it's getting dark where i'm, so i want to know your obscure feels r9k, the feels you feel nobody will feel
>tfw you aren't an introspective or philosophic thinker so you can't fill the yearn for human contact with something else
The least God could do is give me some kind of an intellect. All I can do now is consume television shows and movies whose characters I will forget in a few days anyways.
why is life like this
>Daisy Ridley will never be your big sister
>she will never tease you casually and "accidentally" drop her towel after a shower
>she will never get two jobs to provide for us after we are orphaned when our parents die in a car crash during a date night on Valentine's Day
>we would be each other's sole source of comfort
>as I grow older and become a man, our attraction becomes mutual
>I get a job to lighten the load
>would live in a comfy, cheap apartment and live a life of content comfyness together, play vidya, watch movies together, play instruments and make songs together
>will never be each other's sole outlet of sexual release
>we would be nervous at first, and know it's wrong, but eventually embrace it as we're all each other has
>she would tease me about my cumming face when she jerks me off gently and lovingly, and I would tease her about her orgasm face when I finger her to completion and finger her gently
>we would never grow old together, tightly knit and in love, pure love, not tainted by romance, but a powerful sibling bond
Now that's an obscure fuckin feel.
>that feel when you're sad and you actually feel great about it, you like to feel sad because being vunerable makes you appreciate the world more, and see the innocence in the most little things around you
The ever present ubiquitous fear of our demise, but with a spark of hope in the center alongside with the desire to live forever, to break limitations, but to know that it is for naught.
>tfw you start to enjoy and take pride in how pathetic you are
The shocked look normies make when they find out I'm a 25 year old KHV is great. The disbelief when I tell people I avoid dating (>implying. I've turned down pity dates friends have set up for me) because I hate myself and don't want to bore the girl is nice as well.
Unfortunately, I talk to almost no one so this is a rare feel for me.
>tfw Notes from Underground is like reading a biography
I was Danielle Reid's Pimp.
A few years ago I introduced Danielle Reid to prostitution. Her attempts at breaking into the fetish model industry at the time were floundering. After a year or so as an escort her porn career has recently started to take off. It was a fun ride.
I completely know this feel! I'm only 18, but even so, I love shocking people with how much of a fucking loser I am. I love when I tell normie fucks online that I'm gkhv and friendless and they are in literal disbelief. They think I'm lying, and then they offer their pity and advice. I don't give a fuck for that; just something about people realizing how pathetic your life is, or that anyone's life could be so pathetic (the sheltered fucks) really gets me going.
>Tfw you suddenly realize that you are you and that reality exists and is as it happens specifically to be
Very difficult to explain this feeling, but occasionally I just forget that I'm living life and I kind of remind myself and it is unbelievably profound. It is almost a minute of pure amazement. I don't even know how to describe it; you feel disembodied.
Pimping really isn't easy, but it is necessary. Looking back I'm glad I'm not involved anymore in some ways because of the headache, but I miss the fun parts, particularly the thrill.
It's also funny to me that I inadvertently helped launch her pro porn career.
I know what you mean. I remember one evening I suddenly was consciously aware that I exist. It came with a paradoxical feeling of profoundness and insignificance. It then led to a year long existential crisis (lel).
All my memories from this time are in the third person. It was like I was watching myself from above. It was exceedingly unpleasant. Occasionally the feeling comes up again out of the blue.
>that feel when the one day you forgot to clear the browser history was the one day mom decided to check it
>SHE MENTIONS IT OVER DINNER
that feel was a goddamn feel
Yeah, besides the third-person part, I know what you mean. I first had this "awakening" when I was young, and I feel like my life changed ever since. It was as though I had just been instinctively and subconsciously walking through life, and I suddenly woke up.
Look up depersonalization disorder; it explains both of our experiences quite well.
I have severe PTSD and the dissociation is strong. Virtually every single day is exactly as you describe. I've considered myself before to not even be a human being, but merely a perspective. Third person is an unsettling experience.
Good lord. I have at least 5-6 of those symptoms every single day. What the fuck? How do I get a therapist?
