395

My life actually is pretty ok. Our at least it was before depression, now I want to die and, in lieu of that, just lie around and do nothing.

I am jealous of people who have a reason for depression, even if that sounds horrible.

>>26463720

> I am jealous of people who have a reason for depression, even if that sounds horrible.

I know that feel. Even though I wouldn't say jealous. Envy perhaps. Being "depressed" without having a reason makes us ungrateful cunts.

It hit me like a brick this morning. Been awake since 3 am, and got up once to pee, and once to get some water. Haven't even turned the lights on.

>>26463773

Exactly, I feel like my life is just the meme of "person who has a good life yet still is depressed", and no one seems to be able to comprehend feeling like shit without reason. Maybe I'll just run away from the people I know and tell new people I met that my family died. At least then I won't hear that shit anymore.
>Just don't be depressed!
>You have no reason to be depressed, just be happy you have such a good life!

>>26463720
>>26463773
That's depression speaking. It's so easy to see your issues as less 'worthy' than others which will in turn make your issues worse as they're untreated.

I should know, I'm thinking the same sort of things now.

I'm pretty sure no one here is depressed.

>>26463909
>>26463913

But what kind of person can complain to someone who is worse off than you?

>>26463395
Pretty sure I have both anxiety and depression. My existence is hell.

I haven't been happy, truly content, in a long time. I've just spiralled into a pit. I don't have any bad habits or addictions, so I guess that's something.

I'm still close with my family but that's about it, I don't have any friends any more. Currently at university, supposedly the best time of your life, but it's just total shit.

Don't know about love, I've never done anything romantic or sexual and I don't see that ever changing with how useless I am.

>tfw can't even answer these questions because it's hard formulating my shitty life into text

>>26463451
I don't know what makes you think that this thread is about self diagnosis.

>>26463587
I feel sorry for you. Thank you for your service to people in need. I bet it is really hard, especially if you are an empathetic person and feel sorry for your patients. I know a psycho therapist who tried to commit suicide.
He made a therapy and is doing good now.
What did Nietzsche say?
>>He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.<<

I hope you get better, thanks again for helping people while being down yourself, that is very noble.

>>26463720
>>26463773
You have to realize that you are ill. Don't be ashamed. The old model of "Just man up." is a myth. Depression is an illness which can be observed using instruments (http://images.medicinenet.com/images/slideshow/depression_s1_mayo.jpg). It's not your fault, it can hit anyone.

>>26463870
Days like these are utter shit. I know how much it hurts anon, but you need try to get outside, even if it is just for a cup of tea/coffee on the balcony. If the input stays the same, the output also won't change.
Walks innawoods work really well for me sometimes.
I wish you the best.

I feel suicidal all the time, but I don't want to do it because I'm afraid of failing. I don't feel love for anyone, and I think I don't deserve to be loved.

>been feeling incredibly low the past few weeks
>going into university in September (turned 18 last October, so not underage)
>scared to fuck of what'll happen when I don't have my dogs, family and truancy laws forcing me to be motivated and "happy"

What should I do? Should I go see someone? I'm not really sure if I should and potentially fuck up future opportunities whilst running the risk of my family finding out.

I align myself with a routine done by Patrice O'Neal where he talks about being constantly depressed but not suicidal and how horrible that is since you don't even want to do the thing that most depressed people want to do

I don't want to die but I really don't want to continue doing the same shit I'm doing. Yet I really have no other option at the moment so I continue in this neverending cycle. I want to meet people, that would be nice, but I fear I've lost the ability to socialize normally.

>>26463958
What makes you think that?

4chan has always been a gathering pool for social outcasts. I still remember the hero addict threads on /b/ back then. "69 decides what I inject in my arm" Op delivered and shot piss up his arm. Many people also became an hero on webcam. There are people who self harm, drink, enjoy violent content and fap to cartoon child pornography here.

/r9k/ is THE place on 4C to find depressive people in my opinion.

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I don't want to die. I just don't want to exist anymore.