It can be scary first realizing you might have a mental disorder. If you know a good bit about them, you'll find most symptoms apply to a good many people who are still not eligible for a complete diagnosis. This is mostly because the current authority on psychopathology, the DSM-V, is ambiguous and in need of major revision.
I don't know how to contact them, but you would be wanting to seek a psychiatrist. Try looking it up or visiting your doctor for a referral. This is one of the lesser known disorders, but you should be able to get help.
>tfw no qt gf to watch me eat breakfast
>ywn have a qt gf who wears your sweatshirts around the house and leaves her scent on them
>tfw no insecure gf who constantly looks for my approval
>tfw no qt gf who likes Talking Heads
tfw no gf
>tfw when you will never be a sithlord
>staring into the depths of space from your vessel
>not realizing that the force is a balance
>both jedi and sith are required for harmony
>having the epiphany that you can bring balance to the force through both passion and discipline
Just fuck me up pham
>No outwardly gruff alt angel to live the life bohemian with
>ywn walk through the street with her while the rest of the world judges you
>ywn support her shitty band, while she supports your shitty paintings
>ywn scrap by every month together
>tfw you tell /r9k/ about your problems and they wish they had you without understanding the difficulties that come with it
If Robots were capable of empathy, they wouldn't be here
>MFW I live by the sith motto
I got you, senpai
>I'll never have the guts to build an elaborate deathtrap dungeon and kidnap people to put them in it
>I'll never be lucky enough to be put in one either so I can die for someone else's pleasure
>tfw you realize that you are Jean-Baptiste Clamence from La Chute and everything you do is to simply invoke a reaction from a non-existent audience
>tfw that while small, it would be a gain for the world if I disappeared
>tfw no belly gf to feed me
>tfw can think of all sorts of obscure feels until you open this thread
>be 12 or 13
>just discovered masturbating
>discover people make porn of all my favorite anime
>really into the super perverted stuff
>the more sweat, spit, and cum the better (I think it had something to do with seeing these characters depicted in a way I knew was "wrong.")
>jack off on family computer to filthy r34
>Sakura getting fucked senseless in all holes by dozens of Naruto clones.
>Next day mom brings up to everyone in the kitchen she found "naked naruto pictures."
>I come from a family of chads, I'm the ONLY person in the family that even knows what anime is!
>my entirely family is looking at me from there peripheral vision.
>ANY time I'm watching Naruto on TV I can feel them all remembering the sight of Hinata have wet lesbian sex with Ino
>tfw you just want to stay in equilibrium and wait for death
Perhaps. I never feel at peace unless I am doing this, or walking in the snow whilst everything is dead silent, with only my shoes making a noise and the moon to light my way
it has been 1 year 2 months since i have been at peace. it never snows here, and there are too many normies ruining the rain
>you will never be a submissive asian girl
>you will never get fucked by a gang and black guys
>tfw you're an autistic schizoid and even though you want nothing to do with people because you are incapable of forming any sort of meaningful relationship with them you're still human enough to have a need, but not a want, for human relations
>tfw you can't keep yourself centered
>tfw you know that you will die by suicide but not just yet
i don't think you get the point of the thread m8
>tfw you're a 4th gen American
>tfw parents moved from where they grew up, which was where their parents and their grandparents grew up/arrived
>tfw no longer have a connection to your country of origin or the area-specific culture that sprung up from a large immigrant population
>tfw this disconnect is just one of many with your parents/family
>Distantly related to two successful branches of your family
>You will never bring your branch into the fold of notoriety
this. Been QT for a long time, but never felt like i genuinely deserved the attention if it was someone i was attracted too, or thought some were whores for throwing themselves at me blatantly.
>Fall for a girl
>Realize that I'm so far below her in every sense
>She works 2 jobs, rents a house, and is a real adult
>Still live like a child
I just want to be a real adult and be able to give someone else a proper partner
>tfw you're actually sort of attractive but can't do anything with it
>too afraid to ask anyone out because I literally can't wrap my mind about how you're supposed to behave in a non-casual setting that at the same time isn't really committed romance
like, I get how to be friends, and I think I kinda get how to be a committed couple, but the in-between part is just nebulous. Like, it's apparently awkward for normal people, but it scares the shit out of me.
>so lonely I'm afraid that if I get drunk and a guy propositioned me I'd say yes
I don't want to loose my KV to a guy, /r9k/.
>get really embarrassed and paranoid whenever I get a compliment from someone I know well
>alcoholism runs in my family, and I'm just now starting to realize it's going to be some kind of problem for me for the rest of my life
Luckily at this point I can't afford to drink heavily all the time, but that won't always be true. I want to stop, I just can't. Plus the drinking helps with the anxiety, like a lot.
I get this. Sometimes I just sit back and go "holy shit, my name is Anon, I'm more than just thoughts absorbing information, I'm an entity that interacts with shit but is still distinct from it all."
Like, I KNOW that, but some times I feel like none of this shit is real, I'm simultaneously just drifting through it and so deep in personal introspection that I've lost awareness of myself, like going so deep into the ocean you loose sight of the sun. It's a weird feel.
I wish I didn't get this feel. I'm scared.
>dad's side of the family is upper class, but all my cousins are either already 30 with no kids or yuppies who will probably raise their kids to be yuppies
>mom's side are mid class, but cousins are mostly degenerate shits, plus they don't share my family name
>it's up to my brother and I to carry on our name's legacy
>my bro has some underlying issues from not dealing well with our parents' divorce, and I'm an aspie
The future is dark
I wouldn't even know where to start
>tfw she is a year younger than me
>you will never be a space trucker
>your obscure feel isn't an original comment
>Close knit group of friends are the only people I've ever been able to connect to in any way
>Everyone is really settling on their future paths now, getting internships, relationships, etc.
>One might even be moving across country soon-ish
>tfw I literally have no plans or prospects for the future
>tfw I won't be able to handle the few people I care about actually leaving.
I gave up hope of a romantic relationship years ago but thought that at the very least I had my friends. If they go, then what?
I thought I managed to get away from this when none of my friends went away to college/everyone commuted after high school, but all that happened was that it was put off.
I gained a lot of weight (40 pounds) in my first few years of college.
I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror
>tfw you catch a glimpse of your disgusting body in a polished glass building and physically cringe
Luckily, I lost it back.
>tfw you like your reflection again
Now if I could only lose the ugly.
Have some 30 year old cyborg feels
>Have imaginary friends. Imagine going on overseas trips with them, them putting me on track, deciding to start a company together and becoming rich
>Feel guilty because my IRL friends are pretty cool and they don't deserve to be compared unflatteringly with rich dreamworld friends
>Have dream about qt daughter hugging me and telling me she wants to be a witch when she grows up
>Wake up and I have not qt daughter
>Sock away money towards new car
>Mom calls begging for money
>Learn from sister that dad is cashing out his 401K prematurely
>everyday you hope that somebody will reach out and pull you from this fucking pit
Can they not tell that I'm screaming for help, or do they just not care?
>have constructed an entire other family for myself in my head and we all live in a wonderful land together
>blame my not wanting a wife on my mother's poor example of womanhood
>am actually just lazy and desensitized by porn
>find most people to be artless and without something that makes them real
>tfw you start to lose interest in everything you liked and everyone around you
Feel so emotionless now, this is the only feel I can feel.
>Have a wonderful dream where I'm in love, and loved in return
>Nothing sexual, but I'm cuddling and making out with a qt (not based on anyone I know, somehow)
>Wake up, can still physically feel them, and feel where they were touching you
>Those few brief moments O thought it was all still real
>The crash afterwards
This has happened to me twice now and I'm not ready for it to happen again. I'm so desperate for romantic affection that I dream about it.
>she doesn't need anyone but me
>no friends, my love alone will suffice
I just want a relationship where we have no one but each other. Just the two of us, no friends, whenever she needs something she'd come to me. A relationship where we cut everyone out of our lives and focus purely on one another. I really want that.