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>>26464651
>think back on how fucking shit these past few years have been
>realize I've got a good number of years left
>realize that things are only going to get worse from now on

I'm only 20 and the thought of having to put up with another 60 years of this shit fucks me up.

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>There is nothing the least special about you.
>I guarantee you a long life.
>You have not been chosen by the gods, you will never be at one with your acts, you do not have in you the green light to flash like young lightning with the speed of the gods and destroy yourself.
>All you have is a certain premature senility.
>Your life will be suited for coupon-clipping.
>Nothing more.

-Yukio Mishima

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiKKuM9rkeQ

i don't get suicidal thoughts on amitriplytine, which i had before, some antidepressants work a bit. (SSRIs are rubbish though)

I'm so tired of being alive, nothing brings me pleasure or pain. I used to keep on living because I hated all the happy people who never appreciated the real value of happiness but these past few weeks I've just been empty. I don't want anything anymore, I just drift through life like a ghost. I think I should kill myself, but I can't be bothered to do even that.

>>26464785
>I'm only 20 and the thought of having to put up with another 60 years of this shit fucks me up.

I know

WAKE ME UP

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Yes, I am. Though I'd never let anyone around me know. I'm too much of a pussy to off myself. I love other people, and all I want is to make others happy and entertain. I don't want anyone to feel as bad as I do. You might know me. I've done so much shit, from acting to game design to helping teens with their interest in film and even professional wrestling and stand up comedy. I've met thousands of amazing, successful people. Even now I look back at my life and realize how utterly mediocre I am.

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>>26465020
( wake me up inside )

Original niggers

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>>26465020
What's worse is that I literally can't see anything getting better at all. I wish I loved 4K selfie gifs on the new iPhone 23 because right now only tertiary shit like that is getting any better.

chloe is a fucking bitch whore i want to fucking kill her.

she's so fucking stupid i can't believe i spent this much fucking time on her.

i can't believed she fucked danny, i'm so beta.

the only reason i like her is because i'm so desperate for validation.

i fucking hate myself

who /sleeps all the time because it's the only time I'm not on the edge of falling apart/

>>26463395
I've been going to a shrink for the past few months, and I actually think that I'm improving a bit, for what it's worth. At first it got much worse and I was real close to offing myself, had a plan and everything ready, just waiting for myself to take a last hit and finally snap, but from that point on it's been going uphill.

I've become more social and I'm not afraid to say what's going on my mind and overall my (diagnosed) anxiety and depression are getting better, but I've started worrying about myself and my looks way more than I did before. Somedays I feel like I'm the son of Adonis, others like an aborted giraffe fetus. Quite sure that I also have that pissed-off vibe 24/7. I'm not probably as ugly as I think because I've not gotten bullied about my looks since 5th grade, and I don't seem to naturally repel girls, apart from the muh autism shit, but not even that much considering that. Sometimes people even approach me, but most of the times I can't hold the conversations up or change the topic and it ends up dying out. I feel like I'm uninteresting and boring as shit, and I don't have a good sense of humor. Maybe I'm over-reacting on that, considering that most normies and even some Chads aren't any better or even worse than me at it, but I still feel like shit nonetheless. It's like I'm just not alright, no matter what. Not even my kind of mania-like periods in which I feel good-looking I still know that even then, I'd only be a nice-looking yet empty shell. Looks wouldn't fix anything, and I'll always be a boring, annoying cuck.

But all put aside, I'm still crushingly lonely. Even if I had some improvements with socializing I can barely call them acquaintances, not that I know what it takes to call someone your friend anyway. The only friend that I ever had (knew him since childhood) cut off contacts right after 8th grade. But I probably was nothing more than a nuisance to him all along.

>tfw nothing's been fun at all for the last two weeks
I can't bring myself to play video games or watch the few shows I like or even jerk off anymore. Just in a rut and I need something to pull me out. I've mostly just been staring at the wall above my monitor lately.

>>26464785
>>26465020
>>26465416
I feel you. I'm 25. I don't see a future for myself past 30.

>>26466670

Inertia can't stop itself, it needs an outside force to act on it. Try seeing a therapist

>>26465479
Lamar Odom?

>>26463395
I just ditched my last group of friends last thursday by saying I don't consider any of them my "true friend" (because they called me a stupid nickname that was really mean)
Starting to remind how being lonely feels
I'm just a shell now
Been sleeping all day long
The loneliest day I had this year so far

Some people bounce back easier and quicker than others. Some people go on and know what they want, others don't. Some people are easily replaced as soon as someone needs to replace them. Some people are easily forgotten. Wishes coming true depends on you for the most part, but even then coincidence and circumstance play a part, so not everyone could have their wish realized.

It's just easier to congratulate others for their successes. At least they're making the most of it

>>26466930
Been thinking about it. Not good at talking to people, though. Not sure I'd be able to open up if I did.

>>26463395
>How are you doing with your depression?
Very poorly

>Just write down the thoughts that dominated your mind over the last two weeks.
Life sucks, I wonder if things will be worse after death or just nothing.

>Are you suicidal? What is so bad that you want to end your life?
Yes. I'm hideously ugly so people always treat me like shit and laugh at me. Due to this I'm barred for getting anywhere in life.

>Have you ever been happy? If so, what took that away from you?
When I was a young child with my parents. Society and normalfags took it away from me.

>Can you still feel love for other people?
No.

>Do you have some interests? If yes, tell us what you like about them.
No.

How are you doing with your depression?

Just write down the thoughts that dominated your mind over the last two weeks.

If you can't get it together here some questions :
Are you suicidal? What is so bad that you want to end your life?
Have you ever been happy? If so, what took that away from you?
Can you still feel love for other people?
Do you have some interests? If yes, tell us what you like about them.

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>>26466930
Therapists are a meme.

They only listen to you because they're being paid to do so. Nobody who charges $90 an hour has your best interests at heart, read the stories online about therapists falling asleep during meetings and scribbling other inane shit on their notepads. Its all for money.

The hard truth is that help isn't available for most people. It only comes in the form of a caring SO, relative, or friend who genuinely wants to help.

>>26463395
I am turning out to be a literal manchild.

My education is going down the drain. It's not as if I can't focus despite trying to during my classes but because I literally turn my brain off. I don't even daydream. Work and assignments are ignored completely without so much as a peek at their contents, tests and exams are untouched if not avoided, and consequently my knowledge is on par with that of a middle school kid if not worse.

I don't remember any names of the people in my classes besides the names of teachers, some cute girls, and people that have an exceptionally large presence during my classes. Partially because of this, I ignore all group projects so that I don't come off as an asshole when I can't recall any names. I also don't want to be the cliche deadbeat burden.

I don't recall ever working for money in my entire life and my dysfunctional family that probably wasn't as bad when I was a child has been supporting me and buying me shit my whole entire life. I can't drive and I don't go out if it's not for school or food, so I don't know my way around at all. Moreover, I'm not familiar with how the adult world works at all.

Therapists and psychiatrists are all just background noise and seeing them has not changed my life at all, for better or for worse. And I feel like anyone who tries to help me antagonizes me, but it's a two-way street. And besides, >>26467626 shares my opinion on therapists, but maybe we're just being pretentious. But what the fuck do I know?

>>26463395
>>26468235
My parents, guidance counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc have told me over and over again that I have potential and that I'm actually really smart but it's all turning out to be bullshit, if I had ever believed in myself in the first place at all. I have no talents and no particular skills. Whenever I receive a good mark I get confused and think that my teachers are pitying me. After all, I somehow managed to pass my eleventh grade English course despite missing half a year of school. But eventually my grades would plummet and everything would be "right" again. I'm a retard who can't do anything without Google. My inherent parameters, including my physical attributes, are all trash. If my life were an RPG I would be stuck at level 5 with no skills and shitty stats. Not to mention that my bad luck is strong enough to warp reality against my favor sometimes, but that's just a silly delusion.