>tfw you choose a common word for your trip password and it ends up spelling a state
>tfw you were born in said state
Living without past, present or future suck. I'm like a hollow carcass. Living is dull but not acting on fixing it, while seeing my peers with same starting point as me who have already move on and left me behind. History has repeat itself many times, school, uni, work... I kept being hollow. Why i feel so empty?
>that feel when people act friendly toward you in class and then blow you off when you try to make plans. you then realize that if they wanted to spend time with you, they would.
Have my oc photo. most of us can relate.
>tfw I will never have the power to destroy the earth.
I want it gone
>tfw your mother is autistic and completely fucking destroyed your life and blames you for it and is now going to kick you out but you have no education no social skills whatsoever so you are going to end up like all the other homeless bums on the street or dead
Life is unfair. But for you, it's too late now. If you have the time to post here, that's mean you, yourself have given up.
I suggest you kill yourself in the most comfy way you can imagine.
Or otherwise, you can start saving yourself.
In addition to this, I want my woman to completely depend on me, and only me. I have this sort of Messiah complex, where I want to be the saviour of my woman. This is why I wouldn't mind having a, say, armless wife, because then she'd depend on me, and I'd love her no matter what. I'd give her so much love that she wouldn't need anyone but me in her life, and she wouldn't mind, in fact, she'd love the attention that I give her, and, more specifically, she would love the fact that she is the sole recipient of my love and affection. All I ask for in return is that she does the same for me. Is this /obscure/ or do other people feel this way? I'm a narcissist but refuse to get treatment because it doesn't affect my daily life that much.
I know this feel too fucking well.
I don't know why, but I always get my hopes up. In person we'll be laughing away, best of friends, talking about all the cool stuff we should do "Oh yeah man that sounds fucking amazing! We are DEFINITELY doing that haha"
>"Are you still up for doing that exact thing we just talked about doing?"
>5 days later
>"Sorry man, I was pretty busy this weekend haha. Did you go?"
Same fucking shit every time. I wish they'd just be honest and tell me they have absolutely no intention of ever hanging out with me.
>Friends slowly starting to hate me. They just keep me around on their phone and stuff and have been ignoring me ever since I became ridden with debt and jobs.
>Can't stop drinking now, doing it three times per week.
>Want to cry myself to sleep every now and then but can't since I just stare at my decaying roof and wonder when it'll come crashing down and send me to my next life.
>Been trying to absolve my depression and self-doubt, but always go back to square one after shit hits the fan hard.
Some day, I hope death comes to me that isn't too painful or too attention alluring. Maybe somewhere on the country side where I used to go for one last time before I close my eyes and die from an early natural cause. Have a smile on my face while I sit in my car, remembering the old days with a picture of my dead mum in hand.
I have this too. Often. I mean literally once a week minimum.
Sometimes I even wake up happy, go to the bathroom, get back into bed and only then I realise it was a dream. About a 3-4 minute delay.
Like being kicked in the head when it hits you...
I want to be in a relationship where sex isn't a concern.
I just want to cuddle and kiss and hold a cute girl.
I think sex is kind of gross.
That said, I still don't want her to be fucking Chad on the side. Is that selfish?
>ywn be an aimless undead wanderer
>ywn struggle from bonfire to bonfire in search of something that you know doesn't exist
>ywn meet other wanderers along the way and share a comforting conversation before parting ways and continuing on your pointless quests
>ywn be killed over and over in multiple worlds at the same time until you overcome whatever obstacle is in your way
>ywn explore abandoned lands and venture into the unknown with nothing other than your soul, your mind, and your gear
>ywn summon a friendly spirit to help you or have your world invaded by a hostile spirit
>ywn slowly be engulfed by the overwhelming nihilism of the world you exist in and turn hollow
>ywn watch as the last light in the universe fades and all of creation ceases to exist, returning to the pure blackness it was born from
>ywn finally die with the rest of the world and fade into peaceful nothingness
I just want to die.
I want to die and write a note so clear and profound that my family will know that it wasn't their fault I took my own life, but that something was broken inside from the very start and could never be fixed
I want them to find peace in it and move on without me, maybe even forget I existed until they think real hard and tell their offspring that maybe they had a brother once, but he's not around anymore
I want to watch them from the great beyond, gazing as they turn into beautiful people whom anyone could be proud of
I want to be at the gates to greet them as they join me maybe 60 or so years down the line, waiting eagerly for them to tell me about all I've missed since I've been gone.
Know this feel. When I get caught up in daily work and events I often seem to be not aware that we 'exist', but I don't mind it though since it feels like a pretty dark feel
>you will never be Russian drinking vodka dancing around a burning barrel in adidas sweatpants while smoking cigs with your comrades
I want to feel young, tender love.
Not pedoshit. I want to know how it felt to be young and in love. How the world seemed wide open, how I wasn't jaded, paranoid and afraid of everything. I want to say I love a girl and mean it, not to be afraid that deep down I know she'll eventually cheat or that she's sucked a random dude's dick before.
I never got to feel that. I never will.
Dark and edgy just like my soul anon
DS is truly my favorite videogame of all time. I wonder what DS3 will bring
>ywn guard the princess in Anor Londo smashing any retards who think they can beat you
>tfw you really, really hate liars and people who manipulate others but you haven't come up with a good defense against them yet that doesn't involve behaving exactly like they do, don't even know why they do it to begin with
>tfw don't know how to be a complex individual
>tfw people know more things about things than you do
>tfw everyone is involved in a totally different microcosm than you and you will never know what it feels like to be them
>ywn watch as the last light in the universe fades and all of creation ceases to exist, returning to the pure blackness it was born from
Worst feel ever
I want to just skip to this shit
I had a dream about a society of aliens who lived on this tiny floating rock in the middle of a vortex
The universe was ending and everyone was so calm and peaceful, it was so beautiful. I want that world now.
the Crestfallen Warrior is my favorite part of the game, I think he encapsulates the Dark Souls vibe as a character.
>already been wandering for an immeasurable amount of time
>too tired to leave the bonfire area or go anywhere
>no quest or purpose to give him meaning
>losing his sanity
>tries to mask his suffering with banter and casual conversation
>has already lost everything and no longer has any fear
>accepted the meaninglessness of life long ago and just waiting for it to end
>gets sick of the smell and leaves for a much more dangerous place, knowing this is his end
>turns hollow and dies in the depths of the world, alone and quickly forgotten
I fucking love girls with shit in their faces
>terrible depression, loneliness, self-esteem issues, and anxiety
>can't fap because anything feminine in porn makes me horribly depressed
>too depressed to workout and become super-fem trap mode
>too invested in being a femboy to give up and just go neckbeard
>life consists of just wanting to be someone I'm not
>no end in sight
j u s t
>tfw fed up with femboy/tranny social dynamics and just dropped the whole thing, disregarding external presentation almost entirely
>tfw get sir'd and ma'am'd with like 50/50 frequency and don't bother to correct people because I don't care
>tfw feels kinda liberating but also like I abandoned my niche
I have, pretty gud
>tfw hate anything slighty SJW-oriented
i just want to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin with a dorky robot bf
is that too much to ask for
>tfw got told to go to college and pursue dreams after
>graduated, get told to work and pursue dreams in spare time
>suddenly old and didn't spend any time on dreams
What the fuck just happened, lads?
>changed majors early to a relatively mediocre degree
>wished I'd changed to this other thing
>accepted my one single change
>realize later on that I miscalculated how long it would take to finish
>realize I actually had 6 months left
>really eager to just leave
>change majors to a shittier degree to finish finally
>heh literally what the fuck was I thinking I say to myself as im unemployed and the same place I was 4 years ago
>wish I just changed majors to something useful and fucking dealt with the extra year or two
You still have time to make those dreams sorta come true if you're breathing how about you write out a plan and find a way to pursue it if you're really passionate about it. You're probably not as passionate as you think you are if you're not willing to make a couple of major sacrifices to have it happen.