The only things keeping me alive are my love for all things /a/, vidya, my fear of pain, and my desire to not cause my parents grief. I lose my temper occasionally and during those occasions I even wish death upon them, but when I come to my senses, the thought of them suffering is really unpleasant.

It's not like I've always been like this. When I was in elementary school and middle school, I had a lot of friends and I was on my way to becoming a healthy normalfag with a good life. Hell, I think some girls even liked me but I was too dense to realize their feelings at the time just like a generic dense anime harem MC. But then anime ruined my life, literally. I say "ruined", but I'm genuinely happy when I'm indulging in my hobbies in my room with nobody else around. It's most likely just escapism, but I'm happy nonetheless. It's not like I don't have any normalfag experiences to compare my hobbies with, so I can't bring myself to let anybody tell me that what I'm doing is worthless and that I should go acquire some shallow relationships.

>>26467626
can you blame them?
who wants to listen to grown men crying about their worthless lives?

>>26463395
>>26468235
>>26468264
I know my issues are babby tier shit in the grand scale of things and that the shitskins and whatnot have no food or water, but they started with nothing in the first place. There are also people suffering from cancer and lost loved ones, etc so I think I'm just being a little bitch about my life.

When I see robots here saying that they won't last until they're middle-aged, I get even more depressed since I don't think I'll even make it anywhere near my late twenties.

>How are you doing with your depression?

Biding.

>Just write down the thoughts that dominated your mind over the last two weeks.

Suicide. Did my best and only friend lose his mind? I'm tired. So fucking tired.

>Are you suicidal? What is so bad that you want to end your life?

Yes, life.

>Have you ever been happy? If so, what took that away from you?

Being sent to a mental ward at a young age despite being sane and the massive amount of pills that took my happiness away.

>Can you still feel love for other people?

No. It seems to have disappeared, when my best friend started becoming insane, I helped him, but feel nothing towards him other than I should like him, because he is a friend.

>Do you have some interests? If yes, tell us what you like about them.

No. I have 0 interests, they all suck. I try many different things, but none are good, I mostly play games that I don't even enjoy just to pass time.

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>>26468264
More or less story of my life, god damn.

>>26467626
That's total bullshit. I'm the therapist from earlier in the thread. See: >>26463587

My job is the one thing that I like about my life. Also, I work at a community mental health center making 42K a year. I'm not exactly raking in the megabux.

>>26468781
42k a year...not making mega bucks...haha.

I make less than 1/4th of that a year, and I can survive, with an extra 32k+, I'd own my own home (Mortgage is cheaper than rent where I live, but you can't get a loan on a 10k salary) - I'd then be up in money from current, then you take food into account, a car, that is a nice fucking life. Top tier even.

I tried to read some Bukowski while on acid today, and ended up writing this.

There's so much great poetry looking back on the poet's life, appreciating and lamenting the lost. It's a gentle depression. You don't get many young poets writing to the future, though; I guess most of the time, when you're young, you're supposed to be living it, not remembering it. Is it a crueler depression, then, which keeps you from living it when you're young? Is the difference only a matter of comfort? Being comfortable with the thought that "I am done. My life has passed."

Isn't there tragedy in that affirmation? We shouldn't venerate the aging regretful. We should celebrate those that suffer each day; not those who suffer wistfully, comfortably, peacefully, content in their after-life. Not those that find zen or nirvana or distraction.

Celebrate those that suffer violently, guts wrenching, teeth gnashing, against the impossible struggle of a life that tells you you're lifeless, of a body that tells you you're dead. Celebrate those that clench and shudder against the betrayal of their own brain.


1/2

>>26468878
2/2

I think a lot of people misunderstand depression, partially because a lot of people misunderstand their own minds. When it operates as it should, the brain and the "self" can be indistinguishable. "I" can be sad, happy, angry, and while all those states result from external forces, it's still "I" who is sad.

Depression is a treason of the mind upon itself. "I" feel like life isn't worth living, and simultaneously, "I" hate myself for that feeling. The brain is its own antagonist, but most people are so caught up in their conceptions of the unity of self, they see only one agent. To outsiders, whose self-perception remains consistent, depression appears to be a choice; "just cheer up" is a ridiculous sentiment, utterly arrogant and ignorant.

Depression is a disease, but unlike most diseases, it's almost impossible to characterize it as a foreign invader, something to be excised or eradicated. Instead, depression is a disease that reins the self, that wields your own sense and understanding against you. It feels like you can't cure it without changing who you are. It feels like you can't end it unless you end yourself.

And yet there wouldn't be any suffering if you made peace with it. Remember fondly your childhood, the days when you could still live, but lose any hope for the future. Give it what it wants, and you won't suffer. Depression is a disease only so long as you fight it. Just give up.

On top of a world teeming with iniquity and pain, the depressed are assaulted by their own minds. Our selves are our greatest foe. If you've never felt it, you can't begin to imagine the loneliness of being at odds with yourself. And still, we suffer; that is to say, we fight.

And society calls this weakness.

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It's been a few month since I've been feeling like shit. desu i've experienced bouts of depression for ten years now, and it's the worst it has ever been.

I'm tired all the time, I don't play, I don't read, I don't go out with friends, i just study (badly) and lurk. My lifestyle has became progressely shitty. I shower like once a week and I don't change clothes at all. I think people notice but i don't care.

Oh, and the depersonnalisation. I was looking at pictures of me that are a few month old, I can't fucking recognize myself in them. Everything feels like a bad dream, I feel like all the people around me are actors, that soon this mascarade of a life will end, and soon i'll be free. I know it's not true, but I want to believe it.

I've promised myself that if i don't pass this school year, i'll off myself.

>>26468904
This is very interesting anon. Thanks.

>>26469023
That actually sounds like paranoia. look up the types of paranoia, you fit into one. (It might be called "The Truman show effect" as slang or something - you should get a professional diagnosis though, if you even care, if not fuck it, amirite?

>>26463395
I've been seeing therapy for just over a month now. It's helped- primarily because it feels I'm doing something and fixing my life. Actually acting on problems I thought I had no control of feels weird, really. But that's a good feeling, and one which makes me hopeful for the future. I haven't had suicidal thoughts or acted on any of those thoughts for well over a month or two. I've felt kind of low at times, but not nearly to the same scale that I felt- say- three or four months ago. For me, my issue stemmed from low self confidence, which led to social anxiety, which led to depression. Things are looking good for the future. I have a feeling 2016 will be the start of something good, and I truly hope so. I've started getting back in to some of my old hobbies more. I've started coding again, and started writing. I've thought about maybe trying to make a game or something again, as I think a project would work well in parallel to my therapy. I've been getting out a lot more, and meeting with some people I haven't seen for a long, long time.

Depression is different for different people. You just need to find something to keep fighting for. It can be a place, a person. Anything. You just need to have that energy to seek help. I was hesitant, and it was a big step- but my life, while not perfect, is getting better. Hope is the most beautiful thing.

>>26463395
Been procrastinating due to anxiety and have a test in less than a week which if I fail, I fail the unit

>>26468781
What advice do you typically give people?

>>26463395
I'm pretty sure I have schizoid personality disorder, actually. I have felt suicidal, but not due to sadness so much as apathy .

>>26463395
I'm doing okay. Suicidal thoughts daily but I'm too much of a pussy to go through with it so it's not something I'm worried about.

Why do I have no motivation to go to class?
Just one more hour of sleep... I don't have to shower to go..
I overslept... I'm useless.
[Feeling numb inside]

Two weeks of severe depression. Monday I'm finally going to call and make a therapy appointment. Hopefully they'll prescribe me something to help

/bipolar/ here
i'm gonna take a shit ton of pills next week cause i'm tired of waiting for the new ASOIAF book, my life is a boring shit and i'm sick about all these sudden humour changes.