>tfw I have, in my head, a fully planned out Star Wars novel that chronicles a young Jedi through his apprenticeship, into knighthood where then he experiences a mass jedi execution, moves into hiding and is recruited by a reformed Empire, unaffiliated with the Sith who mount attacks against the Sith empire, in exchange for the new Empire's help restoring the Jedi order; following its restoration the small and reforming order is then destroyed again but this time by the Empire that reformed it, as the once good Emperor becomes paranoid now that his goal has been realized and in revenge this young Jedi kills the Emperor, winning friends and taking the place of the old Emperor, effectively becoming a "Sith" lord of the galaxy himself, except his fall to the dark side is never 100% complete, despite the hate he can only feel, when later, in a moment of weakness and defeat by a terrible and insurmountable Hutt empire he is contacted by the force ghosts of all his old jedi friends, before the first purge and the second purge, who urge him to give up his hate and he falls on his face, weeping, roaring in agony and there he becomes a hermit having fully learned every facet of the Force.
at least you didn't fap to wincest hentai, feel great about yourself, turn off the computer and wake up the next morning to be confronted by your parents because the "are you sure you want to shut down?" screen had remained on all night, which Dad clicked "No" on, only to see an open spread of a young girl crying out about her big brother penetrating her
>went to uni to get a pointless degree
>all my friends got high calibre trades
>graduated this year
>they all achieved full competency in their trade this year
>watch as they all buy cool shit, talk about their interesting projects at work
>at least I've read lots of lit I guess
>tfw life is one lengthy music video
It's an obscure, but comfy feel
>dream with an awesome girl, which is not uncommon
>we get along yadda yadda you know
>somehow at the end of the dream I became conscious
>I realize the dream is ending so I tell the girl this:
>"If you are real, find me on facebook, my name is ...."
>the dream ended and I just waited
>still waiting, years after that
>tfw you have depersonalization/derealization disorder
>tfw there's no cure or treatment
>tfw you barely can imagine things anymore
>tfw life isn't real
I don't even want to kill myself for some reason
>tfw there's a qt in my calc 3 class who the teacher keeps mentioning by name and is basically the only student he does so towards
>tfw I think professor is fucking said qt, cucking me out of a gf
>tfw professor probably thinks I'm stupid and doesn't give me any attention
>tfw qt always seems despondent when he talks to her
>tfw professor seems depressed after class, sitting on the desk hanging his head down
>tfw I skipped last day and have no idea what could have happened
>tfw he never replied to my email
>tfw distance between me and qt could be growing
>tfw respect from professor is definitely dwindling
>tfw I haven't slept yet and class is in 6 hours
>tfw I still need to cover what I missed
>tfw always find something to be depressed about during class
>tfw can't even math in peace
The nights get darker,
your mind get weaker.
The time has now arrived where you can't understand why you don't belong.
It's you who tries, though you are the one to never succeed.
They are all ahead of you, you don't mix with the crowd.
The output of that simple question is never reversed.
The fake sense of effort is never returned.
And you wonder why you even try.
If they all can have it and you can't then clearly there is an issue.
And all you ever wanted was to give someone the chance to miss you.
It's not the same.
It's never the same.
Your life will never be rewarded a reprieve.
>mfw the one girl I thought I had a chance with in college has thrown me straight into the friend zone
For the first time in a long time I was finally happy. I spent entire days talking to this girl non-stop when I wasn't in class. She was smart, adorable, and shared every interest with me.
Oh well, I guess I really shouldn't have expected much. At least I have Valentine's Day to get drunk alone. Maybe I'll die from alcohol poisoning so I can leave this shitty planet once and for all.
>girls I know think I'm a good person
>they think I'm funny and smart
>have a pretty good chance with any of them (except one who has a chill bf)
>they are cute, intelligent, hard working and aren't sluts.
>not interested in any of them
i'm lonely but i don't necessarily want a gf.
i think i distrust all women due to my past experiences with them, and i can't bring myself to even bother.
i don't think i'll ever feel love again, and i don't know how that makes me feel about myself,
This happened to me also, wasn't at dinner but family sat down to talk to me about something important. It was about my "cartoon porn" of girls that weren't real. THey were curious as to why I was looking at porn of childrens shows.
They actually asked me face to face why.
>you will never have a group of friends with a set of locations you usually hang out at
>you will never tell a bunch of kids to beat it from the baseball field you hang out at
>you will never have the owner of a smoothie bar send a couple away from your booth as you walk through the door
> tfw you will never be a curator at the Louvre
> tfw you will never sculpt your likeness in marble as a Greek god
> tfw you're a good wagecuck but your grades were shit in school and, despite being highly-viewed within the company, you still feel inadequate and invalidated
> tfw you will never be a master gardener during the 1892 Chicago Worlds Fair
> tfw you will never join Archimedes in the Siege of Syracuse to destroy the filthy Roman scum.
I've been drawing for so many days that my art has been becoming better. I've been drawing to put stuff in my ex fiance's boots when I give her shit back. She broke up with me a couple of weeks ago and every night I dream about her and when I wake up my chest feels like its been stomped on. I haven't really gotten much sleep she's an artist and has always wanted me to draw something for her I haven't drawn anyone anything in 7 years she's the first person I've done this for the last picture I drew was an american traditional of her. It looks just okay compared to a lot of actual artist but to me it's my first real piece of art and it's the only piece of art I think I'd ever put time into. I don't sleep because I'm scared to fall back asleep I ran out of drugs to mask the feelings for the night and have nothing for the morning. I've developed weird habits during all this one of which requires me to take 8 showers throughout the day not to actually shower but to feel the scolding hot water so that I feel something. I'm so fucking depressed I thought I'd finally done something right or was going the right place in life and I'm back here. You never really leave this place once you come here. I don't think anyone knows how I'm feeling specifically but sorta have an understanding. It felt good to write this all out.
I've become proficient at slav squatting. It's really quite comfortable, good for your bowels, and much healthier for your bum than sitting on cold concrete.
Being an introspective thinker isn't that great, I'm still an idiot but I'm always thinking about sad shit and feel like an autist from being able to link literally anything to some nihilistic downer feels.
>Be incredibly lucky and people are nice to you, your family is nice to you. You are constantly given good things and good things are happening to you.
>But you feel like you deserve none of it. You feel you have nothing to give back and you are not worth all the good things you receive.
How does it even work? Is it literally like you are her bodyguard? Or is it like an abusive relationship? Do you just stumble into it? When I see streetwalkers or girls on backpage that I can tell are being pimped, I often wonder what keeps them going.
>tfw you will never get the feeling back of your first experience with porn or the fetishes that once truly excited. To not even get excited about strip clubs, hookers, or love.
> Habituation is a bitch.
>tfw I'm pretty sure Satan will start a nuclear war
>tfw the CIA are trying to induct me into the MONARCH program
>tfw voices are trying to tell me what to do but they're out of words to say, so they trail on about things i don't know or care about
Am I going crazy anons?
>tfw can feel the influence of meme magic in my life growing stronger and stronger
>tfw its making everything better by the day
>tfw I am a meme wizard
>find out about cuckold porn as young teen
>find out about iraq war and saddam
>research saddam a lot
>jerk it to cuck porn
>associate pleasure with cuckoldry and saddam
>tfw i will never be cuckolded by saddam hussein
>That feel when you realize you have a body with a name, life, family, friends, needs and responsibilities etc.
>Feels weird man
I'm putting on a show at a theater and for the most part the people are friendly but I don't feel 100% welcome or accepted. I don't know why, it's a subtle unshakeable feeling. Maybe because most of them have known each other for years and I've only been there since November. I hear them talking about 'old times' and get a strange feeling.
I've got some fragmented feels
>days seem to blend together
>hours become minutes
>supposedly gifted IQ
>feel myself getting dumber and dumber every day
>feel incredibly inferior to my peers
>want a relationship but also don't want one because I just can't picture myself in one and I'm moving away in a few months anyway
>going to go to college in Japan
>no idea how I'm going to handle the feeling of isolation
>either I'll do well and make friends or just commit suicide
I wish I had a gondola to express this feeling
>tfw you like a 3DPD guy and you get along very well, but he neglects you for other people
tfw you're both boys
Get into Buddhism. Remember, it's a philosophy, not a religion. And also, if science proves Buddhism wrong, Buddhism changes. You can prove things in Buddhism, it isn't just words. In my mind, that is the sort of thing you can put faith in unlike the other religions.
>want to play games on my PC again
>setup isn't optimal
>no idea how to make it better
>get really high on edible marijuana (a lot of people freak out but I love it)
>try playing Anno 2070
>opens to be stuck on a black screen and won't load
>I'm too high to troubleshoot and have to play something else
I just submitted two pieces to my art schools big art competition. One of them was a more classical portrait and the other was a complicated trippy abstract pattern. I need to get in to show up my elitist ex girlfriend (who is also an artist) and to continue to prove wrong all the asshole students and professors who think I'm an uncultured pot smoking redneck thug
Pic related its Voltaire
>ywn be a powerful inhuman monster wearing human skin for a mask
>ywn slowly lose your sanity to the power and bloodlust that comes with it
>A young innocent girl will never walk in on you after a fresh kill and not be disturbed, but would want to bring back your humanity
>live in upstate NY
>dad's side of family is from LAWNG EYELAND
>mom's side is from midwest
>dad's side thinks you're a hick, relative to them
>mom's side thinks I'm too much of a "city boy"
>feel lonely and ostracized by all of my relatives at either side's family gatherings because of it
Found this note washed up on the beach earlier. Spent the rest of my shift wondering who Kayla and Ashlend are, where they are, what they look like, if they would have liked me.
>tfw so alone that a three year old note from a couple of little girls sends you into a downward spiral
Tfw you have these things. She's never watched me eat breakfast though...
Looking for approval gets old fast by the way. You can't go 5 mins without saying you like her or that you enjoy being with her or think she's pretty.
>tfw still occasionally wet the bed
>tfw horrible sleep apnea
>tfw had a platonic friend-girl in high school who i had a lot in common with back then and even though i have a dank gf i have developed weird semi-romantic feelings for the other girl despite not having REALLY spoken to her consistently in years
> tfw sleep schedule is so fucked up it prevents me from talking to anybody
>i start to talk to myself, pretending to have conversations with people I've known
>once I realize it's fake I stop and stare into the abyss
>i barely go out into the city so I sit in the dark, alone every day
Sometimes I get food/groceries but that's rare
I've lived this for a few months and it's painful, but every time I try to fix the schedule I fail and I fall back into it again.
>watch as they all buy cool shit, talk about their interesting projects at work
>at least I've read lots of lit I guess
Literally the same feel anon. Everyone I know is moving on to bigger and better things and all I have is my lit.
>>tfw I'll never be white
It's not all it's cracked up to be, anon. Just another excuse for people to invalidate anything you say.
>you wouldn't get it, you're racially privileged
Like, bitch I can hardly talk and the phrase "wears their heart on their sleeve" almost makes me vomit, I have no privilege.
>tfw hiding in your room in the dark with the curtains drawn so your dad doesn't know you're skipping your shift at the place you volunteer
It's a different ball game on the other side of the street. Your various experiences looking at backpage etc are basically flipped on their head from our perspective.
As a Pimp you're part bodyguard, part manager, part screener, and part boyfriend.
>you will never become the god of your own universe after death
>tfw letting all my bad thoughts in from now on
>mfw some of them are fucked up, like enjoying the killing of bad people or hurting people I don't like
>mfw a lot of them are pedo too
I figure if I let it all out in my mind and don't try to hide it, they won't have as much effect as I'll get used to them. Same goes for fear and embarrassment, I just let it wash over me and welcome it all in. You can't hide from what you really are after all.
>tfw spending over 500$ to see a girl you've only known a month on the internet but are convinced is "the one"
>tfw I constantly catch myself unconsciously thinking "next time" or "when I start again" about life, as though I was playing a video game I could restart
>tfw I have to remind myself that, as far as I know, this is the only life I will have that I can't restart, go back, or redo anything
>tfw even if reincarnation was real I probably wouldn't be in the same situation and able to use the lessons I learned anyway
>tfw this kind of thought process shows just how low I value my life now/how disconnected I am
Regret and disatisfaction have piled up so high the only way I can live anymore is to think that this is all just a trial run.